DP unsupportive after surgery

[Francoishardup]

I had an operation last week and my DP of five years (we live close but in our own places) insisted he take care of everything and come with me to stay near the hospital the night before etc.

He was late arriving, we missed our train so I was late for the pre op bloods, then he wanted to go out for dinner and we argued.

i had the op, he couldn’t pick me up so a friend brought me home and my DP came for a couple of hours but when I asked him to stay, said he had a cold and left. I was OK and didn’t think it mattered. Same the next night, except I fainted when I was alone and the next day I was upset that he hadn’t just let any of the many family and friends who’d offered to stay look after me. It was a shocking argument, he’s usually quite nice although he’s got form for being difficult once or twice a year.

But this is not good, is it? I think it is reasonable to think if someone insists on looking after you they should follow through. I’m in quite heavy medication so I just want to check in being reasonable that this isn’t acceptable

How true this report is. 30 years ago,my husband decided to leave me just as I was recovering from a major,very nasty illness. He'd been cheating on me the whole 5 months that I was ill. No wonder he hardly ever came to see me in hospital. 😢 Shortly after he'd walked out,my DM said to me 'So many men just can't cope with someone close to them being seriously ill'. How right she was.

And you're not supposed to be left on your own after a procedure.

This made me think long and hard last night.

Yes, I can think of a few too many things that have been spoiled by his performances.

And even more where I’ve placated him or covered up his glaring absence with fibs.

Fibs my arse. I’ve lied to people I love that he’s on a deadline/called away for work because I was embarrassed to say he wasn’t speaking to me

(Love your name @HaroldLeftEye )

that’s a terrible thing to have endured. I hope you’ve found happiness and peace since then 💕

@Nanny0gg yes. I kept saying that. And still feeling that I was asking too much.

My exdh was exactly like this (which was exactly why I asked you), he'd make me late for all sorts of things, the one that really sticks in my head was a court appearance. I had to testify and he kept me awake the night before with a stupid arguments that he simply wouldn't let go, so I was so exhausted the next day. He hated that I was in the limelight that he had to ruin me. It was going to be an awful experience for me anyway. But he had to make it worse by kicking off the night before and not speaking to me, or supporting me the next day. It was my light bulb moment.

The last time I used mumsnet, it was powered by steam. It took a lot of drugs a bit of effort to find the spine to post about this and I can’t tell you all what your messages and stories and support have meant.

I really thought IWBU.

A thousand bottles of champagne and a lie in from the school run to all of you who gave me the gifts of your time and kindness this weekend.

This post hit me hard.

I put it down every time to his sensitive character and told myself it was because he cared so much about our relationship that these constant arguments happened.

Always happening at times I’d flagged as important for me for whatever reasons.

They were monthly if not weekly. Interspersed every few months by something so huge it necessitated screaming matches that left me in shock at the terrible things he said.

And I still thought it was my fault and I should fix it.

Oh @Francoishardup, when the scales fall from your eyes, everything is so much clearer.

I'm glad you've got rid of him, and I hope your recovery goes well, with the help of your lovely friends and neighbours

Op well done. My abusive exdh was the same and it's because it was something that meant things weren't about him. I had surgery on my leg and he used to tell people it was the worst time ever. It was because he made 2 dinners, helped me with a shower once and then complained he was too tired whilst his mum and my mum came round to offer endless help. I had to call an ambulance when I got a bad infection and he said I was making a fuss.
Take up those offers from neighbours etc and healthy well.

Stay strong op as no doubt he will try to win you back over the next few days but any promises of changed behaviour will be hollow. Take time to recover from your op and then move on.

I think they just can't bear not be the centre of your world, that they have to make every, good or bad, experience about them. The only way they can do it is to create an argument so you end up feeling like it's your fault and then having to fawn over them when you should be looking after yourself.

I'm 15 years out of the relationship, and married to a wonderful man who would never in a million years not support me or put me first when needed.

