DM redecorated my lounge

[Blubstering]

I KNOW I’m not BU but need to know how to handle this. NC because I’ve spoken to a few people IRL.

I’ve recently had a baby and was in hospital for just over a week. DH was with me most of that time including the first 4 days where he was in with me overnight due to some complications (I had sepsis) and him needing to look after the baby while I wasn’t able to.

Anyway, during those first 4 days, my usually lovely mum decided to completely redecorate my living room. It did not need decorating, it was done fairly recently and we’d just painted it a soft taupy off white, which complimented our existing oak furniture nicely. It was simple but warm.

Mum has painted it a mid grey on 2 walls and royal purple on the other 2 walls. It looks absolutely awful.

DH came home and saw it but didn’t tell me what had happened until the day I came home. He warned me, and when we got home mum was there all smiles and proud of herself thinking she had done a nice thing for us. I felt like one of those people on Changing Rooms the mid 2000’s when they had to stand next to Carol Smiley and pretend to love their new rooms when absolutely everyone in the room knew it looked absolutely dire. She’s not even done a neat job, the purples smudged into the grey walls in the corners and there’s purple on the window frames too.

I said something about feeling very tired and mum took the hint and left but did seem quite off, then I just cried and then went to bed. Mum then texted me and said ‘what do you think??’ So I took the opportunity and replied ‘I really appreciate the thought mum but it’s not our taste, I wish you’d asked us first xx’ which I think was fairly balanced.

I then got a phone call from my dad to say mum was in bits and very offended I’m not more grateful for her efforts and she was only trying to do something nice for us. So I said that I appreciated that but reiterated the colour isn’t to our taste and we hadn’t long since decorated the living room the way we wanted it. He said ‘yes but it was far too plain’… I’m not sure what happened but I’m so tired I physically felt like I couldn’t talk anymore so I just put the phone down.

Anyway the upshot is my parents are now no longer speaking to me and I’ve got a new baby so could really use their support. How do I fix this??

I think the OP's traumatic near-death experience has probably already done for the 'happy memories of the birth of her son'.

Agree & please forgive your mother for such an irrational decision at a time she was probably out of her mind with worry. You sound extremely close. I hope it stays that way.

I usually think MN's reactions to parents are OTT, but in case I'd be livid and not nearly as understanding as OP. I've also experienced someone overstepping, acting without my permission and destroying my property, then pouting because I was not grateful for their "good intentions." It's absolutely infuriating.

I don't see why. I had been in protracted labour for three days with a forehead presentation, and was exhausted. I needed sleep and had already seen and touched my DD. I was able successfully to breastfeed the next morning and DD never had another bottle, went straight to a cup around 9 months.
Most people - including me - find this story amusing. I did manage not to say 'bugger off' to the nurse, but really I felt like it.
Glad to meet a Pratchett fan, btw.
Just thought - maybe you mean the nurse was bonkers for waking me? That makes complete sense.

Yes, I wonder if she was so desperately worried about you @Blubstering, that she wanted to keep busy and was feeling a bit crazy when picking the colour.

But still totes out of order. If she wanted to keep busy, she could have painted her own home purple.

More likely a displacement activity. OP had sepsis, which is life-threatening.

One day this will make a very funny story and you mum will still cringe, but purple why purple? Why decorate.
I get a bit manic when my children are ill or injured and I'm helpless but I wouldn't think of decorating their home, maybe my own at a push.

nope!

@Blubstering my MIL is also a difficult type and does not live nearby, was not invited until DC1 was about 2 months old. She has never been supportive of breastfeeding and wanted me to express so she could feed DC (I didn’t express after the first few weeks when I was advised to do top ups).

You don’t get this special time back again, don’t surround yourself with people who aren’t supportive.

MIL is an okay grandma, tries to be interfering and critical and we used to ignore but DH told her that any criticism of me in front of our child would mean no more visits.

Nobody but nobody is entitled to a relationship with your (plural) child if it is not working for you as a family.

We went on holiday and my mum varnished our lovely Matt quarry tiles.
I spent months with a toothbrush removing the varnish from every individual tile. The room was 50 square metres of tiles.

My mum was always well meaning and would do whatever she could for us but sometimes got very carried away thinking her way was better.

Oh OP bless you. Goodness me what a time you have had and are having. I am so sorry for the extreme stress and pressure not only you but DH are having to endure right now when its the very last thing you need. There is a blessing to this though you now have your own little family and I promise you with a little time and peace and quiet you will soon be back on your feet and raring to go. My advice for now is do nothing both you and DH have enough on without dealing with anything other than returning you to full health and settling your baby into home.It can all wait. Unplug the phones and just be. Talk to who you want do not engage with either side of inlaws or parents. This is your time, create a bubble, the three of you and savour it. You owe no one anything ..remember that. Do you have some close friends who you would like to see? If so see them and I am sure if you need anything they would gladly step in to support you all. The very thing you need to know is these issues are not of your making so set them aside until you feel stronger to deal with things, non of this is your fault. You do not have to deal with anything you do not want to right now so don't ..let them all wait. Be selfish now and going forward in order to protect you,dh and baby. I have a feeling deep down that if you look back over your life you will notice many of your boundaries have been trampled on quietly but thats not for now. You are a mummy now and a wife and your life will never be the sae again and thats amazing ..thing is do it all on your terms for you for no one else and yourself and your little family will do just great. Time is all you need Take it x

" I think you should eat humble pie & apologise for your reaction & say you appreciate her help but you were happy with the way it was. Sometimes the best way to deal with issues like this is not what we really feel like doing if only to keep the peace."

fuck that danegeld shit

BRILLIANT!! 👍 🤣

You are truly ungrateful. Count your blessings

🙄😂😂What an idiot!

