If you’re married to a surgeon please tell me if you think I’m being unfair?

[Likao]

I am 40 and we have 1 dc age 2. I do everything for dd in terms of nursery runs, packing bags, ensuring dd has new shoes that fit, taking her to appointments etc. Any admin you can think of, I do.

i also work full time from home, so I have flexibility which is why I do nursery etc. At weekends DP will take dd out from 10ish to 4pm ish on a Saturday or Sunday so I can have a break. I don’t think this is ok or enough and I’m starting to get really pissed off that everything is left to me.

if I ask DP to do a specific task like put a wash on or pick up some food then he will. But what infuriates me is there is NEVER a sense of urgency from him to be home at a reasonable time and he would absolutely never ensure he was there to collect dd from nursery for example. I have to cut my data short often to collect her if unwell but he literally does not think he can do this because he can’t just leave patients (in his words). Obviously I know that there is a difference with his job but I am absolutely at the end of my tether tonight and very upset he’s been at work since 6am and not even asked how I’ve got on with dd and her bedtime (she’s very difficult at the moment). It’s making me very unhappy and feel very alone. It’s caused loads of arguments the last few weeks as I feel totally put upon. I don’t feel I have an equal relationship and the only answer I get back is that his job means he can’t do more. I’m sick of it all, should I expect more, is it fair?

Thank you. He'd be 27 now and I came to terms with it aeons ago. I was incredibly lucky because dd was born born 51 weeks later. It was, nevertheless a very dark time.

I think if u marry a surgeon you marry a person and their career. This is one job I would cut the DH slack. Surely he's earning well and going to earn well.
I think I'd go part time if there's too much pressure on you.
He's not doing a regular job. Peoples lives depend on him. I think support him and do what you need to do to make life better for you without getting annoyed at him.

The problem is, I'm not persuaded surgeons, relatively, do earn enough nowadays to make the sacrifices worth it.

It’s motherhood, get used to it as teenagers are worse

I don't think many medical or surgical specialties do, really. The salaries are good and we're fortunate to have stable jobs, but there are plenty of ways to earn considerably more, probably for less stress. The money isn't the primary reason to work in medicine or surgery.

He needs to appreciate you more. You need to get more help and support in the week - paid for.

I'm not so sure about less stress in other areas to be honest. DH was self employed. If he hadn't stayed at the top of his game, no fees would have come in. No sick pay, no Employer's contributions to his pension, no paid holiday. When we lost a baby at 27 weeks, the judge gave a two day adjournment. I'm not sure that doctors get it actually. They certainly don't when there are two hour delays in their clinics and their staff don't so much as apologise.

Also, when was the last time a surgeon or Dr was at risk of redundancy?

I'm not married to a surgeon but have been a nurse in theatres and even that came with an expectation that I couldn't fully commit to picking up my own children as unfortunately not every case in theatre runs for the same amount of time. Theatre lists are based and booked on average times, but what happens when a routine operation turns into something more complex. What do you expect? Sorry I need to abandon mid way through due to childcare? What if that was you on the operating table or in fact one of your children? What if a relative of yours was in clinic for something more serious than expected? Or it was discovered someone wasn't safe in their home and you had to organise support to ensure their safety - come back tomorrow as I have to get home? Nothing is expected in healthcare and even the lowest paid accept this as its teamwork. Be proud of him, unfortunatley this is life being part of someone's life who cares for a living. So yes, YABU as its not just your husband not able to leave on time, it's also the same for the entire team he works with

I think you’re very lucky to have half a day off on the weekend!
I couldn’t imagine that, although I wouldn’t be any that either as I look forward to weekends and spending time with my child.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

The child is in fulltime nursery and out with her Dad 6 hours a weekend. How much more childcare can she need?
I mean a cleaner or prepped meal plans etc., yes I see the point but the child is barely home with Mom.

He didn't HAVE to do a PhD, it was his choice to boost his career. Let's see if you want to do a PhD would he take over the household chores? Surgeons have a complex of God, everyone else are below them. That's fine if you are okay with it. But it's mind boggling that the majority of people here thought the OP was unreasonable

It is not fair to say all surgeons have a god complex. What a ridiculous statement.

Perhaps they are assisted if they can learn to come across as confident. I would certainly not want any surgeon operating on me to not seem nervous. Can you imagine!

But those just generally having a dig and making sweeping asertions come across as having a chip on their shoulder. They are just people and a group of diverse personalities.

