DM redecorated my lounge

[Blubstering]

I KNOW I’m not BU but need to know how to handle this. NC because I’ve spoken to a few people IRL.

I’ve recently had a baby and was in hospital for just over a week. DH was with me most of that time including the first 4 days where he was in with me overnight due to some complications (I had sepsis) and him needing to look after the baby while I wasn’t able to.

Anyway, during those first 4 days, my usually lovely mum decided to completely redecorate my living room. It did not need decorating, it was done fairly recently and we’d just painted it a soft taupy off white, which complimented our existing oak furniture nicely. It was simple but warm.

Mum has painted it a mid grey on 2 walls and royal purple on the other 2 walls. It looks absolutely awful.

DH came home and saw it but didn’t tell me what had happened until the day I came home. He warned me, and when we got home mum was there all smiles and proud of herself thinking she had done a nice thing for us. I felt like one of those people on Changing Rooms the mid 2000’s when they had to stand next to Carol Smiley and pretend to love their new rooms when absolutely everyone in the room knew it looked absolutely dire. She’s not even done a neat job, the purples smudged into the grey walls in the corners and there’s purple on the window frames too.

I said something about feeling very tired and mum took the hint and left but did seem quite off, then I just cried and then went to bed. Mum then texted me and said ‘what do you think??’ So I took the opportunity and replied ‘I really appreciate the thought mum but it’s not our taste, I wish you’d asked us first xx’ which I think was fairly balanced.

I then got a phone call from my dad to say mum was in bits and very offended I’m not more grateful for her efforts and she was only trying to do something nice for us. So I said that I appreciated that but reiterated the colour isn’t to our taste and we hadn’t long since decorated the living room the way we wanted it. He said ‘yes but it was far too plain’… I’m not sure what happened but I’m so tired I physically felt like I couldn’t talk anymore so I just put the phone down.

Anyway the upshot is my parents are now no longer speaking to me and I’ve got a new baby so could really use their support. How do I fix this??

Wait till they go on holiday then sneak in and paint alternating walls in every room in their house bile green and diarrhoea brown. Be sure to smudge paint onto other surfaces.
If they fail to express abject delight, clasp your hands to your heart, say how ungrateful they are, and that you were only doing them a massive favour, and their own taste in wall colours had been too cold and inorganic.

Some MILs (my mum re my DB) see the house their son lives in as his house. He is her child, the house is his house. The DIL has been invited to live in his house (even though they bought it together), and certainly doesn't have a priority right to it and him over her, his mother. My DM would have an identical hissy fit if asked to stay in a hotel when visiting. She'd feel like she was being kicked out her relationship with her son, by an interloper/outsider who is living with her son. She'd totally think "well if that's how little you think of me, fine. I won't beg, and I won't play second best. Good luck to you".

Just an explanation from one who has seen this dynamic.

Different circumstances, but I needed PALS after birth and was heavily encouraged to do so but like you, it was all too much right then – I don’t know the details but you do have time to think about it and decide whether to get involved, you don’t have to rule it out by not wanting to do so now.

I wish I could send you some organic fancy low VOC artisan paint, Gower Cottage brownies, and the number of a good therapist. For now, absolutely stay in your pyjamas and let DH keep MIL at bay.

Your Mum needs to know she crossed the line and this wasn't OK. I think she thought you'd be too weak and tired to put up an argument and she could just decide how she thought your living room should look. It sounds like she rushed the job to make sure once you got home it was too late to change course. I thought my Mum was bad for constantly giving unsolicited advice about what she thinks would look nicer in our home, but going ahead and painting it is another level. And unless she's got some severe social disabilities she knows full well that it wasn't a nice thing to do.

As for MIL, she sounds dreadful, but don't let her set a low bar for what you expect from your Mum.

You were way more restrained than I would have been.

I agree with all those suggesting that your parents should be footing the bill for the decorator who will paint it back to the colour you want.

What on earth was your mother even thinking? Can you trust her ever again not to do something similar, or even worse?

