DM redecorated my lounge

[Blubstering]

I KNOW I’m not BU but need to know how to handle this. NC because I’ve spoken to a few people IRL.

I’ve recently had a baby and was in hospital for just over a week. DH was with me most of that time including the first 4 days where he was in with me overnight due to some complications (I had sepsis) and him needing to look after the baby while I wasn’t able to.

Anyway, during those first 4 days, my usually lovely mum decided to completely redecorate my living room. It did not need decorating, it was done fairly recently and we’d just painted it a soft taupy off white, which complimented our existing oak furniture nicely. It was simple but warm.

Mum has painted it a mid grey on 2 walls and royal purple on the other 2 walls. It looks absolutely awful.

DH came home and saw it but didn’t tell me what had happened until the day I came home. He warned me, and when we got home mum was there all smiles and proud of herself thinking she had done a nice thing for us. I felt like one of those people on Changing Rooms the mid 2000’s when they had to stand next to Carol Smiley and pretend to love their new rooms when absolutely everyone in the room knew it looked absolutely dire. She’s not even done a neat job, the purples smudged into the grey walls in the corners and there’s purple on the window frames too.

I said something about feeling very tired and mum took the hint and left but did seem quite off, then I just cried and then went to bed. Mum then texted me and said ‘what do you think??’ So I took the opportunity and replied ‘I really appreciate the thought mum but it’s not our taste, I wish you’d asked us first xx’ which I think was fairly balanced.

I then got a phone call from my dad to say mum was in bits and very offended I’m not more grateful for her efforts and she was only trying to do something nice for us. So I said that I appreciated that but reiterated the colour isn’t to our taste and we hadn’t long since decorated the living room the way we wanted it. He said ‘yes but it was far too plain’… I’m not sure what happened but I’m so tired I physically felt like I couldn’t talk anymore so I just put the phone down.

Anyway the upshot is my parents are now no longer speaking to me and I’ve got a new baby so could really use their support. How do I fix this??

What the fuck! I would have kicked off royally if someone did this to my house!!

I can't believe what I've just read. I'd be incredulous.

You really don't need this at all. Hoping you stop bleeding asap and can start to get some energy back. Well done on not contacting dps.

Try not to dwell on all of this too much now. Stay home with baby and DH as a new little family unit and look after each other. No one else needs attention right now, they can all just wait. Turn your phone off, make DH get a load of food in and just rest and recuperate and enjoy your new baby.

I understand the difference in relationships between a mother and MIL. But just from my point of view, you've made a lot of excuses for your mum's behaviour, which is understandable and fine. I think if you looked at your Mil in that light, you might be a little more forgiving of her as well. I'm not judging, I had a similar relationship with my MIL. But with the benefit of hindsight, I realise she really wasn't that bad at all, just another human with faults, like we all have

How do I fix this??

When you're back on your feet, pop round while they're out and paint their living room 😅

My dad did the same to me when I went on holiday - came back to find a room painted - badly. Whenever he's round at mine he's looking for furniture he can take, or what he can put in my house, or he wants to swap my pictures with his. I don't let him have a key anymore, and amuse myself watching the tricks he tries to get one! I think its because he views me as a child (I'm 51) and my house is therefore just an extension of his - it drives me mad.

Good for you for sticking up for yourself - I never did, just quietly repainted and let it all fester - I'll lose it one day!

Sounds like you’ve had a horrific time and you are doing brilliantly. DH sounds pretty fab too.
I would probably just message my mum and say ‘look I really need you right now, this is the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through’. I’m sure they’d be there like a shot.
Good luck.

I can sympathise with you OP. I have a mum like yours except she's batshit all the time not just sometimes.

I went on my honeymoon and made the mistake of leaving her a set of keys to "keep an eye on the house". I came back from honeymoon to find all my possessions stacked up in the living room. I couldn't even get in the door of the room. It wasn't even stuff I needed. Just ancient shit from the loft as like you I lived at home pre-marriage.

She's pretty much banned from my house as that's the tip of a very big iceberg.

