DM redecorated my lounge

[Blubstering]

I KNOW I’m not BU but need to know how to handle this. NC because I’ve spoken to a few people IRL.

I’ve recently had a baby and was in hospital for just over a week. DH was with me most of that time including the first 4 days where he was in with me overnight due to some complications (I had sepsis) and him needing to look after the baby while I wasn’t able to.

Anyway, during those first 4 days, my usually lovely mum decided to completely redecorate my living room. It did not need decorating, it was done fairly recently and we’d just painted it a soft taupy off white, which complimented our existing oak furniture nicely. It was simple but warm.

Mum has painted it a mid grey on 2 walls and royal purple on the other 2 walls. It looks absolutely awful.

DH came home and saw it but didn’t tell me what had happened until the day I came home. He warned me, and when we got home mum was there all smiles and proud of herself thinking she had done a nice thing for us. I felt like one of those people on Changing Rooms the mid 2000’s when they had to stand next to Carol Smiley and pretend to love their new rooms when absolutely everyone in the room knew it looked absolutely dire. She’s not even done a neat job, the purples smudged into the grey walls in the corners and there’s purple on the window frames too.

I said something about feeling very tired and mum took the hint and left but did seem quite off, then I just cried and then went to bed. Mum then texted me and said ‘what do you think??’ So I took the opportunity and replied ‘I really appreciate the thought mum but it’s not our taste, I wish you’d asked us first xx’ which I think was fairly balanced.

I then got a phone call from my dad to say mum was in bits and very offended I’m not more grateful for her efforts and she was only trying to do something nice for us. So I said that I appreciated that but reiterated the colour isn’t to our taste and we hadn’t long since decorated the living room the way we wanted it. He said ‘yes but it was far too plain’… I’m not sure what happened but I’m so tired I physically felt like I couldn’t talk anymore so I just put the phone down.

Anyway the upshot is my parents are now no longer speaking to me and I’ve got a new baby so could really use their support. How do I fix this??

Flipping heck, a cake and a bunch of flowers is doing something nice not redecorating someone else's house. Your parents are bonkers to think they could do that.

Generally if someone nearly dies of sepsis and then returns home still pretty ill and under the weather they aren't expected to host ANYONE or be grateful for having their home redecorated (badly). But somehow it's different if you've just given birth.

The fact that the DM and MIL are not talking to you, gives you a chance to recover in peace and enjoy a bit of calm.
Grab your space whilst you can as they will soon turn up. Then you will need your DH to act as a buffer when they all do and be quite firm with them if they start trying to guilt trip.

I can understand why you don't want to ruin this special time by having a big argument with her.
But you've mentioned more issues. I am still shocked when you mildly said you didn't like the paint job, she got your Dad to ring up and tell you off and then they stopped speaking to you.. When you had a life threatening condition and have just had a very complicated birth. You really didn't need this kind of stress or upset. But it does sound like you are in a good place now and your DH is very supportive, so I hope you are taking this chance to relax and recover.

I think that this has probably opened your eyes to how overbearing they are and I do think that when the time is right you will have to say something about their behaviour. I hope you remember that you did NOTHING wrong.

Having a small baby does make you start to be more assertive as you have to make their needs a priority whatever relatives demand. Your own small family unit comes first. You are in charge now. This is your time. Wishing you all the best.

Op you are a mother now
You need to stop with the incessant excuses for your mother and you need to woman up. And thinking about it… your husband could also do with finding himself a spine

You dealt with that well. Just give them time. Send a card saying it was thoughtful and you appreciate their intentions were good but could she imagine if you’d painted her room a colour she didn’t like.

It’ll be a funny story one day.

This is very intrusive on their part.
If they aren't tripping over themselves to apologise and see your new baby, I'd let them crack on.

If you go simpering to them while they're the ones in the wrong then they'll trample allover your boundaries forever more.

It's a shame at this time but it's all on them.

Congratulations on your baby 👶

I agree - we’ve already said she’s going to be overbearing when baby arrives, we have a plan for that but I didn’t expect the opposite.

I think if Op does that her Mum will just continue to trample over her.

That would piss me off no end.

Not quite as drastic but my parents have overstepped in a similar fashion.

Years ago I returned from work to discover they'd let themselves in and given me several items of furniture without my knowledge. They never said a thing just left me to discover it. So I got home from work and found they'd deposited a couple of chests of drawers, an ottoman and a coffee table! The drawers belonged to a family friend who was getting rid of them, the other stuff was new but it was the fact they they didn't even bother to ask me that pissed me off.

When I told them how annoyed I was my Dad started going mental, ranting about sending it back. I did end up keeping most of it but I was so annoyed at them, like they thought I'm a kid who doesn't know how to live and they needed to show me. My mother is quite anxious/controlling so maybe it was her idea. I would never do that to anyone and the paint thing makes me shudder.

@CarolinaWren same!

Whilst I agree with your latest comment in terms of hoping to reach an eventual place of being able to laugh about this with your parents, I do think you'd be doing yourself a disservice (as well as potential future issues) if you don't discuss this properly with them and explain your hurt to them.

I'd be tempted to write a letter comprised of your post above and the comment you were replying to and send it to them.

Sweeping things under the rug now isn't a great idea, as much as you want to get back on track.

It doesn't need heated words and arguments, just for them to understand how their well meaning actions were both upsetting and a huge over step and that their doubling down was truly hurtful to you at a point of vulnerability.

This.

It's so off the scale bat shit crazy.

