Moving to the US – Am I Bonkers?

[keithmoo]

DH has just been offered a job in the US, and it’s a really good opportunity – more money, career progression, and all that jazz. It would mean uprooting the DC (6 and 3) and moving to a completely new country, which is giving me the absolute fear. We’d likely be going to a mid-sized city in the Midwest (think Ohio/Indiana sort of area), which I know very little about apart from what I’ve seen in films – which I assume isn’t entirely accurate!

Has anyone done this? What’s the reality of life in the US as a Brit? I’m worried about things like healthcare (I’ve heard horror stories), schooling (seems like it varies wildly), and just generally settling in. Also, I’m a bit concerned about making friends – I’ve heard Americans can be friendly but in a surface-level way, and I don’t want to be stuck in some weird expat bubble.

Would love any advice from those who’ve made the move. What were the biggest culture shocks? Any regrets? What do I need to know that no one tells you?

Also, please reassure me that I won’t have to live off terrible coffee and weird chocolate for the foreseeable…

Are either of your children girls? Do you want them to grow up in a country where women lack body autonomy? Where they can be forced to give birth to a rapist’s child at the risk of their own life?

I might also add the slide into the far right with Proud Boys and Capitol rioters being pardoned by the President and the nazi salute being given by his chief advisor.

i think it would be absolutely untenable for me to live in a country so antithetical to things i care about.

My niece is significantly behind where my DS is (same primary school age).

Children here do start a year or more later than children in the UK. I know schools in the UK where children are starting when they're barely 4. My DGS is in first grade at age 6, and was in Kindergarten before that, where there was not a huge emphasis on formal learning. My experience with my husband's DGD, who is 24 now, is that at ages 6-8 or so she was well behind where my children, educated in the UK, were at that age, but that she caught up and graduated high school roughly on a par with somebody who was doing a broader course than A levels. She's now in college but also working, training to be a dental hygienist.

In the US if someone attacks you with a weapon, you can actually use a weapon to defend yourself. Active self defense is a thing that's taught there.

Here in the UK, if someone pulls out a knife it's considered "game over"

Maybe your niece had some learning challenges … quite rude what you are smug saying she’s significantly behind when it could be a learning need.

She going to Ohio … the decision about abortion is decided in each state. This change happened under Biden.

And since you have abortion on your mind- in Ohio you can get yours at 4.5 months ! I hope this is late enough for your autonomy.
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Abortion is legal in Ohio. However, Ohio bans abortion after 21 weeks, 6 days of pregnancy and has some other restrictions on abortion access. To figure out how far along you are in pregnancy, count from the first day of your last period.

Huh? I don’t get this poster was being even remotely “smug”. Talk about seeing shadows…

I am a US citizen, desperately trying to figure out how to leave. If you are not a white, heterosexual, cisgender man, then don't come. It's getting scary.

Amazingly, I'm also now a US citizen though I was born a UK citizen and lived most of my first fifty years in the UK, so I have dual citizenship. Despite the awful Trump/Musk pollution, I have no desire to go back to the UK. I automatically wrote 'home' first, but on reflection this is my home now. I don't find it remotely scary and I'm female, though I am white and heterosexual. I think there's a lot of unnecessary scaremongering going on. This too shall pass.

If your husband has a good job...your life will be so much better in the USA. Its quite simple i think. The bottom 50% of people, they are going to be better off in UK or Ireland compared to the USA. Its just more brutal here. safety nets are weak. But you must remember, the exact opposite exists for the top 50%. Far better opportunity and far higher standard of living.

I'm too old too take up such an opportunity but in your case I would grab it with both hands if I could. Remember that the USA is massively bigger than Europe. So every state is like another country. There's no cultural connections between Alaska and Florida except that they're part of the USA. I have a cousin Bob in Michigan who looks like Santa Claus. He's recently retired. He hunts and has a concealed carry licence. He told me "I'm too old to run and too young to die". But he's never had to use his gun in nearly 70 years because all of his family, friends and neighbours all know each other. They celebrate their special moments as a community with each other. In our Bob's community it's like being in a small village here in England. They look after each other. Between the neighbours they mow the lawn for the elderly and infirm and shove snow for them when it's needed. And they all celebrate annual celebrations together.

