DM redecorated my lounge

[Blubstering]

I KNOW I’m not BU but need to know how to handle this. NC because I’ve spoken to a few people IRL.

I’ve recently had a baby and was in hospital for just over a week. DH was with me most of that time including the first 4 days where he was in with me overnight due to some complications (I had sepsis) and him needing to look after the baby while I wasn’t able to.

Anyway, during those first 4 days, my usually lovely mum decided to completely redecorate my living room. It did not need decorating, it was done fairly recently and we’d just painted it a soft taupy off white, which complimented our existing oak furniture nicely. It was simple but warm.

Mum has painted it a mid grey on 2 walls and royal purple on the other 2 walls. It looks absolutely awful.

DH came home and saw it but didn’t tell me what had happened until the day I came home. He warned me, and when we got home mum was there all smiles and proud of herself thinking she had done a nice thing for us. I felt like one of those people on Changing Rooms the mid 2000’s when they had to stand next to Carol Smiley and pretend to love their new rooms when absolutely everyone in the room knew it looked absolutely dire. She’s not even done a neat job, the purples smudged into the grey walls in the corners and there’s purple on the window frames too.

I said something about feeling very tired and mum took the hint and left but did seem quite off, then I just cried and then went to bed. Mum then texted me and said ‘what do you think??’ So I took the opportunity and replied ‘I really appreciate the thought mum but it’s not our taste, I wish you’d asked us first xx’ which I think was fairly balanced.

I then got a phone call from my dad to say mum was in bits and very offended I’m not more grateful for her efforts and she was only trying to do something nice for us. So I said that I appreciated that but reiterated the colour isn’t to our taste and we hadn’t long since decorated the living room the way we wanted it. He said ‘yes but it was far too plain’… I’m not sure what happened but I’m so tired I physically felt like I couldn’t talk anymore so I just put the phone down.

Anyway the upshot is my parents are now no longer speaking to me and I’ve got a new baby so could really use their support. How do I fix this??

You can't be serious? Why should OP eat humble pie when her mother has taken it upon herself to vandalise her house rather than be bloody useful when her daughter has been seriously ill and has a newborn?

No. OP's mother should be apologising for being such an arsehole.

YANBU @Blubstering Sounds like your mum is feeling rejected as she thought she was doing a nice thing. It would have been nicer if she had said to you about doing it and for you to say no need mum, we only redecorated a few months ago. Or no need mum, we don't want baby to be around paint fumes.
My mum thought it would be a lovely thing to repaint our kitchen whilst I was away for a couple of nights. Only, she got my dh to do when he was meant to be taking care of our kids and run his business from home. He was stressed to the eyeballs when I got back and it put a dampener on what could have been a nice room. Plus, the colours she chose were not the ones we had decided on.
My parents have done nice things whilst we have been away like mowing the field lawn, or doing all my ironing.

I hope you start to feel more human soon and that your mum comes around and understands your point of view. I would be very curious as to why she chose the colours she did though.

Congratulations on your new baby too💐

@Blubstering your dads reaction that the problem is that your mum is upset chimes with yours that you need to fix this.

You have an overbearing mum who is ok as long as she’s getting her own way. Now she isn’t the mum of the family but the grandma, you need to be clear - both to your parents and yourself - that your priority is not her happiness.

She upset you. She needs to fix it. You do not contact them at all now. If they reach out to you, tell them how much it is going to cost you to redecorate, and that you are really upset they ruined your first day home with your baby. Be the one who is angry that they need to fix their relationship with.

do not fall into old habits that it’s your job to make your mum feel better about what she did that upset you.

So if the DM wasn’t looking after the first born whilst parents in hospital.., why was she in the house?!

OP said that she has a key and she was watering their plants.

The thing is they dont give a shit about her. Painting someone elses house isnt about the person who lives in the house. Its all about the person who painted it and wanted all attention and praises.

I'm sorry you're going through such a rough time OP. You've been through a lot and it's a real shame that the people around you aren't being the support you need right now.

Your mother was out of order painting your lounge. It was a ridiculous thing to do even if her intention was to be helpful. It overstepped boundaries (by rather a lot) and you were, in fact, very restrained in your response.

