To think this reaction is self absorbed.

[Mrsmozza123]

So. Everyone is fine but.
I went to check on my 4 year DS while he was sleeping. He'd taken his duvet out of the cover got inside the duvet cover and wrapped himself in it. I found him tangled and for a terrible split second I thought he could have strangled or suffocated. He was fine, a bit hot but definitely breathing and moving. Thank goodness.
I called my DH for help a few times and he shouted back "Yes?".
Eventually once I knew DS was safe I went downstairs to tell DH what had happened. I was really shaken.
DH seemed more concerned that i was having a go at him for not coming upstairs. I really wasn't.
I was expecting him to hug me or say thank goodness he's OK, to share my concern.

Instead he was saying "well you didn't sound very panicked, how was it supposed to know you needed me?"
And
"Sounds like you've just come downstairs to have a go at me"
I just walked off, I've had a little cup of tea and a cry on my own because I can't sleep.

Morning @Mrsmozza123. I hope you’ve managed to get enough sleep and your DS is OK. Explain to him why he shouldn’t wrap sheets round his neck/head. I have three DS’s and emphasised to them from a young age the importance of being careful with necks because that’s how we breath. They don’t realise.

Have read all your posts but not entire thread. I’m so sorry it appears people piled onto you last night after you’d had such an awful shock, followed by zero empathy from your DH. The pile on must have made you feel a whole lot worse.

IMHO, your DH wasn’t at all supportive and I suggest you talk to him about it again once you’re feeling calmer and have a week or so’s perspective on this.

What he needs to reflect on is:

• If you call a DP from upstairs when you’re not in the habit doing of it, especially if you have kids, they should come immediately. There could be an intruder, a vomiting child or you could be hurt.

• If they don’t come when called and you come downstairs and have clearly had a terrible and unexpected scare, they should show concern and love: give you a hug, get you a drink, show empathy and reassure.

• If a child has apparently hurt their neck or done anything to obstruct breathing, they should check on them themselves. In your shock, you may have missed something.

• They shouldn’t get defensive (e.g. by saying you’re ‘having a go’ at them) when you ask why they didn’t do any of these things. It’s to be expected people act stressed when they’ve had a shock,

Your DP seems immature, uncaring and lacking in empathy.

If he’s prone to defensiveness, when you talk to him about it, explain how it made you feel using ‘I’ statements, rather than ‘you’ statements, so he doesn’t feel attacked, e.g. ‘I feel…:

• anxious you may not come if I called on another (perhaps more serious) occasion;
• unloved that you didn’t seem to appreciate how frightened I was to find our DS in that state, thinking he may not be breathing;
• uncared for that you didn’t look after or reassure me after such a shock and l was left to self-comfort by making my own tea and crying alone to let the shock out;
• concerned about our communication, given you tried to turn it on me and make me feel bad that I expected your support.

If he still doesn’t show any empathy or reflection on what he’d do differently next time, IMHO he’s not good partner material.

You’ve had some horrible replies, of course a little one could get tangled up inside a duvet cover, I can see how scary that would be.

FWIW if I got upstairs to check on the kids sleeping and I shout my husbands name I expect him to come upstairs, not wait for me to tell him he needs to come up. Last time I did that one of the kids had vomited on me and I was comforting her so I just shouted his name and up he came and helped me clear up.

Duvet covers are woven cotton you can breathe through it? It's not a fabric air can't get through??
Kindly OP, this is something my family would have probably laughed at, like Omg look what the little pickle has done?!
Tbh your bigger issue is your child's behaviour - he should have been sleeping/lying sensibly not undoing the duvet cover, removing the duvet etc? That's quite naughty??

Like "fck, that was horrible I just found our DS tangled in his sheet...he'd done x,y,z and j really panicked for a minute"
DH "why didn't you shout louder"
Me "He's fine now but I was shouting for you to help. I'm just a bit shaken now but hes OK"
DH "why are you just coming downstairs to have a go at me"
Me "I'm not, I'm just a bit upset I thought for a moment something awful had happened"
DH [Raises voice] "Well it just sounds like you came down to have a go at me"*

It sounds like there's a bigger picture of your DH not really showing care. I don't know if I would have expected my DH to hug me and be overly comforting in this sort of situation. If this is how your conversation with him went, I think it's odd that he shut you down by saying you were having a go at him and blaming you for not shouting louder. I think a caring partner wouldn't have turned the situation around to make it about him and his feelings.

The opening post explains it though.
He didn't come when she called. He's "gone on the defensive" so clearly Op has criticised him.
It's hard to be empathetic when you are being criticised but also when the issue has already been (very) easily resolved.
Pretty sure if Op had just come downstairs shaken her DH would have asked what's wrong or she could explain her fright without blaming DH for not helping.

Woven cotton can strangle though.

Yes naughty. But also imaginative. He's 4. He doesn't understand or always recall safety advice i give him.

My son went through a phase with this as he likened it to a sleeping bag like in camping.

Also, what PPs (and your DH) appear to have an empathy bypass about is that it’s a terrible shock to check on your child, expect to find them tucked up in bed as usual, then find them wrapped up like a mummy.

Whatever the potential risk, it’s the shock of finding a child like that. And the immediate fear your mind leaps to, i.e. are they breathing.

