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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DM redecorated my lounge

820 replies

Blubstering · 08/02/2025 12:29

I KNOW I’m not BU but need to know how to handle this. NC because I’ve spoken to a few people IRL.

I’ve recently had a baby and was in hospital for just over a week. DH was with me most of that time including the first 4 days where he was in with me overnight due to some complications (I had sepsis) and him needing to look after the baby while I wasn’t able to.

Anyway, during those first 4 days, my usually lovely mum decided to completely redecorate my living room. It did not need decorating, it was done fairly recently and we’d just painted it a soft taupy off white, which complimented our existing oak furniture nicely. It was simple but warm.

Mum has painted it a mid grey on 2 walls and royal purple on the other 2 walls. It looks absolutely awful.

DH came home and saw it but didn’t tell me what had happened until the day I came home. He warned me, and when we got home mum was there all smiles and proud of herself thinking she had done a nice thing for us. I felt like one of those people on Changing Rooms the mid 2000’s when they had to stand next to Carol Smiley and pretend to love their new rooms when absolutely everyone in the room knew it looked absolutely dire. She’s not even done a neat job, the purples smudged into the grey walls in the corners and there’s purple on the window frames too.

I said something about feeling very tired and mum took the hint and left but did seem quite off, then I just cried and then went to bed. Mum then texted me and said ‘what do you think??’ So I took the opportunity and replied ‘I really appreciate the thought mum but it’s not our taste, I wish you’d asked us first xx’ which I think was fairly balanced.

I then got a phone call from my dad to say mum was in bits and very offended I’m not more grateful for her efforts and she was only trying to do something nice for us. So I said that I appreciated that but reiterated the colour isn’t to our taste and we hadn’t long since decorated the living room the way we wanted it. He said ‘yes but it was far too plain’… I’m not sure what happened but I’m so tired I physically felt like I couldn’t talk anymore so I just put the phone down.

Anyway the upshot is my parents are now no longer speaking to me and I’ve got a new baby so could really use their support. How do I fix this??

OP posts:
Muststopeating · 09/02/2025 09:31

thepariscrimefiles · 08/02/2025 16:35

You may be able to reframe the decorating as a kind gesture (I couldn't), but surely even you can't reframe OP's mum's refusal to speak to her own daughter who has just nearly died as in any way kind or supportive. OP didn't even raise the issue of the decorating, her mum asked her what she thought.

OP's mum doesn't live in fear of over-stepping. OP has said that she is generally overbearing.

Show quote history

Easy with the bold!!! I was giving an alternative viewpoint, MN likes to jump to the immediate conclusion that everyone is a narcissistic monster.

"Even you" implies you know more about me than a single post.

But you are right that the fact that her mother has now chosen to stop talking to her at a time when she needs the most support is appalling! I had glossed over that!

Beesandhoney123 · 09/02/2025 09:51

DoloresODonovan · 08/02/2025 14:00

I’m thinking this is meant to be a site for grown ups

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Who refers to adults as ' grown ups'? You sound about 12. And that's pushing it.

Debtfreegoals · 09/02/2025 10:18

I’d be livid. Get hubby to paint it back, how fucking rude of them

ThisReplyHasBeenDeleted · 09/02/2025 10:53

Congratulations on your DS! I'm not going to comment on what your mother did - other readers have said most of what I think – but I do think you could have some fun with this for the next few years!

Every present you give to her (inc Christmas) wrapped in royal purple wrapping paper tied with grey ribbon? Purple christmas tree decorations? Every card with a purple or grey theme? in fact - anything involving the colours. Scarves, socks, gloves....

At least you can redecorate. While I was in hospital (for a week) with my second daughter, my MIL decided to come round and clean our brand new (and as yet unused) bath - with Ajax. It never recovered.

thescandalwascontained · 09/02/2025 11:20

Blubstering · 08/02/2025 19:00

I think mum will message me in a day or two and ask after the baby like nothing has happened and honestly, I’ll probably allow that water to pass under the bridge because like a PP said, I’ll regret looking back on this time now and not remembering her being around to help.

She’s not an awful person, she’s just a very mumsy mum and was probably a bit over protective of me and despite the fact I’m 38, I think still thinks I’m a child in lots of ways. I was a late bloomer, didn’t marry until my mid 30’s and so I think she just got used to riding roughshod over my preferences because I lived with them for such a long time. We’ve probably been guilty of a bit of codependency over the years and as a result now I’m married and a mother, she’s struggled with that adjustment.

She was definitely terrified when I was in hospital, she didn’t say anything direct to me or DH but the cuddle she gave me when she saw me said a lot and now I’ve got DS I can imagine seeing your child hurt is one of the hardest things.

The theories about attention seeking don’t make sense for mum, that’s not who she is or how she operates. It’s possible she wanted to assert some sort of control, but again it’s unlikely because she would usually do that by offering us money (which we never accept but the fact she’s offered she then uses as a ‘remember we’ve offered you £XXX to help you because we are such good parents and you can’t cope on your own two feet’ type thing). This would be the perfect time for those shenanigans if she was trying to achieve control.

