Page 9 | To think this reaction is self absorbed.

Mrsmozza123 · 2025-02-08T23:12:45+00:00

So. Everyone is fine but. I went to check on my 4 year DS while he was sleeping. He'd taken his duvet out of the cover got inside the duvet cover and wrapped himself in it. I found him tangled and for a terrible split second I thought he could have strangled or suffocated. He was fine, a bit hot but definitely breathing and moving. Thank goodness. I called my DH for help a few times and he shouted back "Yes?". Eventually once I knew DS was safe I went downstairs to tell DH what had happened. I was really shaken. DH seemed more concerned that i was having a go at him for not coming upstairs. I really wasn't. I was expecting him to hug me or say thank goodness he's OK, to share my concern. Instead he was saying "well you didn't sound very panicked, how was it supposed to know you needed me?" And "Sounds like you've just come downstairs to have a go at me" I just walked off, I've had a little cup of tea and a cry on my own because I can't sleep.

RobinHeartella · 09/02/2025 08:30

olympicsrock · 09/02/2025 08:24

Unless they are dead and have already been past that stage …. Ridiculous comment

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Thats why I said "have been"! Unless op's house is so noisy or large, she'd have heard her child thrashing and screaming before he died of suffocation.

I and so many others on this thread have explained this, please RTFT. We have been trying to reassure op not to worry her child will die in the night, because he won't.

I actually think it's weirder and crueller that some people are trying to insist that op's child could have died. What are you trying to gain? Yes it might make you more "popular/nice" on this thread but at the expense of terrifying a mother?!

Thatissimplyuntrue · 09/02/2025 08:31

Mrsmozza123 · 09/02/2025 08:22

I really don't think it was irrational at the time.

Genuine fear when I found him as he was really tangled with sheets tightly round his neck and face. He seemed to have been playing with his sheets and had done it deliberately and got stuck. Once he was free I knew he was safe. If I hadn't found him in time something bad could have happened.

Your body doesn't always catch up when you become aware the danger had passed though does it. The natural fear response stays for a while it's adrenaline. A simple fact of science. It can have you playing out the "what ifs" after the event.

I'd have really appreciated some comfort from my husband. I didn't get it.

That was the reason for my post.

I didn't want to be told what had happened and have it minimised.

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It wasn’t irrational. What you experienced was traumatic lovely. Please stop responding to people that are minimising and joining in with your DHs gaslighting. There is little in life as traumatic as thinking your child might be dead. Go easy on yourself and be kind to yourself. Don’t give anyone minimising your response the time of day. Take extra good care of yourself today and in the coming days. It can take a while for shock to work through. Is there someone you can talk to who will be kind and nurturing and give you a hug? I’m sending you an unmumsnetty hug now.

DancingNotDrowning · 09/02/2025 08:31

God some of you posters should be ashamed of yourself - OP had a shock. Even if it was irrational - and I don’t think it was particular out there - she’s genuinely upset and was looking for comfort and reassurance. Why bother posting to be mean?

pictoosh · 09/02/2025 08:32

Ach OP, at first I though maybe you were being a tad precious...but actually, you're not. You're simply describing what happened.
It's one of those scenarios where communication is misfired and misinterpreted. Your dh took your fright as a personal attack, either because he misunderstood you or because he is self-absorbed and can't handle what he perceives as criticism.

I could be wrong but what I think you're really concerned about is your dh's capacity to make things all about him and his feelings.

Lyannaa · 09/02/2025 08:34

andyouwillknowusbythetrailofdead · 09/02/2025 08:14

Sorry that your DH and a lot of posters here haven't responded how you wanted them to.

I'm sick of reading this passive aggressive nonsense on here.

Convolvulus · 09/02/2025 08:34

RobinHeartella · 08/02/2025 23:33

I just wondered because I don't think an able bodied child aged 4 can possibly suffocate in their own blankets. If their face/nose/mouth are get covered up they wake up, and a reflex action pushes their arms and legs till they break free. And they'd be yelling for help as they struggle.

If he had some kind of disability that meant he couldn't roll over unaided for example, then your fear makes more sense. Or on very strong drowsy medication...?

Or unless you meant 4 weeks/months old, not 4 years old...?

If you have a healthy, able bodied 4yo child, then sorry to sound harsh but it's a bit bonkers that you're worrying about him suffocating in his own blankets. It's impossible.

Edit to clarify I'm not talking about choking on food which can happen at any age.

Edited

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These posts criticising OP for feeling scared in the moment are totally missing the point. It doesn't matter whether, with all the luxury of hindsight, you think she was justified. The fact is that she was, and when she needed support and a bit of sympathy her husband was more concerned with justifying himself.

OP, I think you need to explain that you were simply telling him what had happened, you weren't criticising him, but that his reaction was unhelpful given that what you needed at that point was support.

