To think this reaction is self absorbed.

[Mrsmozza123]

So. Everyone is fine but.
I went to check on my 4 year DS while he was sleeping. He'd taken his duvet out of the cover got inside the duvet cover and wrapped himself in it. I found him tangled and for a terrible split second I thought he could have strangled or suffocated. He was fine, a bit hot but definitely breathing and moving. Thank goodness.
I called my DH for help a few times and he shouted back "Yes?".
Eventually once I knew DS was safe I went downstairs to tell DH what had happened. I was really shaken.
DH seemed more concerned that i was having a go at him for not coming upstairs. I really wasn't.
I was expecting him to hug me or say thank goodness he's OK, to share my concern.

Instead he was saying "well you didn't sound very panicked, how was it supposed to know you needed me?"
And
"Sounds like you've just come downstairs to have a go at me"
I just walked off, I've had a little cup of tea and a cry on my own because I can't sleep.

It wasn't an over reaction. A simple "Oh f*ck, that was horrible..." which nearly blew up because my DH had to make it about him then I diffused it and walked away.

It may seem like it here because it's been whipped up into a frenzy by all the people calling me hysterical and me having to justify myself so much.

Split second fear by a really confronting scene, followed by a couple of hours of natural adrenaline response while I calmed my nerves after untangling him.

Goodness, the typos! I don't think your DH did anything wrong. I would have reacted in the same way as him.

"Gently"...

Proceeds to go in like a bull in a china shop.

Sorry you have had a bad experience. Glad your DS is safe and well. That's all that matters.

You are right. The hardest part of him going away is the bit after he comes back. He's military and comes back exhausted. I'm excited to share the loads again. It takes a while to get back in our groove.

Normally if DS did something like wet the bed and we were both up we would both help sort it. I think that's why I was so mad that he didn't seem to give a cr@p.

Military, yeah.

Completely understandable; it takes time to become a team again. If he's not normally quite so unkind then put it down to him being tired, and not getting the scare that you did.

I hope you're feeling better this morning, pay zero attention to posters who repeatedly post looking for reactions.

Now make sure you never react to anything, become a paramedic and never expect support from your DH, so then you're sorted! 😆

I am afraid this is a 'normal' dad reaction. I was indignant too, so many times, and then realised there is a vast difference between male and female care givers, sorry. Don't get yourself wound up, he won't change.

Let's be brutally honest (and sorry you had such a horrible experience OP) - with a very few exceptions, if we want to assure the safety of our children we can rely only on ourselves, not on any of the men who are supposedly 'involved'. They will always put their own needs first.

This is good to hear op, I'm glad you are feeling calmer about it now "in the light of day" as they say. I think it was confusing because it seemed in your replies that you were insisting that it was rational/reasonable to fear that dc could have suffocated, so many responses (inc mine) were trying to persuade you that there was no need to worry.

It does sound like a communication issue between you and dh.

I get irrational fear moments sometimes, for example I'm occasionally worried I can hear an intruder in the night, because we've had three burglary break-ins on my road. In that moment I'm genuinely quite frightened. But the difference is that I don't expect sympathy/validation from my dh with these fears; his reaction is more like "come on Robin it's just a fox in the garden, let me go back to sleep" and we both laugh it off and I am apologetic. I know I'm being irrational because everything is locked and cctv front and back. I don't need dh to hug me and say "whew what a close shave" and I'm not going to sulk or cry if he doesn't sympathise. Because I'm being silly! Silliness doesn't need to be indulged. And you weren't acknowledging you were being irrational, you doubled down (to dh and on here) which he found irritating perhaps.

However, my dh's response when I do this is basically affectionate, although it's what you would call "minimising". It seems in your updates your dh wasn't affectionate, your dh was just outright annoyed.

Only you know if that's because he's just lost all patience with you being irrational (you say you don't make a habit of it), or because your dh is a dickhead, or because the relationship has broken down through long distance. Either way, it sounds like it escalated disproportionately

Sorry that your DH and a lot of posters here haven't responded how you wanted them to.

If you shouted down the stairs in a calm way I think its perfectly reasonable to get a call back rather than him rushing up. If you shouted in a panicked way, then given you knew there was actually no panic, that's pretty awful of you. Why on earth would you want to inflict a heart stopping moment of baseless terror on your husband, just because you had the misfortune of it happening to you? A reasonable action would have been to have gone down, described what happened and said you were distressed. You may have then got the comfort you wanted. Most people dislike the creation of fear and drama and get understandably irritated when people use that to get attention. If your husband doesn't support you or pay you attention generally that's another issue.

I still don't understand why you needed to keep calling your dh? He's not your emotional support dog. Fair enough it was a bit scary for a moment but you untangled him and he was fine. Presumably if you still felt shaken up you could've just gone downstairs and had a hug. My dm used to be like this, always expecting others to drop what they are doing and come running to her. Do you do this often?

I’m presuming it’s not the material she was worried about, more that he’d got his head stuck in it (between the poppers- or in the place where one popper had opened) which if he’d then tossed and turned I could picture how it could make it hard for his head to easily come back out and made the duvet bunch and tighten.

Completely understandable to feel a moment of panic seeing your DS like this OP. It doesn’t make you ridiculously anxious, it’s a normal reaction in the moment of not being quite sure what was going on.

I'm trying to tell op she doesn't need to worry that her child will randomly die in the night. Yeah maybe my tone got a bit more firm, in the "pull yourself together love" way.

