Page 23 | DM redecorated my lounge

Blubstering · 2025-02-08T12:29:52+00:00

I KNOW I’m not BU but need to know how to handle this. NC because I’ve spoken to a few people IRL. I’ve recently had a baby and was in hospital for just over a week. DH was with me most of that time including the first 4 days where he was in with me overnight due to some complications (I had sepsis) and him needing to look after the baby while I wasn’t able to. Anyway, during those first 4 days, my usually lovely mum decided to completely redecorate my living room. It did not need decorating, it was done fairly recently and we’d just painted it a soft taupy off white, which complimented our existing oak furniture nicely. It was simple but warm. Mum has painted it a mid grey on 2 walls and royal purple on the other 2 walls. It looks absolutely awful. DH came home and saw it but didn’t tell me what had happened until the day I came home. He warned me, and when we got home mum was there all smiles and proud of herself thinking she had done a nice thing for us. I felt like one of those people on Changing Rooms the mid 2000’s when they had to stand next to Carol Smiley and pretend to love their new rooms when absolutely everyone in the room knew it looked absolutely dire. She’s not even done a neat job, the purples smudged into the grey walls in the corners and there’s purple on the window frames too. I said something about feeling very tired and mum took the hint and left but did seem quite off, then I just cried and then went to bed. Mum then texted me and said ‘what do you think??’ So I took the opportunity and replied ‘I really appreciate the thought mum but it’s not our taste, I wish you’d asked us first xx’ which I think was fairly balanced. I then got a phone call from my dad to say mum was in bits and very offended I’m not more grateful for her efforts and she was only trying to do something nice for us. So I said that I appreciated that but reiterated the colour isn’t to our taste and we hadn’t long since decorated the living room the way we wanted it. He said ‘yes but it was far too plain’… I’m not sure what happened but I’m so tired I physically felt like I couldn’t talk anymore so I just put the phone down. Anyway the upshot is my parents are now no longer speaking to me and I’ve got a new baby so could really use their support. How do I fix this??

godmum56 · 08/02/2025 19:59

MikeRafone · 08/02/2025 19:50

you really have been through the mill, retained placenta is bad enough but sepsis onto is terrible

How do I fix this??

I don't think its up to yo9u to fix but after reading your posts through

i'd probably text her with

Hopefully we can look back in years to come, me having a terrible time after birth and you painting the wall a colour I disliked and have a good chuckle - now can you get yourself round here and give your new grandchild some much longed for cuddles asap

I've experience both with my daughter giving birth, its a very frightening time with retained placenta and sepsis and as a mother I can't say I was thinking of repainting. I can imagine the thoughtfulness and how scared your mum has been

hopefully you'll recover well, breast feeding will establish and you'll enjoy your baby

nope do not do this. It will be interpreted as that they did the right thing and the OP is sorry

CheekySnake · 08/02/2025 20:02

Can people please stop saying that OP must have understanding that her mother was scared. Her mother needs to grow up.

OP does not need the burden of her mother's feelings right now. In fact, they're irrelevant. They certainly don't explain entering the house without permission and painting the living room a weird colour, and then sulking when it's pointed out that it was inappropriate)

(Take it from someone who was guilt tripped with 'you can't have a second child it's too stressful for me')

itsjustbiology · 08/02/2025 20:03

Blubstering · 08/02/2025 19:00

I think mum will message me in a day or two and ask after the baby like nothing has happened and honestly, I’ll probably allow that water to pass under the bridge because like a PP said, I’ll regret looking back on this time now and not remembering her being around to help.

She’s not an awful person, she’s just a very mumsy mum and was probably a bit over protective of me and despite the fact I’m 38, I think still thinks I’m a child in lots of ways. I was a late bloomer, didn’t marry until my mid 30’s and so I think she just got used to riding roughshod over my preferences because I lived with them for such a long time. We’ve probably been guilty of a bit of codependency over the years and as a result now I’m married and a mother, she’s struggled with that adjustment.

She was definitely terrified when I was in hospital, she didn’t say anything direct to me or DH but the cuddle she gave me when she saw me said a lot and now I’ve got DS I can imagine seeing your child hurt is one of the hardest things.

The theories about attention seeking don’t make sense for mum, that’s not who she is or how she operates. It’s possible she wanted to assert some sort of control, but again it’s unlikely because she would usually do that by offering us money (which we never accept but the fact she’s offered she then uses as a ‘remember we’ve offered you £XXX to help you because we are such good parents and you can’t cope on your own two feet’ type thing). This would be the perfect time for those shenanigans if she was trying to achieve control.