I am so sorry that this very special time in your lives has been marred by your mothers. I voted that you are not being unreasonable but I wanted to say that I think your mum thought she was doing a really lovely thing for you and didn’t mention it because she wanted you to have a wonderful surprise. She got it wrong unfortunately. But it came from a place of love. You need to sit down with her and tell her exactly how you feel, then redecorate and move on.

Right now your first priority has to be yourself and baby. So you do whatever you need to to get through this time. Dh should take the time to stock your freezer with simple meals or use a meal delivery service for a while. Keep lunches as simple as possible, minimal prep, minimal washing up. If you can afford a cleaner for a short period of time, even if it's just to hoover, wipe surfaces and do laundry it would be well worth it. Take time to rest, marvel in your baby and all those newborn snuggles, sleep whenever you can and let your dh cover the rest, plus outside help where you can get it. If your dh can add some annual leave to his paternity leave then it's well worth it as you need to take the time to recover mentally and physically. Do not underestimate how rest will improve your longterm recovery.

Let your mum come around in her own time. She will likely sweep it under the carpet and your dynamic seems such that you will be OK with this to keep the peace and if that suits you for now then fair enough.

What I would say is that my mum thought something had gone badly wrong when I was having ds as I was in theatre for 3.5 hours. When I finally came out, she solely focused on me and burst into tears as she thought she might have lost me. She ignored ds and was a bit abrupt with dh. Neither of us took it to heart and once she had convinced herself that I was OK, hugged dh congratulations and held and kissed her grandson. I'm not saying what your mum did was OK, for me it was a huge overstep of boundaries but sometimes people do stupid stuff when worried or scared. What isn't OK is putting it on you and withdrawing contact when you need her. That is hurtful and unkind.

In that case I would just let it fizzle out.
You handle it well, she knows that you didn't like it- I presume that it wont happen again- so just let it go.

Maybe she really thought that it'll make you happy, nice surprise.

Congratulations on your baby, OP!

I think this will absolutely be something you will all laugh about in future, including your mum and dad.

I think your approach sounds right, leave it a few days, and everyone can pretend it never happened and get on with worshipping DS.

OP, I just want to say you sound lovely and so level headed. Enjoy your baby and I hope you feel better soon.

It might not have been malicious but it was unlikely that you it wouldn't lead to work for you.

I mean honestly when people are in the midst of decorating & it's undercoat on the walls it's pretty easy to tell!

I am sorry that you have to deal with such an unexpected horror instead of enjoying your own home with your baby.

you really have been through the mill, retained placenta is bad enough but sepsis onto is terrible

How do I fix this??

I don't think its up to yo9u to fix but after reading your posts through

i'd probably text her with

Hopefully we can look back in years to come, me having a terrible time after birth and you painting the wall a colour I disliked and have a good chuckle - now can you get yourself round here and give your new grandchild some much longed for cuddles asap

I've experience both with my daughter giving birth, its a very frightening time with retained placenta and sepsis and as a mother I can't say I was thinking of repainting. I can imagine the thoughtfulness and how scared your mum has been

hopefully you'll recover well, breast feeding will establish and you'll enjoy your baby

There’s nothing you need to fix, you’ve done nothing wrong. Your response was far more measured that I would have been able to manage. They need to apologise for massively over stepping. Have it repainted, send them the bill and change your locks. Congratulations on your new baby.

You see you were preparing for her to just behave as normal. What she did isn't normal. She painted 4 walls in your lounge. Yes, she painted them so that when you have guests other than her and your in-laws, if someone asked about the colour scheme or that you had done some decorating since they were last there, you would have no option but to mention her and what she has done so she would be in every conversation.
You were also preparing based on her not doing something like this but she has and she was also expecting you to say "Oh that's lovely, thanks mum" and move on. Neither you nor your DH did that because her behaviour is so off the wall to be considered acceptable you have behaved in a completely reasonable way when you discovered what she has done.

You didn't plan for the opposite because you weren't expecting her to behave against type.

I wouldn't let this one go. I really wouldn't. You'll find in a short time frame that she will decide to be the person to get the first lock of your baby's hair and will cut it and once again fail to see that she has overstepped/done something so bat shit crazy to be normal. If it's not the hair thing, it will be something to do with clothes or getting some photographs done or a baptism that she'll arrange. It will happen because you have not put your foot down about this (or you'll be too gentle for her to realise that she has had an admonishing!)

Hope you start to feel more like yourself soon. I don't think in any of my earlier posts I congratulated you on your son so let me right that wrong now - Congratulations to you and your DH on the birth of your son.

Royal Purple ??😮

Is your mother's title HRH by any chance ?

Maybe you should schedule a visit for her from the Community Psychiatric Nurse?

I don't know how you can fix this but do you want to? If she goes off on a tangent like this without provocation do you really want her looking after you DCs ?

Almost as batty as the poster who suggested sending a card "saying it was thoughtful and you appreciate their intentions were good but could she imagine if you’d painted her room a colour she didn’t like".

Err... WHAT??

Blow that for a game of solders- it was stupid and patronising, as though OP and her H didn't have the brain power to decide what colour they liked, not "thoughtful" or full of "good intentions" at all!!

What comes across is the warmth of the way you talk about your DM. The way you are handling this is great. Take time for yourself and DH and DS to settle down together without having to manage other people's feelings. Your DM will be desperate to see you and make up lost time with her DGS so will likely wave an olive branch soon.
Congratulations on the new arrival!