DP unsupportive after surgery

[Francoishardup]

I had an operation last week and my DP of five years (we live close but in our own places) insisted he take care of everything and come with me to stay near the hospital the night before etc.

He was late arriving, we missed our train so I was late for the pre op bloods, then he wanted to go out for dinner and we argued.

i had the op, he couldn’t pick me up so a friend brought me home and my DP came for a couple of hours but when I asked him to stay, said he had a cold and left. I was OK and didn’t think it mattered. Same the next night, except I fainted when I was alone and the next day I was upset that he hadn’t just let any of the many family and friends who’d offered to stay look after me. It was a shocking argument, he’s usually quite nice although he’s got form for being difficult once or twice a year.

But this is not good, is it? I think it is reasonable to think if someone insists on looking after you they should follow through. I’m in quite heavy medication so I just want to check in being reasonable that this isn’t acceptable

Firstly, I hope you're on the mend and now have people looking after you. 🥰
To put his behaviour in perspective.
Last year, I had a medical emergency, middle of the night, rolling around in agony.
My EXDP (capitols to emphasise that he's my exdp) drove me to the hospital, in A&E my ex held a bowl whilst I vomited, he stayed with me when I was taken into a cubicle, he went home to sort out my ddog, bought me clothes etc from home, rang my work and collected me when I was discharged.
That's the level of care you deserve from your current partner.
Bin him off, you do deserve better.

Just to add, my ex did all that because he's a decent person.
Your dp shouts, isolates, & invades your privacy when you need him most.
Sooo wrong

Isn’t it? A container-ship-sized one.

Yes, I thought that it was just a big ego thing, and that he was irritated how many people called or sent food/flowers and he wanted everyone to know that he was doing the caring. By himself.

Both nights when I asked him to stay, suddenly the door was shutting and I wasn’t sure what had happened.

i think because I’m not used to any meds they made me so woozy I wasn’t sure what was real.

Thanks to all of you who’ve helped me to
see straight.

And the thing I was most shocked by, so upset that I didn’t even write it was that when I was crying he came to comfort me and his hand went onto my wound ahd I thought I was going to faint again from the pain. I asked him to leave and he said it hadn’t happened but then we both saw blood start to seep out of the dressing and he said it was an accident and my fault for moving when he was trying to comfort me.

@Francoishardup
Bloody hell, your update sent a shiver up my spine, he actually put his hand on your wound.
Personally, I wouldn't dump him until you're back on your feet or at least change the locks.
You are far too vulnerable.
I'm actually shocked at your update.

"when I was crying he came to comfort me and his hand went onto my wound ahd I thought I was going to faint again from the pain. I asked him to leave and he said it hadn’t happened but then we both saw blood start to seep out of the dressing and he said it was an accident and my fault for moving when he was trying to comfort me."

WTF is he doing touching the wound area? He could interfere with the healing process and put you at risk of infection.

I hope that the District Nurse is due to visit later today as you need the wound checking?

I can't work out if he is clumsy, stupid or some kind of a sadist, or all of those.

Blaming you for his actions is just plain nasty.

Please get rid of him today.

I didn’t want admit that it had happened and was telling myself I’d imagined it and or it was an accident.

I can barely admit it to myself, it’s so shameful.

"I can barely admit it to myself, it’s so shameful."

No - his bad behaviour isn't a reflection on you. You didn't cause it and you aren't responsible for it.

I'm sorry you are in this situation x

Presumably this is why marriage vows say "in sickness and in health" because since time began people that have seemed perfectly nice and caring have ran for the hills when their other half are unwell. I think they sometimes even have good intentions themselves to help but when it comes to it they don't have it in them.

@Francoishardup
I completely understand.
Isn't this an example of how abusers operate?
He hurts you and you're too ashamed to tell anyone.
It makes me wonder how many people IRL you've told about his shouting, reading your diary, complete lack of care, I would imagine you've not told anyone?
Well, you have now, you've told us.
Now you have the MN nest of vipers standing behind you.
I have no practical advice except do what you need to stay safe until you've recovered then dump him.
It's 06:55 on a Sunday morning and there's a stranger (me) in York who's absolutely on your side and rooting for you ❤️

It’s not shameful. He’s a cunt. Dump him.