I genuinely think it was just completely misplaced kindness and totally misjudged, combined with them both thinking taste is finite and not individual preference. It’s hard to explain, but mum and dad both think they have the best of everything because they always make the right choices, when in reality they just have the things THEY think are best, but you can’t disagree with them because they’re never wrong. If you buy (for example) a car that’s a different model to theirs, they’ll tell you what a waste of money it was and how much of a better choice their car was because of course it was the best etc etc. It’s one thing I really struggled with about my parents all my life, it was very difficult to live with particularly as my life took a different path to theirs. I think the colour walls thing comes from the same place - I’m right you’re wrong attitude so that why she’ll have painted it to her tastes, she won’t have contemplated that I wouldn’t like it. It won’t have occurred to her.

Im very willing to hopefully laugh about it one day (when my walls no longer remind me of Willy Wonka’s trousers) and hopefully mum will too.

thats a very toxic unhealthy relationship there Op

Original poster

Blubstering · 08/02/2025 20:08

itsjustbiology · 08/02/2025 20:03

thats a very toxic unhealthy relationship there Op

Show quote history

I don’t disagree, but I don’t know a single person my age who has a perfect relationship with their parents, or doesn’t have something about their parents that’s ‘toxic’ when they think about it. She’s still my mum.

OP posts:

Felicityjoy · 08/02/2025 20:10

Dear Mum and Dad

This is not how I imagined coming home after giving birth to my baby, your first grandchild, would be.

As you know I had a difficult birth and was then very ill with sepsis, and came home still unwell and still bleeding heavily, only to find that our living-room - recently redecorated how we wanted it - had been redecorated by you how you wanted it. I said that I appreciated the intention but the colours you chose for our living room were not to our taste and we wished you had asked us first. Somehow you have turned this around to be my fault and are trying to make me feel guilty because DH and I want to be the ones to choose how our own home is decorated.

I hope you can see how ridiculous this situation is. Do you really, honestly think that you should be able to choose the decor for our home?

Would you like it if I came round to your house while you were away and redecorated it to my taste without consulting you, then tried to make out you were being unreasonable if you objected?

I can’t tell you how upset I am that you have chosen to create this issue and try to label me ungrateful just when I am at my most ill, vulnerable and needing support. Luckily DH is supporting me brilliantly.

It is sad that you apparently do not want to support me or your grandchild, but this is a choice you are making.

Love,
Blubstering

ttcat37 · 08/02/2025 20:12

This is completely nuts. You’re being overly tolerant. Your parents have seriously, seriously overstepped, and this is a huuuuuuge red flag as to how they will be with your child. Turn your back and they’ll have thrown away your son’s clothes and put them in things they bought, introduced formula and got his hair cut. No way would I let this slide!!
In this situation I would be absolutely livid with them and tell them that they need to pay for a decorator to come and sort out this mess asap. And I’d take their key back since they can’t be trusted!

Ddakji · 08/02/2025 20:13

Blubstering · 08/02/2025 20:08

I don’t disagree, but I don’t know a single person my age who has a perfect relationship with their parents, or doesn’t have something about their parents that’s ‘toxic’ when they think about it. She’s still my mum.

Show quote history

The word toxic is flung about so much on MN it’s become almost meaningless.

Bestthriller · 08/02/2025 20:13

Blubstering · 08/02/2025 20:08

I don’t disagree, but I don’t know a single person my age who has a perfect relationship with their parents, or doesn’t have something about their parents that’s ‘toxic’ when they think about it. She’s still my mum.

Show quote history

And you’re happy for your child to witness this “very toxic and unhealthy relationship”?

Ddakji · 08/02/2025 20:14

ttcat37 · 08/02/2025 20:12

This is completely nuts. You’re being overly tolerant. Your parents have seriously, seriously overstepped, and this is a huuuuuuge red flag as to how they will be with your child. Turn your back and they’ll have thrown away your son’s clothes and put them in things they bought, introduced formula and got his hair cut. No way would I let this slide!!
In this situation I would be absolutely livid with them and tell them that they need to pay for a decorator to come and sort out this mess asap. And I’d take their key back since they can’t be trusted!

Edited

You’d have the energy to do all that when you’ve just had a baby and you’re still recovering from that? Don’t be silly.

godmum56 · 08/02/2025 20:14

Ddakji · 08/02/2025 20:13

The word toxic is flung about so much on MN it’s become almost meaningless.

