DM redecorated my lounge

[Blubstering]

I KNOW I’m not BU but need to know how to handle this. NC because I’ve spoken to a few people IRL.

I’ve recently had a baby and was in hospital for just over a week. DH was with me most of that time including the first 4 days where he was in with me overnight due to some complications (I had sepsis) and him needing to look after the baby while I wasn’t able to.

Anyway, during those first 4 days, my usually lovely mum decided to completely redecorate my living room. It did not need decorating, it was done fairly recently and we’d just painted it a soft taupy off white, which complimented our existing oak furniture nicely. It was simple but warm.

Mum has painted it a mid grey on 2 walls and royal purple on the other 2 walls. It looks absolutely awful.

DH came home and saw it but didn’t tell me what had happened until the day I came home. He warned me, and when we got home mum was there all smiles and proud of herself thinking she had done a nice thing for us. I felt like one of those people on Changing Rooms the mid 2000’s when they had to stand next to Carol Smiley and pretend to love their new rooms when absolutely everyone in the room knew it looked absolutely dire. She’s not even done a neat job, the purples smudged into the grey walls in the corners and there’s purple on the window frames too.

I said something about feeling very tired and mum took the hint and left but did seem quite off, then I just cried and then went to bed. Mum then texted me and said ‘what do you think??’ So I took the opportunity and replied ‘I really appreciate the thought mum but it’s not our taste, I wish you’d asked us first xx’ which I think was fairly balanced.

I then got a phone call from my dad to say mum was in bits and very offended I’m not more grateful for her efforts and she was only trying to do something nice for us. So I said that I appreciated that but reiterated the colour isn’t to our taste and we hadn’t long since decorated the living room the way we wanted it. He said ‘yes but it was far too plain’… I’m not sure what happened but I’m so tired I physically felt like I couldn’t talk anymore so I just put the phone down.

Anyway the upshot is my parents are now no longer speaking to me and I’ve got a new baby so could really use their support. How do I fix this??

from what the OP has said, the answer is yes she is!

The very same thing happened to me and my ex. We had separate properties and while on holiday both mum's decided that our flats were too drab and needed an uplift. His mum totally repainted his living room a really dark brown colour and my mum rearranged my furniture and removed the TV because we don't need TVs in social areas!!! Bonkers. I was astounded at the fact that they thought they had every right to do what they wanted. After that we never allowed them to have keys. Did the trick.

I have soft neutral colours in my home and it feels calm and relaxed. Just ideal after a stressful, exhausting week in hospital. Having Cadbury purple walls staring at me would be horrible and until you get it painted over, a constant reminder of what she did. This first week at home should have been a really special time and she's spoilt it for both of you. She did this.

Not many op will agree with me but I do wonder if your mum just wanted to do something 'big/impressive for her little girl who is now herself a mother!?
Don't get me wrong I would've hated that too, but she wouldn't have wanted to hurt you at all, (just tell her it was an expensive mistake on her part & can she please get it corrected to your own taste/colour!) despite being way off the mark. I mean... Purple! 😬

A Moment of madness maybe! (My mum once crossed the street when she saw me so she wouldn't have to acknowledge me). Hopefully you'll all eventually see the funny/crazy side in a few years...just threaten to come over with the purple paint to redecorate her home, if she ever pi**es you off! I think when she realises how wrong she got it, she'll be mortified. & Congratulations on your gorgeous new bundle of joy! 💕

The only way this would be acceptable is if you had bought the paint, told her exactly what walls you wanted purple , mentioned how tired you were and she’d had hired a professional to surprise you ( with your oh agreement )
then
it would have been a nice surprise

defo post them the bill for repairs , I’d be so upset at the expense and drama at a time when you needed peace

Sorry OP, as much as you may think you need them and their support you know it will come with strings attached. You said your mum is overbearing there is a counterpoint to bridezilla which is ‘nanzilla’. If she can do this, she will not look after your child to your methods and it doesn’t look like your dad is any better or can influence her. Some people are more effort than the support they offer. And if they can go in a huff and put their feelings above yours after everything you have been through, they don’t deserve to be in your life. Hold the line that you are serious - they need to apologise and show contrition.

