DM redecorated my lounge

[Blubstering]

I KNOW I’m not BU but need to know how to handle this. NC because I’ve spoken to a few people IRL.

I’ve recently had a baby and was in hospital for just over a week. DH was with me most of that time including the first 4 days where he was in with me overnight due to some complications (I had sepsis) and him needing to look after the baby while I wasn’t able to.

Anyway, during those first 4 days, my usually lovely mum decided to completely redecorate my living room. It did not need decorating, it was done fairly recently and we’d just painted it a soft taupy off white, which complimented our existing oak furniture nicely. It was simple but warm.

Mum has painted it a mid grey on 2 walls and royal purple on the other 2 walls. It looks absolutely awful.

DH came home and saw it but didn’t tell me what had happened until the day I came home. He warned me, and when we got home mum was there all smiles and proud of herself thinking she had done a nice thing for us. I felt like one of those people on Changing Rooms the mid 2000’s when they had to stand next to Carol Smiley and pretend to love their new rooms when absolutely everyone in the room knew it looked absolutely dire. She’s not even done a neat job, the purples smudged into the grey walls in the corners and there’s purple on the window frames too.

I said something about feeling very tired and mum took the hint and left but did seem quite off, then I just cried and then went to bed. Mum then texted me and said ‘what do you think??’ So I took the opportunity and replied ‘I really appreciate the thought mum but it’s not our taste, I wish you’d asked us first xx’ which I think was fairly balanced.

I then got a phone call from my dad to say mum was in bits and very offended I’m not more grateful for her efforts and she was only trying to do something nice for us. So I said that I appreciated that but reiterated the colour isn’t to our taste and we hadn’t long since decorated the living room the way we wanted it. He said ‘yes but it was far too plain’… I’m not sure what happened but I’m so tired I physically felt like I couldn’t talk anymore so I just put the phone down.

Anyway the upshot is my parents are now no longer speaking to me and I’ve got a new baby so could really use their support. How do I fix this??

My husband is a very calm and measured man, but I actually cannot imagine his reaction to such violation of his home by my parents.
The sheer rudeness and disrespect is astounding.

I would be so mortified.
When I read of people being tolerant and forgiving of such behaviour, I just know that they have grown up in a toxic environment.

This is so batshit.

You have been very calm and patient.

I would not have been. I would have been very clear that until they apologised and paid to put right what they have damaged I would not be interested in hearing from them or seeing them.

If they're like this with your house, what on earth will they be like with your child?

It's like you going round and graffiting their house because you thought it needed cheering up because you thought it was boring. It just isn't done.

Let them come to you. Rest, recuperate and spend this time with your new family unit.

If you have any siblings I might invite them round to see what has happened. Is it possible they could make them understand quite how badly they have behaved?

I'm so sorry Op, your parent's are behaving appallingly when you have been so ill and have a new-born. Your mum painting your lounge (in what sounds like a hideous colour) is so passive aggressive, it is not done out of kindness at all, it's done out of control. Their attitude to you now is really shameful. I'm sorry that they're treating you like this. Is your mum jealous that you and your baby will be getting attention?

You have been very calm and patient.

which indicates to me that the fact her parents have completely fucked up her return from a week in hospital with her new born, and she has spent the days post return on mumsnet discussing her parents shit behaviour - means that this isn’t quite so unusual behaviour for her parents after all, it’s just that the poor op is resigned to it

I read stories like this and pray to the gods of older people that I don't become a batshit crazy older lady who is a nightmare MiL, or puts my daughters through hell by doing stupid stuff like this, or refuses to get the help / treatment I need and insists on going it alone while falling apart etc etc.

Aside from purple feature walls being a dire design choice, who the helI even does this?! and then not speak to their daughter for being very politely called out on it?

