DM redecorated my lounge

[Blubstering]

I KNOW I’m not BU but need to know how to handle this. NC because I’ve spoken to a few people IRL.

I’ve recently had a baby and was in hospital for just over a week. DH was with me most of that time including the first 4 days where he was in with me overnight due to some complications (I had sepsis) and him needing to look after the baby while I wasn’t able to.

Anyway, during those first 4 days, my usually lovely mum decided to completely redecorate my living room. It did not need decorating, it was done fairly recently and we’d just painted it a soft taupy off white, which complimented our existing oak furniture nicely. It was simple but warm.

Mum has painted it a mid grey on 2 walls and royal purple on the other 2 walls. It looks absolutely awful.

DH came home and saw it but didn’t tell me what had happened until the day I came home. He warned me, and when we got home mum was there all smiles and proud of herself thinking she had done a nice thing for us. I felt like one of those people on Changing Rooms the mid 2000’s when they had to stand next to Carol Smiley and pretend to love their new rooms when absolutely everyone in the room knew it looked absolutely dire. She’s not even done a neat job, the purples smudged into the grey walls in the corners and there’s purple on the window frames too.

I said something about feeling very tired and mum took the hint and left but did seem quite off, then I just cried and then went to bed. Mum then texted me and said ‘what do you think??’ So I took the opportunity and replied ‘I really appreciate the thought mum but it’s not our taste, I wish you’d asked us first xx’ which I think was fairly balanced.

I then got a phone call from my dad to say mum was in bits and very offended I’m not more grateful for her efforts and she was only trying to do something nice for us. So I said that I appreciated that but reiterated the colour isn’t to our taste and we hadn’t long since decorated the living room the way we wanted it. He said ‘yes but it was far too plain’… I’m not sure what happened but I’m so tired I physically felt like I couldn’t talk anymore so I just put the phone down.

Anyway the upshot is my parents are now no longer speaking to me and I’ve got a new baby so could really use their support. How do I fix this??

Firstly OP your mother was completely out of order. Obviously. I would be furious. BUT you've got bigger stuff going on and unless you feel like she's generally batshit/mean/weird I don't think it's worth ending the relationship over.

Honestly? I would just paint the room back. Then send your mum a card that basically says ' I know it came from a good place but I wish you'd asked me/it wasn't to our taste (and you can't paint my husband's house without asking, let alone mine) But I want to be able to have you spend time with me and baby so can we draw line under it and move on? Love you xx'

I had a baby with no family in the country and it's hard - and not worth losing your parents over. Even if you do eventually pull back for other reasons I would wait for one that came from a bad place - which this clearly did not.

And congrats on the baby and being home and on the mend :-)

Can you ask them to ask their own friends their opinion of what they have done. It is astounding to me that they have made such a bold choice! I can’t imagine anyone in their right mind saying, “oh yes you’ve done a lovely thing and your daughter should be grateful”

Or do you have siblings who would be on your side? Maybe if they hear it from a numeral party they will realise they have been unreasonable.

A relative by marriage cut her elbow falling on an escalator on her way to work.
Tiny graze - barely worthy of thought- A few days later she was in Intensive Care overseas on holiday with sepsis- and she had two DC with her-
She too nearly died, but no one in the family thought to have painted their sitting room.
It would be a gross overstepping of boundaries.

She's done this for attention. Everyone will be looking at baby and checking you. She's made this about her.

The only way anything like this would be ok would maybe if you were half way through decorating and went to labour. If they then finished it your choice of colour and tidied up for you. Otherwise. Batshit.

Definitely some kind of jealousy.

She was hopefully trying to do something nice for you (although very misjudged) - maybe even it was some sort of displacement activity because she was so worried about you.

If you normally get on OK with your parents, give it some time (ideally when the re-decorating is being done), then invite them round to see you and the baby. Don't mention the decorating but if they do, just say calm 'Thanks but we prefer it this way.' No further discussing or arguing required.

Be careful though not to allow any further overstepping with DC!

Congratulations on the new arrival and finally being back home after such a hard time.

Not as serious, but when I got my first home it was all cream and gold. I absolutely loved choosing it all.
A few months in I went on holiday for 10 days and upon my return my mum says she has a surprise for me.
My bedroom was done in the most hideous wallpaper, like a marbled potato print, with a squiggled dado rail all the way around. It was hideous. I absolutely hated it.
She did it when I lived at home a few times and my dad used to say…
She loves the decorating but it also gives her a good excuse to empty your bedroom and search through it all. Which was true - it would be the only room she wanted to change.
You can’t redecorate another person’s home and cry when they don’t like it. It’s really bad and then your dad having a go - not nice.

This sounds like a good approach. This aside they do sound pretty good ❤️

Congratulations on your new baby.

I can't believe there are people who think you are being unreasonable. They must be wet lettuce people pleasers.

As soon as you are up to it get the lounge painted back as it was. Don't leave it as it will just wind you up.

Your mum is being very manipulative with the tears and your dad is useless. Too plain. The bloody cheek of them. It's not their house!

You don’t have to fix this: they’ve fucked up here, not you. Your job is to recover from what sounds like a horrendous birth, and bond with your lovely new baby.

Get it redecorated asap, send them the bill, get the key back or change the locks.

Then forget about it – for now. Don’t dwell on it or let it fester while you’re in a raw, emotional, hormonal state – just park it all somewhere until you’re recovered. Focus on physical and mental recovery, and watching 8000 hours of Netflix in your back-to-normal sitting room while eating cake and staring at your baby. At some point, you can have the conversation with them but it’s not going to go well while you’re raw and exhausted. Let DH be gatekeeper to MIL’s visits and your parents’ bluster – that’s his job. 💐

Oh I absolutely agree with you. In fact, I was just thinking this morning about how your own newly painted sitting room isn’t really to my taste. But don’t worry, I’ve got two tins of lovely paint, army green (the sludge green) and black. It’ll look amazing! Just have a serious medical episode and leave your keys under the doormat for me. I’m so excited 🥳.