To get through this focus on you/ baby and forget anything more than basic house sh*t until you feel better.

it is lovely to hear about a caring man pulling his weight. Can you afford for him to have unpaid leave?

Not sure if you will see this as you’ve had so many replies but can I say I think you’re handling this amazingly.

You’ve had such a difficult start to motherhood and I think you and the baby have been lost in all this (by your parents / MIL)

I hope your husband and friends are making you feel special and looked after. You’re doing an amazing job and handling so much all at a vulnerable time - well done!!!

ps congratulations on your little one ❤️❤️❤️ very glad you are both safe and getting back to feeling a little more yourself (takes forever lol)

From what I read both set of parents sound very similar , only one is people you love . . Anyhow the behavior of your mother is so weird that I would be worried about a form of illness

Honestly if they think this is reasonable behaviour then I wouldn’t trust them to look after your child ever. Unless you want to risk your child coming back with their hair cut or ears pierced etc

It wasn’t really done to be ‘nice’; it was to replace a too ‘plain’ colour the OP had chosen. In other words, it was a way of telling the OP she doesn’t like her taste. It’s not her business. If OP wants yellow walls with red spots and a unicorn mural that’s OP’s call.

Blubstering, I agree with everything you’ve written above.
Your mum was clearly very worried about you, and did thi s to take her mind off it all / surprise or cheer you. She got it wrong.

Once you speak to her, see her, it will all be okay. You need her now, for you & the baby. I think you are a caring, understanding daughter.

Awwww, what a nightmare, I really feel for you.

Firstly congratulations on the baby and thank goodness you're on the mend. It sounds like a very scary experience and your first baby so that's huge anyway.

In your shoes I'd bury the hatchet ASAP even if it means apologising for hurting your mums feelings or similar. Get them round and get them helping. The thing is, disappointing though it was that it kinda grenaded your return from hospital, it's done and it's over. People are so weird. Your mum had somehow built it up in her own head that this was a really lovely gesture. It was probably displaced nervous energy from her helplessness at you being critically ill. Absolutely batshit but we humans are weird when under extreme stress. I have made some bizarro crafted gifts for people in similar situations. My sister had an exceptionally long and difficult labour with her first, and my mum was beside herself. I spent two solid days making a pair of weird socks out of a nubbly strangely coloured yarn.

As I handed them over I suddenly had a moment of clarity as to what I'd done and how weird they were. The yarn was really expensive and they took forever, but as I handed them over I had no words. I just mumbled "I know you like rainbow colours" as we stared at them in horror. I then said "don't feel you have to keep them, I think it was just therapeutic to make them for you because I was so worried".

If my sister had actually recoiled in horror instead of politely accepting them (then hopefully putting them in the bin), I'd have been upset because it was a heartfelt gesture, invested with all the emotion of standing by on tenterhooks all through that labour. Albeit the gift itself wasn't terribly successful. 🙄

Try to make a joke of it because I suspect in the long run you will all look back and laugh. "Remember when you had X and your mum redecorated your living room thinking you'd like it" 🤣🤣🤣

weird socks are not the same as entering someone's house and repainting a room. Hve you RTFT? The parents have form for infantilising their child and this is just the latest most shocking example.

I too am just wondering if your mum literally went mad with fear and can’t now see she was behaving completely crazily. Enjoy your lovely baby.

You & DH have got this - as they say. You two are doing all the right things in the right way to support each other, you don't need mothers clucking and interfering, all you need is their support and understanding first and foremost, they are causing drama and you're both waving the red flag. Your priorities are you 3.

Your reasoning is sound and your observations during your upbringing have taught you that you don't want to be like your parents, you'll do things your way for your child's benefit, not your own. You sound just like me, I said "I'm 40 not 17, I know my own mind and what I want, I also know what I don't want" My DH took his mum's side, I think she was still secretly breast feeding him and the apron strings worked for them both. I battled with him for 3 years, always the same thing "my mum wants". Bye then, I'm done.