Show quote history

golly you must know a bunch of strange people.....more seriously OP, it can be a defence response to say and even believe that "oh its the same for everybody my age/race/social class" and so-on

JayJayj · 08/02/2025 20:15

I’d definitely be sending her the bill to repay for the cost.

it’s just common sense surely that you don’t repaint someone’s house with asking.

Do not apologise. You haven’t done anything wrong. This is on them.

Bestthriller · 08/02/2025 20:17

you got home from the hospital… yesterday OP?

ttcat37 · 08/02/2025 20:18

Ddakji · 08/02/2025 20:14

You’d have the energy to do all that when you’ve just had a baby and you’re still recovering from that? Don’t be silly.

Show quote history

Silly? If my parents had just destroyed my living room decor I’d flip my fucking lid. It doesn’t take long to send a text saying “what the fuck have you done? You need to get a decorator here next week. And drop the house key off, you clearly can’t be trusted”

TheignT · 08/02/2025 20:19

Blubstering · 08/02/2025 12:36

This is out of character (sort of) for them - mum can be overbearing and they always think their opinions are the only right way to think, but they’ve never done anything like this before.

We’re repainting back to how it was (well, paying a decorator because I’m in no fit state to do anything at the moment and DH is exhausted looking after me).

Their living room is baby blue. Mum likes colour whereas I like more neutrals. The purple is bold even for mum though.

Show quote history

I'm so sorry she did that but you've done nothing wrong. I'm sure she will be back as a new grandchild is a big attraction.

This might make you laugh, or cry, I got home from a fortnights holiday to find my mother had my bathroom redone, I mean not just had new things put in but swapped the bath with the sink and loo. My white suite was now blue and everything was in the wrong place. I was too shocked to speak. Like you I knew she meant well and at least I didn't spend the whole evening in the bathroom.

Congratulations on the new baby.

Thingymajigii · 08/02/2025 20:19

I really feel for you.. the colour scheme is so hideous so I can understand why you couldn't live with it like that.
Your mums reaction to you disliking it is very disappointing but hopefully you can patch things up once she has calmed down and come to her senses!

venusandmars · 08/02/2025 20:27

Blubstering · 08/02/2025 19:00

I think mum will message me in a day or two and ask after the baby like nothing has happened and honestly, I’ll probably allow that water to pass under the bridge because like a PP said, I’ll regret looking back on this time now and not remembering her being around to help.

She’s not an awful person, she’s just a very mumsy mum and was probably a bit over protective of me and despite the fact I’m 38, I think still thinks I’m a child in lots of ways. I was a late bloomer, didn’t marry until my mid 30’s and so I think she just got used to riding roughshod over my preferences because I lived with them for such a long time. We’ve probably been guilty of a bit of codependency over the years and as a result now I’m married and a mother, she’s struggled with that adjustment.

She was definitely terrified when I was in hospital, she didn’t say anything direct to me or DH but the cuddle she gave me when she saw me said a lot and now I’ve got DS I can imagine seeing your child hurt is one of the hardest things.

The theories about attention seeking don’t make sense for mum, that’s not who she is or how she operates. It’s possible she wanted to assert some sort of control, but again it’s unlikely because she would usually do that by offering us money (which we never accept but the fact she’s offered she then uses as a ‘remember we’ve offered you £XXX to help you because we are such good parents and you can’t cope on your own two feet’ type thing). This would be the perfect time for those shenanigans if she was trying to achieve control.

I genuinely think it was just completely misplaced kindness and totally misjudged, combined with them both thinking taste is finite and not individual preference. It’s hard to explain, but mum and dad both think they have the best of everything because they always make the right choices, when in reality they just have the things THEY think are best, but you can’t disagree with them because they’re never wrong. If you buy (for example) a car that’s a different model to theirs, they’ll tell you what a waste of money it was and how much of a better choice their car was because of course it was the best etc etc. It’s one thing I really struggled with about my parents all my life, it was very difficult to live with particularly as my life took a different path to theirs. I think the colour walls thing comes from the same place - I’m right you’re wrong attitude so that why she’ll have painted it to her tastes, she won’t have contemplated that I wouldn’t like it. It won’t have occurred to her.

Im very willing to hopefully laugh about it one day (when my walls no longer remind me of Willy Wonka’s trousers) and hopefully mum will too.

Mu parents were similar. They agreed on most things therefore it must be right. They had no close siblings or living parents to modulate their view so they lived in their bubble of always being right. There was no room for debate, if I disagreed I was wrong. I was terrible at capitulating and giving in, or just doing my own thing and not telling them, but it always felt like 2 against 1. Even as an adult.

