Page 5 | I just don't want to have sex tonight

avm · 2025-02-07T21:39:33+00:00

EuGH my Husband is going to come and make it clear he wants sex tonight and I'm dreading it already. I just don't want to. He'll spend ages trying to convince me to and possibly get annoyed if I don't do it. We've been having sex once a week and I think it should be fine to say no without all the hassle ? I'm so sick of the hassle that saying no causes. Also he's a grumpy bastard anyway. Sometimes I do it, to see if he'll be less grumpy, but he's still grumpy.

JustMyView13 · 08/02/2025 10:43

Nessastats · 08/02/2025 09:39

If no is a whole sentence why does she need to "communicate" a reason or give a time when she will be willing to have sex?

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I didn’t say she had to provide a reason. Please re-read my post.
I am suggesting that the lack of communication (could) be playing into an insecurity, hence the grumpy reaction.

No IS a whole sentence.
Open communication is important in marriage, and particularly regarding sex life.
Both of those statements can be true.

notanotherdad · 08/02/2025 10:46

TenerifeElevenerLife

"I’l tell you what you are, a sanctimonious cunt, who I can guarantee believes it’s okay to cheat on your other half when they don’t ’give you’ enough sex. Rank."

Not at all, even when being presented with opportunities, I have remained loyal. I'm not a monster that believes my DW is only here for my pleasure.

But typical Mumsnet response, someone gives an opinion you don't like and instead of challenging or giving a counter opinion, it's straight to anger and name calling.

Naunet · 08/02/2025 10:53

notanotherdad · 08/02/2025 10:46

TenerifeElevenerLife

"I’l tell you what you are, a sanctimonious cunt, who I can guarantee believes it’s okay to cheat on your other half when they don’t ’give you’ enough sex. Rank."

Not at all, even when being presented with opportunities, I have remained loyal. I'm not a monster that believes my DW is only here for my pleasure.

But typical Mumsnet response, someone gives an opinion you don't like and instead of challenging or giving a counter opinion, it's straight to anger and name calling.

So you put all the blame on OP, fail to acknowledge coercion or the very basics of consent, and then cry that mumsnet women are being big old meanies to the poor menz when you get called out on it? You realise women speak to each other just the same on here, you don't get a free pass because you have a dick you think we should all be worshipping.🙄

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 08/02/2025 10:58

'You better put out' is actually threatening. Horrible.

WandsOut · 08/02/2025 10:58

avm · 08/02/2025 10:18

I was recently talking to my H about being on a fitness journey/ wanting to do some tweakments, as I think if I felt better about my body, I would be more inclined to be more up for things. Since having kids, I've struggled a lot.

His answer was that I better put out and he should be the one to enjoy more time with me and not other men, otherwise- what's the point of trying to better myself.

This comment really pissed me off. Like he has ownership of my body somehow.

I'm not doing it for other men. I'm doing it FOR ME. I'm not even doing it for my husband. I just want to feel more comfortable in my own skin again. A positive side effect MIGHT be that sex might be more enjoyable for me.

Sounds very insecure and controlling - why are you with him?

Naunet · 08/02/2025 10:59

OP, have you ever spoken to him about his behaviour? If so, does he even try to understand?

WandsOut · 08/02/2025 11:00

Has he always been like this, has the sex always felt like a chore? Does he do anything kind or loving for you or is it all cold sex demands and no intimacy or thoughtfulness?

notanotherdad · 08/02/2025 11:08

Naunet
“So you put all the blame on OP, fail to acknowledge coercion or the very basics of consent, and then cry that mumsnet women are being big old meanies to the poor menz when you get called out on it? You realise women speak to each other just the same on here, you don't get a free pass because you have a dick you think we should all be worshipping.🙄”

Oh not at all, if OP doesn't want to have sex, she should not have sex. It's her body and her choice, but what I'm saying is if the OP DH is that repulsive that she doesn't want to engage in sexual acts with him. Maybe she needs to end the relationship and get with someone she wants to do it with. If the spark was there, the OP DH wouldn't have to ask, it would be natural and happen on its own accord. Me personally I'd hate to think I'm only making love to my wife because I've badgered her into it, that's not sexy, that's sad. It should be fun for both of us and not a chore.

When it comes to Mumsnet women, you're right, there are women that will call out other women, but there's a lot that are anti men and any suggestion of a husband wanting any sort of intimacy should be stoned to death. I won't make assumptions, but could it be possible that I have hit some home truths with you and that's why it's annoyed you so much?

