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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DM redecorated my lounge

820 replies

Blubstering · 08/02/2025 12:29

I KNOW I’m not BU but need to know how to handle this. NC because I’ve spoken to a few people IRL.

I’ve recently had a baby and was in hospital for just over a week. DH was with me most of that time including the first 4 days where he was in with me overnight due to some complications (I had sepsis) and him needing to look after the baby while I wasn’t able to.

Anyway, during those first 4 days, my usually lovely mum decided to completely redecorate my living room. It did not need decorating, it was done fairly recently and we’d just painted it a soft taupy off white, which complimented our existing oak furniture nicely. It was simple but warm.

Mum has painted it a mid grey on 2 walls and royal purple on the other 2 walls. It looks absolutely awful.

DH came home and saw it but didn’t tell me what had happened until the day I came home. He warned me, and when we got home mum was there all smiles and proud of herself thinking she had done a nice thing for us. I felt like one of those people on Changing Rooms the mid 2000’s when they had to stand next to Carol Smiley and pretend to love their new rooms when absolutely everyone in the room knew it looked absolutely dire. She’s not even done a neat job, the purples smudged into the grey walls in the corners and there’s purple on the window frames too.

I said something about feeling very tired and mum took the hint and left but did seem quite off, then I just cried and then went to bed. Mum then texted me and said ‘what do you think??’ So I took the opportunity and replied ‘I really appreciate the thought mum but it’s not our taste, I wish you’d asked us first xx’ which I think was fairly balanced.

I then got a phone call from my dad to say mum was in bits and very offended I’m not more grateful for her efforts and she was only trying to do something nice for us. So I said that I appreciated that but reiterated the colour isn’t to our taste and we hadn’t long since decorated the living room the way we wanted it. He said ‘yes but it was far too plain’… I’m not sure what happened but I’m so tired I physically felt like I couldn’t talk anymore so I just put the phone down.

Anyway the upshot is my parents are now no longer speaking to me and I’ve got a new baby so could really use their support. How do I fix this??

OP posts:
Tonkie18 · 09/02/2025 17:55

Blubstering · 08/02/2025 13:03

I think you’ve articulated it - I’m less bothered about the paint because I can see the intention wasn’t malicious, but I am definitely bothered by them trying to guilt me into being grateful for vandalism basically.

I retained part of my placenta and it was missed, I had a massive PPH and then my womb got infected and then I went septic really quickly so it’s been a really difficult experience. First baby as well so it’s all a bit raw. I just feel like no one is actually making allowances for the fact I’m quite poorly still. MIL mithering to come and stay and now my parents willing to cut contact with me and my new baby over a problem THEY created Sad I just feel completely done in.

Show quote history

This happened to me on my third. With a section. I really feel for you. They kept making me go home, i bled out 10 days later. Put me through fake labour to pass it. Sent me home. Bled out 10 days later. DH kicked off massively and they finally gave me a D&C. You’ve already had a very difficult start you don’t need to be dealing with this. Glad you’ve got the decorator in. Send them a message thanking them, tell them you don’t want to fall out, you’ve been through enough. From past experience grandparents aren’t going to stay away from baby long. It will all be ok and you’ll laugh about it one day x

tommyhoundmum · 09/02/2025 17:56

I think you have handled the situation really well and your Dad was just being supportiveof your Mum who meant no harm but got carried away.

I hope you all get back together soon. Your husband sounds very supportive

NoPaintedPony · 09/02/2025 17:59

‘Doing something nice’ would have been filling ur freezer with home cooked food or offering to do ur ironing etc.
Unfortunately ur mother (although) she may have meant well did not think and ur dad is just as bad.
If she wants to sulk then it’s her loss as she missing time with her grandchild that she’ll never get back.
You don’t have to ‘fix this’, it’s 100% on her. Start with removing key privileges. Your home is ur sanctuary not an extension of ur parent’s. She needs to respect boundaries.

Lavender14 · 09/02/2025 18:00

YousayPassataISaypeastta · 08/02/2025 13:40

@Lavender14 can we give troll calling a rest.
I've been traumatised over the years by my in laws and when I've written about their horrible actions I've been called a troll which details the thread and cuts off help which is what mn is supposed to be about

Just to clarify I was not calling op a troll or suggesting she was. I took her post at face value and said I wished it wasn't true because what an awful thing for her to go through.

I would have expected that to have come across given my post was very supportive and offered genuine advice.

LalaPaloosa2024 · 09/02/2025 18:01

I don’t believe this was a kind gesture. It was a controlling one calculated at a time when you were too vulnerable to fight back or stand up for yourself. Now again they put their own wants and needs over your own with their histrionics and silent treatment when you have just come home from hospital after having your first baby. Anything to take the spotlight off you and your new baby and put it onto your mother I would say. Both of your parents are completely out of order. You have been more than kind and patient in the way you dealt with them.

