DP unsupportive after surgery

[Francoishardup]

I had an operation last week and my DP of five years (we live close but in our own places) insisted he take care of everything and come with me to stay near the hospital the night before etc.

He was late arriving, we missed our train so I was late for the pre op bloods, then he wanted to go out for dinner and we argued.

i had the op, he couldn’t pick me up so a friend brought me home and my DP came for a couple of hours but when I asked him to stay, said he had a cold and left. I was OK and didn’t think it mattered. Same the next night, except I fainted when I was alone and the next day I was upset that he hadn’t just let any of the many family and friends who’d offered to stay look after me. It was a shocking argument, he’s usually quite nice although he’s got form for being difficult once or twice a year.

But this is not good, is it? I think it is reasonable to think if someone insists on looking after you they should follow through. I’m in quite heavy medication so I just want to check in being reasonable that this isn’t acceptable

Glad you have support from a neighbour and hope you can pull in other support from friends.

Better now than later to lose this deadweight that you don’t need on recovery.

I’m recovering from three operations and going through chemo. I couldn’t do it without my dh (who is nearly 70 and I should be looking after him!). It’s brought us closer than ever.

take care and wishing you well with your recovery.

OP you sound really lovely. Please allow your neighbours and friends/family to help you. Don’t allow this vile man back into your home, you deserve so much better.

Please also don’t try to hide his behaviour from anyone, it’s nothing for you to be ashamed of or embarrassed about, only him.

Look after yourself!

I also think he read my diary when I was in hospital because he referred to something I hadn’t mentioned to anyone. It was while he was yelling about everything else and it wasn’t til afterwards it registered.

That's appalling. I hope your next diary entry is going to be 'kicked arsehole partner out of my life' and that you send him a copy.

Sending you healing vibes, @Francoishardup and agreeing with all the comments above - my own DP automatically did everything for me without any need to ask or discuss when I had an operation. And then I happened to see this float across my social media feed and it really brought it home to me:

(In case the pic doesn’t post it reads as follows)

Fragility is a strange place to visit. While you’re there, true love carries your bags, puts clean sheets on the bed and makes you tea. The other kind of love waves you off and says ‘text me when you’re back.’

This. Every word xx

To add to this, 19 years later we’re married with two disabled children.

He is still the same caring person he was then. I’ve had a cold this week and he’s made me soup. He’s bought me wine gums (my favourite sweet). He’s got up with the kids. He’s done school runs.

He looked after me after two complicated births, shared nighttime’s, split housework etc.

All of his kindness and thoughtfulness was evident in the first months of our relationship. Our marriage isn’t perfect, but it’s good and safe and full of love.

Hi op, it could also be that he's insecure and was jealous of all the help you were offered as it reinforced to him what a what a valued and loved person you are external of your relationship. I had surgery in December and my now ex had a funny look on his face as I was sat responding to voice notes etc from caring and concerned friends and family, he ended up being quite snipey then shouting at me when I called him out, shouted so loud my neighbour turned the tv up to cover the noise! I had just come out of hospital that day he was meant to be looking after me. It's terrible your DP has behaved as he had, is he normally jealous/insecure/self-centred? Yelling at someone who has just had surgery is in no way acceptable. Sorry you are going through this.

I bet when you look back all the smaller red flags are there 🙁 You cannot let this awful excuse for a man back into your home again.

OP, I am sorry you had to go through all this. You are stronger now for realising what he is and can take steps to protect yourself.

Get your friends round, anyone who offered to stay, get them round. You can easily say you were so off your face on the meds you weren't thinking straight and now realise you need the help.

If you can confide in someone in real life, you may feel better for sharing. If that's too difficult, you have us. Stay safe, get well then get rid x

That’s beautiful. I’m so happy for you that you have this. It’s good to know that exists. Lovely

That’s really interesting. I remember someone saying to me in the last six months or so that people are far more base than we realise and most bad behaviour is because of fear or jealousy or something not very noble.

i think this could be true. He’s often saying to me how many people like us as a couple, something I just don’t think about. Not that I’m arrogant, I just try and get on with everyone and leave them to make their own minds up.

He was watching tv downstairs and two different sets of people came to drop food/books and both times he said he hadn’t heard the door and so I had to answer it. The argument started because he said I was trying to make him look bad.

And while I’m in the confessional, he actually ate all the food one neighbour brought. I was surprised at the time but now I’m furious.

