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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I just don't want to have sex tonight

165 replies

avm · 07/02/2025 21:39

EuGH my Husband is going to come and make it clear he wants sex tonight and I'm dreading it already.

I just don't want to. He'll spend ages trying to convince me to and possibly get annoyed if I don't do it.

We've been having sex once a week and I think it should be fine to say no without all the hassle ?

I'm so sick of the hassle that saying no causes.

Also he's a grumpy bastard anyway. Sometimes I do it, to see if he'll be less grumpy, but he's still grumpy.

OP posts:
Nessastats · 09/02/2025 09:22

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Another gross comment. Nobody has to make themselves available for sex they don't want.

If he doesn't like it he's free to end the marriage.

Pussycat22 · 09/02/2025 09:39

Summerhillsquare · 08/02/2025 14:28

It's made them testerical. And somehow they think it's women's problem.

Sorry OP, your husband sounds like a wanker, he should act in that and not be coercing you.

Show quote history

He should stay a wanker and leave her alone.!

gannett · 09/02/2025 09:42

ThisFluentBiscuit · 08/02/2025 02:11

Don't have sex if you don't want to, OP.

It's truly amazing how dumb men are when it comes to sex. I can understand it from a young man, but men never, ever learn. By which I mean, most women in long-term relationships don't fancy sex if he has disgusting habits, if there's no emotional intimacy, if he doesn't pull his weight around the house, if he's angry and grumpy, if he's got a drink problem or a fidelity problem. Emotional intimacy is something they place no importance on. And they elect not to understand how much many women love to be touched all over. They go for the main buttons like we're all machines.

Many, many men live their whole lives behaving badly in the ways above and choosing not to understand that women want emotional intimacy, friendship, partnership, and all-over touching.

Men complain about not getting enough sex, well you know what? Many men don't deserve sex. We risk pregnancy, and letting someone into your body is a different thing from what they experience. All too often, they act like we're appliances with "Insert appendage below" written between our hips.

Well, fuck them all.

I imagine we've all encountered men like this but the question is why marry them? I've had bad sex of this sort and in neither case did I see the man in question for more than a month.

I can't imagine feeling this way about a man I chose to be my life partner. The point is to choose someone who you're attracted to and who can push your buttons.

Frozenbees · 09/02/2025 10:12

gannett · 09/02/2025 09:42

I imagine we've all encountered men like this but the question is why marry them? I've had bad sex of this sort and in neither case did I see the man in question for more than a month.

I can't imagine feeling this way about a man I chose to be my life partner. The point is to choose someone who you're attracted to and who can push your buttons.

Show quote history

They can go off the boil a bit, three years in mine started taking it all for granted. We had some chats and fixed it.

gannett · 09/02/2025 10:17

Frozenbees · 09/02/2025 10:12

They can go off the boil a bit, three years in mine started taking it all for granted. We had some chats and fixed it.

Show quote history

Yes that sounds like a healthy relationship - good communication to navigate the ups and downs of libidos, performance etc.

So much of the advice in this thread seems to be based on the premise that it's normal to hate and be repulsed by your husband though.

To be fair the OP and her husband do seem to hate each other. In which case there's no point giving advice on their awful sex life - they should just split already.

AmberSwan · 09/02/2025 11:15

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

notanotherdad · 09/02/2025 11:43

Nessastats
“Pretty clear from this comment that you think a woman are just another commodity that men are entitled to. A woman putting her bodily autonomy on the line and having sex she doesn't want to avoid emotional abuse is nothing like squabbling over the tv.”

How on earth did you come to the conclusion, that women are just another commodity from my comments. Over and over again I’ve stated that if you are no longer attracted or do not want to have sex with your husband, you should leave. At the very least, have the conversation about it “hey I’m not feeling sex anymore and I want to stop”. At least this way they can talk about alternative options. Not once have I said a woman is the property of her husband and she should be available for anything he desires.

I love the hypocrisy of Mumsnet, if a woman says she doesn’t want to be intimate, she is supported and men are evil. If the roles are reversed and the husband has a low sex drive or ED the comments are “if you needs are not being met, go get some elsewhere or it is abuse to withhold sex from a relationship”.

OP is obviously not happy in this relationship, so my recommendation would be to go.
What is your alternative, the OP stay in this relationship? Wait until her DH is unfaithful and then has to go through the pain of being cheated on. How many years of OP ‘s life and her DH should they waste?

Nessastats · 09/02/2025 12:54

notanotherdad · 09/02/2025 11:43

Nessastats
“Pretty clear from this comment that you think a woman are just another commodity that men are entitled to. A woman putting her bodily autonomy on the line and having sex she doesn't want to avoid emotional abuse is nothing like squabbling over the tv.”

How on earth did you come to the conclusion, that women are just another commodity from my comments. Over and over again I’ve stated that if you are no longer attracted or do not want to have sex with your husband, you should leave. At the very least, have the conversation about it “hey I’m not feeling sex anymore and I want to stop”. At least this way they can talk about alternative options. Not once have I said a woman is the property of her husband and she should be available for anything he desires.

