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Original poster

DP unsupportive after surgery

142 replies

Francoishardup · 08/02/2025 21:35

I had an operation last week and my DP of five years (we live close but in our own places) insisted he take care of everything and come with me to stay near the hospital the night before etc.

He was late arriving, we missed our train so I was late for the pre op bloods, then he wanted to go out for dinner and we argued.

i had the op, he couldn’t pick me up so a friend brought me home and my DP came for a couple of hours but when I asked him to stay, said he had a cold and left. I was OK and didn’t think it mattered. Same the next night, except I fainted when I was alone and the next day I was upset that he hadn’t just let any of the many family and friends who’d offered to stay look after me. It was a shocking argument, he’s usually quite nice although he’s got form for being difficult once or twice a year.

But this is not good, is it? I think it is reasonable to think if someone insists on looking after you they should follow through. I’m in quite heavy medication so I just want to check in being reasonable that this isn’t acceptable

OP posts:
Quiinkong · 08/02/2025 21:50

Wtf, this is some massive BS and I'd absolutely dump him.

Shetlands · 08/02/2025 21:55

Well now you know for sure that he over promises and under delivers so he can't be relied upon to do anything important. He's wrapped up in his own importance isn't he! It sounds like you're too far down his list of priorities to be worthy of the title 'partner'.

Jinglehop · 08/02/2025 21:58

Not over reacting. As someone says above, this is definitely a dumping offence. You should be with someone who cares for you all the time especially when you are vulnerable. Anything less is unacceptable.

Pigeonqueen · 08/02/2025 22:01

He sounds utterly awful.

susiedaisy1912 · 08/02/2025 22:03

He has shown you exactly what he thinks of you deep down.

Merryoldgoat · 08/02/2025 22:10

I had an operation when I was with my now DH 5 months.

He took 2 weeks off to look after me. He made be food, administered medication, went to the shops and did nice things for me.

He was 24. A 24 year old who knew me less than 6 months did more for me than your partner of years.

He’s not worth another day of your time.

TomatoSandwiches · 08/02/2025 22:16

He's shown you his so it's only fair to show him the door op, that is a shocking display of disrespect.

BlondeFool · 08/02/2025 22:18

Francoishardup · 08/02/2025 21:35

I had an operation last week and my DP of five years (we live close but in our own places) insisted he take care of everything and come with me to stay near the hospital the night before etc.

He was late arriving, we missed our train so I was late for the pre op bloods, then he wanted to go out for dinner and we argued.

i had the op, he couldn’t pick me up so a friend brought me home and my DP came for a couple of hours but when I asked him to stay, said he had a cold and left. I was OK and didn’t think it mattered. Same the next night, except I fainted when I was alone and the next day I was upset that he hadn’t just let any of the many family and friends who’d offered to stay look after me. It was a shocking argument, he’s usually quite nice although he’s got form for being difficult once or twice a year.

But this is not good, is it? I think it is reasonable to think if someone insists on looking after you they should follow through. I’m in quite heavy medication so I just want to check in being reasonable that this isn’t acceptable

When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

Dump him. He's selfish and flaky.

CheeseyOnionPie · 08/02/2025 22:35

Dump him. When push came to shove and you needed to rely on him he massively let you down. If he insisted on taking care of you then not following through is a really cruel thing to do. What’s the point of having a partner when you’re left to fend for yourself after surgery??! Outrageous behaviour.

DorothyStorm · 08/02/2025 22:47

I think this is awful. You needed looking after, he didnt need to offer, you had other people to do it but he insisted and then left you vulnerable. That is cruel.

Normallynumb · 08/02/2025 23:06

He let you down terribly when he'd promised to support you
You should have been uppermost in his mind.
He has no empathy or love and care for you, and for me, it would be the end.
You can see the true colours when someone needs to step up for the other.
I am sorry. I hope you've got your relatives around you for support now

Original poster
Francoishardup · 09/02/2025 01:21

Thank you all, I really started to think I was asking too much.

One of the most hurtful things he said was that I was really enjoying the attention of people offering to help me and that I was like a queen with her subjects.

he really is a knob isn’t he?

I’m much less woozy now and quite cross.

I also think he read my diary when I was in hospital because he referred to something I hadn’t mentioned to anyone. It was while he was yelling about everything else and it wasn’t til afterwards it registered.

i don’t deserve this. My upbringing was quite difficult and usually I think things are my fault or that I asked for it but it hit me reading all your unanimous answers how much I’d been fooling myself that this was a healthy relationship.

thabk you.

OP posts:
PullTheBricksDown · 09/02/2025 01:27

Wow, so he's been yelling at you, and thinking you're 'enjoying the attention' of people helping you when you're ill? Bin him. And if that starts to seem excessive, you described him as 'he’s usually quite nice although he’s got form for being difficult once or twice a year.' That is not a description of someone who makes you feel loved and cherished. My next door neighbour is 'quite nice..'. You deserve better. Get well soon and kick him to the kerb.