I'm very sorry about that

But I cannot abide all this emotional manipulation bollocks.

Was your Mum very excited for the new baby - I wonder if its triggered a maternal 'nesting' thing in her and left unsupervised for a few days she's lost all sense of reason, hurtled off into this redecorating plan... and either not realised or more likely, realised part way through but by then was committed and generally of a 'Im right, everything I do is right' attitude anyway so there was no going back.

I'd send them the bill, for sure - 'please can you pay this and we can move on. New Baby is waiting to see you soon...'

I would be fucking furious though, not at the paint but at the behaviour following it.

I’m not convinced this is a mistaken attempt at a nice gesture. It feels like it could actually just be controlling. Don’t be surprised if she tries to dominate how your raise your child. If you can afford to get it repainted quickly then get it done. If you’re feeling particularly brave then send them the bill, though I’m not sure I could manage it. I think you’ve handled it really well. Just stay calm and firm. It is not what you wanted, she knew you’d just done it how you wanted. It was too plain for her, but you are different and entitled to make your own decisions.

I don’t want him to really - in the same way I would leave dealing with MIL to him, I expect him to leave my parents to me. He’s having enough bother at the moment with MIL and her extended family wanting to visit and telling them no until I’m feeling better which is going down like cold sick. MIL wants to come and stay with us for 2 days (she lives 8 hours away) so DH is fighting that battle.

You were very diplomatic and did well not to bring up that Changing Rooms analogy which says it all.

I was sent to boarding school at age 10. I got home for Christmas and my bedroom had been lovingly redecorated bright pink. I hate pink. Always have. I can really relate to that frustration of having had something taken away, feeling angry and a bit violated, and yet being expected to express gratitude and lie to protect their feelings.

I disagree with some PPs. I think casting it as a "bitch move" etc is unhelpful. I prefer to think of it that she tried to do something nice, got it spectacularly wrong and then doubled down. Attack is the best form of defence and all that. But if she's anything like my mum she will never in a million years admit to any misjudgement on her part.

Focus on what you want going forward. Changing the locks would be proportionate and less inflammatory than asking for your key back. With a newborn you need a secure "nest" for them and your parents have shat all over that so it's important you make it feel "safe" again. But I think it's easier for you to get over if you frame it that she must have meant well somehow, underneath, however wrong she was.

I'm inclined to let them stew for a bit. They will probably reach out for baby photos soon. If they bang on about them feeling hurt then you move the conversation onto more neutral topics or you can counter with how you feel hurt and try to get an apology out of them. Don't let them keep the conversation on your mum's feelings. Don't talk to them about the redecoration. Talking about this with friends is good, don't bury your anger.

@JLou08 yes but to then make op feel guilty doesn't sound right.

Yes I wondered this too. A sort of nervous energy maybe totally stressed out with worry and channelled it wrongly into something utterly bonkers! Is that possible?
Maybe then in the future this will be the sort of thing laughed about when someone else is having a baby. A sort of conversation along the lines of 'remember when I was in labour mum and you went off the rails with anxiety and butchered my house'. And maybe you can respond now in a way that let's you respond 'you're bloody lucky I took it in such good humour'. ❤️

I've survived postpartum sepsis and pph. I could have died. I do not feel "blessed". I feel fucking traumatised, though less now 4 years on.

"Blessings" would be not getting sepsis or PPH at all, to state the bleeding obvious. Dark-humour-pun intended.

Yes, they’re controlling and overbearing. The ‘far too plain’ comment is a red flag, too, they seem oblivious to the fact that this is YOUR house, not theirs and that others have different tastes and that’s ok. The fact they’ve done this when you were giving birth and then ill be treats a total lack of empathy.

Your mum SHOULD be feeling bad. This is an appropriate feeling for her to have in the circumstances. But I’d be willing to bet she doesn’t feel bad because she realises she did wrong. She feels bad because she thinks you’re ungrateful.

If you don’t lay down a very firm boundary now, they will consistently violate your boundaries and overrule you repeatedly with your child. It just gets worse from here unless you stand up for yourself. Good luck and I’m sorry you have this to deal with right now.

@Hwi so because your friend unfortunately died OP somehow has to be grateful for someone disrespecting her boundaries and destroying her lounge?!

As soon as they go on holiday, get round there and do the place up.
I'm thinking full on purple, glow stars, lime green, and you can dip all your hands in the silver paint and make a fingerprint dado rail! How cute.
Can you get animal print wall paper?

It’s actually intrusive. I’d feel like I’d been burgled

@mustwashmycurtains no, that's op saying she's wrong and can we please put this nasty episode behind us is appeaseing someone who needs to know they have definitely done wrong.

Yes, this is one of the even crazier things about her behaviour. Her DD was extremely ill in hospital and things could potentially have ended up heartbreakingly.

But instead of spending time trying to offer practical help, easing any burdens that they could, visiting her if she's up to it and actually wanting to see her brand new grandchild, her primary urgent concern is "Hmm, their chosen decor is a bit boring and not to MY taste at all".

Even if you had told her that you wanted it redecorated badly in that exact same colour scheme, but just hadn't had the time, you'd still think she would consider that supporting you with your health concerns and all that comes with welcoming, establishing and looking after a new baby would be a much higher priority for the time being. Nothing to stop her waiting until you all went on holiday before doing it as a nice surprise to come home to if you'd expressly told her that's exactly what you wanted.