DP unsupportive after surgery

[Francoishardup]

I had an operation last week and my DP of five years (we live close but in our own places) insisted he take care of everything and come with me to stay near the hospital the night before etc.

He was late arriving, we missed our train so I was late for the pre op bloods, then he wanted to go out for dinner and we argued.

i had the op, he couldn’t pick me up so a friend brought me home and my DP came for a couple of hours but when I asked him to stay, said he had a cold and left. I was OK and didn’t think it mattered. Same the next night, except I fainted when I was alone and the next day I was upset that he hadn’t just let any of the many family and friends who’d offered to stay look after me. It was a shocking argument, he’s usually quite nice although he’s got form for being difficult once or twice a year.

But this is not good, is it? I think it is reasonable to think if someone insists on looking after you they should follow through. I’m in quite heavy medication so I just want to check in being reasonable that this isn’t acceptable

@myplace thank you for your concern. I don’t have anyone staying but my house is secure with neighbours within calling distance. I’ve had people here most of the day and they’ll be back in the morning. I’m chatting to family and I have started to tell people what’s been going on.

The doors are secure and the locksmith is booked.

what do you mean by ‘a thing?’ That doesn’t sound good.

Like, a penetration fetish. Someone posted here that after having a stoma, she was warned by nursing staff not to allow it. 🤢

I’m sorry, I know it sounds like I’m reaching, but what you said in that post just chilled me.

Never heard of that but he has definitely assaulted her.
I think she should tell her medical team.
No way that was an accident.
Dangerous man.

That would be pretty rare @myplace, whats much much more common is abusers 'testing the waters' with causing pain/physical abuse - seeing if the victim will ignore/tolerate/pretend it hasn't happened if the abuser causes them pain. So a squeeze on a sore area or wound, a shove here, a push there... things that can be re-written as accidental, to see what the response is.

That was, sadly, how it felt. I was so shocked and couldn’t speak for the pain and he said ‘what?’ like he genuinely didn’t know what I meant. I had to spell it out.

I’ve told my family and a close friend nearby. Nobody has expressed any surprise. And my family repeated a couple of concerns that my neighbours had shared when I was away last year.

it’s been a bit of a week alright.

I'm so glad that you've started telling people op. And that you've got support. You've taken a massive step and you should be very proud of yourself.

How are you feeling physically? Are you feeling safe at home also?

Thank you for your lovely kindness. I feel much better today; much less woozy as I’ve reduced the painkillers I need.

I do feel safe, yes. I’m surrounded by people and I’ve had several visitors and someone just dropped off supper. I’m blown away by how lovely people are.

it is a massive step and the fact it feels like lightness says I’ve probably been kidding myself for a while.

Sad for what might have been, but that was a mirage. Thank you 💞

Thank god that you have told people.
I bet they saw through him.

Don't be surprised if he starts pleading he is misunderstood.

I really think he covertly assaulted you.
He's a very dangerous man.
Tell the medical team so they know and make a note of it.
I'm so glad you have people around you keeping you safe.

Thank you. I have blocked him and I’m due to have my dressings changed in a couple of days so I’ll tell the team then. ❤️

Yes, when you posted before about how people around you thought he was lovely, I did think to myself 'I bet they don't but they've not said so openly in case it causes trouble'. In these situations, other people can pick up red flags that you yourself are missing, but are often reluctant to discuss them until they get a signal that you're not going to defend him. I imagine if you are ok with talking about this now, you'll be surprised to find people admitting they thought this already.

How are you feeling OP? I hope the dressing change went well and you are enjoying a peaceful recovery now.

@wateraddict aren’t you lovely? The nurse is coming tomorrow, I’ve been surrounded by kindness and I haven’t heard a peep from exDP, so that speaks volumes.
thank you so much for asking ❤

Wow he dropped you quickly. That's quite shocking but glad you're OK

Ditch him. I know a married couple who divorced over something similar

He knows OP has seen through him, that is why.
Keep telling people what an ugly dangerous man he was.
You are so lucky to be rid of him.
Wishing you the very best.

I am so glad you are doing so well OP! Onwards and upwards x

Covid was a real wake up call for a lot of women i have heard.