On the worshiping comment, it's ok, but nothing to write home about and I have things to do. The whole worshiping thing would just get in the way, but I do like the idea of being able to use it as an excuse. "Sorry boss, I was going to do that thing, but look at this, I had even more worshipers turn up today, but it's supposed to be cold tomorrow. I get less worshipers when it's cold".

nutbrownhare15 · 08/02/2025 11:32

I can't imagine being in a relationship where your right to say no is ever questioned. DH always accepts immediately and would never make me feel bad about it. He simply doesn't feel entitled to sex. My heart goes out to everyone who is in this kind of relationship. It may be common but that doesn't make it ever right. No-one owns your body and you owe sex to no-one.

VickyEadieofThigh · 08/02/2025 11:34

Valid8me · 07/02/2025 21:45

Why dont you want to have sex with your husband?

I mean, if you don't want to then that is your choice but why does he get grumpy if you say no?

Why don't you want to do a wide range of things that you genuinely do not feel like doing?

Are you suggesting the OP (or any woman) SHOULD want sex purely because her DH/P wants it?

Mittens67 · 08/02/2025 11:37

This for me sums up a major difference between men and women.
Men will enjoy sex in any capacity. The fact that a woman does not want to makes no difference, and of course in some cases even more of a male turn on.
All they need is a fleshy hole.
Your husband doesn’t care about your mind or your feelings. All he cares about is access to the hole.

Original poster

avm · 08/02/2025 11:42

Mittens67 · 08/02/2025 11:37

This for me sums up a major difference between men and women.
Men will enjoy sex in any capacity. The fact that a woman does not want to makes no difference, and of course in some cases even more of a male turn on.
All they need is a fleshy hole.
Your husband doesn’t care about your mind or your feelings. All he cares about is access to the hole.

That's how it feels, exactly.

OP posts:

3luckystars · 08/02/2025 11:55

That’s awful.

PinkArt · 08/02/2025 12:16

avm · 08/02/2025 10:14

Does a husband own a wife's body ?

Hopefully this was rhetorical, but in case it wasn't, no. No a husband never owns a wife's body. That is her body, she owns it, she makes the decisions about what it does or about what happens to it.
Does he think otherwise?

SweetBabyCheesus · 08/02/2025 13:53

notanotherdad · 08/02/2025 10:14

Naunet
"OP please ignore these disgusting males who see nothing wrong with coercing a woman into sex."

In what way is it coercing a woman into sex?
We all understand that there are days where you just don't feel like it, but if the idea of sex with your DH is so repulsive, stop holding onto a relationship you don't want to be in.

You do realise that there are hormones (or the lack thereof) at play here, don't you?
I love my dh to death, and he's the same. Sometimes the idea of sex makes me repulsed - HE doesn't repulse me. I'm 54, and honestly so over it.

Ooral · 08/02/2025 14:12

Don't be surprised when you catch him wanking / looking at porn / humping his secretary.

Get to the bottom of why you don't want too and talk to him about that, or expect the above. (Yes I know, he would never look at OF / porn etc)

JHound · 08/02/2025 14:14

arethereanyleftatall · 07/02/2025 23:54

If logistics and finances allow it, and this isn't a temporary but rather a permanent feeling - then come join us singles, I thoroughly recommend.

There are downsides to being single but never having to have sex I don’t want to have (with zero guilt) is a big plus for me!

CaroIus · 08/02/2025 14:14

Mittens67 · 08/02/2025 11:37

This for me sums up a major difference between men and women.
Men will enjoy sex in any capacity. The fact that a woman does not want to makes no difference, and of course in some cases even more of a male turn on.
All they need is a fleshy hole.
Your husband doesn’t care about your mind or your feelings. All he cares about is access to the hole.

You’ve clearly been with awful men.

I’ve never once experienced this.

JHound · 08/02/2025 14:16

notanotherdad · 08/02/2025 01:13

Oh men are the worst, wanting to be intimate with his wife. What a bad guy, I'm with all the other women who deny their husbands any intimacy. How dare they wish for any of that. When sex is only for kids and pre marriage!!

But I'll ask you this, If you don't want to have sex with your husband, would you consider letting him having sex with other people? That way it takes that task away from you and he might even be less grumpy.

If not, why don't you just let him free and he can find someone that wants to sleep with him? Why waste years of your life and his, because if you feel this way about sex with your husband, there must be other things you are not happy with. So save everyone's time and just end the relationship.