GoldenGail · 09/02/2025 08:34

You got a fright….we can empathise with that. Your going off and crying and blaming your husband seems to me like a massive over reaction. You did ask and seem annoyed at the answers

Original poster

Mrsmozza123 · 09/02/2025 08:34

pictoosh · 09/02/2025 08:32

Ach OP, at first I though maybe you were being a tad precious...but actually, you're not. You're simply describing what happened.
It's one of those scenarios where communication is misfired and misinterpreted. Your dh took your fright as a personal attack, either because he misunderstood you or because he is self-absorbed and can't handle what he perceives as criticism.

I could be wrong but what I think you're really concerned about is your dh's capacity to make things all about him and his feelings.

Yes exactly.

It was the fact he somehow made himself the victim

OP posts:

pictoosh · 09/02/2025 08:35

I don't think the OP needs reassured that her child won't suffocate in his own duvet cover in the night.
I think she needs reassured that she's not mad to think her dh's reaction was self-absorbed and disproportionate, given she hadn't even accused him of anything.

Convolvulus · 09/02/2025 08:35

Thatissimplyuntrue · 09/02/2025 08:31

It wasn’t irrational. What you experienced was traumatic lovely. Please stop responding to people that are minimising and joining in with your DHs gaslighting. There is little in life as traumatic as thinking your child might be dead. Go easy on yourself and be kind to yourself. Don’t give anyone minimising your response the time of day. Take extra good care of yourself today and in the coming days. It can take a while for shock to work through. Is there someone you can talk to who will be kind and nurturing and give you a hug? I’m sending you an unmumsnetty hug now.

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Exactly. I support this all the way.

Mountainfrog · 09/02/2025 08:36

Pippinsdiary · 09/02/2025 01:53

I don’t think you sound ridiculous. I walked in recently and my 3yo had rolled off the bed slightly into her bed guard with her head trapped down and her body on the bed. For a split second a wave of dread/horror (I can’t even explain it) flooded through me thinking she had strangled herself. Not even sure that’s possible thinking about it

I was shaking for ages after I couldn’t get the sight out of my head

I’m not sure your husband has done anything wrong though, he obviously doesn’t understand what you saw or how you felt in that moment

Agree with this

our LO came into bed with us on holiday once - it was a sofa bed. Somehow she managed to go through a gap in the headrest (which was kind of the arm of the sofa) and got trapped by her head. I still sometimes get a bit of a flashback to that, what if we hadn’t woken up and she had hanged herself… though in the moment it happened we actually sorted it out quite calmly, it’s been afterwards I’ve thought about what might have happened.

Ghosttofu99 · 09/02/2025 08:36

LoztWorld · 09/02/2025 00:28

It’s the fact you thought your child wasn’t breathing when no reasonable person would draw that conclusion that makes this so ridiculous though.

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I think it’s a shame so many people are piling on the op in an unkind fashion.

It’s also frustrating when people on here use anxiety to minimise any reaction they don’t agree with from another woman. In the not so distant past op would have been accused of hysteria. Just another way for women’s opinions and experiences to be dismissed. It’s also very insulting to people who do have genuine anxiety disorders.

If any one of those criticising the op for an over the top reaction walked in to see what they thought was a child not breathing then anxiety would be a very natural response. It’s in fact how our bodies are supposed to react in a life of death situation.

Samung · 09/02/2025 08:37

In a typical MN reaction the majority of replies are posters having a dig at Op and telling her she was over reacting.
Whereas the real point of the post is that Op was panicking, called for help, and her husband ignored her. He didn't know it was a baseless panic (if it was), he just didn't move his lazy arse to find out what was wrong.
Op if you're really in trouble you maybe need to commit to what you yell, something like 'Help me! Quick! Come now I need help!'.

Newfoundzestforlife · 09/02/2025 08:37

MagnusCanis · 09/02/2025 02:48

@HereNext Why didn't he come upstairs?

OP has presented no evidence at all that this is what she verbalised to him, and in any case what more use would he have been upstairs?

Jeez...you're like a dog with a bone!

Don't you have anything better to do than pick apart an upset mums story and attempt to catch her out?

Thatissimplyuntrue · 09/02/2025 08:37

Mrsmozza123 · 09/02/2025 08:34

Yes exactly.

It was the fact he somehow made himself the victim

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Next time he goes away start listening to Dr Ramani on you tube and see if it fits. I suspect it will. If it fits, it will, at least, help you to step away and observe his behaviour differently and make it feel less personal. I’m going to make some massive assumptions based on this, and probably influenced by my own experience, but your DH is a twat!

fiorentina · 09/02/2025 08:39

I think he wasn’t kind, even if he didn’t rush you were obviously worried. It doesn’t take much to comfort sOmeone. His reaction sounds uncaring. Are you generally quite anxious as I say this only if he’s used to you being panicked and has stopped reacting?

Original poster

Mrsmozza123 · 09/02/2025 08:42

Mountainfrog · 09/02/2025 08:36

Agree with this

our LO came into bed with us on holiday once - it was a sofa bed. Somehow she managed to go through a gap in the headrest (which was kind of the arm of the sofa) and got trapped by her head. I still sometimes get a bit of a flashback to that, what if we hadn’t woken up and she had hanged herself… though in the moment it happened we actually sorted it out quite calmly, it’s been afterwards I’ve thought about what might have happened.