I love the hypocrisy of Mumsnet, if a woman says she doesn’t want to be intimate, she is supported and men are evil. If the roles are reversed and the husband has a low sex drive or ED the comments are “if you needs are not being met, go get some elsewhere or it is abuse to withhold sex from a relationship”.

OP is obviously not happy in this relationship, so my recommendation would be to go.
What is your alternative, the OP stay in this relationship? Wait until her DH is unfaithful and then has to go through the pain of being cheated on. How many years of OP ‘s life and her DH should they waste?

Based on the fact that you equate a woman's bodily autonomy to a tv. Women are not here for your entertainment. Tvs are.

Forcing a woman to have unwanted sex is not the same as deciding what to watch on tv and if you can't understand that then you're the problem, not me.

notanotherdad · 09/02/2025 13:19

Nassastats
“Based on the fact that you equate a woman's bodily autonomy to a tv. Women are not here for your entertainment. Tvs are.

Forcing a woman to have unwanted sex is not the same as deciding what to watch on tv and if you can't understand that then you're the problem, not me.”

Of course you won’t have a grown up conversation, you’re focused on the TV analogy. Everything else is irrelevant, but if that’s what you need to justify your ignorance, I’m not going to change your mind, you do you boo.

A genuine response from a woman on here, dealing with a husband who’s struggling with intimacy.

“I didn't say I necessarily would end a marriage based on lack of sex. I said my decisions would be based on his obvious lack of desire for sex (with me). Whatever he said in discussion/counselling etc... that he's tired/depressed/low confidence.... I would go by his actions rather than his words. But what I decided to do about it would be based on more than the sex. However I wouldn't decide to be celibate for the rest of my life just because the man I married was probably gay!”

The double standards are real, but you stick with the TV thing 🙄

JHound · 09/02/2025 15:27

Frozenbees · 09/02/2025 07:55

A wife is owed her husband's celibacy, yes. Being an unwilling sex slave is not part of being married. Being faithful is. If he doesnt want to be faithful but absolutely must have sex its time to exit the marriage unless she gives permission to cheat.

Exactly this.

Nessastats · 09/02/2025 17:40

notanotherdad · 09/02/2025 13:19

Nassastats
“Based on the fact that you equate a woman's bodily autonomy to a tv. Women are not here for your entertainment. Tvs are.

Forcing a woman to have unwanted sex is not the same as deciding what to watch on tv and if you can't understand that then you're the problem, not me.”

Of course you won’t have a grown up conversation, you’re focused on the TV analogy. Everything else is irrelevant, but if that’s what you need to justify your ignorance, I’m not going to change your mind, you do you boo.

A genuine response from a woman on here, dealing with a husband who’s struggling with intimacy.

“I didn't say I necessarily would end a marriage based on lack of sex. I said my decisions would be based on his obvious lack of desire for sex (with me). Whatever he said in discussion/counselling etc... that he's tired/depressed/low confidence.... I would go by his actions rather than his words. But what I decided to do about it would be based on more than the sex. However I wouldn't decide to be celibate for the rest of my life just because the man I married was probably gay!”

The double standards are real, but you stick with the TV thing 🙄

I will do me, thanks boo.

That person you quoted wasn't me, so it's completely irrelevant to quote it back at me like some kind of "gotcha". My standards haven't been double at all. i can hardly be responsible for what other people post.

If you want to get women to agree with you, which it seems like you really, really do, maybe don't compare a man coercing a woman into sex with the threat of emotional abuse (ie rape) to arguing over the tv.

notanotherdad · 09/02/2025 20:28

Nassastats
I'm sorry but I'm going to end this conversation with you now, you obviously haven't read what I've written and you want to stick with your TV analogy.

We both know that when I used that analogy, I was commenting on a different post on this thread and not the OP post. I've made it clear that a DH doesn't have the right to force his DW into anything sexual.

But as I expected, you have not offered any solutions or even expanded on any points, so I'm bored of talking to you now.
As they say "don't argue with idiots, they'll drag you down to their level and beat you with experience"
So I wish you a wonderful week and goodbye

JHound · 09/02/2025 20:39

Can we all just agree that the TV analogy was terrible 😆

Nessastats · 09/02/2025 21:02

Obviously that random man knows he's made some indefensible comments so that's all he's got left - pretending that I'm stupid. If that is what makes you feel better boo, you go for it.

Wishing you all the best op - you don't need to concern yourself with how your husband feels about it - if you don't want to have sex, you don't have to and no decent man would make you feel otherwise. It's not something you have to compromise on.

He lost the right to your consideration the instant he decided that being grumpy about it was in any way acceptable.

notanotherdad · 09/02/2025 21:07

JHound · 09/02/2025 20:39

Can we all just agree that the TV analogy was terrible 😆

😂😂 it wasn't great, but it wasn't aimed at OP

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