DM redecorated my lounge

[Blubstering]

I KNOW I’m not BU but need to know how to handle this. NC because I’ve spoken to a few people IRL.

I’ve recently had a baby and was in hospital for just over a week. DH was with me most of that time including the first 4 days where he was in with me overnight due to some complications (I had sepsis) and him needing to look after the baby while I wasn’t able to.

Anyway, during those first 4 days, my usually lovely mum decided to completely redecorate my living room. It did not need decorating, it was done fairly recently and we’d just painted it a soft taupy off white, which complimented our existing oak furniture nicely. It was simple but warm.

Mum has painted it a mid grey on 2 walls and royal purple on the other 2 walls. It looks absolutely awful.

DH came home and saw it but didn’t tell me what had happened until the day I came home. He warned me, and when we got home mum was there all smiles and proud of herself thinking she had done a nice thing for us. I felt like one of those people on Changing Rooms the mid 2000’s when they had to stand next to Carol Smiley and pretend to love their new rooms when absolutely everyone in the room knew it looked absolutely dire. She’s not even done a neat job, the purples smudged into the grey walls in the corners and there’s purple on the window frames too.

I said something about feeling very tired and mum took the hint and left but did seem quite off, then I just cried and then went to bed. Mum then texted me and said ‘what do you think??’ So I took the opportunity and replied ‘I really appreciate the thought mum but it’s not our taste, I wish you’d asked us first xx’ which I think was fairly balanced.

I then got a phone call from my dad to say mum was in bits and very offended I’m not more grateful for her efforts and she was only trying to do something nice for us. So I said that I appreciated that but reiterated the colour isn’t to our taste and we hadn’t long since decorated the living room the way we wanted it. He said ‘yes but it was far too plain’… I’m not sure what happened but I’m so tired I physically felt like I couldn’t talk anymore so I just put the phone down.

Anyway the upshot is my parents are now no longer speaking to me and I’ve got a new baby so could really use their support. How do I fix this??

This.

This has hit the nail on the fucking head.

She is jealous (she is very unlikely to admit it even to herself) but what other possible reason could there be for her to have done something like this? She wanted people who would be visiting to know that she did this in your home as a 'welcome home' present to you following the birth. If she hadn't done it, she wouldn't get a mention.

Does dh have a sibling or someone who can have a hard word with mil? Op nearly died and was in intensive care, I’m knackered and traumatised, my in laws have wrecked my living room so we have decorator in…I know you are chomping at bit but can you just stay elsewhere this time.

You're getting from both sides, aren't you? :/ Sending sympathy.
I had 2 difficult deliveries and slow recoveries - my Mum was a complete arse after the 2nd, while my Dad and step mum were very much 'just let us know when you're firing on all cylinders again, we'll come when you're ready' etc which was lovely. I'll never get my head around the disregard people can have for new mums who've had a difficult time - it's all about their want to see the baby and sod how she's recovering.

@Grammarnut I would say that the perfect person to look after a baby is one of its parents. How is that “developing country”? The baby wasn’t ill, just needed parenting.

@Blubstering I‘m really sorry you had such a traumatic birth. And I’m even more sorry that you now have to deal with the added stress of your parents‘ and MiL‘s egocentricity and lack of empathy instead of them doing their utmost to make your recovery better. I‘m shocked by this unbelievably ignorant behavior. Instead of being grateful that their daughter (in law) and grandchild survived they are being inconsiderate and belligerent egomaniacs. Shows a true lack of character. But don’t let this affect you more than it needs to.

Please focus on you, your baby and your partner. Get some therapy to process this traumatic birth and the aftermath - the sooner the better! And don’t use any of your limited strength and resources on parents‘ and MIL‘s antics. You need to focus on yourself. Your health is more important than their self absorbed feelings. You need to make sure you’re physically and mentally stable.

All the best to you! Get well soon!

@Blubstering - just read your 13:03 post.

You poor poor love you really have been completely through thewars. I just want to give you a big hug. 💐💐

I'm wondering who that 1% is who ticked the YABU box?!

I cannot imagine if my dd was recovering from sepsis and had a new baby that I would let anything get between me and supporting her.

The redecoration is bonkers, but to then make your reaction all about them at a time when you need them is just awful. It’s as if they don’t actually understand that you’re a person, and not just a character in the tv show they’re starring in.

It can be very tricky to spot people like this, and it’s an incredibly painful thing when you do.

Me too! And hadn't eaten the night before as it'd been a couple of days labour. But it was all worth it for a solitary cold and soggy single slice of white toast with a cuppa the next morning 😭
I was close to eating the blankets by the time DH turned up!

