DM redecorated my lounge

[Blubstering]

I KNOW I’m not BU but need to know how to handle this. NC because I’ve spoken to a few people IRL.

I’ve recently had a baby and was in hospital for just over a week. DH was with me most of that time including the first 4 days where he was in with me overnight due to some complications (I had sepsis) and him needing to look after the baby while I wasn’t able to.

Anyway, during those first 4 days, my usually lovely mum decided to completely redecorate my living room. It did not need decorating, it was done fairly recently and we’d just painted it a soft taupy off white, which complimented our existing oak furniture nicely. It was simple but warm.

Mum has painted it a mid grey on 2 walls and royal purple on the other 2 walls. It looks absolutely awful.

DH came home and saw it but didn’t tell me what had happened until the day I came home. He warned me, and when we got home mum was there all smiles and proud of herself thinking she had done a nice thing for us. I felt like one of those people on Changing Rooms the mid 2000’s when they had to stand next to Carol Smiley and pretend to love their new rooms when absolutely everyone in the room knew it looked absolutely dire. She’s not even done a neat job, the purples smudged into the grey walls in the corners and there’s purple on the window frames too.

I said something about feeling very tired and mum took the hint and left but did seem quite off, then I just cried and then went to bed. Mum then texted me and said ‘what do you think??’ So I took the opportunity and replied ‘I really appreciate the thought mum but it’s not our taste, I wish you’d asked us first xx’ which I think was fairly balanced.

I then got a phone call from my dad to say mum was in bits and very offended I’m not more grateful for her efforts and she was only trying to do something nice for us. So I said that I appreciated that but reiterated the colour isn’t to our taste and we hadn’t long since decorated the living room the way we wanted it. He said ‘yes but it was far too plain’… I’m not sure what happened but I’m so tired I physically felt like I couldn’t talk anymore so I just put the phone down.

Anyway the upshot is my parents are now no longer speaking to me and I’ve got a new baby so could really use their support. How do I fix this??

I can't imagine anyone thinking it's ok to redecorate someone else's place without asking first! Even if she thought it was 'too plain', it's nothing to with her. I don't know what to say really. You've been honest in a tactful way - well done for that.

I would be fucking raging. Make sure you take pics so if other family start to get involved you can send them the photos and say "I returned from a painful and stressful hospital stay to THIS".

I would hit the roof if my parents did this. Although it's more a thing my MIL would do.
I hope you send them the bill for the decorator.

He said ‘yes but it was far too plain’…

'FOR YOU, DAD, It was far too plain FOR YOU. Not us. And if you really can't see that mum has completely over stepped here and you're backing her rather than helping her rectify the mistake, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you'd like me to send someone round to paint your living room hot pink as a surprise for you because I think it would look nice and brighten up your place.'

sorry I should have said why didn't she ask to do the nursery or something you wanted done. My parents love some DIY or "helping" but they ask what I want done.

I do know. I also know that random adults in a hospital are not a good idea and that if someone is coming in to see me, I want to see them, not have them fussing my baby.

However, I am not the current generation and almost certainly have less touchy-feely attitudes to child-rearing.

Honestly this sounds like your DM has consciously or unconsciously developed a worry about being sidelined/losing power or status in your family now you have become a mother and has tried to re-centre herself in the ‘caregiving’/controlling mode by decorating your home (the ‘message’ being you are NOT an autonomous adult and still need/are subject to her decision making).

My DM’s a bit like this in that she actually has a very fragile sense of self and massively goes on the defensive or attack if anything threatens that. I’ve been very hurt by it over the years but have come to understand for her it is coming from a very instinctive (albeit misguided) sense of self-preservation. I hold her at a certain distance because of it, which is a shame, but I think it helps our relationship overall

It’s weird and I’d be absolutely fuming .

Good lord. I had sepsis after having my baby and when I got home all I could do was sit at the kitchen table crying into my lasagna 🤣 I cannot imagine coming home to that, I think you were incredibly diplomatic and restrained!

This. It's your ruddy house OP, you could paint it in neon stripes if you wanted, it's bugger all to do with anyone else. I think you were very restrained in your response but understand why. Doing something like this without the recipients consent is not 'doing something nice for them' it's arrogantly trampling all over them.
As an aside i quite like bold colours but if you're going to use them, be sure you can edge with precision. I'd have throttled her for the shonky finish if nothing else.

No, we can't abide it either. This is why it needs to be called out. Every damn time.

This cannot be real ? So ur in hospital with complications and a new baby and ur mother decides to redecorate ur living room ??? Unless ur existing living room was awful and falling to bits wtaf was she thinking, could she not find anything more worthwhile and helpful to do for u ? Like maybe do some cleaning/washing/cooking Has she got previous for this mental behavior ?

Congratulations on the birth of your son, I hope you begin to feel better soon.

