Elderly parents won't write wills or funeral plans.

[Iaminthefly]

AIBU to be starting to get seriously stressed about it?

My parents are both mid 70s. I have been asking them for several years now to please sort out their wills and funeral plans. They keep saying they will but still haven't done it.

I am a lone parent of two young DC. No other real family support other than my parents. I have an older brother but given my DM still buys his food shopping it's doubtful how much help he would be.

I just really worried that I'm going to end up negotiating funerals and estates (niether of which I have any experience of) absolutely blind because they won't put anything in place. I also stress I'll make a complete balls up of it because I will be absolutely grief stricken.

I've asked and asked but they will not do it. Nobody likes facing their mortality but I'm starting to feel its quite selfish of them not to get it sorted out.

So I'm guessing you have financial LPAs in place so that you can each access each other's money if one of you loses capacity to manage their own affairs?

I didn't have LPOA for my dad or a will, I contacted the bank and they said that if I sent them a photo of the death certificate and receipts for the funeral expenses they'd transfer the money to my account. Even if we had a LPOA that wouldn't have helped as it ends when they die.

If the estate is over a certain value you apply for probate either with or without a will. If op's parents want everything split 50/50 the process is no different.

Having done this, it's not that hard. Pick a funeral service (for argument sake say the Coop) tell them who's died and where they are, they arrange everything, then they come to your house to talk to you about the arrangements, you can pick the casket, flowers, etc from a catalogue, you tell them what announcement you want in the paper which will give the funeral details as well. They will ask what sort of funeral, what celebrant and arrange everything for you.

There will be a paper trail to follow, report the death and get a death certificate from the registrars office, councils now usually have a one stop service that sorts out all sorts automatically. For the estate just go to a solicitor (if you don't want to tackle it yourself) they will handle everything, they will contact banks and building societies, other investment companies and utilities, they will collect the funds and deal with probate if necessary. If there is a house to sell they will act on your behalf on that too.

If your parents don't want to think about it or arrange anything just leave it alone you will cope fine.

Thankfully, my DF had such a terrible time dealing with his parents' estate (and that was a relatively cut and dry situation, he was an only child and they had been in assisted living for a while, so had already downsized etc) that he set up a living trust immediately after.

My mother has a basic will which isn't great but it's a start. A trust would mean I wouldn't struggle with the house for months. (They live in the USA. Divorced and live hundreds of miles apart, of course!)

I think people need to sort out wills when they're relatively young, because it feels less real if you're doing it in your late 40s. There's a lot of people judging the people in their 70s but if you haven't done one yet and you have children, you should probably start looking into it now. We see so many threads about one parent dying, the other remarrying and the estate essentially going to the new children. You think your spouse will look after your children until they are 20 years down the road with a new spouse and kids.

you don't need either to organise a funeral - infact a lpoa is null void after death

I paid for the funeral and then took the money back after probate was granted some week later

I'm so sorry to hear about your situation and you're absolutely right to highlight the need to have a "Health and Welfare" LPA in place (many people only focus on getting a "Property and Financial Affairs" LPA in place, but they're both essential and have to be granted separately by the donor before they lose capacity).

You can go into a stationery shop and buy a will form, which comes with instructions for filling it out if all that's needed is a simple will. It's better than nothing at all.

eg. If my spouse outlives me by 28 days I leave everything to my spouse, otherwise I leave everything to my children in equal shares. (stated in more formal language!) The time delay is to allow for both being in an accident for instance and one living a short time more than the other.

You can include a document with wishes, which aren't binding but let your relatives know if there's something special you'd like done - "no funeral flowers" or "please make sure my cat goes to a good home" or "Burn my diaries - don't you dare read them!"

This.

and anyone reading this thread who doesn’t have POAs in place, do it this month. It’s easy to do yourself, just follow the instructions carefully. Make it easy for those who will have to pick up the pieces when you become incapacitated.

if you’re single, separated, or don’t want your spouse to get their hands on your money, make a will. See a solicitor, buy a will pack or download one. Just make sure it is properly witnessed.

