DP unsupportive after surgery

[Francoishardup]

I had an operation last week and my DP of five years (we live close but in our own places) insisted he take care of everything and come with me to stay near the hospital the night before etc.

He was late arriving, we missed our train so I was late for the pre op bloods, then he wanted to go out for dinner and we argued.

i had the op, he couldn’t pick me up so a friend brought me home and my DP came for a couple of hours but when I asked him to stay, said he had a cold and left. I was OK and didn’t think it mattered. Same the next night, except I fainted when I was alone and the next day I was upset that he hadn’t just let any of the many family and friends who’d offered to stay look after me. It was a shocking argument, he’s usually quite nice although he’s got form for being difficult once or twice a year.

But this is not good, is it? I think it is reasonable to think if someone insists on looking after you they should follow through. I’m in quite heavy medication so I just want to check in being reasonable that this isn’t acceptable

its also humiliating because people say oh he’s mad about you, he adores you etc and now I’m going to feel silly and foolish,

You are not silly or foolish. If you dump him (I think you should and hope you do) and anyone tries to tell you how marvellous he is then just remind them firmly that they don't see what goes on behind closed doors. You cop the full brunt of that.

I wish you well in your recovery op. I'm glad you've realised who he is. Please don't feel ashamed , he's the one that's behaved badly , not you.

I'm not sure if you've mentioned him having a key to your place? Please be careful and stay safe.

Op I'll tell you a tale....

I had major abdominal surgery when my kids were 6, 2 and a baby (around 9 months old). I spent about 3 or 4 days recovering at my parents house along with the kids (because I knew my partner wouldn't cope) then I went home. My dad brought my heavy bag of clothes/toiletries etc and put it in the hallway, I asked my partner if he could take it upstairs for me, he started shouting and asking why I thought he was my slave and he stomped off upstairs (without the bag) leaving me with a 2 year old and a baby, neither of which I could lift.

He did eventually come and take them to bed, but the next day he still refused to take my bag upstairs and then rang his mother and started moaning down the phone at her about how I'd come home and made the place a mess (even citing that I had left my bag in the hallway for 2 days!) and was demanding he tidied it. Bearing in mind we had 3 young children whom I couldn't tidy up after. So I rang my parents and we stayed with them until I had recovered. I should have left him then, god knows why I didn't because this was just the tip of the iceberg of his shitty abusive behaviour. But I went back to him because he made promises to change and was very apologetic. About 6 months later he tried to kill me. He's now in prison for 15 years.

Anyway, I'm not saying your partner is going to turn in to an attempted murderer but this sort of thing is a major red flag for abuse. You are in a good situation in that you don't live together or have children together so it should be a clean break, please do it for your own sake.

its also humiliating because people say oh he’s mad about you, he adores you etc and now I’m going to feel silly and foolish

Get practising

’no he didn’t - he was mean and nasty to me in private’

Do not hide his abuse or protect him. It’s not your shame - it’s his.

You are not being silly or foolish to let someone keep using you as a prop for their own ego. Quite the opposite.

Not a glamorous or dramatic story but my husband once tried to cut back and remove an ingrowing toenail of mine that was really painful to me and quite manky - it ended up having to be removed by a doctor under local anaesthetic. He's a long way from a perfect partner, as am I, but that is what you're looking for in a partner. Someone who will pitch in and help with unpleasant medical stuff because they care and it's not all about them.

Don't let him come back round to hurt and upset you. Contact one or more of the people who offered before and ask them to pop in. I bet they'd be glad to and will understand.

This is one of those men that would leave his wife if she had breast cancer

Yes. This makes sense. The more I read of everyone’s replies the clearer it is that I’ve really been avoiding this cold truth for some time.

Our community is quite close knit and we share many friends. I realise how much our arguments centre on what they think of us/him and how much I don’t give a monkeys what people think about our relationship.

Having said that, it will be uncomfortable admitting how bad things are between us.

Yes. This is very important for me to remember.

I am not my mother 😂

Bloody hell. We put up with some utter bollocks don’t we? That’s a shocking take and I hope that your life is safe now with your beautiful children and you have moved on. How very frightening, you are a brave woman ❤

The toenail is a lovely tale. What a gentleman.