I had therapy after they had both died and I have a lot more understanding of the dynamic, and forgiveness for myself (and them) for how it came about.

diddl · 08/02/2025 20:27

She’s still my mum.

She should be treating you better because she's your mum.

Why are parents held to a lesser standard?

TourangaLeila · 08/02/2025 20:32

Op, you really do need to let your DH handle this.

You are sick, vulnerable and way WAY too tolerant.

My DH would have torn them a new one.

It's way more effective sometimes coming from the non-related more objective party.

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 08/02/2025 20:34

Felicityjoy · 08/02/2025 20:10

Dear Mum and Dad

This is not how I imagined coming home after giving birth to my baby, your first grandchild, would be.

As you know I had a difficult birth and was then very ill with sepsis, and came home still unwell and still bleeding heavily, only to find that our living-room - recently redecorated how we wanted it - had been redecorated by you how you wanted it. I said that I appreciated the intention but the colours you chose for our living room were not to our taste and we wished you had asked us first. Somehow you have turned this around to be my fault and are trying to make me feel guilty because DH and I want to be the ones to choose how our own home is decorated.

I hope you can see how ridiculous this situation is. Do you really, honestly think that you should be able to choose the decor for our home?

Would you like it if I came round to your house while you were away and redecorated it to my taste without consulting you, then tried to make out you were being unreasonable if you objected?

I can’t tell you how upset I am that you have chosen to create this issue and try to label me ungrateful just when I am at my most ill, vulnerable and needing support. Luckily DH is supporting me brilliantly.

It is sad that you apparently do not want to support me or your grandchild, but this is a choice you are making.

Love,
Blubstering

Send this!

Avatartar · 08/02/2025 20:35

OP just read all the posts, you are a stalwart and your DH sounds fabulous. You are doing all the right things, letting them all come
to you in their own time but on your terms. If you struggle with routines and sleep over the next couple of months while you heal and bond, maternity nurses are
amazing if your budget can stretch that far. Congratulations on the birth of your baby

popduckhe · 08/02/2025 20:38

Haven't read the whole threat. Congratulations OP. First thing I thought is they have made it about them. Selfish p£^#ks for not speaking to you at this precious time.

Ddakji · 08/02/2025 20:39

ttcat37 · 08/02/2025 20:18

Silly? If my parents had just destroyed my living room decor I’d flip my fucking lid. It doesn’t take long to send a text saying “what the fuck have you done? You need to get a decorator here next week. And drop the house key off, you clearly can’t be trusted”

Show quote history

Of course you would so that in real life 🤔.

Meanwhile, the OP is dealing with with in a much more balanced way.

JustAnotherManicMomday · 08/02/2025 20:40

Tell them if they were in hospital and left their neutral room just the way they like it, then came home to find it in their face I think they would be shocked as well. They know permission should have been asked and now it's only created more work and cost to put it back. Which is an added expense on mat leave that you don't need. They know they were wrong and are trying to save face. I would say I apologise if my reaction upset you however I liked my home the way I left it and please do not in future make big decisions about our home without our input. Then tell them you would appreciate their help to put it back to how it was.

ttcat37 · 08/02/2025 20:48

Ddakji · 08/02/2025 20:39

Of course you would so that in real life 🤔.

Meanwhile, the OP is dealing with with in a much more balanced way.

Show quote history

Yes I absolutely would, what makes you doubt that I would? Do you think that people don’t swear to their parents? Or do you lack boundaries to the point that you’d let them vandalise your house and then forget about it?

TheMadGardener · 08/02/2025 20:49

I'm so sorry for all the stress you've been under, OP, and hope you feel much better soon and enjoy your baby. Your parents should grovel with apologies really.

This has given me flashbacks to when I was about 11. My bedroom (we lived with our grandparents) was quite shabby in a neutral, old-fashioned way (think old white wallpaper with wildflowers on it, inoffensive and I was fine with it being shabby. I went to Guide camp and discovered on my return that my mother had breezed in and thought she'd give me a lovely surprise by decorating my bedroom (bright orange stripey wallpaper, garish curtains with huge orange and turquoise flowers). I HATE orange and I hated the look of my bedroom and was duly criticised for my face falling and not being grateful and thrilled. I had to live with that colour scheme until I was about 16 when I went out and bought some paint and did some of my own decorating!

Hope your mum sees sense and makes it right.