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Hugs, these things and the "what ifs" and the self blame stay with you.
I'm sorry that happened. X

OP posts:

Anycrispsleft · 09/02/2025 08:42

My husband is like this. Everything is about him. He never offers any help or comfort in difficult situations because if you're unhappy he assumes it's something he did and he immediately goes on the defensive. I understand why he's like that but God it's wearing. You can't talk to him about a fucking thing, and he's useless in an emergency.

Newfoundzestforlife · 09/02/2025 08:44

LBFseBrom · 09/02/2025 04:29

You sound pretty self absorbed and crying is a gross over-reaction, frankly. Children do things like this all the time. If this bothered you so much, buy some different bedding for your boy.

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Crying is never an over reaction....it's a normal human response to stress and no one should ever be shamed for it.

Starlight7080 · 09/02/2025 08:45

Mrsmozza123 · 09/02/2025 07:45

Please leave me alone

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Irrational anxiety! I'm sorry what qualifications do you have to diagnosis people based on one post on mumsnet?
Have you diagnosed yourself with being an arsehole?

Ivyy · 09/02/2025 08:45

I don't think you were overreacting op, he's still only 4, seeing anything like that stuck covering a young child's face and round their neck would scare me the same way. Not sure why you're getting such a hard time. Also only took me a quick Google to find this:

https://capt.org.uk/suffocation-prevention/

Your dh sounds like he goes on the defensive to any perceived criticism or disappointment, mine does that too. If he'd been there in the moment and seen your son like that himself I'm sure he wouldn't behaved differently. My dh would prob have thought I was overreacting as well if he hadn't seen it for himself. I'm with you op

Thatissimplyuntrue · 09/02/2025 08:46

GoldenGail · 09/02/2025 08:34

You got a fright….we can empathise with that. Your going off and crying and blaming your husband seems to me like a massive over reaction. You did ask and seem annoyed at the answers

It’s a very typical and fully human response to adrenaline. The human brain, simplified, can be split into two parts. One is our cave person brain. It’s the bit we share with all mammals. It’s our instincts, our attachment, our emotions, our fight or flight. The other, upper bit, has evolved over time. It’s the bit that rationalises, plans, can think of abstract ideas.

In a moment like seeing your child in that state, the upper bit switches off and the lower bit is in charge. Its instincts and the body would be flooded with adrenaline. As the situation becomes clearer and the upper brain starts to make sense of what is happening it puts the breaks on the lower bit.

That whole process is quite powerful and tears are a way of the body releasing those powerful hormones once the threat has gone. They also express the high emotions that the body is experiencing.

What the OP has described is completely normal.

AndThereSheGoes · 09/02/2025 08:48

Take it down to the basics.
I was scared for my child's wellbeing for a second. Natural adrenaline response had me feeling shaken. Husband chose not to comfort me but to go on the defensive and feel sorry for himself. I come to mumsnet for some compassion.

Your AIBU was about your husband being self absorbed. The only answer to that is no he wasn't. He didn't come when you called and you feel like you were left to deal with the "scary" situation on your own. He can only be on the defensive if you've gone in on the attack in some way. Everyone is minimising because actually although initially frightening it's wasn't an emergency, just a "what if".

You shouldn't post in AIBU if that's not what you are really asking. Post in chat or relationships and say you had a scare and felt unsupported. People will talk you down gently over your insecurity and sympathise with your relationship ( husband in the military).

WhollarBill · 09/02/2025 08:49

This thread is crazy! I get it OP. I can completely sympathise with that feeling of dread when you think your child is hurt or dead!
I don't want to out myself by going into detail, but I can think of two similar occasions when I thought DC was really in trouble, and my DH reacted like yours. I wonder if it's almost a defensive emotion embedded in them?
I can't understand the pile-on from some posters here. Hopefully they are just keyboard warriors and not that horrible in real life.

Thatissimplyuntrue · 09/02/2025 08:51

AndThereSheGoes · 09/02/2025 08:48

Take it down to the basics.
I was scared for my child's wellbeing for a second. Natural adrenaline response had me feeling shaken. Husband chose not to comfort me but to go on the defensive and feel sorry for himself. I come to mumsnet for some compassion.

Your AIBU was about your husband being self absorbed. The only answer to that is no he wasn't. He didn't come when you called and you feel like you were left to deal with the "scary" situation on your own. He can only be on the defensive if you've gone in on the attack in some way. Everyone is minimising because actually although initially frightening it's wasn't an emergency, just a "what if".

You shouldn't post in AIBU if that's not what you are really asking. Post in chat or relationships and say you had a scare and felt unsupported. People will talk you down gently over your insecurity and sympathise with your relationship ( husband in the military).

Edited

Disagree. The question is was the DH unreasonable for assuming criticism where there wasn’t any and for being not only unempathic, but also getting angry. My view is that the answer is that her DH sounds like a twat.