I actually think the responses that said "that must have been scary, yes I've read newspaper reports of children dying in their bedsheets" to be far MORE cruel. Op seemed to be genuinely frightened for her child and those comments were trying to feed that fear.

@Mrsmozza123 I think people are really (willfully or not) misunderstanding you re the duvet and blankets. This isn't a case of a normal duvet in its cover or blankets going up on a child's face where as an able bodied 4 year old he'd push them off reflexively.

The duvet cover alone was wrapped and tangled around his face and neck as he'd taken out the duvet, where if he couldnt breath he'd not be able to detangle, and as you had just walked in on this you couldn't know if he had already suffocated. I can see that would be a hideously scary moment. You were full of adrenaline and your husband wasn't, it would have been nice for him to read your cues and see you needed reassurance.

Can't help but wonder if the DH is used to dramatics and getting it in the neck over things. Even if OP didn't do it this time, maybe he expected a problem for a reason.

Don't be spiteful

Sounds awful for you OP. Those heart stopping., what if..., moments with your kids stay with you. It's no wonder you were shaken up. My husband is the same, he takes every little thing as a direct criticism and reacts defensively even in the most unnecessary circumstances. In his case, I think it's poor mental health and the fact he's a alcoholic. He's aware he can be a pretty shitty person and is always on the defence as a result. You learn to say very little.

I really don't think it was irrational at the time.

Genuine fear when I found him as he was really tangled with sheets tightly round his neck and face. He seemed to have been playing with his sheets and had done it deliberately and got stuck. Once he was free I knew he was safe. If I hadn't found him in time something bad could have happened.

Your body doesn't always catch up when you become aware the danger had passed though does it. The natural fear response stays for a while it's adrenaline. A simple fact of science. It can have you playing out the "what ifs" after the event.

I'd have really appreciated some comfort from my husband. I didn't get it.

That was the reason for my post.

I didn't want to be told what had happened and have it minimised.

I hear you OP.

I think you’ve hit bad timing with your thread and had some really odd responses. As gaslighting as your DHs, to be honest.

Of course it was a panic moment. Of course your adrenaline kicked in. Of course the appropriate response from your DH was empathy and a hug. It’s human basics.

I am sorry you haven’t had much empathy on here.

I recognise your DH’s behaviour. My DH can be the same. If him responding with anger at a slight hint he might be being criticised is potentially problematic. I’m further down the road from you and I wish I’d found the following sooner. I posted on here had these shared with me. I’ll share them with you. They might not fit or they might be light bulb moments for you like they were for me.

Why Does He Do That? By Lundy Bancroft. This is a bit from the section on ‘Mr Sensitive Abuser’…

• You seem to be hurting his feelings constantly, though you aren’t sure why, and he expects your attention to be focused endlessly on his emotional injuries. If you are in a bad mood one day and say something unfair or insensitive, it won’t be enough for you to give him a sincere apology and accept responsibility. He’ll go on and on about it, expecting you to grovel as if you had treated him with profound cruelty. (Notice the twist here: This is just what an abuser accuses his partner of doing to him, when all she is really looking for is a heartfelt “I’m sorry.”)
• When your feelings are hurt, on the other hand, he will insist on brushing over it quickly. He may give you a stream of pop-psychology language (“Just let the feelings go through you, don’t hold on to them so much,” or “It’s all in the attitude you take toward life,” or “No one can hurt you unless you let them”) to substitute for genuine support for your feelings, especially if you are upset about something he did. None of these philosophies applies when you upset him, however.
• With the passing of time, he increasingly casts the blame on to you for anything he is dissatisfied with in his own life; your burden of guilt keeps growing.
• He starts to exhibit a mean side that no one else ever sees and may even become threatening or intimidating.

The other thing that has helped me is learning about narcissistic personality styles. My DH ticks most of the boxes for Communal Narcissistic Personality Style. He is kind and ‘empathic’ to the outside world to me and DS he’s the above. Any tiny hint of criticism (even where there is none) he gets angry. And it’s got worse over the years. Dr Ramani on You Tube is great. To be clear, this isn’t about labelling your DH with a diagnosis but this might be his personality style and if you understand it then you can be clearer about what you are prepared to accept and what it’s possible to change.

This might not resonate with you at all but if it does and it gives you the insight now that I wish I had sooner then that’s good.

It was a shock and it was upsetting and that’s a normal response. Don’t be gaslit out of your reality.

Did anything happen when ds was younger op? I ask because I've reacted in a panic sometimes like this with dd.

When she was born we had a few instances of her suddenly turning blue and were in the hospital for quite some time. I didn't sleep for days staring at her oxygen meter, and wouldn't because I was terrified she was going to stop breathing if I stopped watching.

She is much older now, but still sonetimes I panic if I see a sheet or pillow over her face when passing her room. She is disabled, but I think I would still panic the same anyway.

I got treatment for PND but still get flashes even now. Luckily DH is very understanding on the rare occasion it happens though.

Unless they are dead and have already been past that stage …. Ridiculous comment

That's awful! Must have been scary 💐

I don’t think what actually happened here is the issue OP. l think what you thought had happened is the problem because it caused you to panic. The incident makes me wonder how supportive your DH is generally - l think the reaction ‘yes ?’, or ‘what ?’ when you call someone is lazy. He knew you were calling for his help and when you came downstairs he realised that his reaction in the moment should have been to get his arse off the sofa and upstairs to help.

What concerns me is that you needed comfort and reassurance when you came downstairs and instead he minimised your concerns and pushed back to avoid admitting he was wrong not to have helped. That’s your issue.