Your mum's actions screams controlling, she probably decided your colour choice wasn't right and she knew best. Now she's livid as you disagreed with her.

Enjoy this baby bonding time and give yourself space to think about what you want going forward.

Start setting boundaries, as don't suppose your mum will stop at painting rooms the colours she thinks they should be.

Exactly.

(The new look sounds horrifying. There's no excuse for royal purple anywhere.)

I have heard of some batshit crazy things but this takes the biscuit!
you handled it ok their problem not yours they are missing the baby leave them to it

@Blubstering you did well to be so calm!

What on earth was your mum thinking?!?! That's insane!

And for them to now sulk because you didn't like it is ridiculous!

You shouldn't have to deal with this though. Could you get your husband to draft an email to them saying you appreciate that the decorating was done to try and do something nice, and thank them for their effort, but you just don't like bright and strong colours. I'd then say you didn't mean to upset them by not liking it.

I'd then be a cheeky cow and say as a gesture to make it up to them, perhaps they could look after the baby for a day in the future and you and your husband will happily paint the entire of their living room in Cadbury purple as they like it so much!

Bloody hell, this is absolute insanity from your parents. You poor things.

Nothing useful to add to the other responses but sending a hand-hold. Everyone needs to back tf off while you and dh get used to your new baby (congratulations!) and while you recover from what sounds like a hell of an ordeal. Incredibly important that you both react as a team and get boundaries in place for everything as soon as you're able to.

If your parents are talking to anyone else about this batshittery, I'm certain they'll be told the same as we're all saying, so they may well be apologising soon enough. Until then, let them stew and I'm really sorry you're having to deal with this.

To be fair, she did well to do all that in a couple of days. She's obviously good.
(yes, I know that's not the point, but I am impressed 😉)

So no this is the NHS

Initially DS went to NICU because he was a bit shocked after birth and needed a bit of bringing round but after about 8 hours he was absolutely fine and they needed the NICU bed so he was returned to DH and I on the post natal ward. Just as he was getting better, I was getting very poorly very quickly, so I was moved to a side room off the post natal ward because I was having quite a lot of intervention at that point and it was quite scary for the other ladies on the ward I imagine. DH was quite literally left holding the baby, and then when I went to theatre the midwives brought DH a fold out bed in to the side room. I was in intensive care the first day and a half (mainly for the observations I think) but DH was allowed to stay on post natal in the side room because DS still needed his newborn discharge checks etc. The midwives were great and helped him learn how to care for DS while I was gone. He wasn’t on his own much at all, they really looked after him. Then when I was stable they moved me back to the post natal ward to DS and DH but I was very out of it and asleep most of the time so DH stayed a further couple of days until I was well enough to care for DS.

I assume it’s a lot less resource intensive to have the fathers care for the babies when the mums can’t - better for the babies to have someone familiar too, I think.

There is no wonder that some relationships sour at a time like this.

Yoir parents are really shocking.
This is not normal.
Let his mother off too.
What a pair.

Let them be odd.
Take it as a win.
I wouldn't contact them or see them for the foreseeable future.
They need to be put in their place.
No one does what your mother does.

Only the unhinged and batshit parents do this.

Sepsis is so serious and they think interference in your private space is appropriate.

Keep them all the hell away.
I so believe that parents like this bring nothing to the lives of their children or grandchildren.

Let them stew. This is your future if you allow them to continue to behave like this.

I would let my beloved plants die, before I would allow someone into my house like your mother.

Oh dear. The only thing I can think of is that she was absolutely terrified out of her mind that you were going to die (sounds like you had a really rough time) and this was her weird way of coping?

Wow, she’s very controlling. Moved in on your home with her critical head on and assumed authority over your choices in your home. Not only that, but at a time when she knows you are at your most vulnerable, trying to find your way as a new mum.

You poor thing. What an utterly bonkers thing to do especially in such garish colours.
You’ve been really ill and just need peace and quiet.
Your mil can’t stay as you have decorators in after your home was vandalised.

Wow.

Of ALL the things she could have done to help her seriously ill daughter who had just given birth, this is what she decided on??

And now instead of accepting she massively f*** up and apologising profusely, she's taken the hump (and taken your dad with her) and is cutting off her nose to spite her face and missing out on her new grandchild?

OP, your mum is an utter nightmare.

The fact that you responded so calmly to her and that you're now questioning how you can fix things with them both makes me think you've probably spent you whole life treading on eggshells around her

So sorry she's done this to you, now of all times.

You're the mum now. Can you imagine treating your child like this?

Enjoy your beautiful little baby and forget your mum for now.

That's an outrageous overstepping of boundaries.

You are going to have to work hard when you feel better to set firm boundaries with ALL family.

Do some research while your recovering, get DH on the same wavelength, then go for it. Good luck!

Congrats on your newborn