DM redecorated my lounge

[Blubstering]

I KNOW I’m not BU but need to know how to handle this. NC because I’ve spoken to a few people IRL.

I’ve recently had a baby and was in hospital for just over a week. DH was with me most of that time including the first 4 days where he was in with me overnight due to some complications (I had sepsis) and him needing to look after the baby while I wasn’t able to.

Anyway, during those first 4 days, my usually lovely mum decided to completely redecorate my living room. It did not need decorating, it was done fairly recently and we’d just painted it a soft taupy off white, which complimented our existing oak furniture nicely. It was simple but warm.

Mum has painted it a mid grey on 2 walls and royal purple on the other 2 walls. It looks absolutely awful.

DH came home and saw it but didn’t tell me what had happened until the day I came home. He warned me, and when we got home mum was there all smiles and proud of herself thinking she had done a nice thing for us. I felt like one of those people on Changing Rooms the mid 2000’s when they had to stand next to Carol Smiley and pretend to love their new rooms when absolutely everyone in the room knew it looked absolutely dire. She’s not even done a neat job, the purples smudged into the grey walls in the corners and there’s purple on the window frames too.

I said something about feeling very tired and mum took the hint and left but did seem quite off, then I just cried and then went to bed. Mum then texted me and said ‘what do you think??’ So I took the opportunity and replied ‘I really appreciate the thought mum but it’s not our taste, I wish you’d asked us first xx’ which I think was fairly balanced.

I then got a phone call from my dad to say mum was in bits and very offended I’m not more grateful for her efforts and she was only trying to do something nice for us. So I said that I appreciated that but reiterated the colour isn’t to our taste and we hadn’t long since decorated the living room the way we wanted it. He said ‘yes but it was far too plain’… I’m not sure what happened but I’m so tired I physically felt like I couldn’t talk anymore so I just put the phone down.

Anyway the upshot is my parents are now no longer speaking to me and I’ve got a new baby so could really use their support. How do I fix this??

Why the fuck did she think that anyone would be ok with having their lounge redecorated without their consent or input? It's so weird! My mil once went into our house and tidied whilst we were on holiday and thought she was doing a good thing, I was livid!! I would be mostly pissed off with the fact that you have just bought a newborn home and now you need to faff about with redecorating.

Why would someone be grateful to come home 1 week postpartum having survived sepsis to see their living room purple.

and now have to pay decorators to fix it. While dealing with a new baby and recovering health. It’s a literal nightmare headache.

and then emotional bullying on top. God what a batshit take

OP is there any sort of precedent or controlling behaviour history with you Mum?

I just find it batshit that her daughter had just given birth and was essentially at risk of dying from complications and sepsis in hospital, and rather than being beside herself with worry or making loads of freezer meals to keep you going when you get home she was redecorating your lounge to suit her tastes. I mean, I do understand using anxious energy to keep busy but this seems WAY beyond that.

I'm just role-playing in my head what would happen if I painted my daughter's sitting room purple and grey without her permission...

OK, got it... she'd explode and I'd be blasted into the next county. She'd then have it decorated back into her taste and send me the bill. She probably wouldn't be able to speak to me for a month, such would be her outrage. She turns after me of course because that's what I'd do.

Your parents are unbelievably deluded about boundaries and very lucky that your DH hasn't banned them from your house indefinitely.

I would be furious at all of this as well as the smell of paint in my home with a newborn.

If you need support it would be better to rely on friends or others or pay a postnatal doula because being around them would probably raise your blood pressure!

They do it because they want to impose themselves on others. It's a form of pissing around the edges of your territory and when it all goes pearshaped, they then have the chance to be the hurt party.

It sounds like OPs Mum couldn't stand all the attention being on her daughter so did this to get the spotlight back on herself.

The world is full of these types with behaviour like this to a greater or lesser degree. You have to learn to spot them early on as they will fuck you up given half a chance.

A fruit basket and a massive congratulations card is what is appropriate here alongside unconditional support. Op's Mum has made all of it conditional and it's oppressive horrible behaviour.

I would def be rethinking my relationship with my DM if she didn't immediately apologise, say she overstepped but didn't think and pay to have it all put back to my taste ASAP because she will carry on in the same vein with my child for sure otherwise.

Surely OP's mum should be grateful that her daughter didn't die in childbirth due to sepsis? Her daughter survived so she she (the mum) should count her blessings and apologise to the daughter for decorating her lounge without asking and then refusing to speak to her daughter.

Oh op I really sympathise. My dm had a weird wobble after my first birth which was quite a difficult birth and I felt very hormonal and upset and alone too. Luckily my dh was amazing and my dm sorted herself out when she realised two could play at that game. It was actually a really defining moment in creating some more grown up boundaries in our relationship. So there could be a way back from this.

