DM redecorated my lounge

[Blubstering]

I KNOW I’m not BU but need to know how to handle this. NC because I’ve spoken to a few people IRL.

I’ve recently had a baby and was in hospital for just over a week. DH was with me most of that time including the first 4 days where he was in with me overnight due to some complications (I had sepsis) and him needing to look after the baby while I wasn’t able to.

Anyway, during those first 4 days, my usually lovely mum decided to completely redecorate my living room. It did not need decorating, it was done fairly recently and we’d just painted it a soft taupy off white, which complimented our existing oak furniture nicely. It was simple but warm.

Mum has painted it a mid grey on 2 walls and royal purple on the other 2 walls. It looks absolutely awful.

DH came home and saw it but didn’t tell me what had happened until the day I came home. He warned me, and when we got home mum was there all smiles and proud of herself thinking she had done a nice thing for us. I felt like one of those people on Changing Rooms the mid 2000’s when they had to stand next to Carol Smiley and pretend to love their new rooms when absolutely everyone in the room knew it looked absolutely dire. She’s not even done a neat job, the purples smudged into the grey walls in the corners and there’s purple on the window frames too.

I said something about feeling very tired and mum took the hint and left but did seem quite off, then I just cried and then went to bed. Mum then texted me and said ‘what do you think??’ So I took the opportunity and replied ‘I really appreciate the thought mum but it’s not our taste, I wish you’d asked us first xx’ which I think was fairly balanced.

I then got a phone call from my dad to say mum was in bits and very offended I’m not more grateful for her efforts and she was only trying to do something nice for us. So I said that I appreciated that but reiterated the colour isn’t to our taste and we hadn’t long since decorated the living room the way we wanted it. He said ‘yes but it was far too plain’… I’m not sure what happened but I’m so tired I physically felt like I couldn’t talk anymore so I just put the phone down.

Anyway the upshot is my parents are now no longer speaking to me and I’ve got a new baby so could really use their support. How do I fix this??

The other party might choose to escalate further, but I wouldn't rise to it personally, so for me yes that would be the end.

Oh get in the sea! I hope you're not a MIL. Imagine having the utter audacity to decide a house that isn't your own should be painted in colours not chosen by the homeowner and giving new parents another thing to worry about on top of recovery and a newborn. Don't be ridiculous. It is an utterly outrageous overstep that the OP does not have to be "grateful" for.

OP, I too would be absolutely fuming. I'd make her come back and return it to the condition it was before she interfered. How dare she.

@hwi totally unacceptable post to someone who has just been through a awful ordeal and has come home to this. It's not fair and not nice.

I agree with pps who say just leave them to it for a bit. Don't give them the decorator bill (if you can afford it), and give short, delayed replies when they message you, until they apologise.

Postpartum sepsis is NO JOKE. I hope dh is taking good care of you op.

This is not on you to fix! Ignore them, concentrate on enjoying your wee one, and be unavailable for anything except their grovelling apologies.

Change the locks, redecorate, and send them the bill for both.

If they don't pay up promptly, I'd be tempted to pop round with some cans of spray paint and 'decorate' their living room in return 😇.

Can she not stay in an hotel or air B&B?
I get that she wants to see her grandchild, but it’s early days and you definitely don’t need to be hosting with a very young baby around.

This is out of character (sort of) for them - mum can be overbearing and they always think their opinions are the only right way to think, but they’ve never done anything like this before.

In my experience; and that of my friends, overbearing parents who think they’re always right tend to step it up in increasingly absurd ways when a baby comes along.

Ignore it, focus on your baby and your recovery. You’ll really regret it if you don’t. My memories of my babies early months are all marred massively by trying to keep parents/in-laws happy, and I should have just ignored them and carried on. You get this time once. It shows how much more important they feel it is to be in control and allowed to do what they want over spending time with you and their grandchild… and that says it all. You can’t change them.