I don't know any families where both parents work so are away from the kids at least 8 hours a day where one would then choose to be on their own for an additional 6 hours rather than together. A few hours for a hobby, yes. The occasional all day or weekend, yes. But OP basically gets one family day a week where she sees her child all day and she (and you) think that's too much time together?

I’m also a surgeon. I agree with this. DH picks up and drops off far more than me and MIL does quite a few too as well as having my nursery age DD 2 days (we appreciate we’re very lucky!) But I’ll do 2-6 school runs a week, depending on what I have on at work. That’s as a consultant though, when I was a trainee it was much more difficult. We accepted that I wouldn’t be able to do much hands on during the week in my final year of training but didn’t want to go LTFT as it would extend training. I do all the child related admin (from all the female surgeons with children I know that predominantly seems to be a gender thing rather than a career role thing but of course there are exceptions to this!) I often do work admin once the children are in bed in the evenings rather than stay longer to do it at work. I have also done telephone clinics and MDTs from home with a poorly child tucked up on the sofa, not ideal but needs must on occasion.

I do understand that it is difficult to let patients down and I really struggle with cancelling anything at work as often those patients have waited months to see me. Different specialities and different departments are very variable and the culture of surgery isn’t always supportive for parenting a young family. I’m lucky that I have excellent colleagues!

Good luck. As a surgeon I do have insight that we aren’t the easiest to live with!

Perhaps you would like him to leave a patient on the operating table so that he can collect your DD from nursery, get help if you feel that you need it.

Hmm, I would say him taking her out 10-4 is actually a very nice gesture tbh.

I'm genuinely surprised at the number of posters here saying they are surgeons.

As a percentage of the working population they are few and far between. Female surgeons are even fewer.

And they have time to read and post on MN.

Amazing.

I am gobsmacked by so many people saying YABU. This is a typical scenario that I hear way too often where the man thinks the childcare 24/7 is the woman’s job even if she works full time also. I can imagine you are as fucked off and resentful as i am at being taken the piss out of. Childcare and everything to do with the child is 50/50 and not the woman’s job. I fully empathise with you OP.

There are around 1000 new CT1 surgical training posts available every year, across the specialties. Given that training takes 8yr that's a minimum of 8000 resident surgeons (used to be known as registrars) at any one time. And then all the existing consultants on top of that. PMGUK has thousands of members - all doctors, all mums. Of course some of them are on mumsnet. And I reckon most people are likely to click on a post with something v relevant to them in the title...

You knew his job etc when you chose to have a child and you knew the choice and commitment. I'm not saying it's not hard. But to be honest, him looking after her so much on his own at the weekend a lot of people would be impressed with! If you can't cope that's fine, but don't blame your hubby for that. Look at your options, reduce your hours, change jobs, get a nanny, get a housekeeper to do meal prep etc... I don't know the answer, but I think perhaps pause and look at it differently.

There are so many situations where this is just not possible. My DH was often out of the country for a week or weeks at a time. When not travelling he would often leave the house before we were up, and arriving home before 7 would be an exciting event. I worked part time, did all the school runs, ferrying to music/ballet/swimming, all the children’s admin, food shopping etc etc. This enabled DH to do his job properly.I didn’t expect him to cut his hours or demand time off as that would have gone down
like a lead balloon with his employers. His work enabled us to have a very high standard of living, lovely house, private education etc, and we made the most of weekends and holidays. Sometimes things cannot be 50:50 and actually I feel I had the better deal.

How exactly would you like things to change? I thought the PP who talked about appreciation for what you do was maybe onto something. You do a lot, work full time and know that any illnesses etc are on you to deal with and not much of a break during the week rushing from work to childcare. I guess his life hasn't changed much and yours has massively. My DH used to work away so it was all on me (though it was probably easier not to have consider another person in the house for cooking, cleaning, laundry etc) and I went part time specifically to reduce the stress and to make sure that I had some time to myself most days (which I used to go to an exercise class because that was the main thing for me to feel good). And we got a cleaner.

My son is severely disabled, has cancer and my partner says he can't leave work or attend a medical appointment because he can't get away from work. He is also never around on weekends because it pays so poorly that he needs to work 6 or 7 days.

He works for the gas board lol. I think your doing ok considering he's a surgeon.

It sounds like you had a discussion and agreed on your parenting approach which is fine. It doesn’t look like OP and her husband had the same understanding. I can’t help but think she would have had a different response if she hadn’t have mentioned he is a surgeon.