Moving to the US – Am I Bonkers?

[keithmoo]

DH has just been offered a job in the US, and it’s a really good opportunity – more money, career progression, and all that jazz. It would mean uprooting the DC (6 and 3) and moving to a completely new country, which is giving me the absolute fear. We’d likely be going to a mid-sized city in the Midwest (think Ohio/Indiana sort of area), which I know very little about apart from what I’ve seen in films – which I assume isn’t entirely accurate!

Has anyone done this? What’s the reality of life in the US as a Brit? I’m worried about things like healthcare (I’ve heard horror stories), schooling (seems like it varies wildly), and just generally settling in. Also, I’m a bit concerned about making friends – I’ve heard Americans can be friendly but in a surface-level way, and I don’t want to be stuck in some weird expat bubble.

Would love any advice from those who’ve made the move. What were the biggest culture shocks? Any regrets? What do I need to know that no one tells you?

Also, please reassure me that I won’t have to live off terrible coffee and weird chocolate for the foreseeable…

If only the UK sent unemployed people with no right to work in the UK back to home country! No country should owe visitors a job, or financial security.

Expat packages clearly outline the length of the package, all benefits and repatriation before you accept the job and move.

Your friend that bought the house … that was a risky decision to make before green card granted. That’s on them, 100%. Don’t blame USA for some persons risky home purchase. Can only say, dumb dumb decision your friend made. Buying a home when had no long term residency status.

In NYC almost certainly. According to one study, there's 800 languages spoken in the city, more than any other city in the world. I can't find data by school, however.

I wonder if ANY school in the USA can boast 100 different languages spoken at home

This doesn’t seem like anything to boast about tbh

Oh I agree it was a risky decision from my friend but calling it a ‘dumb dumb decision’ seems way harsh but was a calculated risk given he’d been in the country and job 9.5 years and was expecting to get a greeen card in 6 months.

in no place did I ‘blame the USA’ for his situation. I just wanted to raise to OP that if she doesn’t have an option to work it’s a risky position to be in.

and he actually went on to get a new job who continued to sponsor him so it all worked out fine but I’m sure it was a stressful time.

I’m not in the UK is it really standard practice like in the US….. you don’t have even a fraction of the shootings that happen in US.

My brother lived in Florida for 25 years until he recently passed away suddenly. We were very close and spoke on Viber 2/3 times a week for an hour or two. My brother was very much call a spade a spade. He had a good life there with his wife and kids to begin with (one of which was born over there), until his ex wife decided to have an affair after about 10 years of being there. This caused him awful problems because if he didn’t have kids he would have come back to the UK but he wasn’t leaving his 3 children over there. So he basically had to start again and it cost him untold stress as the Court for children’s access is totally different over there and cost him thousands of dollars into the bargain. He had a good job but he said he kept ‘friends’ at arms length as he didn’t find them genuine. He had a very good German friend when he first went out there but he ended up separating from his wife and wasn’t happy with custody of his kids via the Courts and……will just say he wasn’t around after that! The main thing that upset my brother was it was all good and rosy going to the States in his forties but 15 years on in his early sixties he said his kids didn't know their grandparents, Aunties, uncles or cousins and it didnt occur to him when he set out originally they would miss out on family times, family gatherings etc.
He told me he bitterly regretted the fact his children never had the Christmas’s we had as children with wider family and he worried what would happen if either he or his ex wife passed away with his children, because in his words they would have no other family out there. I try to be there for them but there’s only so much I can do. The children’s grandparents on either side never visited due to illness and I’ve only been once. Regarding health care, it was unbelievable how much it cost him, not only monthly for his healthcare insurance but the excess every time he got ill or needed the dentist or something simple as antibiotics. Please keep in mind your children’s wider family members as I would have loved to have been closer to my niece and nephew and I know my Mum missed them terribly. One last thing, my brother passed away suddenly & unexpectedly last year but his last wishes were to be buried here back with our Mother, such a shame he didn’t see her more in life.