Not sure what to say. I'm sure someone else has given some good advice but know that fellow man its very much on your side

Your mother was way out of line! I have my faults (😂) but would never in a million years redecorate one of my daughters houses with asking first! I would send them a message saying that you all need to move on as I sure they would like to see their new grandchild too! And to draw a line under it

You don’t need to fix this, they do

And I mean that in the sense of redecorating and apologising

This is brilliant! Can I get you to write all my awkward communications for me in future please?

Your mother is such a Narcissist and your father is under her influence. I’m so sorry OP. I hope she will get over it and that would be a lesson for future.

I actually wonder if somebody did that for DM when she had OP and she's repeating it. Why didn't she just ask first - like text DH, even if it was an impulse. Buying someone a gift is always 50/50 whether they'll like it or not but painting the lounge walls purple is bonkers, has she lost the plot or something 🤪

I would not be happy at all. Massive overstep. But clutching at straws she was trying to help ???

I agree that it was not appropriate for her to re decorate the room you were very hqppy with. At the time she might have been wanting to help/control when the health of her daughter was so poor with sepsis - so nothing she could do to help.

I would question though her motives as she should be delighted that you are well enough to be home and with her newborn granddaughter.
Is she usually uninterested in you like this?
Maybe smile and take delight in your newborn and hope she is embarrassed and glad you haven't mentioned it again.
Don't let their (unreasonable ) behaviour spoil this special time in your lives. You are not responsible for the behaviour of your parents. Maybe speak just to your dad. He is probably getting the brunt of your mum's rage at home!

Because "there are two types of people". Those who look to create and nurture grievances in life, and those who try to make allowances for other humans. Sometimes huge allowances.

This isn't road rage against a random stranger, it's OPs mum. Your relationship with your parents is, in most cases, worth treasuring. No matter how batshit their actions, they almost always mean well. We know this because it's mumsnet and we are mostly parents ourselves.

I've got so many friends who have declared their mums as "narcissists" or similar. They have cut themselves off not only from the parents but then caused huge rifts with the whole family, as people take sides etc.

It's just not worth it. Its always better to "go high", as Michelle Obama says. Just make allowances. Forgive. Forget. Think of all the good things your parents have done, including bringing you up, and chalk this one down to experience. Maybe with strict instructions to not do it again.

In the long run, things never seem as important as they did at first. And even the most excruciating things can seem.funny in retrospect.

It’s all well and good for people to say your mum crossed a line (she clearly did) and you should shut them out, but when you need support it’s not that easy. It always depends on what other things someone has going on in their lives. I particularly needed parental support because I was disabled and single, some people will need it because they don’t have a larger support circle or there’s other kids, or even other kids with disabilities. I get the whole “cut out toxic people” vibe that generally goes around, and if people can, then good for them. But there’s so rarely the advice people ask for in comparison with how common those voices are. And sometimes people screw up and can’t see their own behaviour without it being an indicator that they’re generally toxic people, so those comments that now fill women’s spaces are encouraging people to socially isolate themselves based on very little info.

I’m not gonna go through the whole thread because the first comments were all the same, and I just wanted to respond to those, really. We can encourage people to cut out toxic people, whilst also waiting to find out if they’re toxic or whether it’s actually plausible for the OPs to cut them out. After 20 years trying to cut out of an abusive relationship, I had those comments in abundance when I needed someone to understand that I really didn’t have choices during that time, due to being very physically unwell with multiple disabled offspring (& enough experience with social care to know they wouldn’t give the actual help I needed), and just needed someone to tell me what I could do within my paradigm.

Possibly OP might look back and laugh at the outrageousness of the painting of their lounge.

However, there aren't just two types of people, those who create and nurture grievances and those that make allowances. OP can still find her mum's behaviour of refusing to speak to her very hurtful and unreasonable, without bearing a lifelong grudge about it. She may feel less hurt and may possibly even forget about how she felt, but most people would never find that behaviour amusing, even in hindsight.

Being unable to reframe hurtful and callous behaviour as amusing does not put anyone in the 'creating and nurturing grievances' category. That is just victim blaming.