Mate, this is not your fault. These big events have a habit of highlighting the worst in people rather than bringing everyone together. Aside from the decorating incident I had similar experience when I had my first, and 10 years on I still feel mad about it. The same happened on our wedding day, insecurities from other breed drama. Good luck, I know it's going to be hard to do this all yourselves but try to get your husband to take a little more time off work if possible and enjoy your bubble.

The “desperate with worry” thing doesn’t make sense to me when you consider she would have needed to drive to a DIY shed, buy brushes, rollers and drop cloths, and of course, those paint colours. That’s the kind of time that lets you calm down and go “Actually, this is a mistake”.

I think if you were displacing worry you’d be far more likely to rearrange the furniture, take down the curtains and ruin them with a boil wash, scrub the carpet with the wrong cleaner and stain it, that kind of “instant” displacement where there’s no opportunity to reflect – whereas standing in the paint aisles at B&Q debating Sugared Lilac vs Plum Custard should make you stop and think.

I would be absolutely livid! That's unforgiveable in my view. My home is my sanctuary.

This.

I think your mum just went a bit nuts in her worrying and is probably a bit embarrassed over it so is doubling down. Annoying as it would have just been a humourous incident if she'd just owned up and painted it back! You're being totally reasonable in how you're handling it.

Your mother in law made her choice. A hotel is fine, and what I expected for my parents and in laws after pph too.

Hope things improve for all of you soon and you can focus on recovery and enjoying your baby.

People that do stuff like this are bloody awful, it’s like they are marking their territory. You were really good about it. My MIL rearranged my kitchen cupboards when I was at work once. She is what I would call a frustrated woman who never achieved very much in life so likes to interfere and make an impact that way by being over domesticated.

This is really difficult OP, especially as they've caused this massive issue right when you need some rest and support.

If I were you I would try and park it as much as possible and focus on you, DH and baby. You need all of your energy right now to recover and care for a tiny baby.

Congratulations on your new addition and sorry it this has made the whole thing difficult.

Does your mum like attention and jealous of the new baby?

Either way, best to try and stay away from all the silliness for a while.

@Blubstering I agree you don’t need to contact your parents. I also agree they thought they were doing something nice, but massively overstepped. Something nice is batch cooking, tidying up and changing bed linen when you’ve both been out of the house and generally easing the load! Not letting themselves in and undertaking a spot of decorating? That’s mad. As for MIL - my God, does she not know just how ill you were? Nobody should feel pressured to have house guests when well, never mind with a newborn, neither of you or DH having slept and then the added trauma of what happened to you. Absolutely tone-deaf to the situation, the lot of them. Annoyed on your behalf.

Nooooo!!! 😭 I don't even dare to leave tradesmen alone, as I've had them try to make unauthorized changes to the job, thinking they know better than I do about what I need and want in my own home.

That's awful !Who would ever thinkmits ok to redecorate someone else's house without their knowledge or being asked to ?I wouldn't even reorganise the cushions in my DDs house.Her home.her taste and style and absolutely nothing to do with me.And terrible that your mum is sulking with you and making it all about her when your a newly delivered mum whose had a rough time.Redecorate and enjoy your new baby.YANBU !

Your mother is obviously in the wrong, and you dealt with it very well - not going to repeat all the other posts. Yes, she is the one who should make the first step, But sometimes older people can be stubborn and her pride may be getting in the way. It sounds like you have a lovely relationship and you will both regret not having her around at this time.
I would have the living room redecorated ASAP, and would also send her a letter explaining how you felt, how shocked you are that she is sulking at such a difficult time for you, and also how you are feeling about her not being around and putting her pride ahead of you when you need her so much. And about how sad it makes you because you would love to have her there.
Basically, put the ball actively in her court, and nudge her towards taking action, to stop the standoff.

Re MIL, I would stick HARDLINE to the B&B scenario. No one wants guests with young babies. Bumping into her in the night when you are half naked and trying to breastfeed and she wants the loo or whatever. Doesn't stop her bonding with the child, she can have hours of it during the day. Ridiculous.
A birth is about 2 people, not just the baby, also it's mother - both their needs need to come before anyone elses. The baby couldn't care less whether it sees its grandparents in the first few weeks - so it's all about the mothers needs. And those are to be left in peace, and only with people she feels comfortable with!