AIBU to think family should wait for us to order

[CatherineRose16]

I am away for 2 nights in a hotel with my 2 sisters and our families to celebrate my oldest sisters birthday. I am the youngest sister. My older sisters are very close and I often feel a little left out with my sisters. Anyway we had a meal booked for 6.30 in the hotel restaurant last night. My kids wanted to go for a swim so we did that before the meal. My sisters and their families went for a drink in the bar. Anyway at 6.15 my sister texts me to ask were we coming for the meal. We were just getting dressed after the swim so I replied yes, we will be there at 6.30. We arrived at 6.30 and they were already seated and had ordered their food. So it ended up that they were eating their food and were completely finished by the time our food arrived. My kids had to sit and watch their cousins eat and it just made me very uncomfortable. My nephew told my kids that they were late (we were perfectly on time for the booking). If we had known sisters were going early we could have spent less time in the pool. AIBU to be upset about this? I obviously didn't say anything to my sisters as I didn't want to argue on my sisters birthday but it's just another time where my sisters have made me feel bad about myself.

I'm baffled by people who turn up early for reservations! I always go for the time.

When organising things in my family if we wanted them to then up early we would tell them when

There are so many replies focused on what time you 'should have' turned up, etc. I think the root cause is that you are not as close to your sisters as they are to each other, so I suggest this is something you consider working on (unless you don't want it). Perhaps it is worth talking to your sisters and calmly mentioning it, and how it made you feel.

Are your sisters closer to each other because of their age, or are they at a different stage of life than you, i.e. they have older children? Or are they both united by not having children, so see you as being different? It could simply be family dynamics in that they see you as the little sister and, in some unkind way, less important and so deserve less respect. Only you would know the truth.

I think it was wrong of them to start without you, especially if it was for a formal get together such as a birthday dinner. Although some posters have pointed out that you were rude for not having arrived sooner to join in with the drinks, I disagree. You did not even know about them and you did not receive a message from either sister about meeting up earlier. Other posters have also mentioned that it's normal to meet up for the pre-dinner drink. What if you did turn up for the 'standard' pre-dinner drinks at 6:15pm, and there wasn't one and no-one else had turned up? That would be a bit of a waste of time.

I think your sisters were inconsiderate and, if you care enough, perhaps it's worth getting to the root of why they see and treat you in this way and take action to improve your relationship with them. It is possible it's nothing in their eyes and they think you are happy with the status quo which is why they continue to treat you in like this.

I think that there's a massive absence of communication. You should have asked what the other kids were up to and you should have asked what time the birthday duster was heading for the table. It's possible that you come across as distant.

i Would feel they didn’t want me there and I’d probably limit the time I’d spend with them. Why put yourself through this - family or not I just won’t be made to feel like I’m a second thought.

The people that say they always arrive early to a restaurant in order to enjoy a drink, do you order your food before the other guests arrive or do you usually wait for them?

Yes maybe I should have asked them to join us in the pool. I didn't think to really, assumed they would come if they wanted to. Didn't really view it as a social thing I needed to invite people to ifywim.
I thought the birthday sister was heading for the table at 6.30. She messaged to the whatsapp group in the morning to say that the table was booked for 6.30. I did not think to ask her what time she was going to arrive as I assumed it was 6.30.

I think your sisters were rude but I get your desire to have a nice relationship with them but you’ve got to be honest about the reality of that relationship- good relationships don’t make you feel bad.

They were rude. But I'm more wondering how the rest of your night was OP? Was all OK when you joined your sisters for drinks later?

Haven’t you ever arranged to meet someone at 6.30 who has then arrived at 6.30?

Are you all still there? What happened last night?

I get the impression there is history of this sort of passive aggressive behaviour op?

You could've turned up a few minutes earlier but turning up at 6:30 was fine as that was what was agreed. The fact that they'd changed the goal posts by messaging you at 6:15 to ask where you were, and had already ordered by the time you'd turned up suggests there's family tension and they enjoy putting you in awkward positions. If you knew they were meeting for drinks in the bar first, why did you not want to join them?

Neither, I can't abide lateness

Most places have a bar or waiting area so that you can sit there with a drink before moving into the actual restaurant.

No, don't give me that "slightly before" nonsense.

If you arrange a booking for 6:30, the aim is to be there at 6:30. Why would you turn up early?

But why wouldn’t you say “Let’s meet in the bar beforehand”? And if your sister had specifically told you that she was taking her children swimming and would see you at the booked time, why would it then come as a surprise that that is exactly what happened?

I don't understand how it’s “really odd” to turn up at the appointed time in any circumstances - but especially not when you’ve made it clear you won’t be any earlier.

This is ridiculous. They’re all in the same hotel. Why would you stay in the same hotel with someone with whom you were trying to avoid spending time? And if OP’s sister so badly wanted to see her for a drink before dinner, why didn’t she simply ask her?

It's not like the OP took her kids off on a day trip and didn’t invite anyone else. She took them swimming in the hotel pool. Presumably they chose a hotel with a pool to be able to do just that. The sister could easily have joined them - she’s a hotel guest too, so it’s not like she needs an invitation.

I’ve never heard anyone say you should arrive BEFORE the booked time. Table is available from that time so surely the aim is to arrive on time not before .

But OP wasn’t late…

6:30 was the booked time. They must have got there really early to be able to have ordered their food and drinks before the op arrived.

Usually you'd spend time looking at menus and choosing, you don't order the moment you sit at your table. This is what makes it seem deliberate and calculated.

If it was a restaurant in a high street for example, that had nowhere for you to wait for your table, then I wouldn't be more than 5 mins early. However, this was a restaurant within a hotel and it was your sisters birthday, so I would have gone down 10-15 mins early to meet up, chat, maybe have a quick drink before the meal. Having said that though, they were rude to be seated early and order before you arrived, as you'd already said you would be there on time.

we would have done that too but we would have had a conversation that went ‘table booked for 6.30- let’s meet up at 6.15 for a drink beforehand’. The reply would be ‘sounds great - see you at 6.15 at the bar- we’re going swimming first so we’ll meet you down there’

nice and clear. I wouldn’t just randomly turn up 15 mins early as my family wouldn’t be there as we hadn’t prearranged it!

If the table was booked for 6.30, this means YOUR TABLE IS READY FOR YOU TO SIT DOWN AT 6.30.
OP what was the atmosphere like when you were eating and they had finished?
They were SO rude. All they had to say to the waiter was that not everyone had arrived yet so they would order some drinks.

You arrived on time and they should have waited for you before ordering food.

Re taking kids to the pool, that would be seen as reasonable in my family when we do group holidays. Everyone can go to pool or choose to do something else. Everyone is welcome to suit themselves.

Your sisters were inconsiderate. It’s not the biggest issue and i’d not have been angry but I would have asked them why they didn’t wait to order as we were not late. Just for clarity of expectation.

Thanks all, we are home now. The rest of the stay was fine. My sisters talk a lot, I am the quieter one.

Quite.

So much batshittery on this thread.

Of course normal people would either say, "let's meet in the bar at 6", or alternatively not expect to see their dinner companions until the actual time of the reservation.

The idea that they were rude to go swimming is so bizarre. They arrived at 4 and had no plans to meet until 6:30. What was the OP supposed to do, tell her three children, "No, you can't go swimming, you must sit and twiddle your thumbs for two hours and then we'll all go down to the bar on the off chance that the others are early"?