Anyone considering moving to the US at the moment needs to consider more than their personal quality of life - size of house, type of healthcare and school district but the wider issues the country is facing.
Example - latest comment Trump says Canada isn’t a “viable country” without the US, claiming that “with a stroke of a pen,” he can force companies to stop manufacturing cars there! Do you really want to live in a country with a total idiot as a President?

My neice moved to America , her husband has achieved huge success there and she loves living in the USA with 4 children , she’s become an American citizen and wouldn’t return , but they do have a good income .

@Behaveyourself88 That does sound difficult for your brother, although your nieces and nephews will presumably have their own relationships and established friendships there so they’ll be OK longterm.

From my personal experience, it’s hardest for the person who emigrates, because we miss people back home. Our children are more rooted in the new country so it affects them less iyswim.

American in the US as well and I agree with this. I'm in the Northeast and would recommend either New England or the Tri State area if you're going to move here, but I would never move to Ohio/Indiana, especially under this administration. Those warning you about healthcare and education are correct, especially in those states.

In the US it really comes down to finding old neighbourhoods from before the whole thing was deliberately designed to exclude anything but motor vehicles from about 1930 onwards. Or in the occasional place starting to catch up a little.

And being such, they could either be danger zones or very expensive.

It is normal to have pedestrian crossings across 4, 6 or more lanes, and cycles to be viewed as purely for leisure.

In terms of death rates etc, Usonians kill just under 50k people per annum with their motor vehicles, which pro rate is 3-5 times higher than the UK, depending whether a per-pop or per-distance measure is used.

I was surprised to discover that roads and guns are responsible for quite a chunk of the 3-4 year shorter life expectancy in the USA compared to most other developed countries. But life expectancy is heavily split by wealth, of course.

John Burn-Murdoch in the FT wrote about it here:

<a class="break-all" href="https://archive.is/20240817003508/www.ft.com/content/653bbb26-8a22-4db3-b43d-c34a0b774303#selection-2439.0-2439.119" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">https://archive.is/20240817003508/www.ft.com/content/653bbb26-8a22-4db3-b43d-c34a0b774303#selection-2439.0-2439.119

The sharpest quote:

"One statistic in particular stood out: one in 25 American five-year-olds today will not make it to their 40th birthday."

American in the US as well and I agree with this. I'm in the Northeast and would recommend either New England or the Tri State area if you're going to move here, but I would never move to Ohio/Indiana, especially under this administration. Those warning you about healthcare and education are correct

Some very good school districts and well-renowned hospitals in Ohio (Cleveland Clinic/Akron Children’s) so not sure where this is coming from tbh. Living expenses would be far lower too. (Yes I’m defensive lol these are very nice places actually outside of winter)

College towns are often pedestrian-friendly too. I’d say that where my DD goes is more pedestrian and bike-friendly than car-friendly tbh.

I'm not sure what happened there, My post and a non-borked link:

In the US cycling really comes down to finding old neighbourhoods from before the whole thing was deliberately designed to exclude anything but motor vehicles from about 1930 onwards. Or in the occasional place starting to catch up a little. In many places suburbs may not even have a pavement.

And being such, they could either be danger zones or very expensive.

It is normal to have pedestrian crossings across 4, 6 or more lanes, and cycles to be viewed as purely for leisure.

In terms of death rates etc, Usonians kill just under 50k people per annum with their motor vehicles, which pro rate is 3-5 times higher than the UK, depending
whether a per-pop or per-distance measure is used.

I was surprised to discover that roads and guns are responsible for quite a chunk of the 3-4 year shorter life expectancy in the USA compared to most other developed countries. But life expectancy is heavily split by wealth, of course.