I personally feel that its selfish. Its taking the responsibility away from them and putting it onto their loved ones shoulders. We've got two parents both with dementia - POA's in place, wills in place, funeral plans in place - its been easier with all this already sorted. Although a house full of hoarded rubbish has been difficult and a thousand and one bank accounts. Spreadsheet with all accounts and passwords is essential.

My parents having seen what has happened with my inlaws and have put their wills in place and just actioned POA. They also downsized and regularly give away anything not needed to charity shops. Thank you mum and dad.

My husband and I in our 50's have sorted our wills and just sent off our POA's to be actioned. When we have some spare cash we'll sort the funeral plans. I do not want my children to have to find money to bury or cremate us or deal with the admin. We want to make it as easy as possible. That is the best gift I can give to them.

You could ask them, though, if they've granted each other LPAs should one of them lose capacity. 🤔

The estate pays for the funeral. If you present the bill to the deceased's bank they will pay it out of the estate even if probate isn't sorted yet.

People do need to do wills though. As PPs say it doesn't have to cost a fortune but it will make everyone's life much much easier, especially after the second parent dies.

Even when people think they don't have much worth leaving you would be amazed at the people who pop up out of the wood work when someone dies.

Forget the funeral plan for now OP, but do try and get them to write wills. Good luck.

Mid-70s is not elderly. If someone is struggling physically or cognitively it will be due to a medical condition, the same as if they were any other younger age, not due to their age alone.

You need to be using average life expectancy for a person in their mid-70s for your calculations, which is higher than the average life expectancy for all people.

Neither of my parents made a will, but both were so incapacitated before they died I had access to the bank accounts with their bank cards so could pay for the funerals. My mum had said in conversation that she wanted a natural eco friendly burial so that’s what I arranged. My dad never addressed what he wanted and died during the pandemic so I got him cremated with the Co-Op. I wouldn’t have dreamed of asking either of them about what they wanted! I’m 61 now and I plan to live a good few years yet, my best friend is 80 and she doesn’t mention dying either. I have mentioned to my son in conversation that I want to be Aquamated, a new way of disposing of the body that is gaining traction and will hopefully be mainstream by the time I pop my clogs! I only mentioned it because I had read an article about it.

It's a huge amount of work to sort funerals etc for people without wills. After the death of the last parent, the money from their estate won't be released for months so they are expecting you to pay out thousands for funerals in the interim.

They're being incredibly selfish in leaving it all to others.

Op been here, parent passed away, I was nok on health records, penniless, nothing in place, I had to take out credit card to pay for his funeral, funeral services now take payment up front before hand,
Lessons learnt for me, to never leave my children in this situation after my death, so funeral plan done, child has all documents, will done, also ' got a folder from amazon called ' when am gone' it will help my children in following days and months without added trauma or stress, so things like, account numbers, pin numbers for fone, cancellation of home items ' wifi, tv license, gas electric amazon account, eg, many more pages for leaving letters to loved ones, photos, grandchildren eg, wishes, I feel I have left a nice gift at the saddest time that they need to negotiate without worry,

Sudden loss of a person is bad enough without any added financial worries or wishes of that person wanted, I did not know my parents wishes on death or ever ask if they had a funeral plan or finances to support this, didn't cross my mind, so yes your right to ask, it's OK to have this conversation and how you prepare moving forwards, good luck op

Sorry, I have not read the full thread so sorry if I am repeating stuff others have said.

Age UK do a nice ‘life book’ where you record the important accounts, utilities, funeral plans, friends’ phone numbers etc. it’s worded sensitively. Just call them and they will send them out at no cost.

I am in my 50s and did my PoA and life book at the same time that my parents did theirs in their 70s. It made it feel like an admin task we were doing together. Rather than signing them off as on death’s door.

