DM redecorated my lounge

[Blubstering]

I KNOW I’m not BU but need to know how to handle this. NC because I’ve spoken to a few people IRL.

I’ve recently had a baby and was in hospital for just over a week. DH was with me most of that time including the first 4 days where he was in with me overnight due to some complications (I had sepsis) and him needing to look after the baby while I wasn’t able to.

Anyway, during those first 4 days, my usually lovely mum decided to completely redecorate my living room. It did not need decorating, it was done fairly recently and we’d just painted it a soft taupy off white, which complimented our existing oak furniture nicely. It was simple but warm.

Mum has painted it a mid grey on 2 walls and royal purple on the other 2 walls. It looks absolutely awful.

DH came home and saw it but didn’t tell me what had happened until the day I came home. He warned me, and when we got home mum was there all smiles and proud of herself thinking she had done a nice thing for us. I felt like one of those people on Changing Rooms the mid 2000’s when they had to stand next to Carol Smiley and pretend to love their new rooms when absolutely everyone in the room knew it looked absolutely dire. She’s not even done a neat job, the purples smudged into the grey walls in the corners and there’s purple on the window frames too.

I said something about feeling very tired and mum took the hint and left but did seem quite off, then I just cried and then went to bed. Mum then texted me and said ‘what do you think??’ So I took the opportunity and replied ‘I really appreciate the thought mum but it’s not our taste, I wish you’d asked us first xx’ which I think was fairly balanced.

I then got a phone call from my dad to say mum was in bits and very offended I’m not more grateful for her efforts and she was only trying to do something nice for us. So I said that I appreciated that but reiterated the colour isn’t to our taste and we hadn’t long since decorated the living room the way we wanted it. He said ‘yes but it was far too plain’… I’m not sure what happened but I’m so tired I physically felt like I couldn’t talk anymore so I just put the phone down.

Anyway the upshot is my parents are now no longer speaking to me and I’ve got a new baby so could really use their support. How do I fix this??

Why eat humble pie to someone who has badly overstepped the mark and effectively vandalised OP's house?

OP's mother should be learning that she can't just trample over boundaries like this. If she even knows what boundaries are, that is. She should at the very least be offering to pay to have it put right now, although I am almost willing to bet that she won't. I'd certainly put it to her though and wouldn't care at all if she didn't like hearing that. Maybe it would teach her not to march into other people's homes and paint the walls unwanted colours.

Maybe if you bothered to read OP's comments you'd have read: "She was looking after my plants while I was in hospital (I have an extensive rare houseplant collection, it’s a hobby we share) so we gave her a key."

Op… the attention is on you for the first time
and now there’s a baby in the mix
please say you don’t have plans for this woman to provide childcare in future?

Do you not think you might be giving her a bit too much credit? I can’t imagine anyone with relatively normal intelligence could actually believe this to be a kind and helpful thing to do. And then to guilt trip you when you (with incredible politeness!) admitted you weren’t keen, followed by refusing to speak to you when you are a new mum recovering from a horrendous birth experience… I think she must be one of the most toxic narcissists I’ve ever read about on here, and that’s saying something!

You need to do a bit of self reflection now because you have been astonishingly permissive with her. Appreciate you are in a vulnerable state at the moment, but if contact resumes you’ll need to start advocating for yourself or she’ll keep walking all over you.

Sorry your birth was so bad, mine was too, I would wholeheartedly recommend Illy at mixingupmotherhood for a private debrief. I would also really recommend finding a good paediatric osteopath/chiropractor if the birth wasn’t good, the NHS can’t recommend this but the NHS didn’t pick up a birth injury in my daughter and the chiropractor did.
your mum has majorly messed up, Cadbury purple on the lounge wall IS LUDICROUS. I’d be furious . I don’t know if you’re able to find it funny it’s so ludicrous, maybe in time. I think you handled her completely appropriately, it’s on her how she takes it. Take your time before you meet people, protect yourself & focus on your little one.

Get a grip. No one has the right to stay uninvited at someone else's house. Whatever the circumstances.

@TheFormidableMrsC
It makes me want to go round maternity units with some sort of food trolley at all hours! Poor women are probably still going through the same thing we did!

He said ‘yes but it was far too plain’

Talk about missing the point! 'Dad, we don't think it was plain-we liked it and now we are having to pay someone to put it back to how it was. How would you have felt if your mother in law had redecorated your lounge when you had just painted it with a colour you really liked?!'

My husband bloomin ate all the snacks I’d packed!!

That slice of toast though…. Best thing I’ve ever eaten. Ever. White, cheap, delicious

OMG. Who in their right mind redecorates someone else's house without asking? I'm not surprised you're annoyed!

Can you take a non identifying pic op…. Cadbury’s purple, just awful!

Do you not think you might be giving her a bit too much credit?

I agree with that tbh.

She had 200 plants to check for pests every day!

I mean no one paints someone's sitting room wall purple without their say so unless they want some attention/drama/fallout do they?

That's insane. Not only is it way out of line, but why would anyone think it would be sensible to bring a new baby back to a house that's going to smell of paint.

