Moving to the US – Am I Bonkers?

[keithmoo]

DH has just been offered a job in the US, and it’s a really good opportunity – more money, career progression, and all that jazz. It would mean uprooting the DC (6 and 3) and moving to a completely new country, which is giving me the absolute fear. We’d likely be going to a mid-sized city in the Midwest (think Ohio/Indiana sort of area), which I know very little about apart from what I’ve seen in films – which I assume isn’t entirely accurate!

Has anyone done this? What’s the reality of life in the US as a Brit? I’m worried about things like healthcare (I’ve heard horror stories), schooling (seems like it varies wildly), and just generally settling in. Also, I’m a bit concerned about making friends – I’ve heard Americans can be friendly but in a surface-level way, and I don’t want to be stuck in some weird expat bubble.

Would love any advice from those who’ve made the move. What were the biggest culture shocks? Any regrets? What do I need to know that no one tells you?

Also, please reassure me that I won’t have to live off terrible coffee and weird chocolate for the foreseeable…

I love the US and have lived there. But that was pre-children and in CA. I don’t think you could tempt me to live in the mid-west.

I guess people have different experiences. For example, my SIL has yearly gynaecological assessments including mammogram and smear, all there SEN child’s additional therapies are paid for and accessed immediately - no waiting, 3 monthly paediatric assessments until age 2, dental including braces for the kids all paid for… the list goes on for what they access immediately.

"I think people's political opinions are clouding what they think. In the average day to day, most of these things don't effect your life."

That is not true now. Everything is politicized or becoming so. Health care is legislated by right wing politicians into law. It's no longer private between doctor and patient. This has a huge negative impact especially on women. Red states with strict anti abortion laws are also losing providers. There are areas that are becoming healthy care deserts for women. Health care in the past 5 years has been increasingly taken over by private equity firms and standards have fallen. The federal Dept of Health is about to be run by a man completely unfit for the position. There are increasing outbreaks of infectious diseases. There's a big outbreak of TB in Kansas right now and health departments are being muzzled.

Schools, well, the right wing politicians are trying to shift funding towards private schools, and up to 90% of those are religious. On the federal level, it looks like the Board of Education will be done away with. No accountability or standards at the federal level.

Guns. Best assume everybody's strapped. Most are.

Inflation is nuts right now. Food is extremely expensive.

Would the offer include high-end health insurance?

We moved to the US from the UK in 2021. Healthcare costs are less than what our tax contribution to the NHS would have been, but here I can always schedule an appointment for the next day, no surgery waiting lists etc.
We're on the east coast, but I was still surprised how much religion appears in the day to day.
We moved to similar reasons to you, much higher salary and career progression opportunities.

It’s “great” not “gr8”

This is the reason we’re actually considering moving there 🤣

The biggest reason for me refusing to visit let alone live in the US is Trump, certain parts are extremely right wing, the gun culture, the bigotry, sexism in some areas and racist element so all those would persuade me never to live there especially the Mid west who are downright strange. If your husbands company offers decent health care then presumably that wouldn't be an issue. They work much longer hours and have less holiday than here and as a spouse you may not be able to drive or work there. Their restaurants are normally of the fast variety as the staff live off tips do their aim is to get you out the door asap.

My husband was offered work over there as were his colleagues, we decided against it and some who went regretted it. Think carefully especially now with madmen like Trump and Musk in charge,

Can you access private education as I thought state education was being cut?

I think you should look into what would happen to you if you and your husband split up. I know of somebody who is unable to come back to the UK with her children while her ex lives with his new girlfriend and refuses to let her take the children. She can't get a job and is desperate to leave. Some states are not supportive to women in these circumstances so you should be very careful and sure about your position.

What's the salary? Can you work or are you ok with not working?

A big part is the kind of lifestyle you can afford in reality

Three weeks into Trump’s presidency, I can’t see how anyone’s previous experience is relevant. This is unknown territory, God only knows what kind of state he’s going to leave the US in by 2028. There’s no way I’d visit now, let alone move there.

I could not be persuaded to permanently relocate to the US for all the money in the world.

In might (MIGHT) consider it as a fixed term sabbatical of say 12-24 months while the children are still small if the money really would be life-changing (and if it came with gold plated health insurance) but home would always be the UK.

All of this.

When I lived in the US 20 years ago, I didn't agree with a lot of the politics but I didn't feel like it really affected my day to day life.

I don't think that's the case under Trump. I think his incredibly poor and bizarre decisions do affect everyone's day to day lives

His various threats to take over other territories/countries may eventually lead to war

I am British, have lived in the U.S. for nearly 15 years, on the East Coast which is culturally different from Midwest. Raising my children in the U.S. with an American husband. I agree with Daisy Mae's post. There are lots and LOTS of things I miss about the UK but the healthcare and dentistry is not one. If you have good health insurance via an employer (check your husband's package... that sounded rude ) it is likely to be better than the NHS.