Original poster
Francoishardup · 09/02/2025 01:34

Yes, it’s an odd thing to be yelling isn’t it? And I am very independent so it’s also completely wrong.

Im very grateful for my lovely neighbours, we all look after each other when needed (lots of meals on heels 😂)

but that was a strange thing to shout about.

Youre right, putting up with this crap a few times a year just isn’t right.

OP posts:
WearyAuldWumman · 09/02/2025 01:40

Francoishardup · 09/02/2025 01:21

Thank you all, I really started to think I was asking too much.

One of the most hurtful things he said was that I was really enjoying the attention of people offering to help me and that I was like a queen with her subjects.

he really is a knob isn’t he?

I’m much less woozy now and quite cross.

I also think he read my diary when I was in hospital because he referred to something I hadn’t mentioned to anyone. It was while he was yelling about everything else and it wasn’t til afterwards it registered.

i don’t deserve this. My upbringing was quite difficult and usually I think things are my fault or that I asked for it but it hit me reading all your unanimous answers how much I’d been fooling myself that this was a healthy relationship.

thabk you.

He's no good.

My late husband had a stroke, leaving him disabled. I had to have a day procedure - a shoulder decompression.

I got home. DH told me to sit down and left the living room. Thought he'd gone to the loo. He came back with a cup of tea for me.

The man had had to learn to walk again and limped. He had one arm that didn't work. His first thought was to look after me.

Your man is an ass.

aei22 · 09/02/2025 02:21

Dump. No question.

HereNext · 09/02/2025 02:29

Yikes, what a nasty thing to do - and the things he said were unforgivable.

After a major op, my DH couldn't do enough to look after me.

Dump him!

WearyAuldWumman · 09/02/2025 02:48

Francoishardup · 09/02/2025 01:34

Yes, it’s an odd thing to be yelling isn’t it? And I am very independent so it’s also completely wrong.

Im very grateful for my lovely neighbours, we all look after each other when needed (lots of meals on heels 😂)

but that was a strange thing to shout about.

Youre right, putting up with this crap a few times a year just isn’t right.

You deserve someone who appreciates you.

Happyinarcon · 09/02/2025 02:53

Please make sure you do leave him. Imagine how miserable he would make you if you were home from hospital with a child

Mummyoflittledragon · 09/02/2025 02:56

No this isn’t healthy at all. For starters, you are not supposed to be left alone for 24 hours after surgery. I would end things with him. If you’re looking for a supportive life partner, he isn’t it.

Original poster
Francoishardup · 09/02/2025 03:58

WearyAuldWumman · 09/02/2025 01:40

He's no good.

My late husband had a stroke, leaving him disabled. I had to have a day procedure - a shoulder decompression.

I got home. DH told me to sit down and left the living room. Thought he'd gone to the loo. He came back with a cup of tea for me.

The man had had to learn to walk again and limped. He had one arm that didn't work. His first thought was to look after me.

Your man is an ass.

Show quote history

That brought a lump to my throat. What a beautiful story.

Its scary that I was actually even questioning my sanity over this

OP posts:
Original poster
Francoishardup · 09/02/2025 04:03

Happyinarcon · 09/02/2025 02:53

Please make sure you do leave him. Imagine how miserable he would make you if you were home from hospital with a child

Thank you. And luckily I am far too old for that to be a possibility.

But you’re making me think. I had three C-sections a million years ago, and the father of my children did everything each time until I was back on my hind legs.

in fact, despite being divorced for almost a decade, he was one of the people who offered practical support.

I really need to think about why I’ve put up with this shite for five years.

OP posts:
WiddlinDiddlin · 09/02/2025 06:10

Ohhhhh ew...

At first I thought that he was wanting hero status, all the praise for being lovely and looking after you.. but then found he couldn't actually be arsed. That would be bad enough..

But actually it looks like he couldn't even give a shit about that, or you - what he wanted to do, and succeeded in doing... was stopping you from being looked after by anyone else, at all. Ensuring you got no care or attention from any of the people you loved.

Run like hell. Thats one fuck of a red flag.

Thelionthewitchandthesofa · 09/02/2025 06:18

Shetlands · 08/02/2025 21:55

Well now you know for sure that he over promises and under delivers so he can't be relied upon to do anything important. He's wrapped up in his own importance isn't he! It sounds like you're too far down his list of priorities to be worthy of the title 'partner'.

This ^.

Frozenbees · 09/02/2025 06:23

Why tf is he shouting at you when you've just had surgery? 🤨 theres nothing about this tale that says love or respect to me OP