If you’re married to a surgeon please tell me if you think I’m being unfair?

[Likao]

I am 40 and we have 1 dc age 2. I do everything for dd in terms of nursery runs, packing bags, ensuring dd has new shoes that fit, taking her to appointments etc. Any admin you can think of, I do.

i also work full time from home, so I have flexibility which is why I do nursery etc. At weekends DP will take dd out from 10ish to 4pm ish on a Saturday or Sunday so I can have a break. I don’t think this is ok or enough and I’m starting to get really pissed off that everything is left to me.

if I ask DP to do a specific task like put a wash on or pick up some food then he will. But what infuriates me is there is NEVER a sense of urgency from him to be home at a reasonable time and he would absolutely never ensure he was there to collect dd from nursery for example. I have to cut my data short often to collect her if unwell but he literally does not think he can do this because he can’t just leave patients (in his words). Obviously I know that there is a difference with his job but I am absolutely at the end of my tether tonight and very upset he’s been at work since 6am and not even asked how I’ve got on with dd and her bedtime (she’s very difficult at the moment). It’s making me very unhappy and feel very alone. It’s caused loads of arguments the last few weeks as I feel totally put upon. I don’t feel I have an equal relationship and the only answer I get back is that his job means he can’t do more. I’m sick of it all, should I expect more, is it fair?

clinellwipe- def a factor. i watch colleagues get stressed when kit not available that was ordered, theatres changed - they have run the operation in their head, they know what they want down to the last tool and when someone says no their ability to think round the issue is limited - ND meltdown!

My DCS know the day before surgery we do not go out - we always have a certain type of pasta nd they get ice cream! i will sit plan and think my next day through, check things and they do not disturb me! I get up toilet, shower, cup of tea kiss them good bye and it is always in the same order same way, if I get to theatre and there are delays I have to walk away until they are sorted because I can not stay calm. I just want to flip the switch and my day plan will enfold - delay is anxiety inducing.

You get 6 hours alone at home every week, does he get the same when he isn't working or with your child?

My husband is a surgeon and having a young family is hard to balance. When they needed us to do school runs DH would drop them off a couple of times a week.

It would have been insanity to rely on everything to go smoothly and for him to be there on time for pick up. If it's too much, you need paid childcare.

It's not a popular opinion here, but not all jobs are equal.

@Bjorkdidit The child is at nursery all day. OP works from home. She's not parenting 85% of the time because her child is in nursery.
She's parenting by doing the nursery drop-off and pick up.

I don't know what she expected to be honest.
Her H can't walk out in the middle of an operation.

And presumably without his work and income they wouldn't have the home they're in.

They knew his workload before they had a child.

How did she expect anything different?

With two good incomes, they can afford to employ help like a nanny and a cleaner.

You got my back up a bit because, of course he can't just fuck off the patients to pick up DD. People (like me) wait months for surgeries and appointments, its not good enough for a surgeon to leave for childcare, when their wife's working at home. You have to accept his job will always be the important job or you will essentially resent him and end this marriage.

6 hours alone on the weekend is a lot, but I'm also quite sad for you. Its like you've already split up. Spend the weekend parenting and living together as a family.

Can you do anything like cut down your hours so you're not spread so thin; this would be preferable logical option because with a job like a consultant surgeon; you will always be the one working around them. I don't see how you can both have 2 demanding jobs and do parenting justice.

Perhaps you can hire a cleaner, order from an expensive ready meal service so cooking is less of a chore?

IME, families do one of two things.

One career takes a back seat (with fewer hours and/ or less responsibility) and that parent does more the childcare and domestic stuff.

If both parents have demanding jobs, they employ staff- a nanny, au pair, full time nursery, a cleaner. Or rely on family support if available.

It's no good whinging once you have a family because all of this was foreseeable.

DP is not a surgeon but an airline pilot who works away five days at a time (his base is too far to commute). I knew this before we had children and have always accepted the good (secure finances, nice house) with the bad (I do all the childcare including the mental load while he’s away). DP always appreciates what I do while he’s away (I work in a professional role as well, though have dropped to part time) and will take the children out and do drop offs etc when he’s on days off so I can have rest. He does sometimes slip into ‘holiday mode’ when he gets home so I’ve found I need to sometimes prompt him to do his household share. The children are now 8 and 9 and it’s generally got easier.
puts very different to how many families operate, but it works for us.

*It’s

I’m sorry, but in what way is paid hours worked relevant? This is outside of office hours.

Besides, childcare is work. I would still think a SAHM deserved time to herself, I would still think a full-time nurse deserved time to herself.

“6 hours alone on the weekend is a lot, but I'm also quite sad for you. Its like you've already split up. Spend the weekend parenting and living together as a family.”

This is barmy. You can have weekends for family time and get some time to yourself! It’s not one or the other. What an odd mentality.

To be honest if I were married to a surgeon I would be inclined to work part time to keep my home ticking along & balance out the fact I’m compensating for an adult working excessive hours.

I am assuming you have the extra income. Do you have a cleaner and is it possible for you to outsource meals ? Car cleaning ? Get in a nanny if you have a doctors/hair appointment or social occasion ? Holidays with dinners out while you have a babysitter & is your car professionally cleaned and garden done ? If your lifestyle affords this then I think that dramatically changes things.

