Page 14 | If you’re married to a surgeon please tell me if you think I’m being unfair?

Spirallingdownwards · 08/02/2025 13:26

tigerlily9 · 07/02/2025 22:03

look at it this way, this is all for his career. What happens to your finances when you divorce? Will he happily give you 50% of his income and do 50% of childcare? If so why isn’t he doing it now?

Edited

He won't give 50% of his income upon divorce.

User757373 · 08/02/2025 13:31

The problem in our marriage is he finds it difficult to be flexible to mine and my child's needs and he finds it difficult to empathise. Like I said before, fantastic doctor , not so fantastic husband/dad.

This is exactly the problem we have too! I feel he has the belief that he cannot be (very) ND because of the immense success in his work and financial life. So any accusations of ND being the root cause of our issues lands on dead ears and is deflected as clearly not being correct. He grew up in the time when ASD was typically only for extremely disruptive kids who grow into unemployable adults. So the proof that he is so successful means he cannot be ND and the fault lies in everyone else. He conveniently ignores the fact that his brother had/has every single symptom of ASD and also struggled massively as an adult in completing his studies and holding down jobs. They are textbook examples of high functioning and low functioning ASD.

ApiratesaysYarrr · 08/02/2025 13:48

Laughinglama · 08/02/2025 13:03

Is that some sort of joke - about the standard NHS 37.5 hours a week.

Read up on junior Dr or now ‘residents’ contracts - it’s literally been all over the news with regards to their fight for pay. 37.5 hours would be the dream for them. Most average about 70

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Sorry, but most do not average 70 hours/week, and have not done for decades (I'm a doctor). The EWTD is very clear that the average must be 48hrs/week - and most rota co-ordinators will try to get as close as possible to that, with a maximum of 72 hours in any 7 day period.

I'm completely sympathetic to doctors in training, but you need to be accurate about what you are saying.

BMA link about working hours

Doctors and the European Working Time Directive

Find out how the European Working Time Directive was implemented, and how it affects consultants, SAS doctors and resident doctors.

https://www.bma.org.uk/pay-and-contracts/working-hours/european-working-time-directive-ewtd/doctors-and-the-european-working-time-directive

clinellwipe · 08/02/2025 14:03

On our first day of induction as F1 doctors in Belfast we were all sat down by management with the forms to "opt out" of the European working time directive. There was no plan for what would happen to the rota etc if we didn't want to do that. As far as I know we all did as we were told.

But yes I appreciate Northern Ireland is a different contract to rest of the UK and I'm not up to date with current medicine contracts other than what I see on my husband's anaesthetic reg rota (we are currently in England). Over the 28 days of February 2025 he is working an average of 48.75 hours a week

If OP comes back maybe she can share roughly where in the UK they are

SamPoodle123 · 08/02/2025 14:04

Allihavetodoisdream · 08/02/2025 11:35

That sounds like a lot of activities! And I guess it would become more about carving out me-time in between (reading a book while the teen plays tennis, having a glass of wine while cooking dinner)? Or like tag-teaming it so one of you can have a nice long bubble bath in peace?

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Oh yea, we do manage to carve out little opportunities....thankfully. I will have a glass of wine while I cook dinner and watch a little bit of something on tv at the same time. 😂I also manage to take a short relaxing bath almost daily lol....although someone (including the dog) usually always enters the bathroom during that time. I also need a little alone time, so I tend to retreat to my room early in the evenings after I put the youngest to bed and get a good hour to myself (mostly). The older two are more independent now, so can read on their own, play a game, ipad etc in the evening.

ByWaryCrab · 08/02/2025 14:11

Pottedpalm · 08/02/2025 11:43

‘Nurses all around’… many nurses have a very unfavourable opinion of consultants/surgeons. Are you implying that the OP’s DH is going to be lured away by a tempting nurse? That’s quite offensive, really.

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Just depends which side of the fence you’re standing. Some silly girls do get over involved. The older or more self respecting don’t do that but some definitely do and seem to enjoy that you’re made to feel small. Incorrigible flirts at times… ridiculous.

Titasaducksarse · 08/02/2025 14:14

DuplicateUserName · 07/02/2025 22:11

I have worked with a lot of top surgeons in the past.

And I can genuinely say there wasn't a single one of them who wasn't arrogant, up their own arse and came across as though they thought they were a gift to us all from God himself.

