DM redecorated my lounge

[Blubstering]

I KNOW I’m not BU but need to know how to handle this. NC because I’ve spoken to a few people IRL.

I’ve recently had a baby and was in hospital for just over a week. DH was with me most of that time including the first 4 days where he was in with me overnight due to some complications (I had sepsis) and him needing to look after the baby while I wasn’t able to.

Anyway, during those first 4 days, my usually lovely mum decided to completely redecorate my living room. It did not need decorating, it was done fairly recently and we’d just painted it a soft taupy off white, which complimented our existing oak furniture nicely. It was simple but warm.

Mum has painted it a mid grey on 2 walls and royal purple on the other 2 walls. It looks absolutely awful.

DH came home and saw it but didn’t tell me what had happened until the day I came home. He warned me, and when we got home mum was there all smiles and proud of herself thinking she had done a nice thing for us. I felt like one of those people on Changing Rooms the mid 2000’s when they had to stand next to Carol Smiley and pretend to love their new rooms when absolutely everyone in the room knew it looked absolutely dire. She’s not even done a neat job, the purples smudged into the grey walls in the corners and there’s purple on the window frames too.

I said something about feeling very tired and mum took the hint and left but did seem quite off, then I just cried and then went to bed. Mum then texted me and said ‘what do you think??’ So I took the opportunity and replied ‘I really appreciate the thought mum but it’s not our taste, I wish you’d asked us first xx’ which I think was fairly balanced.

I then got a phone call from my dad to say mum was in bits and very offended I’m not more grateful for her efforts and she was only trying to do something nice for us. So I said that I appreciated that but reiterated the colour isn’t to our taste and we hadn’t long since decorated the living room the way we wanted it. He said ‘yes but it was far too plain’… I’m not sure what happened but I’m so tired I physically felt like I couldn’t talk anymore so I just put the phone down.

Anyway the upshot is my parents are now no longer speaking to me and I’ve got a new baby so could really use their support. How do I fix this??

I think that people post hyperbolic stuff on social media that is zero reflection of how actual adults function in the real
world.

The OP sounds like an actual adult. Who’s just had a baby, has said her piece to her mum, and now just needs to rest up and enjoy her baby.

@Blubstering just to warn you that very soon that you will need to start asserting your boundaries.

It sounds like your parents are, in the main, decent people but are very entrenched in their thinking.
At some point, when your DS is older, they will probably be spouting their 'truth' to him. At this point (or before then) you will need to shut this down. They can't just talk BS to your DC just because they 'believe' it to be true.

It's batshit crazy behaviour. Home is a sanctuary and how you decorate is so personal and important in how it makes you feel. Calm, warm, relaxed. I just wanted to say you sound like the loveliest couple and I hope you recover asap and can then enjoy these first months with your gorgeous baby 🧡Take good care OP

It's such a bonkers thing to do! I do wonder what went through her head. Of all the things to pick to do for a post baby surprise, decorating is something that wouldn't even be on the radar. Cleaning, cooking, presents...not painting! I'm sure it will be ok and you'll laugh about it one day. Sounds like her heart was in the right place, but she just went way out there with the idea. Congratulations on your new baby.

This is absolutely nuts from both sets of parents! I actually feel so sad for you and your dh that you’re having to deal with this after all you have gone through.
i know the temptation is to believe you may be in the wrong after a while particularly with the hormones going around but I really want to tell you that you’re not!!!!

Your mum was so so so wrong and do not be guilt tripped just because they did other nice things for you like being clothes etc. Aside from everything else they shouldn’t have painted a house with a newborn due to come home because of the fumes!!!!

Your MIL sounds awful. Let her be but at a distance. Who in their right minds decides to stay with a new family learning how to breastfeed etc etc? What a witch!
My kids are older but my heartbreaks for you.

