DM redecorated my lounge

[Blubstering]

I KNOW I’m not BU but need to know how to handle this. NC because I’ve spoken to a few people IRL.

I’ve recently had a baby and was in hospital for just over a week. DH was with me most of that time including the first 4 days where he was in with me overnight due to some complications (I had sepsis) and him needing to look after the baby while I wasn’t able to.

Anyway, during those first 4 days, my usually lovely mum decided to completely redecorate my living room. It did not need decorating, it was done fairly recently and we’d just painted it a soft taupy off white, which complimented our existing oak furniture nicely. It was simple but warm.

Mum has painted it a mid grey on 2 walls and royal purple on the other 2 walls. It looks absolutely awful.

DH came home and saw it but didn’t tell me what had happened until the day I came home. He warned me, and when we got home mum was there all smiles and proud of herself thinking she had done a nice thing for us. I felt like one of those people on Changing Rooms the mid 2000’s when they had to stand next to Carol Smiley and pretend to love their new rooms when absolutely everyone in the room knew it looked absolutely dire. She’s not even done a neat job, the purples smudged into the grey walls in the corners and there’s purple on the window frames too.

I said something about feeling very tired and mum took the hint and left but did seem quite off, then I just cried and then went to bed. Mum then texted me and said ‘what do you think??’ So I took the opportunity and replied ‘I really appreciate the thought mum but it’s not our taste, I wish you’d asked us first xx’ which I think was fairly balanced.

I then got a phone call from my dad to say mum was in bits and very offended I’m not more grateful for her efforts and she was only trying to do something nice for us. So I said that I appreciated that but reiterated the colour isn’t to our taste and we hadn’t long since decorated the living room the way we wanted it. He said ‘yes but it was far too plain’… I’m not sure what happened but I’m so tired I physically felt like I couldn’t talk anymore so I just put the phone down.

Anyway the upshot is my parents are now no longer speaking to me and I’ve got a new baby so could really use their support. How do I fix this??

@Audiprettier the gesture may have been in good faith but it's hard to accept it as so with her mums reaction after. Surely you would feel embarrassed and apologised
It's taken presidency over ops trauma and new baby

Congratulations on your baby! I'm sorry that you are struggling with complications following the birth. Sounds your DH is a good 'un though.

What on earth was your mum thinking!? Even if you had loved it, who wants a house stinking of paint when recovering from childbirth and looking after a newborn! I find myself completely unable to step into her shoes and get even a fleeting glimpse of where she might be coming from.

This does not look like a gesture made with love. If it was well meaning, she would be absolutely contrite that she had upset you. She's not. She's having a big huff when you are at your most vulnerable, and at a time when she could be your greatest support (with your DH of course!) She is purposefully withdrawing her love when it is needed, and it is spiteful and weird.

Sorry I've not read all your posts (I know!) but is she the sort of person who loves to be the centre of attention, and your giving birth has shifted you to the centre and she is trying to reclaim it?

My thoughts are hunker down with your lovely new baby and your lovely DH. You are poorly and need to take it easy and slow. Keep visits with other family brief while you recover. For the moment, don't give your parents another thought. Let them have their prima donna hissy fit on their own.Don't give them any oxygen. You don't have time (ever to be honest) for this ridiculous behaviour. Your initial response was incredibly kind and measured. You also very respectfully asserted your boundaries. So ignore them for now and focus on your new family unit. xxx

Perfect.

oh my god?? i’m so sorry this has happened. you’re not being unreasonable. it is very weird to redecorate someone’s house as a surprise, even if the gesture is kindly meant. if my parents redecorated my house without warning me i would be very pissed off, and if they then acted like i was somehow being unreasonable for feeling upset about it, i would be even more pissed off. you’re in the right here. your parents (should) see sense eventually and in the mean time perhaps you could send an email laying out your thoughts to your parents (sometimes it’s easier to write down how you feel rather than attempt to make direct contact that could escalate and turn into another argument).

has your mum always done things like this or is this a recent development? her overreaction and initial poor judgement/impulsivity are a little concerning to me and remind me a little of my own behaviour (i have bpd and adhd and tend to make some… interesting choices and have some similarly interesting emotional reactions).

anyway, i hope you’re able to resolve things. all the best to you!

My parents are dead. I was close to them both, Dad gone 41 years and mum 19.

I was very close with my mum , and she was my friend too and an enormous support with my DC. I miss her terribly everyday, and my dad although he was gone when I was eighteen. They were neither of them perfect or anything like. We didn’t always agree, but neither of them would have overstepped, never mind double down on it like this. I simply cannot agree that we can all identify anything “ toxic” about our parents. That’s something quite different.

TBH if your parents are overbearing and they aren't talking to you at the moment I would take this as a chance to rest and recuperate and leave them to it. Time enough for them to be overbearing when you are healed and not suffering from sleep deprivation and soreness.

