DM redecorated my lounge

[Blubstering]

I KNOW I’m not BU but need to know how to handle this. NC because I’ve spoken to a few people IRL.

I’ve recently had a baby and was in hospital for just over a week. DH was with me most of that time including the first 4 days where he was in with me overnight due to some complications (I had sepsis) and him needing to look after the baby while I wasn’t able to.

Anyway, during those first 4 days, my usually lovely mum decided to completely redecorate my living room. It did not need decorating, it was done fairly recently and we’d just painted it a soft taupy off white, which complimented our existing oak furniture nicely. It was simple but warm.

Mum has painted it a mid grey on 2 walls and royal purple on the other 2 walls. It looks absolutely awful.

DH came home and saw it but didn’t tell me what had happened until the day I came home. He warned me, and when we got home mum was there all smiles and proud of herself thinking she had done a nice thing for us. I felt like one of those people on Changing Rooms the mid 2000’s when they had to stand next to Carol Smiley and pretend to love their new rooms when absolutely everyone in the room knew it looked absolutely dire. She’s not even done a neat job, the purples smudged into the grey walls in the corners and there’s purple on the window frames too.

I said something about feeling very tired and mum took the hint and left but did seem quite off, then I just cried and then went to bed. Mum then texted me and said ‘what do you think??’ So I took the opportunity and replied ‘I really appreciate the thought mum but it’s not our taste, I wish you’d asked us first xx’ which I think was fairly balanced.

I then got a phone call from my dad to say mum was in bits and very offended I’m not more grateful for her efforts and she was only trying to do something nice for us. So I said that I appreciated that but reiterated the colour isn’t to our taste and we hadn’t long since decorated the living room the way we wanted it. He said ‘yes but it was far too plain’… I’m not sure what happened but I’m so tired I physically felt like I couldn’t talk anymore so I just put the phone down.

Anyway the upshot is my parents are now no longer speaking to me and I’ve got a new baby so could really use their support. How do I fix this??

I have read the OP’s posts and some (not all) of the other posts.

What jumps out at me is what a weird thing to do. Repainting a room is a big job - how on earth could she be bothered to do this for someone when it didn’t absolutely need it?

Also - what an arse for the OP. She has to get a decorator in while she has a small baby.

This one surely will make the daily mail. New mother, post ICU returns to purple house curtesy of Granny .

Jesus, Mary and Joseph op. What a hard time you are having of it especially after your awful experience. Try not to worry too much about your parents and in laws. At this moment just try to enjoy your bubble with your baby and dh. If people want to be arseholes about you having to recover they can fuck themselves. You and your baby come first and that’s that. What you went through was traumatic and you need to heal and also bond as a family. Fuck anyone else. Right now concentrate on you and the rest can wait.

So you were dangerously ill, lucky to be alive, newborn baby and their first thought was to paint your sitting room? Wow.
Well done for dealing with this as well as you have so far. I suggest once the vandalism has been repaired you refuse to give them the satisfaction of engaging in any discussion about it whatsoever.
Perhaps treat this as a valuable warning to set up future boundaries regarding their involvement with the baby. Keep the crazy buggers at arms length and either change the locks (expensive but perhaps worth it to quietly get the message across) or ask, perhaps on the pretext of needing one to give to the decorator, for your key back. I wouldn’t send your parents the bill as, being breathtakingly insensitive, they may take the ‘he who pays the piper’ route and have ‘views’ about the workmanship.

'So you were dangerously ill, lucky to be alive, newborn baby and their first thought was to paint your sitting room? Wow.'

Yes, most put something in the slow cooker or bake cakes. Who paints a living room?!

This is absolutely outrageous. Your parents must have shit for brains. Most people would be furious at their home being wrecked with lurid paint by an amateur with no taste. And the stink of the VOCs with paint when you have a newborn...what bellends.