@sunscomingout how did you end things? Were you back to full throttle or did you do it from your pillows?

im scared ill lose my nerve. He’s texting me hearts and little messages of concern after 24 hours of frost.

I am far far far too old for this nonsense

I opened this thread thinking from the title that it would be about a man being thoughtless.

But this is actually sinister.

He is no good .

I got hit by a car walking to work and ended up walking home due to the driver killing my phone and refusing to call the police ( another story).

Boyfriend just about to leave for work - called in said he wouldn't be in , the called police for me booked them in,called work and family , took me to minor injuries, then home and stayed until my daughter came home from work .

This is normal - your boyfriend is acting like a 3 year old upset all the attention isn't on him

Agree

I am so so so glad you started this thread OP.

I hope you can reach out to some people for help today.

Oh @Francoishardup your posts have made me well up for you. You sound lovely and you need care right now - not this horrific selfish and useless man making you feel heartbroken and neglected.

Every single one of those love heart emojis means absolutely fuck all. There was more hate than love in his actions when you needed him the most.

Text and say the relationship has come to its end because of how he’s treated you. And to not contact you further or you’ll consider it harassment.

JFC OP, what a sinister situation!

Keep him at arms length until you are on the mend, then finish it.

Yeah, he's jealous that people actually like you and is using your vulnerability following your surgery to take you down a peg or two. The fact that he ate the food a neighbour brought round for you would be the final straw.

Ignore the hearts and messages of concern. He has shown his true colours and they aren't pretty. He is not a kind or safe presence in your life so you need to end the relationship safely.

He’s behaviour is shocking op. Glad you have lots of other lovely supportive people around you. Best wishes for your recovery x

I tried to ask him to go home after he shouted so loud at me even though had just had surgery and GA and needed someone there 24hrs after but he wasn't having it and stayed. He acted nice after but it's all come to a head last week he blew up because I asked for help from my ex (kids dad) for something involving my kids and he was texting me loads of ultimatums saying never ask him for help again bear in my mind he didn't live with me and couldn't help himself as working away. It was literally to help catch a loose mouse as kids needed to come home and have tea, it was in the dining room. Anyway he escalated over 24hrs on text and tried to force me to agree to some ridiculous things, I said I'd only talk on the phone so he sent me a nasty you're dumped type text which l left unread then he blocked me! Sounds like your guy maybe has some insecurities, he must have heard people at the door, has he shouted much before or shown himself to be verbally abusive? A good person would be happy and in awe to see how loved and respected their partner is by others, it was also dangerous of him to leave you post GA.

I’ve sent him a text saying please stay away.

It feels a bit scary because I thought he was my soulmate and I’m quite a romantic.

And then I’m looking at the dressing and it’s not romantic. I need to get to the GP for follow up tests so I’ll get them to redo the dressing then.

What lovely people you all are.

its also humiliating because people say oh he’s mad about you, he adores you etc and now I’m going to feel silly and foolish,

I shall get stuck into a good book and turn off my phone.

@sunscomingout goodness, over a mouse. I hope you caught the bugger.

Your post is resonating. He gets irrational about things then calms down and I’m left wondering did that happen. I work in a creative industry and he’s often saying oh you’re off again, you imagined that. But I know I didn’t.

yes, he shouts quite unpleasant and untrue stuff but I put it down to other things and often blame myself.

And now I’m pretty pissed off he just left me when I asked him to stay. That was dangerous, especially when I was faint.

His heart texts are because he knows he’s a shitty person and he doesn’t want you to dump him. He’s got everything going his way.

A parasite needs its host, right?

Call upon your friends for help. They will care for you and will be so happy to be there for you.

Also you can call your gp surgery and they can send the district nurse to attend to your dressing if needed.

Well done for being strong! I hope you get lots of peace as you recover, with the people who care about you looking after you if you need it.

"its also humiliating because people say oh he’s mad about you, he adores you etc and now I’m going to feel silly and foolish,"

Well that's the image he's carefully created with people isn't it. You might think about telling people the other side of him they don't see eg his recent neglectful and unkind behaviour, eating the food your neighbour brought for you etc. They'll soon realise you're better off without him and nobody will think you're silly and foolish (they might if you stay with him though!). Take care 💐

Dump him. He's a self-centred arse.

You deserve so much better than this.