I haven't RTFT. But do you think this was your mum's way of coping with her daughter being very ill. I know my mum (who lives in fear of overstepping) found it terrifying when I was in hospital having my first (a relatively straight forward and short labour) while waiting for updates.

You were very poorly and there was nothing she could do. This was possibly just a (arguably very misjudged) way of doing something that she thought would be useful.

Yes it would have been much better if she'd just made sure all the washing was done, put away and cooked a lasagne... But perhaps if you can see where she may have been coming from it may help you find a way back.

This is a horrible time for you to be at loggerheads over what was an effort at a kind gesture. While I appreciate that the last thing you needed was extra effort or upset, it sounds like she'd never do it out of malice.

What a very strange thing for her to do.
I wouldn't dream of redecorating my children's homes!
Cook meals and leave them in the freezer and clean and tidy round do the laundry etc but not decorate without asking you.
Has she done anything like this before?

Firstly congratulations on the birth of your beautiful baby boy.
Secondly is your mum on drugs? My daughter and myself have totally different tastes, I think if she surprised me she would probably get it right as I'm quite a neutral safe coloured person, whereas my daughter has a dark green lounge, a purple bathroom etc but the way she has accssessorised makes it look really nice but it's not me, so I get how you are feeling, I would of played safe with some cleaning, tidying of the garden a bit of batch cooking, I really can't see why your mum is playing the victim, before paying a decorator just get your husband to give it a few coats of brilliant white, just so it's livable in the mean time, as for the mil if she won't stay in a b&b or a travel lodge then she can't be that desperate to see her grandchild,
I think it should be law that you spend at least 2 weeks in pj's after having a baby and during that time your hair is not allowed to get greasy and you don't need to shave your legs and pits either.
I have a great relationship with my dil and ex-dil, my dil will come to me before her own mum and I have just had the pleasure of having all 4 of her children for 5 days as my son took her away for a break and it's the first time she has ever left her children.
I just feel for people who do not have a great relationship with their extended families but sometimes those boundaries are for the best for your own wellbeing.
Your mum is most probably feeling really stupid right now, leave her to it she will come around, just concentrate on your recovery and enjoying those little noises and facial wrinkles your baby makes.
Wishing you all the best and if you were near me I would send over a huge casserole.

I would be in low contact for a while. OP, the repainting your lounge was out of line, and you handled it fine. Keep enforcing those boundaries because it sounds like you will need to do so. I hope you feel better soon…it sounds like you really had a rough time of it.

You were seriously ill. It sounds like her nerves got the better of her & she took a brainstorm. You say you need her support. I think you should eat humble pie & apologise for your reaction & say you appreciate her help but you were happy with the way it was. Sometimes the best way to deal with issues like this is not what we really feel like doing if only to keep the peace.As long as it's not a major issue that causes harm I'd let it go.

What was the intention if not malicious?

I'd be glad they weren't speaking to me tbh because I wouldn't want to be speaking to them.

If your Mum likes purple & grey so much she can have it in her own house!

Is your mum the sort of person that needs distraction and a project when she’s stressed/upset?
She can’t have planned to redecorate as you wouldn’t usually be in hospital for 4 days. Not making excuses in anyway but if her only child is in hospital with sepsis she may have gone a little crazy and thought she needed to do something big for you (without thinking through the colour choice and the fact you’d recently redecorated).
I expect that her emotions are high, deep down she probably realises unreasonable, but having reacted the way she did it’s hard to go back and apologise and visiting you would just remind her of the mistake she made redecorating as she will be sat in it and that welcome home visit that she’d been imagining for years went wrong. Honestly, I’d call her, have a chat - and ask her if she wants to be helpful can she let MIL stay with her for a couple of days!

Are you the mother or the MIL in this story?

It's good to know you wake up every morning thinking, "I don't have any opinions about how I want my home to look or anything else, I'm just so grateful I'm not dead."

I will remember to get in touch next time I want to try out a new paint colour before putting it on my walls. I will accept your gratitude in cash.