I’m speechless at the fuckwittery, entitlement, petulance, childishness, bullying and total lack of empathy/awareness from all of your parents.

You’ve just had your first baby. You’ve been seriously ill and could potentially have died. You and DH are exhausted, stressed, have been on an emotional rollercoaster and have a newborn to take care of. Anyone would feel knocked for six under those circumstances, without all this bullshit on top.

The fact your parents would threaten to go NC with you at a time like this (over your very measured reaction to something intrusive they did) clearly shows they’re not ‘lovely’ at all. It wasn’t a kind gesture, it was an overt criticism of your taste and your home, which your mother decided to ‘fix’ for you when she knew you’d be incapacitated. She knows fine well you’d never have allowed it had you known, but went ahead anyway - which also explains her defensiveness and hyper-sensitivity; she knew you wouldn’t like it and was braced for a bad reaction, with her hurt and offence at the ready to deflect any criticism of her actions.

As for MIL with her pushy entitlement, she can do one. They’ve all decided they’re not speaking to you, and the only way you’ll get things back on an even keel is to grovel and apologise to all of them for your perfectly reasonable responses to their appalling behaviour. And why the hell would you want to do that?

It sounds like your lovely DH has your back. As tough (and emotionally difficult) as the situation is at the moment, I’d take the opportunity to give yourself a break from the whole shoddy lot of them and concentrate on getting well. It doesn’t sound like any of them will be of any kind or practical help at present. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this on top of everything else. They should be fucking ashamed of themselves 💐

Honestly OP, I think we all want to make a bit of a fuss of you right now, what a time you've had. Let DH deal with parents (their behaviour is bonkers), you need to recover x

This..I'm normally sympathetic to the mum/mil stories about being a bit pushed aside and unneeded post birth but this is absolutely awful. I would be soooo annoyed. It's just so unnecessary and not something u do for someone when they have had a baby.

They should pay for the redecoration & changing the locks.

This really is quite jaw dropping.

I hope your mother reflects on her behaviour as does your father, and that they swiftly apologise and ask to put this all behind them.

Now is the time for the focus to be on you and your new baby. Not ridiculous huffiness over her stepping way out of line and refusing to recognise this.

It’s hugely disappointing they are choosing to wrongly be offended and not concentrating on you and your newborn. I hope their pride and misplaced judgement is rapidly resolved with a heartfelt apology and offer to pay for the decorating bill.

I think any parent who'd cut contact with you over this, after you've been so seriously ill, and just as you have come home with your first baby, is behaving so badly that it's very hard to know what to say about it. I definitely do not think that you have anything you need to fix here. Does your mum have any kind but straightforward friends who will talk some sense into her?

I'm just so sorry that you're having all this shit from two sets of obviously self-obsessed parents whilst you're trying to recover from sepsis and get to grips with caring for a newborn.

Thanks all, I think a few posters combined have probably got mum’s motivation covered - nervous energy, misplaced good intentions and a boat load of always thinking she’s right especially where I’m concerned. I’m an only child which I don’t think helps!

Also, you're being far too kind, OP. It's not remotely reasonable to redecorate someone else's home without their consent. And I don't think that it was particularly appropriate for her to deep clean your house either, if you hadn't asked her to. It wouldn't be ok even if the colours were exactly what you would have wanted and the work was immaculate. Your home isn't her home.

This is a good message but I'd add into the message something like this:

"Hi Mum & Dad - I'm texting you about this as I'm still reeling from being in hospital for longer than expected and being so unwell only to come home to a redecorated living room. Whilst it was done with good intentions, it is not to our tastes and we're having to pay a decorator to fix it. As we neither asked for the painting to be done, or expected to have to fix something that wasn't done to our taste, we will be expecting you to pay for the repair work necessary. This is not optional as I'm sure you would be livid if you returned from a holiday to find your living room redecorated but not to your tastes and you would expect someone to pay for it to be returned to a state that you would be happy with. Our house isn't something to appear on "Room to Improve". Once you pay to fix your mistake, I'd appreciate it if we can draw a line under this and move on as I don't feel it's productive to rake it over again and again. Baby is doing well as am I. Looking forward to hearing from you - @Blubstering "

Something along those lines saying that you didn't appreciate returning home to it, that you didn't ask for it, that you're having to pay to fix their presumptions for decor, and that you need to deal with it and then put the sorry situation behind you.

The mother and mother-in-law presumably!

I know you asked, OP, how to fix this but I don’t think you can or should. I suspect your Mum has overstepped many boundaries in hindsight but you’ve overlooked them because they were helpful or not as drastic. I’d have raised my eyebrows at anyone arranging/doing a deep clean of my house while I was away. If you fix this, she will know that she can continue to overstep boundaries and you will always try to placate her despite her being in the wrong.