You’re not being ungrateful at all; you’d had to be truly odd to be grateful for someone secretly painting your house a bright and obnoxious colour after you’d just finished decorating, and doing it badly to boot…

Christ I feel sorry for your children. Who needs enemies when you've got parents like this.

Take the key back and let her pay the painter. She needs to fix that - not you.

That behavior is absolutely bananas- especially her being now mad. The audacity!

YANBU. I would be incandescent with anger if someone did this in my house. How dare they?

Get your parents to pay for a professional decorator to restore it to how it should be.

In case they have keys, change the locks on your front and back doors.

See/speak to them far, far less often (if at all).

You're doing the right thing to repaint the lounge - it's your house and if they can't see how wrong they are that's their problem.
You could always suggest they paint their own lounge grey and mauve (yuck!)

With parents as foolish as this it's hard to say if their support would actually be any help - better to make mistakes with the colour of your lounge than the care of your baby. And if they're going to carry on being silly about it you can do without the bother. And you don't have to have MIL to stay if not convenient!

Good intentions maybe, but doing things to other people's homes without their permission isn't okay. Getting some balloons and putting a banner up would be appropriate decoration for welcoming someone home from hospital with their new baby, not bloody turning their front room into a dishevelled Cadbury's chocolate box!

Do you see this being something you'll be able to move past, if your parents stop playing the victim?

Accepting there was good intent, this is such a bizarre thing to do. And the idea that you’d want to come home from extended time in hospital with a newborn to paint fumes. And then your mum chasing you for a response to her painting when surely the focus should be on your health and new baby.

You Dad sounds like a massive enabler - and the cheek to tell you your decor was ‘too plain’. Ignore all the weeping and guilt trips. Make sure you get you key back and don’t let them have it again!

@Lavender14 can we give troll calling a rest.
I've been traumatised over the years by my in laws and when I've written about their horrible actions I've been called a troll which details the thread and cuts off help which is what mn is supposed to be about

This absolutely deranged.

Even if you ignore the decorating (which is a completely ridiculous thing for someone to do) the only rational reaction to the person not liking it is massive apologies, not doubling down and being offended!

OP I hope you and baby are doing well.

I then got a phone call from my dad to say mum was in bits and very offended I’m not more grateful for her efforts and she was only trying to do something nice for us.

What is wrong with people? Let her stew, you have more important things to be dealing with right now.

ODFOD

So sorry OP, your DM is batshit for doing this. Have it repainted and send her the bill. And change the locks as PPs have suggested.

I can see as mil is 8 hours away she can’t do a day visit, however @Blubstering can your dh explain what you are dealing with, including the mess your mum has made of the lounge, and suggest a travelodge.

Oh piss off! I'll come round and paint your house then - you best be thankful

You were far too diplomatic.

I would have been telling her how utterly unacceptable and overbearing it was to decorate without being asked. And I would make sure she gives back her key.

I would additionally be making clear that guilting tripping when it was HER behaviour that was wrong is equally unacceptable and until I received an apology she would not be welcome in my home again.

I bet you they will come round OP. They most likely are sulking for a bit, but haven’t cut you off. They still love you after all and will soon be desperate to build a relationship with their new grandchild.

Wait a few days, then invite them over / ask for help, as if nothing has happened. If they bring it up or act huffy, just say “I know your hearts were in the right place, it doesn’t really matter in the grand scheme of things does it. You’re not holding it against me, are you? It’s just paint after all?”

And hopefully it will blow over.
They may even offer to fix it, once the air has cleared.

I agree that you were remarkably diplomatic, given the circumstances. Just ignore them for now and enjoy your new baby. The ILs can stay in a hotel when you feel you are ready to see them. DH needs to make it VERY clear to them just how ill you were and still are.

Just remembered my mum did the same and couldn't understand why I was upset/furious

I just felt like nothing was mine

ultimately this isn’t the time to go into battle

id text “ whilst I appreciate it was done with good intentions can we draw a line under this and move on . I don’t feel it’s productive to rake over it I would sooner put it behind us”