It’s like witnessing someone nearly being hit by a car or finding someone who’s fallen. They may be fine, but you’ve still had a shock.

Naughty? FFS.

It’s not naughty. Kids experiment and play. It’s a learning opportunity.

Honestly OP, I would leave this thread to rumble on with the pile-on. It's a waste of your time to keep reiterating your point. People don't want to understand you, they want to have a go. And those who have already misfired and jumped in with both feet will want to defend their lack of comprehension by doubling down.

Think about starting a thread in relationships instead, talking about your dh's propensity to go on the defensive and adopt the role of victim. You'll get better responses than you have had here.

You got a fright and that’s ok, probably a lot of us have had moments like that with our kids. Having said that I would imagine it only took two seconds to realise he is fine. I’d have a deep breath, phew he’s ok and then composed myself. I’d have then gone downstairs and said crikey 4 yr old gave me the fright of my life for a few seconds. I’d probably also have said to dh can you come up in future if I call you as it could be something urgent or worrying otherwise I wouldn’t be calling you in the first place. I probably would decide not to put a duvet cover on for a while just to have peace of mind for a while.

Your dh should have given you a reassuring cuddle though when he saw how upset you were as it costs nothing but can mean a lot.

OP I absolutely feel your frustration - I've had very similar fall outs. It doesn't really matter if the danger was real or imaginary (although it could well have been real!). The point is that in that moment you were very worried. But you didn't get the help you need. And instead of actually seeing if his was kid was OK, and then whether you were ok, he chose to focus on his feelings and how it all affected him. This is possibly a lack of emotional intelligence on his part, at worst slightly narcissistic behaviour - but hopefully it was a one-off and just down to misunderstanding.

I think a few posters here have been very unkind. I don't think you're unreasonable to feel this way.

The OP has said clearly she didn’t criticise him. My DH is like this to the extreme. Will think I’m criticising him when I’m not and respond angrily. Her DH is a twat IMHO.

Excellent advice.

UPDATE:

DS says he was playing "camouflage" and had deliberately taken the duvet out of the cover and wrapped himself in all his sheets including his face. which is why he'd wrapped sheets around him so tight and wriggling in his sleep had made them tighter. I've had a chat with him to explain the dangers. He seems to understand.
I still stand by my initial shock. Its natural and shock doesn't always end once you become aware the danger has passed - I'd hoped for more empathy from DH than I got at the time He could have choked or suffocated in the mess he'd got himself in. Glad I found him in time.

I've had a hug from DH. It took a lot of explaining for him to realise that I wasn't having a go and just wanted some love. I feel like he has checked out a bit and isn't giving me much at the moment.

I take the point about posting in the wrong place. I don't really know my way round MN.

My DS did this when he was younger - I don't think he was quite as tangled up as you describe your DS to be tho. It is deeply upsetting to find your child in a potentially dangerous situation and I am glad it is all ok.
There are 2 issues here - 1 is you being deeply shaken by what your DS did and the other is lack of concern by your DH. Perhaps talk to your DH when everyone is calmer to explain why you were so upset. Hopefully he will understand your point of view.

Tbh if you are concerned about strangulation you shouldn't be giving him safety 'advice' you should be sternly giving him RULES.
You don't say 'oh it's not the best idea to do that with your duvet it's not safe' - that's too wishy washy. You say 'you Must NOT undo your duvet cover' and not in a nice sing songy voice in a firm tone that's black and white.
His bed is for sleeping not mucking around this is not the time for creativity

I don't think it described how I delivered the advice. We have rules but kids break them.

I could hail it from a loud speaker in my best school marm voice and a 4 year old would still forget the rules sometimes as soon as something looked fun to do.

Do you have children?

Sounds like you had a real fright, and that’s completely understandable. But a real fright over a non issue does make you look dramatic and the self absorbed one to others which is why there’s a lack of sympathy from posters and probably your DH too.

It was a non issue that happened last night, best put it behind and move on.

You would have;

heard your partner shout you and ignored it?
seen they were upset and offered no empathy?
assumed they were being critical and rather than asking, get angry?

He should have gone up to check everything was ok.
He should have offered empathy.
He should have apologised for not coming up.

Glad you have spoken with your child, I was going to suggest maybe you could check in on your child sooner in the evening, 20 mins or so after bedtime, to check they have settled as it did sound like they were playing a game by the fact your said their slippers were in the covers.

I would also suggest your husband didn't really react as he didn't see the situation or understand your panic. If I was worried my child had strangled themselves I would be trying to shake them away and screaming for help, not just shouting my husbands name. I am not sure whether you did try waking your child or whether you had realised he was fine and you simply untangled the sheets after the initial second or so of panic, in which case there was no issue.
I think I would have gone downstairs differently, and made a comment about myself overreacting and panicking child was strangled when I then realised then must have been playing. I think going down and basically saying 'where were you' is looking for a fight. So I can see why your husband thought you were having a go rather than focusing on your concern over the child. It could have been something you laughed about together 'child gave me such a fright', 'well that's good it wasn't anything serious and they just have been playing. Kids hey'

Witnessing something where you think someone might die, might have died or might be seriously injured is a traumatic event.

I didn't want to joke about it. It wasn't funny.