I wouldn't contact them. When someone asks them about their newborn grandchild, let them say, oh we don't know/haven't seen him because we painted the living room whilst our daughter was critically ill. And people will reply - what did you do to it? Paint it a really bold colour? And she might realise, oh shit I really fucked up.

I am gobsmacked that during such a stressful time, she would behave like this. What a halfwit. I can see she meant well, but that is insufficient here - she didn't engage her brain at all.

Your mil - well she sound like a selfish stupid person. She wants hosting by someone who's just had sepsis and won't take the pressure off by using a B&B.

What stupid grandparents your baby has.

Are you insane! you need help! ASAP

You handled it amazingly well OP.
You’ve just had a baby, you’ve suffered sepsis which is a life threatening condition, you’re exhausted, and your mum has the audacity to think it’s ok to redecorate your lounge without asking! And now your parents won’t speak to you because you diplomatically explained it’s not to your taste. Geeeze, You couldn’t make it up!
Focus on getting well and caring for your baby with DH, all you need right now is to be with DH and new baby. Your parents need to grow up and you need to leave them to get on with sulking, you have more important things to think about.
Sorry you came home to that shit, I wish you well xx

Nope.

Parents are weird like this!

I nearly died when having my son, my partner called my parents to tell them I'd been rushed in to emergency surgery, I lost 4 pints of blood! Pretty serious shit!

When talking about it a while later, my parents were completely blasè about it. It was like they had the grandchild now so I could just fuck off! Completely weird!

O op, you sound like you’ve had a horrendous time, you don’t need shit like this.

My “well meaning” FIL descended on us for 3 weeks the day after I was discharged from hospital after having our first, I hadn’t gone through nearly as much as you. It was horrible, not him, but the fact I had this strange man ( it was the first time I met him) in my home and I couldn’t just relax and be with my baby. He is the type of man very much housework is womens work, whereas i grew up in a house where men and women get on with things, I kept thinking I wish it was my dad as he’d have had my house sparkling and waited on me hand and foot. I wish I’d had said no, wait till the baby is at least 4 weeks old, but I felt as he wanted to be there when baby arrived I just had to go with it. I’m usually a very forthcoming know my own mind and don’t mind voicing it person but when in-laws and babies are thrown in the mix it’s hard to stand firm.

As for your parents, they are completely out of order. My mother is a classic narcissist and I’m her scapegoat child. Thankfully I was only in contact with her when I had my 3rd and although she was on her best behaviour she tried making things about her still.

I can tell you from experience that you do not need them around you right now. You sound like you’ve had a have a good DH, your both on the same page and support each other, that is more important than pushy parents right now.

Youve had some amazing advice on here, use it, write a script out and when your ready either say what you want to say or message your parents your words and leave it at that. I’m assuming as an only child and this being their only grandchild they will hopefully, if not begrudgingly suck it up even if they feel they have done nothing wrong.

If you don’t stand your ground now, you will be setting yourself up for years of drama and stress when ever they don’t get their own way.

I think you seem level headed, fair, and just need to rest and prioritise yourself and baby and DH. He sounds very supportive.

Your mum made an error in the decorating and overstepped here. What she should have done was apologise and offer to put it right. Not impressed that she’s made it all about her, but I’m sure she will eventually apologise. She likely feels guilty and now doesn’t know how to unpick the mess. As for MIL - no one should be forcing themselves on you at this time. If she’s that bothered she can stay overnight somewhere else and pop in to see you and baby at some point.

Good on you and DH for sticking up for yourselves and enforcing healthy boundaries. I wasn’t as poorly as you but I had retained placenta and an infection and it is indeed grim. The last thing you want is people coming to visit for hours when you know you need to get changed and care for yourself.

I hope you’re feeling better soon - just take it easy and do what you have to to get through.