I don't know what it was that made them like that, but if they carried that attitude home with them, I can only imagine what family life was like for their wives and children.

100 % agree re attitude but this is instilled into them from the first day at Uni. I found this fascinating as it's a huge difference between medical v social model.

ApiratesaysYarrr · 08/02/2025 14:22

clinellwipe · 08/02/2025 14:03

On our first day of induction as F1 doctors in Belfast we were all sat down by management with the forms to "opt out" of the European working time directive. There was no plan for what would happen to the rota etc if we didn't want to do that. As far as I know we all did as we were told.

But yes I appreciate Northern Ireland is a different contract to rest of the UK and I'm not up to date with current medicine contracts other than what I see on my husband's anaesthetic reg rota (we are currently in England). Over the 28 days of February 2025 he is working an average of 48.75 hours a week

If OP comes back maybe she can share roughly where in the UK they are

The maximum average hours worked runs over much longer period than 1 month (it runs over 1 rota-cycle), so it's not an issue that in 1 month he worked (at least officially) 0.75 hours over the average.

Leavesandacorns · 08/02/2025 14:28

I think a lot of men pretend their jobs are super important to get out of their responsibilities... a surgeon is one of the few professions that actually is a big important job.

When he’s at home he should be doing 50/50 but I don't think it's reasonable to expect him to be home for the nursery run on set days. He can hardly down tools if a surgery has complications or takes longer than expected.

clinellwipe · 08/02/2025 14:37

Yes I re-read your post and saw you specified 48 hours which is what my husband is doing. I think I just find it annoying that "full time" means more in doctorland than "full time" in other jobs

wizzywig · 08/02/2025 15:07

@RosesAndHellebores I am so sorry for late your loss .

2magpie · 08/02/2025 15:12

You find one child that difficult, despite having nursery and one weekend day free? Wow. 🤣

Adviceforfriendpl · 08/02/2025 15:16

Likao · 07/02/2025 21:46

I am 40 and we have 1 dc age 2. I do everything for dd in terms of nursery runs, packing bags, ensuring dd has new shoes that fit, taking her to appointments etc. Any admin you can think of, I do.

i also work full time from home, so I have flexibility which is why I do nursery etc. At weekends DP will take dd out from 10ish to 4pm ish on a Saturday or Sunday so I can have a break. I don’t think this is ok or enough and I’m starting to get really pissed off that everything is left to me.

if I ask DP to do a specific task like put a wash on or pick up some food then he will. But what infuriates me is there is NEVER a sense of urgency from him to be home at a reasonable time and he would absolutely never ensure he was there to collect dd from nursery for example. I have to cut my data short often to collect her if unwell but he literally does not think he can do this because he can’t just leave patients (in his words). Obviously I know that there is a difference with his job but I am absolutely at the end of my tether tonight and very upset he’s been at work since 6am and not even asked how I’ve got on with dd and her bedtime (she’s very difficult at the moment). It’s making me very unhappy and feel very alone. It’s caused loads of arguments the last few weeks as I feel totally put upon. I don’t feel I have an equal relationship and the only answer I get back is that his job means he can’t do more. I’m sick of it all, should I expect more, is it fair?

If you think about how much he earns an hour - it would be more cost effective to hire a mums help / cleaner to do some of those jobs you want him to do

khaa2091 · 08/02/2025 16:13

tigerlily9 · 07/02/2025 22:13

anaesthetists prep the patients, if you’re regularly expected to be working late you need to talk to your managers, you aren’t on call every day and they aren’t in theatre every day. They work similar hours to all other doctors. What about intensive care doctor's, obstetricians? They aren’t more special just because they cut.

Edited

Umm, obstetricians are surgeons.

Anaesthetists jointly prep the patients - the surgeons have their name above the bed and will need to see / consent / organise urgent missing bloods / finalise the list order / potentially prescribe. Surgeons, partly due to the competitiveness and culture work amongst the longest hours of any specialty.

Pottedpalm · 08/02/2025 16:59

ByWaryCrab · 08/02/2025 14:11

Just depends which side of the fence you’re standing. Some silly girls do get over involved. The older or more self respecting don’t do that but some definitely do and seem to enjoy that you’re made to feel small. Incorrigible flirts at times… ridiculous.

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Who is made to feel
small? Sorry, confused!