I would ask your husband to change the locks and act as a buffer between you and them so you can focus on your baby and what should be a happy time that is all about you and your immediate family.

Julimia · 09/02/2025 18:02

Oh dear. That is dreadful. Just live with it til you have the strength and time to redo it. Don't argue with your parents
Just send them a pic of baby every few days and they will see what they are missing. They change so fast. Tell them they are still very welcome.
You take care. X

Rinks31 · 09/02/2025 18:02

Why would someone paint an already decorated room , if she wants to suprise she should have just decorated with balloons, flowers, welcome home banners etc, who would have thought of painting the walls when no body ever said it needs painting. Bizarre, anyway concentrate on yourself and baby for a bit nd hopefully she'll be calm down in few days and this can be resolved by a bit of explanation.

Charlize43 · 09/02/2025 18:03

It's only fair that you return the favour. Speak to your dad about him taking her away for a weekend so you can get the paint out: I'm thinking Fuchsia & Chocolate Brown; or Mint Green & Orange; Peach and Purple.

saffronspices · 09/02/2025 18:04

She should have given the house a quick once-over if she wanted to do something helpful, washing & ironing, or cooked some freezer meals. People do the strangest things at the worst possible times and the birth of grandchildren is right up there. Make sure she knows that you & DH are driving your bus, not her.

Pessismistic · 09/02/2025 18:06

Congratulations on the new baby leave your parents to realise they overstepped and if they don’t apologise soon there the ones missing out on gc. You don’t redecorate someone’s house no matter who they are.

MyNameIsJane · 09/02/2025 18:09

I hope you get time to physically heal and mentally too before all the parents descend on you next. What a traumatic time it has been and I’m glad you have your husband in your corner too.

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 09/02/2025 18:09

Charlize43 · 09/02/2025 18:03

It's only fair that you return the favour. Speak to your dad about him taking her away for a weekend so you can get the paint out: I'm thinking Fuchsia & Chocolate Brown; or Mint Green & Orange; Peach and Purple.

She'd be delighted.
Go for magnolia or pale grey, the same in every room.

IWillAlwaysBeinaClubWithYouin1973 · 09/02/2025 18:20

Pessismistic · 09/02/2025 18:06

Congratulations on the new baby leave your parents to realise they overstepped and if they don’t apologise soon there the ones missing out on gc. You don’t redecorate someone’s house no matter who they are.

Apparently if you do you're just being very kind ...

MumTeacherofMany · 09/02/2025 18:21

I'd be fuming OP!

Doxiedolittle · 09/02/2025 18:25

You don’t have to fix it OP. Trust me your mum will miss interacting with that new baby pretty soon and with some reflection time, and maybe checking with her female friends who you would hope will comment from your point of view, she’ll realise she’s made a well intentioned but big mistake. In the future, when you’re feeling better, you will all be able to laugh about it. She’s clearly got carried away with something that was meant to be a nice thing but more for her own gratification I suspect. She’ll come round when she realises. In the meantime get yourself well
again, sleep when the baby does, eat and drink even if you don’t feel like it and remember the first 6 weeks are the most challenging, after that it should get easier
and you’ll feel strong enough to repel assertively the baby advice you know she’ll impart, whether you want it or not. 😊

Iceboy80 · 09/02/2025 18:27

First of all, how dare your mother do something so drastic to your home without even consulting you or your husband, the level of disrespect is shocking!

I would nip this in the bud now and tell them if they ever pull a stunt like this again then it will be you cutting ties with them, you must have one cool husband as I have been in 3 long term relationships and not one of their mothers would have ever pulled a stunt like this as they would know they would be put right in their place.

Good look to your new family, it's theast thing you need but good luck.

Pinkrinse · 09/02/2025 18:32

HundredPercentUnsure · 08/02/2025 12:36

I'd be livid if my mum came around and painted any part of my house!

Paint it back and send her the bill.

That is how I'd handle it. The end.

This! I’m surprised you’re still talking to her! She needs to correct her mistake. You e done nothing wrong and have nothing to sort out. I’m outraged on your behalf. 😡

canyouseemyhousefromhere · 09/02/2025 18:33

Oh OP I really feel for you. My first baby was very premature so was in scbu when I went home. Although I was bleeding heavily and seeing the midwives each time I went in, retained products were only discovered when I haemorrhaged the day after I brought the baby home so I was rushed in for surgery.
I remember it being such a stressful time and needed to be home in my familiar surroundings with my dh & dc. I can’t imagine having to deal with two sets of parents who were putting their needs above my new family.
I think you (& dh) have handled them all perfectly and with a very level head considering how traumatised you must be.
Hopefully the other adults involved will realise just how awfully they have treated you and lap up some large portions of humble pie in due course.
Great idea to sub the redecoration out.