I don’t know what to suggest except checking out the “stately homes” thread on here for people who have difficult parental relationships. I’d probably go with a brisk “now Mum you know we appreciate the thought but it is DH/my house and our tastes are different. We wouldn’t think to come in and paint your living room beige! Let’s just move on shall we? Another cup of tea?” As I think less attention is best.

However it’s getting to that point that’s the issue if she’s currently making this all about her, so people with more experience of this behaviour will be better able to advise.

@Blubstering
Congratulations on your baby, hope you are feeling better.

Your parents sound like nightmares. Their behaviour is simply unacceptable In terms of decorating and how they have reacted when you have very reasonably told them that what they had done is not to your taste

Unfortunately I do know people who would never admit they were wrong even if they had been told they were by several different neutral people.

Concentrate on your health and your baby. Concentrate on what you can control which does not include your parents or MIL.

Is this the first grandchild on either side? Ime, grandparents lose their minds over the first grandchild 🙄. Otherwise totally rational and normal people somehow make this event all about them - although in your case both behaviours sound excessive.

You sound very level-headed. I would just leave both mothers as they are: let your parents stew on the fact for a few weeks and months. When they do eventually come over and see the living restored to the way it was, everyone will have calmed down, they will see how much you hated what they did, and you can say that you really don't like bold colours, you really love what you'd originally chosen, and leave it at that. Don't apologise. Let her grasp she did an awful thing. She probably won't, but you just be you.

Let your MIL continue to cut off her noise to spite her face. She hasn't understood she's not the main act. She will, by her own actions and by not meeting the baby in its first weeks because she hasn't come down. Let her believe it's because you banned her. It's not.

As for needing your parents' help and support: you will manage. I'm afraid you've been bestowed with some incredibly selfish parents and in laws. You are a new mother who can't have help. I was one of those too (each time). I don't know what it's like to have helpful elders! But what I do have, years and years down the line, is precious precious memories of peace and intimacy and quietness and togetherness which I will treasure for the rest of my life. You forget the hard times, of having scrambled eggs and toast for dinner every day for a week, not having a hot cup of tea ever, not getting round to showering until 7pm etc. That all is forgotten. But the precious moments of night feeds, the first smile they give you, the first time you know they're actually looking at you and not in your vague direction, the mental space to appreciate these things in the moment: it's all yours and you get to keep it.

I do hope you’re on the road to recovery and congratulations. Hope baby is doing ok now too.

To be honest I feel like my MIL was very similar to your mum. You couldn’t tell her anything, she probably argue against what her own name was if the mood struck her and it was unbearable. I think we overlooked many, many things over the years because it was easier to “not rock the boat” but she just became outrageous (covid sort of intensified her) and we just don’t have contact now. Once we had a baby it also just levelled her up. I don’t think people like this tone down no matter how many people can talk to them/ explain reason. So to be honest I wouldn’t brush it under the carpet and if this is a sign of what’s to come with her then maybe a bit of distance is best for everyone especially whilst you focus on recovering. If her priority is sulking over being there for you (likewise your father isn’t talking some sense into her) after a traumatic birth then that says a lot.

Seconded.
I've just read through your thread and am absolutely appauled at the way relatives on boths sides are behaving, given the absolute ordeal you've just been through.

This is their idea of support? on both sides?

Your parents behaviour is pathetic. The unrequested Paint job is one thing, but to treat you to the cold shoulder when you've just come out of hospital like this is appauling! Especially when they've seen first hand what you've been going through.
Its Childish and selfish.
It's actually bullying to get you back into line, to beg their forgiveness and "show gratitude" for something you don't like and never asked for.
Are they always like this? Leave them to their tantrum.

As for your MIL, if she cannot accept that you are still in recovery, then I wouldn't want her visiting. It shows such a lack of concern.

Try to ignore all this unpleasant nonsense as much as you can and focus on your recovery and your newborn. I'm glad your DH is so supportive, he needs to be your buffer until these idiot relatives calm down. Congratulations on your lovely new baby. Things will get better, especially as you start to recover and feel more yourself

That is the strangest behaviour by her (and your Dad). Are they always like that?

I also wonder whether because you were so very ill in hospital she was incredibly anxious and needed to channel that into something because she - to put it bluntly - thought you might die yourself of the sepsis.

And although it doesn't make her behaviour, and especially the way they've dealt with it afterwards, right, it at least maybe gives some explanation.

This reaction is kind of an emotional release after the absolute fear they felt because you were so ill in hospital after the birth.

I just sometimes find if I can work out a psychological reason behind people's actions – especially the more bonkers actions - then I find it easier to deal with it and move on.