A neighbour is coming to take me out for a cup of tea and a drive later. They’re bound to ask. I’m scared I’ll cry but I think I have to at least come clean about him not staying with me. I can’t cover him for that

Listen, he's proved himself to be a cunt. Imagine him in your labour room? Hmm? No, I cant either.
Dump, and run

Bloody hell, that made my blood run cold. He's a scary, devious man, there's something deeply not right about him.
You on the other hand sound lovely. You have nothing to be ashamed of. People project their own selves onto other, as you are decent you assumed he was too.

I hope you heal quickly.

Please please, tell your friends.

Step one in the abusers play-book is to either isolate people from friends or create a perfect image so that the victim will struggle to or feel silly or humilated by speaking the truth.

So start with 1 friend, start with the neighbour - tell them, he's not staying with you and caring for you despite what he's said. He's actually being very cruel and unpleasant and you're ending the relationship. No he doesn't adore you, he's just good at pretending in front of others.

The more you speak, the easier it gets, the less power he has over you.

You need to dump him.

Immediately, no warnings or second chances.

Get out before you’re tied in by living with him or worse having children.

It sounds like he saw how much everyone wanted to help you and deliberately stepped in in order to put you in your place and make sure you didn’t get looked after 🤬

It sounds like he saw how much everyone wanted to help you and deliberately stepped in in order to put you in your place and make sure you didn’t get looked after

Exactly this. He's not on your team, he doesn't think you deserve any care or respect

I was going to quote this study- but I think it's gone far beyond a support animal/domestic servant malfunctioning situation- https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2009/11/091110105401.htm

You are placing more importance on what random people may think than what you are experiencing and what you feel. Why is this? Should you stay with an abusive man forever in case others think you've been silly (you're not) or that he's an unpleasant, immature man (he is).

The wound thing and making you bleeed is horrifying, and it won’t have been an accident op.

I hope now you’ve done more than tell him to stay away but that it is over. The block him,

I agree, the wound thing was a test to see if you'd realise it was intentional, see how much you'd object. This is how some abusers function... a little physical punishment here and there, see how that goes down and gradually escalating.

In this instance I suspect he's punishing you for being unwell, being 'needy' (as in needing care not as in 'being dramatically and unreasonably needy')... and for the attention and care this generated amongst your friends/family.

You owe him nothing.

Tell some friends you're ending it. Have someone with you, text him 'our relationship is over, please don't contact me again'. If there is any stuff of his at yours then arrange to drop it with someone else perhaps.

OP Your posts are making me well up
You sound so kind and helpful has exploited that.
Don't feel ashamed or embarrassed to tell those who you feel comfortable with
Your local community sound very caring and I'm sure they will support you when they know.
Get your wound looked at to check his hand hasn't disturbed the healing.

He has

Yes, I think I have been. I mentioned my upbringing was challenging and that’s clearly contributed. I think sometimes I just deserve things.

This though I really don’t. But the fact it’s taken 24 hours and the kindest of strangers suggests there’s still work to do.

I have adult children. So I’ve dodged that bullet

Sounds like he's jealous of you getting all the attention, your first line when you mentioned he made you late for the train, is typical narcissistic behaviour. Does he sabotage any event (good or bad) where you would be getting the attention?

He’s sent a few replies worrying how I am then when I just repeated to leave me alone he said it was my fault and if I’d really needed someone to look after me I should have gone there as he needed to preserve his strength.

That made me quite cross.

I’ve blocked him now. I feel a bit shaky, like something I believed in has just disappeared.

If I hadn’t posted here, he’d no doubt be carrying on as usual and I’d have apologised for causing a fuss.

it will be a day at a time. I’m feeling quite out of it and it’s been a shock.

My neighbours didn’t mention him once. That was kind of odd as they know him and always ask after him in a small talk way but in the whole afternoon he never once came up.

Maybe the fact I was on my own spoke volumes enough.

I think I need to sleep now.

Thank you thank you my lovely new friends, for helping me see what was under my nose.

Well done OP. You have it recorded here to look back on and know that you were right at every step and he let you down badly.
I hope you get some decent sleep.