I couldn't risk sending my dc to a US school where there old be gunned down. I mean, I know we've got k ife crime in the UK but that's a child taking out one other child rather than the horror you see of school shootings.

Plus is the package your DH offered enough to compensate for paying for family health insurance and the fact that costs in America are sky high.

Don't do it!

You probably won't even get to this message, but I live on the West Coast, and I love it. I'd lived in London most of my life until 7 years ago and thought I'd never leave, but I couldn't go back now.

Big thing I realized when I moved here is that you're not moving to the entire United States, you are moving to 1 state, and that 1 state may be very different to other states. eg Oregon has different rules and laws than California, and Washington's rules and laws are different again. Kind of how you wouldn't move to 'Europe'; you'd move to France, or Germany, or whatever and you'd expect them to be different.

The hardest part is getting used to the food!

Incorrect.

In the UK you can use a proportionate amount of force. Tony Martin got locked up because he shot someone who was fleeing in the back. This man however was lawfully killed when stabbed by a homeowner who was genuinely threatened.

https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-london-48134851.amp

TBF the education system in the US is pretty dire. Students arrive at university still needing basic catch-up classes in maths, statistics, and essay writing. There is little common curriculum, and history is pretty much optional.

Dear OP,

The USA is a fantastic country full of challenges at the moment but I think we need to be careful not to demonize the whole place.

If you're going for a period of time as a life experience, it's an amazing place of course full of great people.

However, speaking as someone who
was born there and have lived there; I always say to people it is a fantastic place to visit and a great place to live if you are wealthy enough & are confident to only get a little sick and a little old (!).

I can't imagine earning enough to cover the inevitable sicknesses of life - but I am not an expert maybe there are ways.

It's a very tough decision and I wish you well. There will be pros and cons either way.

I live in the US, I'm originally from the UK and I've been here almost 10 years. Things aren't perfect but I'm happy here.

Yes, this is a very minor point in the big picture, but the US starts formal schooling later, so it's to be expected that they're behind in primary. But quite a few countries start at the same time as the US, I think some even start a year later, and it hasn't been shown to make a difference in the long run. The quality of preschool education makes a difference, but not the specific age at which students transition to primary school. There's even some researchers who think the UK approach is counterproductive.

The big issue in early primary, which is now being reversed, is that influential people in US education were against structured phonics programmes and it harmed reading. (One of the big influencers was the NZ inventor of Reading Recovery, so this is a bigger issue than just the US.) The UK was pushing synthetic phonics earlier. I also felt the English lessons in later primary were too keyed to abstract skills so children could pass the state tests, but there has been pushback on that as well.

You realise that you can use lethal force in the UK, if it is reasonable and proportionate to the threat?

The US laws are better as the onus is on the fact that the intruder has no right to be there rather than the onus being on the householder to justify their actions.

But if the attacker has a weapon and I don't have a weapon (being a law abiding UK citizen) I'm stuffed aren't it.

I have a friend who was born and brought up in Texas. Had a conceal carry permit and actively trains to use it, someone tried to mug him and he shot the attacker.

I can explain the educational similarities:

In the US and in the UK, the best schools & educational outcomes are generally in affluent areas or are private.

The worst performing schools with worst outcomes are in the most disadvantaged areas (there are exceptions).

The “systems” are less relevant… it’s parental resources and family commitment to education that make the difference.

That’s the same across the world even where no private education and only state.

more money - better educational outcomes

I remember Americans commenting on the Paris terror attacks in 2015 how much better it would be if everyone carried guns to ward off baddies.

Like it would be better to have a city evening out in cafes and clubs with the potential for a full onWild West shoot out/firestorm going on.

Add to it the fact that guns could then be used in every dispute - between husbands and wives, and teens, with neighbours, with traffic stops and road rage incidents - how much better would it be if everyone who gets cross can shoot you! But at leat you could shoot them back!

Madness. I would not feel safer.

Exactly. The answer to gun crime is not to arm everyone with guns. Surely we are beyond this argument now - seeing what happens in the US in a daily basis.

Because every American city is the wild west?

Illinois has the strictest gun laws and some of the worst gun crime.