Hello2025baby · 08/02/2025 16:59

Destiny123 · 08/02/2025 07:14

It's cos your husbands a reg. Anaesthetic bosses are lovely and often send us regs home way before the actual list finishes (most finish around 6 earliest but v v common they are still running at 7/8 ock). Surgical consultants a) would never do that b) regs can't as they'll lose their numbers and practice. In anaesthetics 90% of our training is giving anaesthetics, surgeons have to cover a lot more other stuff (wards clinics a&e etc so time in theatre is more precious from a learning perspective vs us, once the pt is settled on the table there's not tons to do until time to take the tube out, and by the time we are a reg that doesn't really add to our learning so our bosses let us leave

Yea to the cooking, I resort to mass batch cooking and a freezer full of tub foods else my diet would be horrific

We can't read up about pts from home in my current trust as it's not an app based patient record system like my last hospital, I compensate for getting in at 7am

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Anaesthetists are the nicest 😀

Pottedpalm · 08/02/2025 17:01

I think some posters are assuming that the OP’s DH is a consultant when he may be a registrar and have less control over hours, shifts and on-call weekends.

Pottedpalm · 08/02/2025 17:05

Sorry, the term is now ‘resident’ I see.

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 08/02/2025 18:03

Do you love your husband and your child ,OP? Because you seem to regard the child as a difficult nuisance, and the husband as failing to centre you in his life . This discontent and lack of connection seem to be at the heart of your problem, rather than the exact circumstances of your life.

If your husband is taking your child out ( or looking after her at home without your involvement) for most of one of the two weekend days, he seems to be trying to accommodate your desire for what? A single lifestyle?

I think you might well benefit from discussing these feelings of being put upon and neglected with a professional rather than enquiring on Mumsnet where most replies just mirror their own experience.

BreezyAquaCrow · 08/02/2025 18:21

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 08/02/2025 18:03

Do you love your husband and your child ,OP? Because you seem to regard the child as a difficult nuisance, and the husband as failing to centre you in his life . This discontent and lack of connection seem to be at the heart of your problem, rather than the exact circumstances of your life.

If your husband is taking your child out ( or looking after her at home without your involvement) for most of one of the two weekend days, he seems to be trying to accommodate your desire for what? A single lifestyle?

I think you might well benefit from discussing these feelings of being put upon and neglected with a professional rather than enquiring on Mumsnet where most replies just mirror their own experience.

This has really hit the nail on the head.

Whelm · 08/02/2025 18:42

blueshoes · 07/02/2025 23:53

Three lads in my class at school became surgeons, two were dead before they reached 55.

@Whelm how did they die?

Coronary thrombosis for one, the other was described to me as 'the consequences of acute stress'.

deeahgwitch · 08/02/2025 18:54

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 08/02/2025 18:03

Do you love your husband and your child ,OP? Because you seem to regard the child as a difficult nuisance, and the husband as failing to centre you in his life . This discontent and lack of connection seem to be at the heart of your problem, rather than the exact circumstances of your life.

If your husband is taking your child out ( or looking after her at home without your involvement) for most of one of the two weekend days, he seems to be trying to accommodate your desire for what? A single lifestyle?

I think you might well benefit from discussing these feelings of being put upon and neglected with a professional rather than enquiring on Mumsnet where most replies just mirror their own experience.

An excellent post @Allthegoodnamesarechosen

Pippyls67 · 08/02/2025 18:55

Get some assistance with your job - make it male. Get on very well with your assistant and be sooo pleased he’s such a help. Lovely guy etc etc. Dh will soon get jealous he’s not the main character of his little world anymore and step up to help out more. With men like this it’s the only way.

MrsPositivity1 · 08/02/2025 19:09

DuplicateUserName · 07/02/2025 22:11

I have worked with a lot of top surgeons in the past.

And I can genuinely say there wasn't a single one of them who wasn't arrogant, up their own arse and came across as though they thought they were a gift to us all from God himself.

I don't know what it was that made them like that, but if they carried that attitude home with them, I can only imagine what family life was like for their wives and children.

100% agree

FridayFeelingmidweek · 08/02/2025 19:15

Bs0u416d · 07/02/2025 23:17

I'm not married to a surgeon but an Anaesthetist. I'm a dentist. I work long days myself but still manage to get up before him,make him breakfast, feed the dog, take the dog to daycare, do 10 hours at work, pick to dog up and then cook dinner before we relax. I don't know if it's just surgeons or something they learn at medical school. Or something they learn at work.

Why on earth would you make him breakfast? Unless of course he does the same for you equally.