I think your response was very measured.

@Blubstering
I just want to say I'm really sorry you've had this start to motherhood. It sounds traumatic and scary for you both. I had a PPH which was luckily dealt with v quickly. If I had come home to a purple lounge I would have absolutely sobbed at the thought of all the work needed to resolve it.

On the breastfeeding front, there are some great resources online . Olivia Lactation Consultant on Instagram has some brilliant videos.

You really shouldn't have to deal with that drama right now.

Either this is worrying batshit behaviour, or I'm assuming your mother has a history of reading people incorrectly, being controlling & manipulative and good at painting herself as a victim when put on the spot.

I think you handled it brilliantly. I don’t think I could have contained myself.

Your father has really added insult to injury here.

I would leave them be on this to give them time to think long and hard about what their priorities should be, which is you and your baby.

I hope you don’t mind me saying (I’m not an expert, but I had remaining placenta which started to get quite nasty, but caught in time with antibiotics), but shouldn’t the bleeding have stopped by now? Be very mindful of the odour. If it seems wrong, it really is wrong.

Best wishes to you and your little family 💐

Oh god op, I feel for you on many levels. Haven't managed to wade through the whole thread but I bloody hope they are talking to you again - that bit is unforgivable and you handled the initial conversation really well.

I can see how this was intended as potentially a lovely surprise and I imagine your mum's shock and shame at having got it so wrong has backed her into a corner. Not your problem though.

She should have immediately offered to put it back to how it was and in time you could have potentially had a laugh about that crazy time your mum got it so wrong but instead she doubled down - probably out of embarrassment. Easier to paint you as a bit post partum crazy and ungrateful than own her massive fuck up.

Hope you're ok.

Whatever team mum is , there is no need to be grateful for an act which is totally unwanted, and is a clear over step causing inconvenience, expense and stress.

Purple is my favourite colour but even I wouldn't paint my walls royal purple. Unless you had said that you needed it repainting and wanted it that colour, then your mum is out of order and has overstepped. It's great to hear that your husband is being so supportive, so I'd say just focus on the two of you and your baby and leave your parents to come to their senses.

It could also be a delayed response to almost losing her child. I feel the responses here are unfair.

Are you quite well?

HNRTFT but I actually think if this is true ,that your Mum must be having a breakdown.
She genuinely thinks she has done a kind thing for you and obviously went to a lot of effort so I would try and repair the relationship with her .
Dont let the happy memories of the birth of your son be ruined by an unwise decision.
Hopefully they will pay for redecorating.
Cannot understand why your father couldn’t have intervened when your Mum suggested doing this.

I'm so sorry OP. Honestly, I could weep for you. Your lovely room ruined, and now your mum not there when you need her. I don't know what you can do except give it a bit of time. She'll want to see the baby, and you, too much to keep avoiding you for long.
You did the right thing BTW, by saying you weren't pleased with her decorating because now she's most unlikely to do anything similar again.

Congrats on your new baby.

Firstly get your living room returned to you, the sooner the better. It is going to urk you every time you walk into the room and you don't need it. Also change the locks to avoid further issue with asking for your keys back.

Then deal with DM. You don't "fix" this, she does. I'm not sure how you get through to someone who feels so entitled to damage your home like this and divest herself of any responsibility by claiming good intentions backed up by your DF's grumbling guilt trip to reinforce her position.

You can explain why you're unhappy with her altering your home and the implications, especially at this time. I'd also tell her you've restored your home and the unnecessary expenditure you have suffered. Maybe point out that it has cost you more than having your house trashed by burglars, because
at least those costs would be covered by insurance.

How DM fixes this is by acknowledgement of her action, covering the cost of putting it right and remorse.

I hope this happens and your DM becomes reasonable. If you don't draw this line now, you can likely expect more cheeky and intrusive behaviour like this.

OMG, that’s awful! So incredibly disrespectful, even if well meant. It’s your home! And it’s not a good idea to expose newborns to paint fumes.

How to fix it? I don’t think there’s anything more you can do. I’d have lost it with her and I love colour: have dark purple floor length curtains in my bedroom. Would never paint the walls that colour though! You’ve been so calm, empathetic and honest.

It’s for your mum to fix it by profusely apologising for her disrespect, followed by the petulant nastiness of giving you the silent treatment when you’ve been so ill and just brought home your first baby. Hopefully, she’ll want to help and say sorry.

Try to see the funny side with your DP. Then chill and relax as much as possible. Being relaxed and well nourished is so important to breastfeeding. Do you have good friends, siblings or neighbours who could help you out? Can your DP work from home sometimes so there’s someone there to make you healthy meals and watch the baby while you take a lavender bath etc.?

As for MIL, if she’s judgemental and anti bf, your DP was right to stand his ground with her. You’ve been seriously ill. I’d never expect to stay with my DS and partner if they’d just had a baby. Let alone been seriously ill. I’d choose to stay separately nearby and be as respectful and helpful as possible, including not overstaying my welcome.

Congrats on your baby. Stick with the bf. It’s well worth it and easy once you know how.