Hmmm well I have lots of family in the US, mainly upper NY state. I visited them a few years back, and even though they mentioned the expense I hadn't really registered until I did my first grocery shopping trip, it was eye watering, and made the UK prices seem very cheap in comparison! So a pay rise in real terms might not equate to that much more once you're living there.
There is lots that I love about the US, and lots that I abhor about it. It's a country of immense contrasts even from state to state. I'd happily live there on a temporary basis, but would want to be back in the UK for secondary education. My biggest worry would be if dh wanted to stay and I wanted to leave, easy without kids but a whole bucket load on complications with them.

I agree with this but I would echo the PP who mentioned that even if you have great insurance, that doesn't cover everything and there are a lot of copays and excess charges and prescription charges etc. You need to make sure you understand those and budget for them. I feel like a lot of people imply it's all sorted if you have insurance

I know a multimillionaire couple who have a holiday home in Florida and although they love it for holidays they said they would never raise their kids there, the education system being one of the main reasons. Not because of school shootings but the curriculums and how they do things.

Can you elaborate on what, specifically, has been positive in your experience?

You're asking on the wroung forum really, @keithmoo; Mumnet is notoriously anti-American and can often see little beyond Trump, guns and the plastic pals at Disney
Much better/more informative here, mostly based on facts rather than imagination: https://britishexpats.com/forum/usa-57/

I spend 6 months a year in the US and can assure you that while it has issues like everywhere else I'd grab the opportunity with both hands - especially for the Midwest where the famed American friendliness reaches its zenith
It doesn't suit everyone, but once you've settled there I'll be very surprised if you ever want to live in the UK again

But she won't be able to come back with her children unless her husband agrees.
I have a very close friend who is American she lives in the UK but still have family in the USA she has just become a UK citizen because she said the thought of living in the USA now terrifies her.

I've lived in the US, have many friends there, and work in international education, so know of lots of people's experiences of moving to and from the US.

As others have said, you need to look really carefully at the conditions of your husband's contract.

Health insurance is most people's major monthly expense. Yes your husband's company will provide it, but what a lot of people don't realise is that you still need to pay every month for this. I've got friends working for huge firms in the US with access to great health insurance with comprehensive coverage - but they're often paying between $700-900 per month for their copayments. Their salaries might be higher on paper than UK salaries, but once you factor in the insurance, the salaries become much more comparable.

Property taxes can also be very high in some US states. You will need to check this when you start looking at areas to live. It's not like Council Tax - some people are paying thousands a month in property taxes depending on the size of their properties.

You also have to bear in mind that you have to pay tax at the end of the tax year - both federal and state - and you will need to put money aside for this as PAYE does not exist in the US.

You will also need to see if you are able to work on your husband's visa. If not, this could end up being a problem for you. If this is a long term move, then you'll have to wait years before you can work. You might be ok with that if you're planning on using this as an opportunity to be a SAHM, but if you want to keep up with your career, you may be prohibited from doing so. I know a lot of trailing spouses who have found this restriction on their professional lives really hard.

State education in the US is hugely variable and many international families will want to go private. These fees are very expensive in the US and many private schools in midwestern states will be Christian - and deeply so. So, check out schooling very carefully. You also have to bear in mind that the US curriculum is not as rigorous as the UK one, and if you're planning on coming back to the UK and slotting your kids back into the British system at some point, they may well be a year or so behind.

Moving abroad can be a fantastic adventure and the US has plenty to offer in terms of quality of life and access to amazing landscapes and experiences. However, do bear in mind that in the current political landscape, as a woman of childbearing age, you need to understand fully what you will be walking into and what restrictions and dangers you may face as a result, and be prepared to live with the consequences of that choice.

Something that also surprised me when I lived in the US was how deeply religion was baked into everyday life and how much of the communal social life in many places was built on church attendance. As an atheist, I found that really hard. People openly talked about religion at work and would invite me to church and so on. I also found it frustrating that some people made decisions at work based on prayer rather than common sense. It's a funny old country and in many ways can feel incredibly backwards and parochial once you get out of the major coastal cities.

Are you white OP? Definitely don't go if you aren't.

I personally wouldn't go - the Midwest will be very conservative. I want to be in control of my own reproductive rights and i wouldn't want gun crime looming over me and my child.

I would hate to have to send my child to a school where they need to do regular practices for dealing with gun attacks. I'm usually fairly pragmatic, but my heart would be in my mouth every time I left my children at school.

i lived in Manhattan for a few years but we didn’t have kids and we were both on a good salary, loved it but i wouldn’t think it’s the ‘american’ experience you would get in the midwest.

i think you could have a wonderful time but i would be worried about uprooting the kids when you decide to come back (should you want to, and you probably will if you’re family oriented).

good luck with whatever you decide to do.