If you don't want to do that because you like your lifestyle and other areas are met, let him sleep with someone who wants to. But that won't happen, because you may lose the control in the relationship and possibly deep down you enjoy saying no, to what some may consider a key part of a relationship.

Pleas tell me how I'm wrong and men need to do more housework or try harder. Yet deep down you know that you are not being honest. He could do all the housework and met all your other needs, but you just don't feel like sex anymore. It could be self confidence, you may not fancy him anymore or you have more fun on your own. But be honest, stop wasting your life and his being in a sexless or near sexless relationship.

“Deny their husbands intimacy”.

YIKES dude…..

CaroIus · 08/02/2025 14:16

Ooral · 08/02/2025 14:12

Don't be surprised when you catch him wanking / looking at porn / humping his secretary.

Get to the bottom of why you don't want too and talk to him about that, or expect the above. (Yes I know, he would never look at OF / porn etc)

Lord but the emotional men are really flocking to this thread, aren’t they?

JHound · 08/02/2025 14:18

notanotherdad · 08/02/2025 01:13

Oh men are the worst, wanting to be intimate with his wife. What a bad guy, I'm with all the other women who deny their husbands any intimacy. How dare they wish for any of that. When sex is only for kids and pre marriage!!

But I'll ask you this, If you don't want to have sex with your husband, would you consider letting him having sex with other people? That way it takes that task away from you and he might even be less grumpy.

If not, why don't you just let him free and he can find someone that wants to sleep with him? Why waste years of your life and his, because if you feel this way about sex with your husband, there must be other things you are not happy with. So save everyone's time and just end the relationship.

If you don't want to do that because you like your lifestyle and other areas are met, let him sleep with someone who wants to. But that won't happen, because you may lose the control in the relationship and possibly deep down you enjoy saying no, to what some may consider a key part of a relationship.

Pleas tell me how I'm wrong and men need to do more housework or try harder. Yet deep down you know that you are not being honest. He could do all the housework and met all your other needs, but you just don't feel like sex anymore. It could be self confidence, you may not fancy him anymore or you have more fun on your own. But be honest, stop wasting your life and his being in a sexless or near sexless relationship.

I also don’t understand why she needs to “free him”.

Can’s he be the one to float the idea of an open marriage or be the to choose to end the marriage.

Why does she need to do those actions on his behalf? Do men not have agency?

arethereanyleftatall · 08/02/2025 14:19

avm · 08/02/2025 10:18

I was recently talking to my H about being on a fitness journey/ wanting to do some tweakments, as I think if I felt better about my body, I would be more inclined to be more up for things. Since having kids, I've struggled a lot.

His answer was that I better put out and he should be the one to enjoy more time with me and not other men, otherwise- what's the point of trying to better myself.

This comment really pissed me off. Like he has ownership of my body somehow.

I'm not doing it for other men. I'm doing it FOR ME. I'm not even doing it for my husband. I just want to feel more comfortable in my own skin again. A positive side effect MIGHT be that sex might be more enjoyable for me.

This comment is repulsive op. It's a far worse update that your op.

Why don't you leave him?

JHound · 08/02/2025 14:20

RogueFemale · 08/02/2025 01:32

@notanotherdad A lot of men deeply fear and avoid intimacy. Sexual intercourse isn't intimacy. It can just be a cold hard fuck.

Most women want and yearn for intimacy. Real emotional intimacy and closeness. But if they don't get it from their partner, it may end up turning them off sexually.

Everything you say suggests that you don't understand this basic truth.

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I have seen this said frequently that for me the sexual intimacy starts and stops in the bedroom - but for women to be ready in the bedroom it starts long before that.

JHound · 08/02/2025 14:21

thicklysettled · 08/02/2025 02:04

I agree with you, @Valid8me. There's a world of difference - a chasm - between marital rape and the reasonable notion that someone might expect their spouse to want to have sex with them.

I guess I'm the OP's husband in my scenario. My husband has no interest in sex with me and it is absolutely soul-destroying. I feel completely rejected and unlovable. It may well be that OP's husband is an absolute prick all together, but his grumpiness resulting from his spouse withholding sex is neither unexpected or unattractive.

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The grumpiness is definitely unattractive even if to be expected.

JHound · 08/02/2025 14:23

thicklysettled · 08/02/2025 02:05

My goodness, I agree either with EVERY SINGLE WORD of this.

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Why would you need your husband to release you / suggest an open relationship.

Why can’t you do those things yourself?