Your parents are so out of order but you’ve got enough on your plate with the new baby and you need your rest. Rely on your partner for now and try to stop engaging with your parents. It is incredibly emotionally manipulative of
your mum to play the victim, and to do that to your home when you’re in hospital with sepsis is beyond self-centered. Rest up. They should be there to support you, not redecorate your house ffs. Your parents will hopefully realise their mistake in time. Take some space and rest! 💐

WTF was she thinking?!!
I thought you'd say something like she had let herself in, filled your fridge and hoovered the lounge
You've been remarkably restrained.
I would've lost it with her.
Do nothing and enjoy your baby
Congratulations!

Are you the mother? YAVVVU if so and YA, in any case BU to defend this nonsense. Poor OP and her DH .

The op and her husband have been in hospital for a week.

The op has been in hospital with sepsis and in itu. On top of that they have a new baby.

Are you suggesting they should be welcoming her MIL (or anyone) to stay?

Thank you for the recommendation, I definitely need help in the iron department because the tablets are absolutely awful and the sooner I can stop them, the better.

I’ve got a birth debriefing meeting next week with a midwife, she’s a specialist and will basically talk me through exactly what happened during and after birth which I think will really help. Ironically, the actual birth itself wasn’t traumatic at all, it was afterwards that shit hit the fan. I also have some thinking to do because there’s potentially a mistake been made - the team should have spotted my placenta was incomplete but they missed it and that’s what caused all the issues post-natally. I’ve already had an apology from the consultant on the ward and he’s referred the case himself to PALS and they’ve been in touch but honestly I’ve got no desire to pursue that at the moment. I might feel differently one day but it sounds like they’re already internally looking at understanding what went wrong and how, so I’m not sure what benefit my involvement would be at this point.

I have to say, your mum hasn't made a mild mistake here, she is emotionally blackmailing and abusing you whilst at your most vulnerable.
I would be no contact until receiving an apology and then proceed cautiously, block on your phone for now and enjoy your newborn bubble as a family of 3 - sounds like you deserve rest and peace 💐

One is her mother, one isn't. Surely that's fairly obvious?

If you were my daughter and I was so worried about you and felt useless (which I don’t think is uncommon) I think I’d be cooking up casseroles and filling your fridge and freezer so you didn’t have to worry about cooking meals - that’s how you care for your dear child who’s just nearly died. Not repainting the living room.

Very true.

I hate your mother for her attention seeking stunt and I don’t even know you. How dare she do that with you so ill?

You have clearly been trained to put her feelings first all your life but that now needs to start to change. You are a mum now (congratulations!) and you do not need to pander to this self-serving bullshit any more. What the fuck was she thinking??

You poor love - you have been through so much in the past few days with your health I hope you are feeling stronger soon…

There are some great comments on here but this is the one that resonated with me the most.

Tell me where your mum lives and I’ll go and redecorate her living room in orange and brown.

She sounds appalling. What’s wrong with your dad that he’s backing her up?

"You may be a mother now, but I am still Queen Bee in this family" was the message here.

How do YOU fix this? Er, you don't. You didn't cause the problem. Has this been the pattern all your life? They do something shitty, you object, they sulk and try to guilt you until you end up apologising and appeasing them? If so, time to change it. Or they'll be dictating how you raise your child, and probably doing stuff you've expressly forbidden ("I know you said you weren't cutting his hair yet, but it was too long. BE GRATEFUL I've done this for you", etc). Don't crawl to them. Redecorate, and when they get in touch, let them visit but remind them you'll be needing the key back so they should bring it with them. If they whine, tell them to be grateful you didn't send them the decorating bill. Never, ever pay any attention to any complaining or acting "offended" or whatever. Take control of your home, don't leave them unattended in it again, and if they act like you're in the wrong, make it 100% clear you do not agree. Don't bring up the purple-paint debacle, but if they do tell them calmly and firmly that it added to your stress when you were already having a very rough time, and nothing like this is to happen again. If you feel guilty or whatever, don't let it show. Fake it 'til you make it. It's time for a reset.