You sound so reasonable, clear sighted and well adjusted despite all the trauma you’ve recently endure.Congratulations on your DS.
your DM was likely deranged from worry over your birth & post partum story (doesn’t excuse the 70s style botch job or the guilting afterwards)and ICU admission & did some heavy transference into the decoration distraction. Lots of good advice on the thread not that you need really as clearly YANBU - let the DPs come to you after some reflection and focus on recovery and BF and bonding. Good on you for keeping your head & sensible boundaries with mental DPs x3 Oh and get your wonderful DH signed off work because of the extra stress at home and needing to care for you.💐

If I was told I’d done something my daughter disliked - I’d not see that as doing the right thing. I’d get it that it’s too early now to laugh at it. Op lucky to be here and by the sounds of it wants her mums help

no but presumably you wouldn't have gone into her house at such a terrible time and repainted a room without her knowledge or permission

mil sounds "awful and a witch" but mum was only "so wrong"?

How do you think she'll be with your baby?

How many of your preferences will she know better about?

It's so difficult to even comprehend people having parents like this when yours are relatively normal.

My dp's and IL's would never even think of coming and redecorating our house. Who the fuck does that?

Its absolutely fucking bonkers behaviour and you don't sound anywhere near angry enough. Obviously you need to rest and concentrate on yourself and your baby but i think you need to put some very firm boundaries in place with your parents going forwards. It sounds like they think they can walk all over you and manipulate you when you disagree with them.

Id be telling them another carry on like this and they won't be seeing you any more, or their new grandchild.

No, I was left looking after the baby in icu
I would have given the house a deep clean to be busy otherwise

Do all the people now winding the OP up about how her mum may or may not be with her baby think they’re being helpful?

I think its worth pointing out to the OP that, so far as she has told us, her view of how bad this incident was and what she should do about it, might be coloured by her upbringing....I think she maybe sees this a bit but honestly I found it slightly worrying that she said she didn't know anybody of her age whose relationship with their parents didn't have some kind of toxic aspect.....those may not have been her exact words. I agree we shouldn't be banging on about it but its worth mentioning IMO

That’s not quite what she said - she said “toxic”. As in, in quote marks. I took that to mean that for some MNers just about every parent-child relationship with have something they seem to be “toxic” about it.

Also - people can be quite different grandparents to how they were parents. So maybe let the OP see how things pan out first, yes?

Indeed but I am betting she doesn't knowa single other couple who have parents who would enter their home and repaint a room let alone at a time when one of them was seriously ill andthe other was living in the hospital caring for their newborn child.

You must be shattered.

Your mum sounds like mine in many ways. It's a bit hard work. But she loves you and was trying to be helpful in a very ill judged way. You handled it well, she has not.

She will just call up and be normal. I would send some photos of the baby before then and say be lovely to see you.

You nearly died. A bit of paint is the least of it.

she disagrees with almost every aspect of my life and my choices and she’s not at all shy making her feelings known so I can’t imagine she’ll be any different about my parenting choices too.

We were abroad for both births, best place to be in my opinion, we came to the UK when No 1 was about 5 weeks and my mother was a bit like you describe, 'I'm entitled to my opinion!'. The response to that is 'Yes you are, just like you're entitled to your opinion on the business of the UN, but it doesn't mean anyone will take notice of you!'. I told her in that first visit, 'There are only two opinions that matter and you don't make the cut', she was much quieter after that!

That encapsulates MN, her MIL is evil personified, his MIL is lovely and supportive, not capable of any wrong (except vile taste in interior decoration}.

I’d have been really miffed too so I don’t blame you. Your reply sounds very diplomatic and you can’t be responsible for her feelings. She’ll come round, especially when she wants to see the new baby.

Do you think that your Mum is slightly unhinged by all the excitement ad worry about you, especially as you're an only child? It's a big upheaval for them.

It is such a very odd thing to do and, as you say, out of character.

If that is the case, then you were right to be so controlled about it.

I think it's really odd that people are trying to find excuses for the mum doing what she did.

Me too....

Or another explanation:

I was telling my DH about the post because I found DM and MIL's behaviour so strange.

His suggestion was that DM is jealous and can't stand no longer being the centre of attention, which has now switched to the new mother.

Please re read. Its an exacerbation but not out of character.