That's very poor. By contrast, a few days after my Dad died my Mum and I walked round to her branch of Bank of Scotland and the whole thing was dealt with then and there in a private room. A member of staff in branch did the ID checks and confirmed to the bereavement team that he'd seen the original death certificate and will. The bereavement team put everything in train immediately to convert the joint accounts into accounts in Mum's sole name, reissued her cheque book and debit card, closed Dad's credit card, and confirmed that a small amount in an ISA in Dad's sole name could be released to Mum on completion of a form, which they sent by post. I was advised by branch staff that the quickest way to get Mum a new credit card (she had been the second cardholder on Dad's) was to apply online rather than in branch, and so it proved. Over the next few weeks I was able to get the POA accepted and get online access to Mum's accounts. There were a few longish phone calls but it all went remarkably smoothly. The one big fly in the ointment was that BoS closed the branch three months later, but that was far less of a problem than it would have been without the PoA and online access (Mum won't countenance online banking for herself, so I am doing virtually everything - not much work, but essential).

We don't bank with BoS ourselves, but on the strength of how this has all worked out I'd consider them if we lived north of the border.

I’ll be the same ie parent with no will. Bank will advance money for the funeral or funeral directors will wait or I’ll pay for it whilst the funds come through. I’m an only child so I’ll complete the online forms and it will eventually all come to me. Having a will doesn’t stop you having to do admin. Just slightly different admin.

now a caveat here is that I’m not close to my mum so won’t be consumed with grief so will be just a process to perform and I don’t need the money.

"All plans have to be FCA regulated nowadays so your money is safe if the funeral plan company goes out of business." Indeed, they should be regulated by the FCA, but there's nothing to stop a company setting up as a funeral plan provider and just adding the FCA logo to their website and literature. It's incumbent on everyone thinking of taking out such a plan to check the FCA website first to ensure their potential provider is an authorised provider because if they're not, then no claim could be made to the FSCS for compensation if that company goes bust.

Yes, but as I've said once already on this thread, what sort of quality of life will they have in those 15 to 20 years? Will they still be in good health and fitness and have full mental capacity? Taking my parents as an example, they were in reasonably good health in their mid 70s and then started to slow down (physically) as they moved through their 80s. Once mobility goes and the older person is starting to get tired more quickly and to struggle with lifting, standing on stools etc there are practical issues in getting things like downsizing, sorting of house contents and going to the solicitor's office, even when a person has full capacity. My Dad died at 89 and my Mum at 92 is not going to be with us much longer. I am so relieved that they sorted their affairs out long ago when they were well able to cope with that task, and also did a lot of sorting and disposing of stuff. This is just one case, but many older people die long before the late 80s/early 90s and it's often after several sad and difficult years of poor health and cognitive decline.

We each speak our own experience my mother died at 93. She was totally independent lived on her own did everything for herself - her generation was tough She was a very impressive lady.

That's your personal experience and I'm sorry you're involved with a bank that is being difficult about it. In the UK, most banks will release funds from a deceased person's account to cover funeral expenses before probate is granted, provided you present a copy of the death certificate and funeral invoice - my husband has done this twice now in recent years. However, this is at the bank's discretion and policies may vary between institutions, so clearly the bank you're dealing with isn't very understanding and I'm sorry they've made it difficult for you.

Do they realise that when one dies, the other will only get £322k plus half of what’s left under Intestacy rules ?
Not a problem if the Estate is under that, could be a big problem if over, your Brother could legally demand his share and so could you.

I haven't had a chance to read the whole thread but one thing I would say is that in my view tactfully establishing what a person wants done with their remains is more important than what they want at their funeral service. The latter is over and done with but the former stays on.

I speak at someone who is currently 'looking after' two lots of ashes from close relatives because they didn't specify what they wanted done with them.

No, not all, as @ThisFluentBiscuit 's experience has shown, but most will. However, it's at the bank's discretion and policies vary between institutions, so it's unfortunate that @ThisFluentBiscuit is dealing with a bank that's making things even more difficult at what is already a difficult time. Shame on them (wonder which bank it is?).