It is his shame not yours. He is absolutely awful. Can you get one of the people who offered to help round to change your locks and another to help you physically?

Don't let him in your house again op, he sounds potentially dangerous.

Some people are really funny with people being ill or needing attention, some people are irredeemable arseholes - and some people like him are both.

Cut him dead op. Luckily you don't live together, you never have to see him again. He did this on purpose, you deserve so much better. Get someone round for company and support, to change the locks and to make you a few cuppas.

I'm so sorry OP, what an absolute tosser 😠 I hope you've got other people popping in and looking after you and district nurse coming to clean and redress the wound. You definitely need to end the relationship and keep him away from you, he sounds so awful and let you down badly when you were vulnerable and needed his help. That's unforgivable. And yelling at you etc makes it even worse. Get him out of your life and look after yourself lovely 💐

Of course I’ve told no one. It was bad enough admitting it to myself. And I’m very private indeed IRL. But I made myself write it down and in a few short hours you’ve all shown such kindness and understanding. I think I lost sight of what was acceptable because I was dazzled by his intellect and charm.

I’ve turned into exactly the sort of person I always warned my daughters not to become.

my mother covered up my fathers alcoholism for decades and I guess that goes so much deeper in me than I knew.

the vipers! Even one would be lovely, but a whole nest. That’s made my week.

Shameful for him. I had an abusive family member who did things like that and it was so hard to act on it because you think, my god, that is such an awful thing to do that it must have been by accident... but in your heart you know it wasn't, and then something else happens, and something else, and before you know it it's just normal, and whether you dump them out of your life the first time or wait for more evidence and dump them after the 10th time, it still manages to feel somehow like you're in the wrong for sort of breaking the 4th wall and saying the unsayable which is that this person is deliberately trying to hurt you. I would recommend saying it in a public place or from a distance by the way - if he does this when he's still trying to persuade you that you have a relationship, what will he be like once the gloves are off?

I want to thank all of you wonderful vipers for helping me see the reality, however unpleasant, of this sorry situation.

I have a neighbour coming after lunch today, I will tell her I need some help.

I would like to buy every single one of you a huge bunch of flowers 🌺

I think he's jealous of all the people who did offer help. He's jealous so many people care about you that he prevented them by volunteering to do it all, it was a way to block everyone else's offers of help but actually he had no intention of looking after you. Hence the comment about queen and subjects. As is him getting annoyed at people calling and sending flowers.

I agree, he's jealous, and resentful.

What a nasty piece of work.

I think PP is right, he made himself centre to look after you, to ensure you were not looked after. That was intended - he knew what he was doing.

He wants all the attention on him, and is punishing you.

Hope you have a good day and feel better soon, OP.

Oh God didn't even see the update about him hurting your wound. He's abusive, never let him come round again unless it's just to pick up his things and only when other people are there. Never see him alone. He's not safe to be around.

That’s awful. When I had a major surgery my ex partner (father of my DC) came to visit every day and when I came home after 3wks he visited every day, got the kids to school and cooked me some dinner. If an ex partner can do that, someone who claims to love you just left you alone when you’re supposed to be with someone for 24hrs at least. That’s disgusting.

He sounds horrendous. Does he have a key? If he refuses to hand it back, get the locks changed.

Thank goodness you own your own houses so you don't have to deal with the drama of that when you dump him.

Absolutely not how you look after a partner and I'm sorry he left you so alone and vulnerable

Yes he’s selfish and flaky - but also actively nasty. You don’t need to put up with this

I think that how someone treats you when you are your most vulnerable is really telling.
I think you know you have seen his true colours and to move on from the relationship.
Even though it will feel hard after 5 years, you are saving yourself heartache in the long run.