I’m curious as to why you think the number of hours a woman spends in paid work is relevant to her entitlement to time for herself outside of office hours? Should a full-time worker be entitled to more me-time than a SAHM or part-time worker? All examples are engaged in labour, the labour just differs in the extent to which it is respected and remunerated.

The child also goes to nursery. So you get six hours a week to yourself to do as you please when your DH takes the child out. Does your DH also get six hours a week to himself to do as he pleases?
So many parents get ZERO hours to themselves each week.

I know people who changed, dropped their careers to something more manageable in terms of hours, they wanted to be there with their kids after school and in holidays etc. one dropped his consultancy for brain surgery and took up anaesthetics be cause it was more maneagable and he could work four days. But that is really rare. Divorce rate for doctoring generally is very high, as is alcoholism, burnout etc. it’s not them it what’s asked of them, that’s the issue. we don’t train enough doctors and the hours/route to consultancy are unreasonable and not conducive to having any kind of life never mind family life.
We need at least ten new medical and allied medical, nursing, physio, O.T. obesity consultants and technical university campuses in this country. We have the raw material, ie the candidates four times over every year but no one, including us, has the political will or vision to invest in the future of our nations health. So that leaves us with a shortfall which we fill with overseas candidates whom are less qualified than our fifth year undergraduates. It’s an obvious opportunity to invest in our future which is forward thinking but we don’t do a lot of that do we in the uk.

"he’s been at work since 6am" and he's bloody knackered and has all the stress and responsibility of his job to process.

"It’s making me very unhappy and feel very alone."

you're acting like a petulant child.

you can't seriously be expecting him to say, "sorry I know you're dying on the operating table but my wife feels lonely from sitting at home with our child so I need to leave now."

it's nothing to do with him, you just don't like parenting and working full time. otherwise you'd be thinking about how lucky you are to have a husband with such a significant lifesaving role, a big household income, and a lovely child.

there are many people out there who can't have children and desperately want them, who would love a full time job working from home, who don't have a big household income and are struggling day to day, who don't have a husband committed to providing for his family.

Too harsh by far, coping with one stress isn’t less than coping with another. The woman’s role of raising the next generation once more diminished as less important than everything…it’s the most important job in the world.

Yep. And it’s work. It’s unpaid work on top of paid work.

It is.
And for now, this is the spare time you have.
Outsource whatever you can to free you up a bit during the week: cleaner, meal delivery, childminder/nanny

You sound totally unrealistic about what liked is like when you have young children! It is loads.

And you sound like someone who has either been totally conditioned to not expect any time to herself, or who is with a partner who doesn’t respect your entitlement to rest and independence.

I think it’s a lot to expect him to take your DD out all day on a weekend.

You don’t need a full day break every week, especially when he doesn’t get this either.

In the current set up YABU

However, it would really annoy me if my DP didn’t act like an equal parent/partner.

I would either completely scrap the one day a week of your free time.
Or alternate so one day a week you get the day off and the next week he gets the day off.

I would then set up a rota of what needs to be done and when.
You don’t have a commute and so you will naturally have more free time to get housework and cooking done but he should also be pulling his weight too.

There are surgeons who live alone and come home and cook and clean for themselves.
He is capable of doing the washing up in the evenings or unloading the washing machine.

You will be the default for parenting and housework because your job is more flexible and you’re at home more.
But he’s still an adult, partner and parent who needs to pull his weight and being a surgeon doesn’t trump that.

Did I blink and I wake up in the 1950s?
She should just give her career up on a whim?

I do think OP is a little naive about how much down time people in other jobs get, people working shifts around each other, single parents etc. But it's not ok to suggest she just needs to give up her career because she's the one who doesn't have a bloody penis!

I think what PP is getting at is that many parents will work shifts /Days around each other/are single parents/have more than 1 child and the weekend will be spent with both parents simultaneously at different hobbies etc.
I didn't read it as most women aren't lucky enough to have a DH who 'allows them this time'.
DP and I both work full time long hours and have teens, the weekends are an endless round of sports/lifts/cleaning/prep for the next week.
We prob get a couple of hours to watch TV or what not on the weekend evenings but that's it.

Sometimes raising children you have to do the hard yards and double down on your wants and needs when the children are sorted. Sleep? When? Time to my self? Ha! Ha! Even a visit to the loo rendered a queue of needy complainants out side the door! But there were many magical times too many many more so it’s a thumbs up from me. You have them, you raise them that’s what I believe. I used to have a mate who lived next door to her mum and had help whenever she needed it. I used to watch wistfully…

I understand that, but that is in itself a choice to an extent, isn’t it? This woman has one child, works full-time, and does every single teatime and bedtime while her partner is at work. So she is trying to find her version of balance, not anyone else’s. I find it a bit disturbing how prevalent the attitude of “well I don’t get time to myself so you shouldn’t either” seems to be on here. How are women ever going to achieve equality if women striving for it in their own lives are just torn down and told to count themselves lucky? I hope the OP is reading still and knows that there are women out there who have ringfenced me-time while being present parents and in happy relationships!