John Burn-Murdoch in the FT wrote about it here:

The sharpest quote:

"One statistic in particular stood out: one in 25 American five-year-olds today will not make it to their 40th birthday."

https://archive.is/20240817003508/www.ft.com/content/653bbb26-8a22-4db3-b43d-c34a0b774303#selection-2439.0-2439.119

Agree. While cost of living is lower in the midwest than the coasts, $100k does not get you very far. In my state, ~$200k would be the average salary for a US middle class/moderate lifestyle (I understand from Mumsnet that middle class means two different lifestyles from the UK to US, so want to be clear about that!) family of four. A three bedroom fixer upper in my area would cost about $800k, for perspective. The posters that are giving you advice on doing research on there area where you'd move, healthcare costs, copays, average grocery costs, educational opportunities, etc are giving you really great advice!

I'm in the UK and my son has just done a lock-down drill in secondary school. I think all schools have emergency drills like this now.

I imagine your husband will have family healthcare as part of his package - it would be very unusual not to.
And for starters the area you move to is the most important factor. I have no knowledge of the area you are talking about, but my parents moved to Boston in the late 1960s. My father was a doctor and got a good position and the two year trail ended up being 35 years (until he retired).
But the Boston area is totally different; there's a large population of ex pats who are attracted to the universities (my father taught in one of the medical schools), arts and culture. It has quite a European feel in many ways. NY is not far away.
My DH was up for a job in NY and we would have moved for the four years he would have been there. But again I know it, we decided we would live in Connecticut and went so far as to start researching schools but in the end he decided against it for other reasons.
But the Midwest? No idea. You should visit it before coming to a definitive decision.
As fur leaving family - don't give that too much weight. Travel is relatively easy and life shouldn't be decided on this basis - if the job is really good and you decide you like the area it can be a once in a lifetime opportunity.

If you are a female of fertile age then, no :(

I assume that the Swedish college shooting has prompted schools elsewhere to do a practice in case of copycat attacks.

The response of the Swedish government to this one-off - first of its kind in the country - event has been to legislate for greater gun control, particularly semi-automatic rifles, much like the UK restricted handguns post-Dunblane. In both countries the response has been "never again".

Meanwhile in the US, far from being once-in-several-decades one-offs, school shootings occur more than 80 times per year. And yet the FAWB was allowed to expire in 2004 and has not returned since.

American society is too gun heavy for any gun control legislation to have any meaningful effect. All gun control would do is take away the ability for regular people to defend themselves. Will criminals hand in their weapons? No

I work in this area. Make sure you’re well supported by the employer if you are following a job - ask the employer to pay for a ‘look&see’ trip before you make that decision; then ask for professional support with relocation- from moving your personal stuff to help with finding a new home, school, settling in, culture orientation, possibly partner support. Also help with visas & taxes etc - it makes a huge difference. There are professionals in this area who can help you to decide, ask the right questions & make this a a happy move. Good luck. 🤞

There are cities and excellent universities in the midwest, ya know.

It's not so much ethnic cultures as fractured, deregulated media and SM that work against the melting pot ideal.

Immigrants generally stick together in 'pockets' for all sorts of solid reasons - mutual support, food, language, extended family, the feeling that you know the people around you and thst they know you and appreciate you. As seen in the UK...

Disagree slightly.

Purdue is a highly rated university located in West Lafayette, Indiana. Ranks strongly not just within the US but globally too.

With the Times Higher Education rankings it ranks 32 for the US and 79 globally.

www.purdue.edu/newsroom/2024/Q4/purdue-rises-to-no-79-globally-improves-to-no-32-in-the-u-s-in-latest-times-higher-education-rankings#:~:text=About%20Purdue%20University,a%20scale%20second%20to%20none.

If you’re well off, I think it can be a great move. My sister lives in a beautiful town in one of the states you mention. It’s movie perfect. I’m always so impressed by the public facilities when we visit… public pools, play parks, library etc. The streets are immaculate etc. She married a local though, so had a pre-made friend circle/family etc.

We’re very tempted with a move!! I think the UK is pretty dire and tax is far too high for the quality of public services.

The type of house we could buy there for the same price of our current UK “home counties” house is incredible.

I’m mostly put off by the quality of education. My niece is significantly behind where my DS is (same primary school age). Gun crime scares me too…but so does knife crime here!