DM redecorated my lounge

[Blubstering]

I KNOW I’m not BU but need to know how to handle this. NC because I’ve spoken to a few people IRL.

I’ve recently had a baby and was in hospital for just over a week. DH was with me most of that time including the first 4 days where he was in with me overnight due to some complications (I had sepsis) and him needing to look after the baby while I wasn’t able to.

Anyway, during those first 4 days, my usually lovely mum decided to completely redecorate my living room. It did not need decorating, it was done fairly recently and we’d just painted it a soft taupy off white, which complimented our existing oak furniture nicely. It was simple but warm.

Mum has painted it a mid grey on 2 walls and royal purple on the other 2 walls. It looks absolutely awful.

DH came home and saw it but didn’t tell me what had happened until the day I came home. He warned me, and when we got home mum was there all smiles and proud of herself thinking she had done a nice thing for us. I felt like one of those people on Changing Rooms the mid 2000’s when they had to stand next to Carol Smiley and pretend to love their new rooms when absolutely everyone in the room knew it looked absolutely dire. She’s not even done a neat job, the purples smudged into the grey walls in the corners and there’s purple on the window frames too.

I said something about feeling very tired and mum took the hint and left but did seem quite off, then I just cried and then went to bed. Mum then texted me and said ‘what do you think??’ So I took the opportunity and replied ‘I really appreciate the thought mum but it’s not our taste, I wish you’d asked us first xx’ which I think was fairly balanced.

I then got a phone call from my dad to say mum was in bits and very offended I’m not more grateful for her efforts and she was only trying to do something nice for us. So I said that I appreciated that but reiterated the colour isn’t to our taste and we hadn’t long since decorated the living room the way we wanted it. He said ‘yes but it was far too plain’… I’m not sure what happened but I’m so tired I physically felt like I couldn’t talk anymore so I just put the phone down.

Anyway the upshot is my parents are now no longer speaking to me and I’ve got a new baby so could really use their support. How do I fix this??

I bet this suggestion wouldn't have been made if it were the woman's MIL who had done it rather than his MIL!

What on earth? 😮
Talk about overstepping! I can't even imagine doing this to my adult child. And you're supposed to be grateful? Pffft.
Hope you're all coping alright after the hospital OP, you've had quite an ordeal x

Never give parents or in laws the key to your home.

That’s totally out of order.

i would just leave contacting them for now, focus on you, your husband and the baby. Then I would send a text just saying that you don’t understand why your mum thought it would be a good idea, and with colours no where else in the house and knowing you had just done the lounge, and that you were very upset. I would go onto say you have had to pay a decorator to come in and repaint as you are still unwell and DH is looking after you and that you hope they won’t do anything again like this and you know just wish to draw a line under it and move on

Do you have any siblings @Blubstering ?

Setting aside the totally batshit entitled behaviour, "I only wanted to do something nice for you" is another one of those lines that is a red flag all on its own whoever says it. I think right now OP you need to do whatever is right and best for the health and emotional health of you and your baby and your DH. For me that would be going NC at least temporarily and changing the locks, then setting everything else aside until YOU feel ready to deal with it. Are you likely to get flying monkey phonecalls or texts or are you on a family chat? If either of those is a thing then it might be worth getting in first to say calmly what has happened, that its not important enough right now for you or your husband to give headspace to and that you will address it with your parents when YOU decide to. Thereafter do not respond to comments or messages about it until you feel ready. Its great that you can rely on your DH to sort out his mother. My congratulations on the new baby and glad to hear that you are home safe.

I tend to agree with your parents about taup white. I could never live in such a room. I like purple - painted first married bedroom this colour and current bedroom is red and black - but I would hesitate to paint someone else's living room without their sayso. Your parents are a bit odd. Re-paint the room when you can and meanwhile put up some pictures to cover the walls a bit.
Off piste, but why did your DH have to stay in hospital to look after your baby while you had sepsis. The nurses on maternity wards used to do this. A bit developing country-ish asking relatives to do it!

What’s wrong with tidying or doing the shopping or batch cooking - you know what might be considered normal helpful stuff when someone has just had a baby.

Repainting something that didn’t need doing and in a non-neutral colour is weird.

Sounds a bit attention seeking behaviour.

Next time they go on holiday pay for a decorator to paint their living room bright green? “I thought it was far too pale before!”

If she was beside herself with worry, and just used the decorating as some displacement activity, why would she she stop speaking to her daughter who simply answered a question about what she thought about the decoration?

Surely she would be so happy and grateful that her daughter had survived, she would take OP's very mild criticism on the chin and apologise and ask what she could do to help put things right? That is what any normal loving mother would do.

Hesitate? Shouldn't even cross your mind!

And your taste is irrelevant here

I think you handled it extremely well. I agree it wasn't done maliciously but it's a definite overstepping of boundaries. I love warm, neutral shades for walls as well - I can't imagine walking in to purple!

I'd concentrate on your new baby and your health for now and let your parents stew. Hopefully with time they'll come to see that redecorating was out of order.

Oh this is awful, both set of grandparents need to wind their necks in and realise their daughter / daughter in law is very sick and needs to recover. I think you were very measured in how you responded. Focus on your baby and your recovery and let them all come to their senses. Hosting visitors when you’re still recovering from trauma is not easy.

Green is very in, too. Make sure and slop it over her skirting, too. You tried your best. You were only doing something nice for her

I hope you'd do a LOT more than hesitate and family facilities and having care done by the family is not a new idea. Far from being developing country-ish its thought to be much better for the family and the child.

My taste is irrelevant, I just wondered what reaction I would get! Almost everyone on MN seems to go in for shades of oatmeal.
'Hesitate' is polite speech for I wouldn't dream of doing it.

Why are people getting hung up on the colours they chose?

So they are allowed to say they don’t like it as it’s ‘too plain’, but you’re not allowed to say you don’t like purple? Talk about double standards.

They’ve taken a week that should be about you and new baby and made it all about themselves.

Is this your first baby? It’s like she can’t cope with you being in charge and is literally marking her territory.

To me I think the Crux of it is your DM has tried to pull focus when all attention should have been on you and your new baby.

“Yes baby is cute, but remember what your mother did!?” then every birthday “remember when you brought DC home from hospital and your mum had done all that work?”

I would be keeping at her a serious distance, she can cry all she likes. She completely ruined it for herself.

You think it's "developing country ish" for a baby to be cared for by one of their parents as opposed to receiving care from a random healthcare worker who is unknown to them?

It sounds like you don't know very much about how infants form attachment and the importance of this re their overall health.

If only! I didn't get any food the night I gave birth because I'd "missed dinner". I've never been so hungry.

Apart from the intrusion, what she's done is really judgemental. It was 'too plain'. You need to tell her that.

How would she feel if you told her, her dress sense was awful or her house was ugly.

I do think you need to tell her how you feel.
It wasn't really help - it was making your sitting room how she would like it.

Personally, I'd rather the nurses did it. I remember being woken up around midnight with my second child and being asked if I wished to feed her - I intended (and succeeded in) breastfeeding. My polite response was no, you do it. Which is what happened, so DD's first feed was from a bottle.

It sounds like you both have quite domineering mums so not coming first in this situation is going to be an adjustment for them. You, baby and DH sound like an incredible unit though so you just need to stay strong.

I’m sure both will come round when you’re ready to let them in as neither will be able to reconcile being an absent granny with their perception of themselves.