You need to focus on recovering and enjoying your new baby. Things will get easier as you recover and feel better, but it is likely going to take a while. You've been through quite a battering health wise.

Take all the time you need with baby and your DH. Prioritise your little family now. You're a mum and what's right for your child will always be your natural response now.

Your parents and MIL can take a back seat for a while. They can sulk if they want to while you recover. In fact it's probably a good thing that they've decided to sulk. It will give you the space you need for a little while.

I imagine that they'll be in touch again soon enough when they realise they need to act appropriately in order to see their grandchild. Remember though he's your baby, it's your home and what you and your DH want, is what matters.

Bloody hell.

it’s depressing reading the OP’s posts, she genuinely seems to think that this is out of the blue behaviour whereas I’d guess there’s been an entire childhood and beyond of these parents acting appallingly

Not many plants couldn’t last a week without watering in winter!

Disagree about the judgemental part, @Blubstering

I think this is really key – OP, is this the first time people’s attention should really have been on you and not her? What was she like on your wedding day, or milestone birthdays of yours? Graduation? Does she have form for stealing focus on big occasions, even if ordinarily all seems hunky-dory?

I'd be worried that she/they were experiencing some sort of cognitive decline given that they think something so batshit is acceptable and thinking that you'd be over the moon with it.

Watering plants and redecorating

"How do I fix this??"

You can't. It's up to them to fix it.

Hopefully your mother will discuss it with friends who will tell her that she was misguided.

@Threewheeler1 It's shocking isn't it? One slice of toast post birth and I had a bag of Maltesers. That was it. I'd also not eaten since the night before. It was the total lack of any concern that I'd just had a very strenuous six hour labour and now needed some food. I couldn't believe it 🤣

I have keys

I have never, NOT ONCE, entered their homes without permission

Oh poor you, I think you're handling it well.
It's so ridiculous, you're taking the compassionate view of her motivations but there were so many helpful ways she could have channelled nervous energy - prepping easy meals, cleaning, knitting or something else less permanent! Hope you're able to rest, recover and enjoy your new baby

You should be able to give your parents or in laws a key to your home without them painting the walls purple!

How do I fix this??

You don't have to fix anything. That is not your job. Your job is to recover from a very serious medical emergency and to care for your baby. Your parents are adults. It is their responsibility to realise that they have behaved badly and to take steps to address this.

You don't say it is but if there is still a smell paint, put a bowl of sliced onion in the room and it will absorb the paint smell.

It was more to give mum a job to do so she felt useful - we are both houseplant enthusiasts. I have a collection of just under 200, some of which are valuable. I have something to water most days! We share the hobby and it’s lovely because we share cuttings, tips and tricks etc and we bond over it and have done for many years. I needed her to do the pest checks too, another daily job.

You are vile, and your misguided ridiculous opinion does not help OP.
WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU!!!!
Upstanding parents? My arse, they are controlling parents who think they have the right to bulldoze into their DD’s home and cause chaos at a time when she needed calm, love, and care.
May be YOU are that kind of bulldozer mother or MIL who makes everything about you and can’t see the light.
OP is not ungrateful, and 99% of MM users agree.
I detest people like you!

Essentially your Mum didn't like your colour scheme, as she felt it was 'too plain'. So she took advantage of the fact you were in hospital, and decided to change the colour scheme. If I was charitable, I could say that she was stressed/worried about your being in hospital, and needed an outlet for it, and decorating helped keep her mind occupied. Regardless of the reason behind her actions, she seriously overstepped boundaries. She had absolutely no right to come into your home and decorate without your knowledge. I would have been livid in your position too.

Yes I agree with this. Seems wild.

Poor OP, what an utterly ridiculous situation to have to deal with at such a time.

Your DM has massively overstepped the mark here, I cannot think of anything more insane to do.

Its really their job to do the fixing but in the interests of moving on, just be clear with them

'Look I'm very weak and I would love it if you could come and help me with the baby. I don't have the energy to fight with you over the redecorating, but I need to let you know that it was a very unwelcome gesture, however well intentioned. Please can we draw a line and move on.'

Balls in their court.