You do not need to fix it though. Let her dwell on her behaviour and how much she has overstepped. I mean how bloody dare they come into your house and change the colour. That's totally overstepping and isn't doing something nice for you. Something nice might have been emptying the laundry basket. Cleaning the bathroom. Mowing the lawn. If you feel able to send her a letter making it very clear that this is overstepping boundaries and how dare she gaslight you into thinking you are in the wrong for not being grateful. I can't believe your dh didn't go mental at her and make her change it back, he must be lovely bloke who didn't want to cause ructions between you and your parents.

Enjoy your lovely newborn op and let your Mum get over herself.

I wonder if she was beside herself with worry, wanted to do something practical to help, fixed on decorating and then just didn't stop. So some sort of displacement activity that got out of control.

My advice is if it's good for the goose, it's good for the gander - so when you're feeling up for it, take your paint & brushes and redecorate your parent's living room.

In all fairness, while the above might be what you want to do, it really isn't what you should do. I'd just get some paint that you do like the look of and paint over what your mother did.

Then I'd download a picture of that mural that the woman 'fixed' on the wall of the church in Spain (think that's where it happened) and get it as a greeting card for the next birthday or Mother's Day or Easter or whatever and send it to her. She'll either get it (as in don't try to fix something that doesn't need fixing) or it will be a pretty card for her.

The way some people behave is shocking, and the way others back them up on here is even worse.

A friend of mine got married. They hadn't lived together before and were so excited. They'd bought a new house and were making loads of plans about how to decorate. They'd ordered flatpack furniture as were looking forward to making that, too - they really wanted to nest.

When they were on their honeymoon the groom's parents went to their house (they had spare keys) and decorated the whole house and put up all the furniture. It really upset my friend and her husband - it was their first home together and neither had lived away from their family homes before. They'd been so looking forward to doing all that. Not only that, the PILs told them how much they'd enjoyed doing it, as though my friend and her husband would be glad.

Edited to add the PILs chose and bought the paint, too - no reference to what the couple actually wanted.

Christ OP I’d be raging.

I thought my MIL was a bit OTT when she first saw our newly decorated lounge … it was yellow and she cried whilst clutching the door frame.
But this is absolutely crazy!

Why didn't she do the nursery or something? It's very hard to paint and decorate and very tiring people get their noses out of joint and their pride gets hurt when it's an absolute disaster. Then you get scenes like the end of the TV show changing rooms. You need to have an honest conversation with her probably but it's going to be hard. Paint it back though it's your home not hers.

This is outrageous. I'd ask them to pay for it to be redecorated. You do not need to apologise for anything. I would have told them how upset I was

My mum can be a little overbearing - very different from me as I am very laidback. But even my mum wouldn't do this. She sounds crazy. And horrible that she and OP's dad are not speaking to her.

Op had a baby AND was seriously ill afterwards. They are treating her horribly and I don't think I would forgive or forget this.

Don’t get me started - I’m staying out of it but basically, I’m being ‘precious’ because I don’t want her in the house while I’m bleeding heavily still and trying to start breastfeeding and the ‘modern fad’ for keeping babies away from extended family is the problem here, not me needing time to recover.. so she won’t stay in a hotel and spend the money because she doesn’t think she should have to. She’s said all of this to DH, so DH has basically said ‘that’s fine mum, see you when we see you’ to which she’s decided not to come at all

My parents can be a bit like this (there are stories). I had to change the locks.

I agree with whoever said it was them pissing on their territory.

Maybe threatened now that you have your own family? People can be weird.

I’m thinking this is meant to be a site for grown ups

Congratulations on the new baby. Your parents are nuts and crazy to be mad at you. One question, I live in the US and doesn't the nurses on the maternity floor take care of babies not the parents especially if the mother is so ill?

My mother would do this, albeit when I was a child/teenager. Every so often I'd come home to find my bedroom painted a different colour and furniture in different places. It was really unsettling, to put it lightly.

Very strange behaviour.

It is a good thing you are not my daughter because I don’t think I would be alive right now! 😀
It is HUGE overstepping. Your mother needs to know she cannot do things to your home without asking. What a nasty woman she is if she doesn’t offer to help with your baby.

WHAT? 😂 Who the fuck DOES that?! And a minging hideous GREY too. ❕

When is this horrid colour going to die out?! (For decor I mean!!!) My adult DC were grey obsessed for about 3 years, (2020 to 2023-ish) but they're over it now, thankfully!

YANBU @Blubstering and your mum is being daft. Seriously, ask her what the fuck she was thinking! I mean really.........?! Why would anyone decorate someone's house behind their back/when they're not there.

WTAF?! 😂 Never known this happen!

But OP is the wronged party - it isn't up to her to make the move to reconciliation

I’d be sending them the bill for the decorating costs. She had absolutely no right and her playing the victim in the aftermath, when you’ve just returned with a new baby, is so beyond inappropriate.

What she did was not for you, it was for her, and she proved that by waiting around for praise and throwing her toys when she didn’t get it.

Why on earth would doing the nursery be any better in this scenario??? She shouldn't be going into anyone's home and decorating anything unless expressly asked to!