This is a 'them' problem not a 'you' problem so don't make it a 'you' problem.

OP big congrats to you & your DH on the birth of your 1st baby!

Im only sorry that you have had medical complications at the hospital and ended up being so ill. Considering what you have been going through with that you are coping amazingly well.

Focus on the 3 of you. Now is a special time to be treasured with your little one under normal circumstances let alone with what you are recovering from. So those that dont understand or fit in with your needs at this time need to be reminded that its you, DH & baby that are focus not them!

Re your DM & DF - well I would have been completely Fd Off to come home to my lounge being repainted without my permission at any time (and in a style I hate), let alone after childbirth and nearly dying from an infection. I would have been Mount Vesuvius but can understand why you havent felt well enough to do that plus have been admirably more restrained than I would have been!

I think alot has been said re the 'surprise' already, so wont repeat. What I would say though is if your parents like to be 'right' all the time & impose that on you to belittle your thoughts choices, then they their Nightmare Lounge Decoration Job has given you & your DH the perfect weapon to counter them being domineering in the future. Id use it in a humourous way but as a useful put downbwhen needed.... 'Oh nb that when..... yep that was such a nightmare coming back to with the baby when I was still so ill.....

Re your MIL. Hmmm I hear you & sympathise - my InLaws were awful too. So nb this:

1. Its your right to live your life the way you want to. My MiL was like her too, & after trying to bend over backwards for a number of years to get her approval I eventually decided S😉d It!

1. If she & the other relatives cant understand you dont want to be innundated straight away then stuff them.

1. Hospitals now say newborns shouldnt be picked up & cuddled by other people who arent the parents when they are first brought home. Cant nb how long a time it is, but its something I was told by one of my patients I look after when her grand daughter brought her firstborn home a couple of months ago.

So if your MiL doesnt or cant understand you need visitors who help not guests to be waited on then tough.

By the way as a 1st time mum with new baby PLEASE take advantage of any visitors to help you. Get them to make drinks, help with quick odd jobs you dont feel up to!

Must tell you funny story which I think after your Lounge experience might make you smile. My MiL's mother was a manic depressive. When she was on a High she was High, manic, interferring& very impulsive. She would steam roller over everyone in the family. When she was Low she would be really depressed & just give up on what she was doing. You never knew what version you would come across.

My DH told me that his DM & DF took him & his sister out for the day. It was before mobile phones or even answerphones on landlines.

When they came back in the evening they found that every single kitchen cupboard & drawer had been emptied and everything was left on the sudes, kitchen table & floor. They were gobsmacked! It took hours to get everything put away. When my MiL called her mum up, it turned out that she had come over in the morning, found out no one was home so had let herself in. Then in 'powered up' mode she had decided to re arrange all their kitchen cupboards. By the time she had emptied everything out, she had come down from her High and got bored so left the kitchen as it was. She didnt think there was a problem & got quite huffy when challenged. Its something my FIL brought up in the future when she would get awkward!🤣🤣🤣

Take care of yourself OP. Xxx

OP I've read all your posts but not all the thread.

Like you I'm an only child of a mum who believed she was always right and barely saw me as an individual. Codependency galore. Like for your mum, me giving birth triggered massive fears in her, so it became all about her (She phoned the hospital repeatedly and had hysterics when they wouldn't give her any information because of confidentiality. After 48 hours of labour, where then DH had been really supportive and there all the time, the midwives insisted he go straight and phone her as she'd been so disruptive phoning the ward again and again.) Could not see that she was not the centre of what was going on here and the additional strain this put on those at the centre who had been closer to the fear.

Things like the birth announcement, choice of furniture in the house, what we did at the weekends kept becoming about her and my stepfather not about us the new family. Very odd dynamics, not sure what was going on, think it was about being pushed to the edge of a new family and feeling unaccustomed to this, as her world was the only world till then.

In the end many years later - actually at the time of her reaction when I told her I was getting divorced, which again became about her not me - I went no contact for several year. Which became a massive relief and she has finally separated, somewhat.

Wanting to send fellow feeling but also to suggest, when you have headspace, if this continues - as seems likely - do read Toxic Parents, or books on codependency. Enjoy your little one.

I would apologize for hanging up on your dad but otherwise stand firm. Ask them how they would like it if you repainted their living room from blue to off-white without asking first? They obviously don’t understand you liked it the way it was.

Your parents should be asking themselves how to fix this, not you!

Just here to give another vote for Spatone. It bounced my iron levels back up after a whopper PPH. And I wasn’t constipated. Win.

I hope you can find a way to re-establish your relationship with your mother, and that she respects your boundaries.