You're doing brilliantly and look after you for a change.

What a revolting man. I think stories like this demonstrate clearly how some men view women. When their usual support human seems to be malfunctioning, they need to line up a replacement immediately. Just like I am straight on the internet in a panic ordering a new washing machine when mine breaks down.

I hope that you have gone on to thrive after the bastard left you.

Oh OP, what a terrifying read.
You have been in such an abusive controlling relationship.

He didn't want you helped by friends, insisted he did it, and left you.

He assaulted you at your wound spot.
Can you not see that this is a very dangerous man.

I think you should tell your GP the truth.
You are a victim of domestic abuse and assault.

I think he needs to be reported to 101.
That's how serious this is.

Abuse continues because of secrecy.
You have hidden and protected him, all the while you have been abused.

Tell EVERYONE the truth.
Tell your children the truth.
Tell them about him assaulting you.

This is such a bad man.
He knows EXACTLY what he did and has done.

He doesn't want you helped.
Don't cover this up, please.

Tell your neighbours the truth.
Let people protect you.

You're doing so well
Once that lightbulb flicks on, you'll now start to see all the ways you appeased him to avoid rocking the boat, because you felt you didn't deserve any better
You do and will find it

Too many men see women as domestic appliances that exist to service and centre them.

Not quite human.

(NAMALT but sadly SMALT.)

And when the appliance malfunctions; gets sick, gets pregnant, gets incapacitated and needs to be the centre of attention or care ...

or dares to turn her own attention elsewhere, such as to a new baby or to her friends or family ...

or is the centre of attention herself with an exam, a celebation, a special occasion, something she needs to focus on - that isn't him ...

That is when we have a problem. This is when the acting out like a jealous toddler round a new baby, the resentment at being asked to share 'her' domestic load, to share her time with others, the accusations and the moaning kick in.

@2JFDIYOLO it's crazy isn't it? This type actually act like you're doing it on purpose when you're unwell. I was spoken to like absolute rubbish when I was having a miscarriage during my first marriage. I had to do our tired toddler's bedtime routine because exh refused to.

TMI, but ...

Half my lifetime ago I had a slipped disc.

I could not move for several days but got no hospital admission.

My partner brought a shallow bowl and a towel so I could wee etc into it while in bed, then emptied and did the washing over those days.

We had an argument about a computer file this morning. Now we're out for coffee and cakes sharing silly videos.

Please write out everything you've put in bits here today in one clear statement - to yourself - and I bet you'll be able to add more. Everything. Every little red flag that maybe you let go, thought you were imagining it.

Bear in mind he's realised you're angry and he's frantically pedaling and scrabbling to get back in your good books and look good to others.

This is called hoovering, and it's well known behaviour.

Should you believe it and hope he's turned over a new leaf - it will be only a matter of time before he does it again.

Huge well done OP. You will feel so much better without all that negativity and nastiness. Speedy healing to you on all fronts!

This has been a sobering exercise.

The patterns are so clear.

Every time something good happens, there’s an argument about something I’ve done wrong

The things he is angry about are both unrelated and disproportionate to his reaction.

I think we’ve had a great time then suddenly he says no no you ruined it because xyz which I simply don’t remember.

Bloody hell.

Yes, I am and it’s not pretty.

It’s also extremely sad because I see myself as successful and independent and it turns out I’m propping up a man’s ego and putting up with shit behaviour just like my mother did.

@Francoishardup

All that matters if you’ve realised now. You aren’t tied to him, you’ve not been harmed by him, you have seen all of the friends and loved ones you have standing by you.

You are loved and cared for and deserve so much more.

You are free now - recover in peace and move on with your brilliant life.

🍾Hear hear

❤️

Please be careful. Does he have a key? Is anyone staying with you?

That intrusion into your wound is really worrying. I don’t want to sicken you, but it is a ‘thing’, apparently.