Sounds like your DH is a man, not a manchild - you'll be absolutely fine xx

I’m not sure this post is genuine but if it is, I would be watching out now you have a child it sounds as though your DM likes to take control

Oh !
I think you’ve been very restrained. I’d be really angry !
The last thing you need is having the painters in when you have just given birth and you have a long recovery !
Helpful would have been to do a thorough clean , do your ironing, catch up with laundry for you and fill your fridge with food you like .
They really ought to pay for the professionals to redecorate !
My mum when she visited after I’d had my first baby , honestly she fussed rather than actually helping , asked me endless questions about things that really didn’t matter when I was exhausted.
And she shrunk lots of clothes 😩 “ helping “
But thats nothing compared to what your mum has done

Paint their lounge. Assert dominance.

It genuinely sounds like your Mum has done this to get your attention and it’s weird.
Are you an only child? Not wanting to talk to you flagged you’ve just given birth AND had sepsis which is scary as hell, makes her sound awful. She seems jealous you have your own family and is trying to get revenge on you!

try and rest, recover, focus on baby. parents will come round at some point. just say the same thing you said all along. its diplomatic, truthful and honestly .. very forgiving. i don't know how you managed to do that, but you did good!
i dont know anyone who would do this, at such a time, and think they were helping by not consulting and asking, And your dad's comments that it was too plain is also bloody ridiculous.
Do they think that you are still a child, is it your first child? Just know that you have to start putting boundaries in place. It sounds like they are possibly trying to unconsciously keep you as their baby, and them as knowing what's good for you. You really will have to tackle that and put boundaries in place i think.
Sorry i haven't read the full thread which i think is a criminal offence here, but it really does sound like they want to help, but in an overbearing parental way that infantalises you in the process. It may suit them, but will be a disaster for you and your partner and family.
Congratulations on new baby and i do hope that you can recover and rest despite the upset. And enjoy.
Hopefully you'll be able to laugh about it in years to come (unless your mom is highly anxious and unrelaxed).
Sounds like you did amazing to keep your cool.

nobody has a 'perfect' relationship with anybody, romantic, friendship or familial, but it is so weird how you don't seem to understand how utterly batshit and outside of any social norms your mums actions are and are prepared to minimise it and just go on with things.

If I came home and my mother had done the same I would honestly be trying to make a referral to her doctor to check for early onset dementia or a stroke or something, because it's such utterly bizarre behaviour.

But your mum's reaction when you raised it is even worse - I could almost understand someone making a one-off crazy mistake, but the fact that their reaction is to be upset at you, given everything you've been through, and be prepared not to meet their grandchild, is horrible.

Why don't you mention it to your HV/midwife when they come to visit - they will be used to all sorts of crazy family shenanigans, yet I bet even they will be concerned.

You handled it as well as anyone could. They were both very much in the wrong. Maybe you shouldn’t have hung up on your dad though without a explanation. He won’t necessarily assume you were too tired, he’ll possibly just interpret it as being dismissive. I would send a quick text saying you put the phone down from mental exhaustion and that you would be so grateful if they could see it from your point of view. Then explain how much you loved your beige choice. Kill them with kindness. It’ll make them realise they’ve been the arseholes here and hopefully the guilt will make them offer to repaint it. Best way to shame someone is by showing them how reasonable and polite you are by comparison. They’ll feel like a couple of heels and hopefully soon offer to do lots to help to make up for it. Win win.

This is so weird! Who is old want that? You’ve had a baby you’d love to come home to a nice cosy house with a few meals in the freezer I’m sure… not redecoration in their choice of colours!
The fact she isn’t happy with you about the reaction would make me tell her to fuck off! You don’t need her help.
As for the MIL- Jesus entitled much! Well done for putting your foot down.

Trust me you sound like you have a nice DH- you don’t need anyone else to help. Especially not people who put their feelings above yours.

Neither my parents nor MIL helped us and I am proud I didn’t need them!!

I would have been absolutely furious .
This is so out of order . Even if your living room did need decorating it’s not up to your DM to choose the colour scheme
I would be asking her to return and put it back to how it was . It’s not her place to be upset - she needs to be apologising

What a strange and stupid thing to do …