@anon666

I sincerely hope op does get past this abusive behaviour at the most vulnerable time of her life bar the day of her own birth

It seems her parents are usually OK

Hopefully they will aplosgjse and come with some explanation as to why not only did she stamp herself on her daughter's living room but then turned herself into a victim and cut off op form support.

My Mil did something similar and we tried again her many times over the years and unfortunately 17 years on l can't help thinking about the trauma mil caused me on the day and weeks after my dd birth.

Awww I'd be upset and fuming .
I love neutral colour it's nice and calm and relaxing.
I think they need to be put in their place that it's your home and you like it how it is and the only way to put things right is to repaint it back the way it was .
Take it easy with your new baby and don't let them upset you further they are in the wrong and have overstepped.

@Blubstering - how are you getting on with your new baby? Also, how is the repair work going to your living room? Lastly, have your parents been in touch with you since?

Ooh, I love writing stroppy letters!

(And one of my party pieces is reciting pi to 30 decimal places. The other is reeling off all the stations on the Piccadilly Line. I was a quite strange child.)

Same. When I start my friends say ‘Roy Cropper’s bag is out again!’
Love writing a letter.
I was watching an old Top of the Pops the other day on iPlayer from the 80’s and my other half jokingly asked what I’d done that week.
And I reeled it off in detail.
It can be annoying so I mostly run it all in my head, but it’s useful sometimes!

have people RTFT? and seen what the OP says about her parents' previous behaviour? Yes this is a massive exacerbation but its not a new thing for the mother to behave in a batshit "I know best" way.

1st time grandparents can do some crazy things, it's hard to think about it from their perspective because you're first time parents and quite frankly shouldn't have to think about anything else.
!st time grandparents have a major shift in their lives personally, they are grandparents now, which makes you think of getting older and your own mortality which can make people stressed and fearful. They might not be logically thinking this through so they might not consider that their behaviour has changed because of it.
1st time grandparents are used to being at the centre of their famiy, they are the core and the rest of the family revolves around them. This changes when a grandchild is born, their children have more important things to think about now (their own children) and their children start to become the centre of the family and they move to a more peripheral role. They again do not necessarily realise this, they just feel a change which feels uncomfortable and they may behave strangely as they try and readdress this balance and try and make themselves the 'core' again without realising what they are doing.
1st time grandparents are also thrown into a role where they are not the only one in that role. Even if they were a step parent before they were still not 'mum/dad' they were 'stepmum/stepdad', wheras as a grandparent, there are suddenly other grandparents with just as many rights, priorities, place in a heart etc etc. This can make grandparents feel competitive and like they need to be the 'best' etc etc which can also make them behave strangely.

This doesn't mean that as a first time parent it is also your responsibility to manage the feelings of your parents, but understanding possible feelings they might be experiencing can help you understand that there actions are not personal, and not even about you as such, but about their own feelings about themselves and their lives.

Your father thinks it was too plain..? ?
But that's his opinion. It's not his living room..
What a weird family..You are not BU at all

except for the history..... yes this is an exacerbation but the mindset is not new "I genuinely think it was just completely misplaced kindness and totally misjudged, combined with them both thinking taste is finite and not individual preference. It’s hard to explain, but mum and dad both think they have the best of everything because they always make the right choices, when in reality they just have the things THEY think are best, but you can’t disagree with them because they’re never wrong. If you buy (for example) a car that’s a different model to theirs, they’ll tell you what a waste of money it was and how much of a better choice their car was because of course it was the best etc etc. It’s one thing I really struggled with about my parents all my life, it was very difficult to live with particularly as my life took a different path to theirs. I think the colour walls thing comes from the same place - I’m right you’re wrong attitude so that why she’ll have painted it to her tastes, she won’t have contemplated that I wouldn’t like it. It won’t have occurred to her."

This is a really insightful post, and in my life (25 years late) has helped me better understand my parents and in-laws behaviour! Thank you @Silentwitless