I genuinely think it was just completely misplaced kindness and totally misjudged, combined with them both thinking taste is finite and not individual preference. It’s hard to explain, but mum and dad both think they have the best of everything because they always make the right choices, when in reality they just have the things THEY think are best, but you can’t disagree with them because they’re never wrong. If you buy (for example) a car that’s a different model to theirs, they’ll tell you what a waste of money it was and how much of a better choice their car was because of course it was the best etc etc. It’s one thing I really struggled with about my parents all my life, it was very difficult to live with particularly as my life took a different path to theirs. I think the colour walls thing comes from the same place - I’m right you’re wrong attitude so that why she’ll have painted it to her tastes, she won’t have contemplated that I wouldn’t like it. It won’t have occurred to her.

Im very willing to hopefully laugh about it one day (when my walls no longer remind me of Willy Wonka’s trousers) and hopefully mum will too.

She's not 'over protective'. She's trying to control your life and insisting her choices should be your choices.

I'm going to go out on a limb and suggest she wasn't actually delighted when you got married and 'left' her, and then compounded it by having a baby of your own. She's trying to reassert her control here, and your dad is backing her instead of you.

You wouldn't want to do this to your own child. You wouldn't want to make your child feel the way you do now. You're her Mother!

Your mum should be held fo higher standards with you, not lower.

YOu really need to have the conversation and just ignore it all happened. At the very least, they need to be paying to fix the damage they've done to your home.

TitusMoan · 09/02/2025 11:23

ThisReplyHasBeenDeleted · 09/02/2025 10:53

Congratulations on your DS! I'm not going to comment on what your mother did - other readers have said most of what I think – but I do think you could have some fun with this for the next few years!

Every present you give to her (inc Christmas) wrapped in royal purple wrapping paper tied with grey ribbon? Purple christmas tree decorations? Every card with a purple or grey theme? in fact - anything involving the colours. Scarves, socks, gloves....

At least you can redecorate. While I was in hospital (for a week) with my second daughter, my MIL decided to come round and clean our brand new (and as yet unused) bath - with Ajax. It never recovered.

Did you tell your MIL? Or did your DH?

TheignT · 09/02/2025 11:26

Brainstorm23 · 09/02/2025 00:09

I can sympathise with you OP. I have a mum like yours except she's batshit all the time not just sometimes.

I went on my honeymoon and made the mistake of leaving her a set of keys to "keep an eye on the house". I came back from honeymoon to find all my possessions stacked up in the living room. I couldn't even get in the door of the room. It wasn't even stuff I needed. Just ancient shit from the loft as like you I lived at home pre-marriage.

She's pretty much banned from my house as that's the tip of a very big iceberg.

With your parents they will never admit they did anything wrong. Their brains don't even compute why you'd be upset at them "helping you" so there's literally no point arguing with that. I'd file it under "shit to deal with later" and patch up for now as you need the help.

As the mother of 4, youngest left home over ten years ago, still trying to get them to either take their stuff or throw it away I can understand. I'm thinking of a final take anything you want within a month or it all goes to the tip. I mean it can't be impotnoe can it.

Custardcreamsbetterwithtea · 09/02/2025 11:28

Octonaut4Life · 08/02/2025 12:36

To be honest you should have told them they need to come back and repaint it the way it was, that's awful. They absolutely owe you an apology at the very least.

Op, they need to pay for a professional decorator to repaint it the way you like it. This honestly sounds like a major overstep of boundaries, and that your dm sees your house as her own too. This is a very controlling situation. The only way IMHO dm can make this up is to get you a decorator in; the chosen paint fumes will have to be safe around the baby though. I would be furious. You'll have had your house the way you wanted it for coming home as well.
My dm left my house a bit of a mess and dirty, not even replacing any food in the fridge, I thought this was bad. Now I am thinking it's better, it was a lot easier to rectify, despite me having to clean it when I had just had a baby. It was lovely and clean when I had left it! I got home to dc1's sticky finger marks all over the sofa, food marks all over, sink soaking around taps and smelling, dirty water smell; it was awful! Dc1 has also been neglected, left sitting infront of the TV for hours, allowed to eat toast in bed etc (he was 2)!

Nanny0gg · 09/02/2025 11:58

Ddakji · 08/02/2025 22:05

Do all the people now winding the OP up about how her mum may or may not be with her baby think they’re being helpful?

It's a valid question.

I feel sorry for the OP but if her parents run roughshod over her home they're likely to do it with her child - because that's what grandparents are for

So she needs to start boundaries now

Custardcreamsbetterwithtea · 09/02/2025 12:03

Nanny0gg · 09/02/2025 11:58

It's a valid question.

I feel sorry for the OP but if her parents run roughshod over her home they're likely to do it with her child - because that's what grandparents are for

So she needs to start boundaries now

Show quote history

Completely agree. This is a huge indicator that DM will most likely over step many other boundaries with her gc.

