Is 45 too old to have a baby

[Catontoof]

is this fair on a child?
I am seriously considering this as I feel like
therr has been a huge hole in my life.

Oh, then she will reach parenting burnout like the rest of us soon.

Mine are 16 and 10.

I couldn't think of anything worse than having a new baby at this stage.

Yes I agree.

Of course many fathers are just as involved and hands on (as is my own husband who actually does far more night wake ups than me despite working more, as he's the preferred parent at night) but I think it's fair to say that is not the norm yet. I don't have a single friend with a partner anywhere near as hands on - and most have careers, work FT and - gasp - earn as much as them. Despite this, they seem to do a lot more of the domestic/parenting load. We still have a long way to go to make men and women equal in parenting sadly.

To deny this is the case is only sweeping it under the carpet far more than it already bloody is. It needs addressing and it never will be if people say it's sexist to point out the bleeding obvious that women tend to shoulder most of this load.

grandparent age?? maybe 200 years ago!

I don't know why people are taking comments about being 'too old' so personally. Being too old to have a baby doesn't mean you're a grave dodger. It just mean you're on the old side to do that particular activity which is overwhelmingly done by people younger than you for good reasons.

DS2 (10) is too old to start training as a jockey. DS1 (16) is too old to become a Premier League footballer. A woman in her mid 40s is too old to start thinking about having a baby. Caveats apply in all cases of course but in 99% of cases this is the truth.

The denial of the ageing process is strong in this thread.

Edit to add: no father is just as involved in the parenting process as the mother. 😂I mean come on. Who has the baby?

45 may be ok to have a baby. I’m 75 and I can tell you that it’s not ok to be 60 with a 15 year old!!!

Maybe I should inform the family in my road.

The dad was 45 when the younger of two was born. He was 40 when the first was born. I think they married when he was 35.

The child is 5 and he's 50. They appear fit, energetic and are always busy with their young family.

Try 20. A number of my friends became grandparents in their early 40s. Quite a few of them are great grandparents in their late 60s.

I think saying that someone is on the older side is one thing, but calling women “selfish” for doing so is another and is what upsets people. I’m assuming most older mothers did not choose to be in that situation and did not just wait until they were 45 and decide they really fancied having a baby but their life just turned out differently to what they had planned. Though I guess you could say the same about very young mothers too.

appreciate the OP is talking about a potential second child though and is therefore in a different situation. But I imagine many women could also feel regret at not giving their child a sibling which is why you can often see quite large age gaps.

There will always be people who it worked out OK for. The families who had kids in their 40s and made it into their 80s still with good health.
And TBH that's what we all hope life will be like for us. Good health well into retirement.

They'll also be the people who had kids in their 40s, who died in their mid 50s and early 60s. Leaving a young adult children behind.

And the people in between, those who are ill or incapacitated before they hit 70, but who struggle on. I know at least 3 people who took Dementia in their 60s.

I can tell you that the aging process seems to speed up a lot more quickly after 50. At 50 I was in a full time job and doing a lot of overtime. I would have easily managed a 5 year old. My point was not that the OP would not be able to manage a baby or young child, just that when you are 60, you get TIRED!! Add in a hormonal teenager and life would be difficult. I am aware that not all parents would find it hard, but it would not be a life I would choose!

I am sure others have said this, but the time to do it for the other child was when they were much younger. They will be flying the nest in a blink of an eye. Perhaps that is what you are anticipating even though it might be 4 years away. It is a very difficult "hole" to navigate. I would suggest that instead of planning a baby you start planning for the life you wish to live once the nest is empty. It means finding yourself again, reacquainting yourself with the person you used to be before you became a mother, but now much older. It's a difficult task, but life does throw these "opportunities" our way. If you don't run away from it (by having another baby) you might find it ends up being completely amazing.

I'm sure nobody meant they're as involved with the birthing and breastfeeding. 🙄

I don’t think there’s anything wrong in being 60 with a 15 year old.
I mean it’s not like you’re carrying them up & down stairs or having to run around with them at the park.

Edit to add: no father is just as involved in the parenting process as the mother. 😂I mean come on. Who has the baby?

Parenting process (slightly weird turn of phrase but ok) is presumably more than the pregnancy and breastfeeding bit. Given that DH has been a SAHD since DS was one, and he's now 10, I think that counts as being just as involved as me - and I breastfed until DS was 3 and a half.

I wonder how many 15yo really want a 60yo or older parent?

I dunno - most kids, if parented adequately, just want their own parent. My father was extremely unwell when I was in my teens, I didn't wish I had a different dad.

I think saying that someone is on the older side is one thing, but calling women “selfish” for doing so is another and is what upsets people.

It is upsetting to perceive that someone is calling you selfish, but from a lot of people’s perspective, for some very sound reasons and personal experiences that have been laid out in this thread, it IS a selfish decision when you are in the position described by the OP. I don’t think anyone has said that ALL older parents are selfish, but someone choosing to become a parent (especially for the second time) at such an age is not doing it for altruistic reasons, and when you look at the potential downsides or problems, it is arguably a selfish choice.

Its not that shocking, do the maths. Someone has a child at 22 (not even a crazily young age) and their child also has one at 22 that means grandparent at 44. Really not that shocking and I say that as someone who doesn't necessarily think op is too old for a baby

What 15 year old would want Sandra Bullock,Courtney Cox,Calista Flockart,Kylie Minoguge (heading towards it) turning up at the playground.After all at 60 they are barely alive & look like ancient old prunes😂
Anyone who believes a 15 year old wouldn't be extremely proud to have people like this for a parent needs to reconsider their views of what 60 can be like, especially nowadays.

I wouldn't have cared tbh. All parents seem ancient at 15

I don't think most teenagers care, do they? They just think their parents are ancient no matter what, lol.

Yes obviously I was referring to older parents generally rather than just about the OP’s situation.

Yes but you have to admit you are rather in the minority. Most fathers do as little as they can get away with, let’s be honest.

Exactly this. I barely took notice of mine or my friends’ parents ages at 15. Mine were on the younger side and definitely seemed ancient 😂
I’m also struggling to understand the not wanting a 15 year old at home when 60. I love kids and have a big extended family and am used to a vibrant and noisy home. I can’t imagine it being just DH and I at 60. If it is like that then so be it and I will enjoy retirement but it wouldn’t bother me if I still had kids at home then. Of course everyone is different though. It’s such a personal choice.

Of course they care. I thought my mum was so old and embarrassing and she had me at 35!