It's the parents who should be keeping the peace by apologising & putting it right!

Whatever the reason!

Do you have any siblings? I would tell them what happened and see if they have also noticed her being off. Could be the start of dementia or something? Make it clear to them it wasn't acceptable and that you're worried about her. Otherwise forget about it for a few weeks. Enjoy your new family and it can be redecorated when you are feeling stronger ( not by you).

You dont fix it. Its entirely on them to rectify. Doing shit with good intentions does NOT exonerate completely overstepping the mark.
Ok-you had baby,sepsis etc undoubtably have mum worried, If want offer help support-at all ever-to anyone its essential to establish what THEY need\want.
Its positive shes upset(that sounds so mean!).Hopefully progress to realising how skewed actin been.
Actual purple... sorry-ll,maybe one day be funnie.?tell babe-when you born granma got so exited she ...painted liv room purple . .."as is customary in homeland?"lol.

This would make sense if her reaction had been to go ballistic and chase her Mum out of the house with a kitchen knife screaming at her, which would have been my first instinct in all honesty.

She didn't, she sent a very polite text explaining that she didn't like it.

If the Mum panicked and did a stupid thing, she's the one that needs to apologise.

Can we see a photo

You dealt with it a lot better than I would have!

Your mum's timing is terrible, and whilst I get it's a nice thing to do, it's also a really weird thing to do too.... it's like she's used your living room as a guinea pig.

Get it painted back how you like it and send them the bill.

As for them not speaking to you, I'd say that'd their loss, with "support" like that, I'm sure you'll be just fine.
Your DH sounds great and he's looking after you well, let them stew in their own juices.

You may be able to reframe the decorating as a kind gesture (I couldn't), but surely even you can't reframe OP's mum's refusal to speak to her own daughter who has just nearly died as in any way kind or supportive. OP didn't even raise the issue of the decorating, her mum asked her what she thought.

OP's mum doesn't live in fear of over-stepping. OP has said that she is generally overbearing.

Oh my God, this is terrible.
Purple of all colours will take several coats of white to get rid of.
And just when you want to be relaxing with your new baby.
But I can imagine my own mum doing something like this. She oversteps the line constantly and then gets enraged at me if I express that I don't like what she's done.
She buys clothes for my DC that I hate.
Shoes for them that I wouldn't be seen dead letting them wear.
Gives me pieces of furniture that are not at all to my taste; tables, shelving, lampshades, curtains, bedside cabinets, freestanding cupboards) and then falls out ferociously with me for not having it out in use in my home (I hate it all, none of it is my taste, so I stick it all in the loft, much to DH's irritation). She most recently gave me a massive great gothic style candelabra for a birthday present which I loathe and which is such a statement piece that I can't just put it in the corner somewhere, so it's stored in the back of a cupboard. She now routinely falls out with me about it whenever she visits and finds it isn't out on display.
And you know what, I can just imagine her doing what your mum has done to your lounge and then being angry or crying if I didn't like it (which I wouldn't).
Poor you.
Try to compartmentalise things now.
Just think, right, DH can blitz this over 2 weekends. First weekend several coats of white. Second weekend paint on the colour of your choice.
It'll all be back to how you like it again.
If your parents don't want to talk to you because of this, consider it a blessing. Enjoy the bubble of you, DH and new baby. It won't last, your parents will soon start talking to you again, so make the most of being left in peace right now.

So you've had a baby-congratulations btw, been ill in hospital & somehow your mum has made it so the attention is on her & you are trying to fix things?

Don't be ridiculous. Why on earth should OP eat humble pie? Why not her overbearing, overstepping mum?

OP nearly died, came home to a travesty of re-decorating, didn't even mention it to her mum until her mum asked what she thought and her mum is now refusing to speak to her daughter. What has OP got to apologise for? Why should the post-partum, seriously ill OP be the one to keep the peace?

I would go round her house when she's out and redecorate one of her rooms. A nice lime green and orange colour scheme should do the trick.

OP
Don't apologise to your mother for this