Don't trust her with anything ever again! imagine letting her take baby for a walk in the pram, ... she might re paint your pram! or dye or cut babies hair ! lol, i hope one day you can laugh at this but i'd be really upset too. Look on the bright side, you came home alive to look after the precious baby . get it decorated so you can forget her crazy moment of madness, she wont stay away long, she'll miss seeing the baby x

My first reaction was "oh my goodness how could she do this to you when you just had a baby?!". I was obsessive over not painting when mine were tiny because paint fumes are really bad for babies. But here's what I think actually happened: DD (you) was seriously ill. DM (the painter) was terrified, devastated and felt helpless, probably even more so because your DH had a clear defined role to care for baby while you recovered and DM didn't. DM thought long and hard about what she could do to help. The usual things like making food, cleaning the house, etc. didn't apply because you were all in hospital being cared for. So she thought that if she decorated your living room it might give you a 'lift' when you got home, probably why she went bolder than in her own house. I'll hazard a guess she even thought of the paint fumes, so did it in good time before baby got home. Was she wrong, nuts, way over the boundary line? Yes, of course. She's upset because she knows this now. But (I think) she did it because her most precious person (you) and her new most precious person (her grandchild) were in danger and she tried to give herself a purpose while she nervously waited to hear news. I feel for you all. It's given you more to deal with than you need, but it can easily be sorted and hopefully you know your DM meant well, even if the result was bold purple ....

This is very not ok. Your parents are very unreasonable to effectively 'gift' you a redecoration that you didn't ask for, didn't know about a don't like. It simply isn't reasonable in these circumstances to be cross the you're not grateful! Does she have any form for controlling or unboundaried behaviour?
I would hold a very firm line on all this as you don't want anything similar happening in the future.
As previous posters have said, focus on getting well and enjoying your baby. These days are so precious and you've already had a tough time with the sepsis.
Maybe write a letter explaining that although you know the intent was good, it was unacceptable to take the step of redecorating. Say that you love them both very much and really want to enjoy sharing their grandchild with them, but there has to be no more discussion on the matter of decoration. Explain it is being repainted and that this has causes unnecessary expense and stress to you. Maybe finish up by explaining you simply don't have the bandwidth to engage in this any more, but would they like to come for a cuddle.and cup of tea on x date that suits you. Best wishes OP!

Your DM is a narcissist. Have a read through stuff online on how to deal with people like that.

I don'tthink she meant well I think she used "meaning well" as an excuse for being controlling. RTFT.

Fucking hell that’s crossed the line so far that it can’t even be seen in the distance

Id be so furious I couldn’t contain my anger and I’d be making sure DH painted it back to its previous colour asap

You should read the book 'The Compassionate Mind'.

I can’t tell you how to fix this with your parents that aren’t now speaking to you, but I will say, this is them to mend it, not you! How dare they try to alter your home!? , I hope you can find a decent decorator to put your living room back to the way you liked it, with the colours you like and you and your new wee family can enjoy it.

maybe the Op's parents should!

Yeah I don't disagree. We've all done things we wish we hadn't & this particular one was a biggie! Mothers & daughters relationships are so complicated (+ I've read on here) - this was an awful & mistimed mistake! I was just trying to look at it from both sides (as both a mum & a daughter). I wasn't saying it was right & only her mother knows the reason for her strange actions.
Yes, she absolutely should have been surrounded by love & calm support at this time bless her, after such trauma.
Just my thoughts really to give a new mum another aspect to help diffuse the situation a little so she can focus more on getting well and enjoying her new baby.🤷‍♀️

Some parents actually go mental when they have a grandchild. They make it all about themselves especially new mums mum. It's either a bizarre nesting thing or complete mental breakdown. Your DH should've had the balls to say NO THANKS - We have bigger fish to fry.

This is the craziest thing I’ve ever read! Who is desperate to redecorate their adult child’s home when they’re extremely unwell in hospital. I get that she may have been anxious, but this is next level. Also who wants to come home to fresh paint with a newborn?!

I feel like this has got to be made up.. no way have your parents acted normal here. You have just had a baby! Their grandchild and they're making a fuss about a painted room and now not talking to you.. how bizarre! Who even decorates someone's room whilst they're in hospital. I understand if the room hadn't been done in ages and needed a spring clean but even so, I'd not expect them to stop talking to you after expressing your annoyance

I would’ve gone berserk, tired or not tired 😂 sorry but no one in my life mother or not has the right to come and redecorate and paint my house regardless of if they think they’re doing a nice thing. Bizarre behaviour and if your mums offended then that’s on her x

Really don’t. It’s dreadful and sanctimonious and will inflame everything. Even if you justifiably feel this way, it will just make everything so much worse!

I’d try to reach out with a few photos, hi mum how are you, DS is doing well, hope you’re going to pop over and see us soon sort of thing. Try to move on from the painting and if pushed just say ”I understand you were trying to do something nice; sorry it wasn’t to our taste, I just want somewhere neutral and bright where I can relax with DS” or similar. But honestly OP you sound very kind and diplomatic, I’m sure it will blow over and I hope it does.