Elderly parents won't write wills or funeral plans.

[Iaminthefly]

AIBU to be starting to get seriously stressed about it?

My parents are both mid 70s. I have been asking them for several years now to please sort out their wills and funeral plans. They keep saying they will but still haven't done it.

I am a lone parent of two young DC. No other real family support other than my parents. I have an older brother but given my DM still buys his food shopping it's doubtful how much help he would be.

I just really worried that I'm going to end up negotiating funerals and estates (niether of which I have any experience of) absolutely blind because they won't put anything in place. I also stress I'll make a complete balls up of it because I will be absolutely grief stricken.

I've asked and asked but they will not do it. Nobody likes facing their mortality but I'm starting to feel its quite selfish of them not to get it sorted out.

Because it's a very rude way of going about things.

I'm very glad for her and you that that's how it was for your Mum, but she was an outlier. I know quite a number of women of a similar age to me or a bit older (I'm 63) and almost all of them have had a lot to do supporting one or more elderly parents, parents-in-law and other relatives through years and years of increasing frailty, ill health, needing care at home to be able to stay there, sometimes having to go into a care home or nursing home. My recent experience with my Mum, whose health is declining pretty fast now, has made me think long and hard about what to do now and over the next few years to make things easier for our children when the time comes. I hope to have a reasonably healthy life for a good few years to come, but nothing is guaranteed.

It really, really isn't. Powers of Attorney are best drawn up well in advance of need. You can't give PoA if there's any loss of capacity. The process children (or whoever you would give your PoA to) have to go through to manage your affairs without one is difficult and takes a long time, meanwhile others take those decisions out of everyone's hands.

You can't know when you are going to need someone to manage your affairs suddenly and many elderly people jog along without noticing or in denial about their capabilities declining - it's only human but it causes such problems later on. People are really bad at acknowledging what is likely to happen. Everyone thinks they are in control.

Powers of Attorney in England & Wales are drawn up and lie dormant until needed, they can only be activated when you lose capacity health), or you lose capacity or give explicit permission (finance only) which can be withdrawn. I have mine already drawn up and I'm 60.

An LPA is void after the donor has died and has nothing to do with sorting out the affairs of someone who's died. In order to do that they either have to be a named Executor in the deceased's Will, or if there is no Will, to apply to Letters of Administration, before applying for Probate.

Doesn't matter how "tough" they are if they suffer physical or mental illness.

My MIL was "tough" but she suffered dementia and had a very poor quality of life in her last few years in terms of confusion, memory loss, frustration by not being able to do things, etc.

My mother's last few years were dominated by hospital visits firstly due to a hip replacement, and as soon as she was recovered from that and able to be out and about on her own again, she got cancer and suffered a couple of years of on/off cancer treatment, chemotherapy, radiotherapy, a couple of operations, etc.

Both were fiercely independent but when the body or mind gives up on you, it really doesn't matter how "tough" they once were!

Good on your mum - it's not morbid at all - it's kind, considerate and common sense and I hope you love her even more for doing it. 😍BTW, do please open it - if only to make sure she hasn't password-protected it (given it contains highly sensitive info') and has forgotten to tell you. 😱😂

Also you don't need to be elderly to lose capacity (unless you can be 100% sure you won't be in an accident which results in a coma obviously).

My mil did the opposite, she did her will without telling anyone, leaving everything to her daughter but making my dh executor so he had all of the responsibility and none of the reward.

My mother was and is tough as they come, and that's why she is still alive at 90 following a big stroke at 87 which has eventually robbed her of speech, mobility and mental capacity. If she had done an LPOA for health instead of just finances, we would have been able to be her voice much more effectively.

I'm 55 and finally doing my LPOA now that ds is 21. I personally felt he was too young to have it before that.

I agree. It can be a great shock to see how quickly someone can deteriorate. People often say that they'll do the POA or will when they feel "the time is right", but often that moment comes and goes and they don't do it, and then it's too late. My MIL had dementia but at first, it was just general forgetfulness, and once she was reminded, she'd be able to understand, etc., such as dealing with finances, investments, etc. We'd talk about POA, and she'd agree to do it, understood what it was, etc., but would then just push back, saying she'll know when the time's right. Next day, she'd have forgotten all about it and we'd have the same conversation again. She was able to sign paperwork, we could take her to the bank, etc., so she was "competent" as far as it went. But then she went downhill rapidly, and the moment passed within a few days, to where she couldn't understand what a POA was, and there was no way we'd get anyone to certify her as understanding what she was signing. It caused no end of problems with finances, etc., and we couldn't even use her money to pay for care as getting the alternative to a POA takes about six months. An absolute nightmare. People really need to take it more seriously and get their affairs sorted whilst they're mentally competent to understand what they're doing and literally things can change on the flip of a coin when you're elderly.

He could have relinquished the executor role - it's not compulsory to do it if you're named in a will.

No, no-one is "expected" to step in as Administrator if there's no Will. Even someone who is named as an Executor in a Will can renounce the responsibility using form PA15.

LPAs cannot be used after death. They are for managing things whilst the donor is alive.

Banks will release funds from the deceased's account to pay funeral bills.

We have wills but not funeral plans because I think funerals are for the living and arranging them gives some comfort. They did for me anyway.

We did our POAs in our 50s as soon as our son turned 21. Having seen the nightmare of dealing with our respective parents without POAs in place, no way would be burden our son with that. Bad enough children having to deal with their parents' health and financial affairs (dead or alive), but adding in the extra stress and hassle of not having a POA is just cruel on them.

He wouldn't do that, he wants to carry out her wishes despite being hurt that she left him nothing.

I quite agree. I’m a teacher and twice I’ve had to try teach the class knowing that a child’s parent has been killed on the way to work that morning and the child didn’t yet know. In both cases the surviving parent decided to keep the children in school while they coped with the shock etc. It makes you very aware that you can die suddenly.

No if probate is happening accounts are frozen, length of time for probate 12/18 months, but if person has funeral plan in place this pays out , funeral services will place monthly interest on bill until paid all becoming very costly, most funeral services don't take you on board until you part pay or pay infill, for this reason

That must have been very hard.

Please get them to at least do these three things:
Write a very simple DIY will leaving everything to each other. This avoids probate and funds being frozen for months.

Make sure their bank accounts are in both names so whoever survives the other can access their cash.

Get them to put aside money for a funeral,m maybe in a fund you can access, perhaps in your name, so you can pay for it easily.

You could also chat to them about their favourite songs and keep a note of ones that might be suitable. Look over old photos with them and ask for copies. Chat about best times of their lives so you have some anecdotes.

Mine are early 90s and though they have made wills they refuse to talk about funerals.

Dh's bank met with me and paid the contents of his current account to me immediately. This was months before probate and long before even the inquest. It probably helps that we were clearly a couple (married etc) but below a certain amount many banka will do this.

The Powers of Attorney Act 2023 made the application process in the UK online-only since 18.9.23. I don't know why you think it's harder in Ireland? Geographical distance between the donor's and attorney's locations would make everything more difficult regardless of whether the LPA application process was on- or off-line.

Unfortunately not all banks will allow even a joint account to remain unfrozen in the event one of the signatories lose capacity. Good to check this with a bank before you decide not to have an LPA.

Accounts are frozen but they will pay the funeral bill and inheritance tax. I’ve worked for 2 high street banks bereavement departments, I know what I’m talking about.