With your parents they will never admit they did anything wrong. Their brains don't even compute why you'd be upset at them "helping you" so there's literally no point arguing with that. I'd file it under "shit to deal with later" and patch up for now as you need the help.

Your mum should pay for the bloody decorator!

Has anyone pointed out that new paint fumes would not be a great idea for a newborn and someone recovering from a serious illness?

I know from experience that sometimes when you have a baby, your own parents can be pushy and try to be in charge, and get angry and difficult when you don't just do what they want, or rail against your own plans and rules for childcare.

My advice is - any parent deciding not to talk to you in the circumstances described can sit and sulk on their own as long as they like. Don't give in and say sorry if you have done nothing wrong. They have no power in this, and can either give in and come back, hopefully demonstrating some contrition, or they can stay away and miss out.

If you roll over and let them, they will run your life, the way they want.

You sound so level headed and more than fair OP, and what a lot you’ve been through - many people would have not unreasonably gone ballistic. Sorry all parents are letting you down. Sounds like DH on same page though so really that’s the battle won. Best wishes for your recovery xx

btw I also agree with OP's judgement to not send DH round to fight battles with her parents. That would end up with more problems, sames as if she remonstrated directly with his parents.

I think this is perfect OP! Tells them exactly how you feel, and puts the ball firmly in their court.

Meanwhile, MANY congratulations on the birth of your baby, and sending you all good wishes for a speedy recovery now that you're back at home.

I just message back and say, I'm sorry I don't like your colour choices, but stop being so over bearing and pull yourself together making it all about you, we can't all like the same things.
I have just had a very rough time having a baby and have been very ill, I'm tired and haven't got the time or energy for you both behaving like two spoiled brats, pull yourselves together and come and help me with your grandchild

First o all, love the name!

Second, are you me? This is my mother and my DB, I will never understand why my SIL puts up with it.

My DF was similar but in a good way, I’d come home to a spotless house, he’d get annoyed seeing a job needed doing and DH and I not jumping straight on it so he’d turn up with his own tools to fix things. He actually did decorate and paint when we were away but used paint we had in the garage for months. DH and I are terrible procrastinators, we also dont have the same “ standards” for want of a better word that my DF had. We were find not doing the dishes immediately or leaving the clothes washing for a few days. My DF couldn’t stand that and would do these jobs. I think I liked it as my mother is a total narcissistic and couldn’t stand me and my DF having a relationship which he enabled, so when he retired and she was still at work he’d pop over to my house, it drove her mad she couldn’t stop him and I liked him doing things for me. I was more than happy my DF had a key to my house, but I never got it back after he died so I changed the locks.

I'm sorry, because I too believe the OP's mother did a horrible, insensitive, rude and stupid thing, but as a multi-dog owner your comment "It's like weeing to make her mark" had me in stitches, which has driven away a pretty rotten day - so thank you for that!

The timing is horrendous

The house was empty for 4days...

Oh my god .. what have I just read

this is exactly the tricks my mother plays - does something wrong then plays the victim

so the attention is now not on you needing care with a new baby- it’s about her needing sympathy and attention

she planned this

Be glad she's not speaking to you, keep it up, it will give you a chance to establish the boundaries between you that should be there. Astonishing behaviour from a mother of adult children. Awful. My sympathy.

No one is suggesting that perfect relationships are the norm but what you describe is off the scale.

Unless you do as they do, they rubbish you.
They parrot on about how great they are to offer money you don't accept.
You are 38 and are treated with considerably respect for your choices than my 17 year old daughter.
This is utterly toxic.

It will affect your rearing of your child and will damage your child to see you treated as stupid, incompetent and incapable.

You will be undermined constantly.
Use this time to create firm boundaries.
Never give her a key again. Ever.

She will spoil this time if you don't get real.
38 years old? Unbelievable.
Get therapy and protect yourself and your baby from their need to control and dominate you.

Consider moving if she won't behave.

OP, I really admire your insights and balance in regard to your parents. You sound great, keep trusting your instincts as a mum and a daughter.

Completely agree. Best thing is too just ignore them.