All I would add is that once I had had my surgery the bleeding was just like a very light period for a couple of days then stopped. It might be worth asking for the hospital to scan for any further placenta, just in case.
Enjoy your new baby and un decoration. 💝

CheekySnake · 09/02/2025 18:36

Everyone saying 'they meant well' - did they? Really?

How does going into someone's house without permission and changing something to suit your taste (with no evidence that the owner will like or want it) well meaning?

Saying they meant well just serves to guilt trip the owner into feeling bad about their anger.

Forcing 'help' on someone when it's not something they have asked for or need isn't a positive thing to do just because you're labelling it help. It's coercive control.

Laurmolonlabe · 09/02/2025 18:37

I would have been much less polite than you were- what on earth was your mother thinking- is she usually intrusive in your life?
When you have just had a baby and have been ill, you are at your most vulnerable- the very last thing you need is something like this.
I just don't understand this if your mother is usually fairly sane, she is definitely overbearing- you simply cannot impose your taste on other people-even if you gave birth to them, still less expect them to like it.
I would get a professional decorator to redecorate and send the bill to your parents with a note saying you need to pay for this, then we won't ever mention it again.
Should they except you can cautiously go on with your relationship with them, if not I'm afraid you will have to shelve the idea of getting any support from them.
IF they can mess up your house without your permission, and expect gushing praise, rather than resentment, what on earth could they do to your child?

Sorrynotsorry22 · 09/02/2025 18:38

Either you're well shot of toxic parents or they will see the error of their ways and apologise or at least offer to paint over purple for the sake of their new grandchild
Blunt but true

Lollipop81 · 09/02/2025 18:45

I guess your mom did it thinking she was doing a good deed. You dealt with it perfectly and she should have been all apologies and offered to repaint it back. The fact they have stopped speaking to you when you have just had a baby says a lot about them. Do you really need them? I’m guessing this isn’t the first time your mom and dad have been out of line. Sorry that you are going through this, right now you need love and support not aggro and drama. Shame on your parents, they should be gushing over your new child not blanking you out.

PerspicaciaTick · 09/02/2025 18:46

I think it could be time for your DH to lead. Lay the facts out with both families, brutal honesty. "My DW nearly died. I thought I was going to have to raise baby on my own. It has been distressing and stressful and frightening. We do not need you to make it worse. Back off, this is not about you "

Bobbybooo · 09/02/2025 18:46

Blubstering · 08/02/2025 12:29

I KNOW I’m not BU but need to know how to handle this. NC because I’ve spoken to a few people IRL.

I’ve recently had a baby and was in hospital for just over a week. DH was with me most of that time including the first 4 days where he was in with me overnight due to some complications (I had sepsis) and him needing to look after the baby while I wasn’t able to.

Anyway, during those first 4 days, my usually lovely mum decided to completely redecorate my living room. It did not need decorating, it was done fairly recently and we’d just painted it a soft taupy off white, which complimented our existing oak furniture nicely. It was simple but warm.

Mum has painted it a mid grey on 2 walls and royal purple on the other 2 walls. It looks absolutely awful.

DH came home and saw it but didn’t tell me what had happened until the day I came home. He warned me, and when we got home mum was there all smiles and proud of herself thinking she had done a nice thing for us. I felt like one of those people on Changing Rooms the mid 2000’s when they had to stand next to Carol Smiley and pretend to love their new rooms when absolutely everyone in the room knew it looked absolutely dire. She’s not even done a neat job, the purples smudged into the grey walls in the corners and there’s purple on the window frames too.

I said something about feeling very tired and mum took the hint and left but did seem quite off, then I just cried and then went to bed. Mum then texted me and said ‘what do you think??’ So I took the opportunity and replied ‘I really appreciate the thought mum but it’s not our taste, I wish you’d asked us first xx’ which I think was fairly balanced.

I then got a phone call from my dad to say mum was in bits and very offended I’m not more grateful for her efforts and she was only trying to do something nice for us. So I said that I appreciated that but reiterated the colour isn’t to our taste and we hadn’t long since decorated the living room the way we wanted it. He said ‘yes but it was far too plain’… I’m not sure what happened but I’m so tired I physically felt like I couldn’t talk anymore so I just put the phone down.

Anyway the upshot is my parents are now no longer speaking to me and I’ve got a new baby so could really use their support. How do I fix this??

If you want to help a new family, you cook for them and do grocery shopping, or just ask is there anything I could do for you? what a stupid thing to do 🤦

YousayPassataISaypeastta · 09/02/2025 18:55

Op in some ways, now I've read more about the background I think this will be useful although so painful right now.
You must not under any circumstances apologise and I think you do heed to be firm with them and don't contact them.
However straightening this out now will be the best thing long term and you can have a wonderful relationship going forward, but one with her umbilical cord to you cut.