Paradoes · 09/02/2025 13:00

You’re a good person
I think she felt she’s lost you and it’s the control - she needs you to need her and by her ‘improving’ your home then the focus is back on her and her being important and valued - she went about it in the wrong way and your dad is a lost sheep

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 09/02/2025 14:12

godmum56 · 08/02/2025 22:18

Indeed but I am betting she doesn't knowa single other couple who have parents who would enter their home and repaint a room let alone at a time when one of them was seriously ill andthe other was living in the hospital caring for their newborn child.

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My late mother didn't repaint our home but she did have keys cut and let people stay there when we were away without telling us.

Shade17 · 09/02/2025 14:16

Your mother is guilty of criminal damage, she’s the one who needs to be apologetic and asking how to fix it.

Bestthriller · 09/02/2025 14:50

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 09/02/2025 14:12

My late mother didn't repaint our home but she did have keys cut and let people stay there when we were away without telling us.

Show quote history

What was your and your husband’s response to this @DuckbilledSplatterPuff ?

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 09/02/2025 15:09

@Bestthriller
One of the people who stayed told me quite some time later. We were really cross about it at all but it was very very hard to reason with her. By the time I found out, she was declining. I quietly changed the locks and avoided her getting hold of any other keys.

martinisforeveryone · 09/02/2025 15:22

I just can't believe some of these situations. I'm totally gobsmacked. Any other adult's home is their territory, whether they're your adult child or a complete stranger.

The most I'd do in my child's home is hang washing out, empty bins, vacuum, ironing if they needed it or leave some food prepped. In other words, practical assistance, nothing that needed reversing and then only after a conversation, because it's not only my child's home, it's their partner's too. Even rearranging cupboards and drawers is totally out of order.

I'm so sorry you've had such a hard time with the birth of your precious baby @Blubstering and that you were so ill. This family drama, not to mention the mess made in your house, is the last thing you need.

I'm sat in my living room looking at the lovely neutral walls trying to imagine the scene you describe and I'm horrified. Not only that but to play the martyr and make out you're 'ungrateful' I certainly wouldn't be trying to smooth over your parents' ruffled feathers.

Take your time to get better and enjoy your baby. Maybe one day you'll laugh at the crazy decorator' antics, but for now, focus on your priorities and just wait to see what they come up with.

Bestthriller · 09/02/2025 15:23

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 09/02/2025 15:09

@Bestthriller
One of the people who stayed told me quite some time later. We were really cross about it at all but it was very very hard to reason with her. By the time I found out, she was declining. I quietly changed the locks and avoided her getting hold of any other keys.

Edited

Did you not get a sense people had been staying at your home when you returned?!

im fascinated by this 😆

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 09/02/2025 15:49

@Bestthriller
yes which is why it came up in conversation with the relative who stayed. But Dh thought I was imagining it. It's a long time ago now. But this thread reminded me of it. **

MarkWithaC · 09/02/2025 15:50

Leave them to sulk. When/if they get back in touch pretending nothing has happened, tell them they need to reimburse you for the cost of putting it back the way you wanted it.
As for the MIL: 'DH has basically said ‘that’s fine mum, see you when we see you’ to which she’s decided not to come at all.'. Win! Grin

Bestthriller · 09/02/2025 15:52

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 09/02/2025 15:49

@Bestthriller
yes which is why it came up in conversation with the relative who stayed. But Dh thought I was imagining it. It's a long time ago now. But this thread reminded me of it. **

Also a bit weird and rude that the people who had the run of your home whilst you were away never once contacted you to thank you!

coldscottishmum · 09/02/2025 17:47

I’m so shocked your mum took it upon herself to pull your Livingroom apart and redecorate just as you’ve given birth. Usually the days before birth your pottering about putting your nappies/wipes/clothes in assigned areas and easily accessible to you. I find it strange she may have undone it all on the face of her not liking your decor taste? Your old Livingroom sounded lovely, I bet the sun was beaming in your Livingroom in summer. All she’s done is add unnecessary extra work and expense. She could’ve decorated her own Livingroom or bought you a cushion if the itch was really there!

Tonkie18 · 09/02/2025 17:50

Argh can’t help but be in two minds.. I’ve always had to help my parents and look after them. I’ve never received support or gestures like that so I can’t help but be a bit jealous that someone would do something like that..

but on the other hand it sounds absolutely horrendous and after having a new baby you want your house perfect. Especially not with a loud colour you don’t like or didn’t want..

it is a bit weird to have done without you expressing any want for it. I’d send a message. They’re your parents. They meant well. It’s not worth falling out over. We only get one Mum and her heart was in the right place.

maybe DH can fix the situation so you don’t have to look at it. Not ideal, but what is done is done. Focus on your new baby and enjoy these moments. You’ve already been through enough with childbirth and sepsis!

all the best!

MusicMakesItAllBetter · 09/02/2025 17:52

Tell them to come and fix it by going back to how it works as before

LouiseTopaz · 09/02/2025 17:52

You've just had a baby and they have given you more work to do, they are seriously in the wrong and have massively over stepped boundaries.

fingerbobz · 09/02/2025 17:55

How bloody thoughtless of your Mother

Is she usually interfering ?