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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I just don't want to have sex tonight

165 replies

avm · 07/02/2025 21:39

EuGH my Husband is going to come and make it clear he wants sex tonight and I'm dreading it already.

I just don't want to. He'll spend ages trying to convince me to and possibly get annoyed if I don't do it.

We've been having sex once a week and I think it should be fine to say no without all the hassle ?

I'm so sick of the hassle that saying no causes.

Also he's a grumpy bastard anyway. Sometimes I do it, to see if he'll be less grumpy, but he's still grumpy.

OP posts:
JacquesHarlow · 08/02/2025 06:04

notanotherdad · 08/02/2025 01:13

Oh men are the worst, wanting to be intimate with his wife. What a bad guy, I'm with all the other women who deny their husbands any intimacy. How dare they wish for any of that. When sex is only for kids and pre marriage!!

But I'll ask you this, If you don't want to have sex with your husband, would you consider letting him having sex with other people? That way it takes that task away from you and he might even be less grumpy.

If not, why don't you just let him free and he can find someone that wants to sleep with him? Why waste years of your life and his, because if you feel this way about sex with your husband, there must be other things you are not happy with. So save everyone's time and just end the relationship.

If you don't want to do that because you like your lifestyle and other areas are met, let him sleep with someone who wants to. But that won't happen, because you may lose the control in the relationship and possibly deep down you enjoy saying no, to what some may consider a key part of a relationship.

Pleas tell me how I'm wrong and men need to do more housework or try harder. Yet deep down you know that you are not being honest. He could do all the housework and met all your other needs, but you just don't feel like sex anymore. It could be self confidence, you may not fancy him anymore or you have more fun on your own. But be honest, stop wasting your life and his being in a sexless or near sexless relationship.

Brilliant post and agree with every word.

The key part is the last paragraph -

Have you (like many women on Mumsnet) gone off sex completely OP, and it doesn’t really matter how your DH is as a person, you just don’t want it?

I mean you started your whole post with “Eugh my husband wants sex”..

Can you see perhaps that this could be a real problem for you down the line , if he continues to want it in your relationship and you don’t?

JustMyView13 · 08/02/2025 06:05

Sometimes I do it, to see if he'll be less grumpy, but he's still grumpy.

It’s ok to say no. No is a whole sentence.

However communication is the key to a happy and successful marriage. If you’re not giving him a reason why, or a timeline for when, you may inadvertently be playing into an insecurity. And if he’s sensing a reluctance when you do say yes, he may be convincing himself more on that insecurity if he’s picking up on it. If it’s a you reason, make that clear.

Nothatgingerpirate · 08/02/2025 06:25

JMSA · 07/02/2025 22:25

Why don't so many men get it? Sad

Oh, by get it, I mean understand. I don't mean why don't they get sex!? Shock

Like if they changed tack, and really made the effort to be a great partner, it MIGHT change the outcome in so many cases.

Ah, fuck them all!
Not literally.
🤢

Namechangednorth · 08/02/2025 06:32

User56785 · 07/02/2025 22:02

No, you shouldn't be having sex when you don't want to.

It doesn't sound like you are enjoying your marriage at all.

This! Bigger issues here definately as the resentment isn’t good

Pussycat22 · 08/02/2025 06:38

Quinlan · 07/02/2025 21:56

There is just so much wrong with this post. A total lack of thought, empathy, common sense. You do see a lot of really stupid posts on mumsnet and comments which totally miss the point or just show such a lack of judgement but i’m still astounded every time I see something so stupid.

Show quote history

Not everybody has your superior intellect.

Movingonup313 · 08/02/2025 07:41

As many have said, you don't ever have to have sex. Speak to each other and explore your reasons why. I know a lovely couple who clearly love, adore, trust and respect each other. She lost interest in sex after child birth. Libido went. It never returned. 10 years later they are still very much in love - everything else is there. He has never pressured her. They worked through it. It might not be for everyone to have an intimacy-void r.ship but it can work. I'd say say speak to him, maybe therapy will help you both. He sounds immature and disrespectful. I hope you are okay.

Pussycat22 · 08/02/2025 09:14

Nothatgingerpirate · 08/02/2025 06:25

Ah, fuck them all!
Not literally.
🤢

Show quote history

Yeah the bloke being a git is a total turn on!!!

MightyGoldBear · 08/02/2025 09:37

This isn't a relationship issue. This is an entitlement issue that your partner ideally needs to do some individual work with a therapist with. Not any bog standard therapist.

No grown adult should be sulking over anything. It is particularly abusive if its sulking over sex. (Completely different to dissappintment and constructively expressing or talking about issues with empathy and compassion for a partner.)

Nessastats · 08/02/2025 09:38

MonickerMonica · 07/02/2025 21:58

So you "let him" have.... grumpy sex? Bloody hell. Sounds like you don't fancy or desire him much if at all. That's sad and makes me wonder why you are with him. 😕

Well the only sad thing about that is that her husband is more than happy to have sex on someone who doesn't want to. There's a word for that.

Nessastats · 08/02/2025 09:39

JustMyView13 · 08/02/2025 06:05

Sometimes I do it, to see if he'll be less grumpy, but he's still grumpy.

It’s ok to say no. No is a whole sentence.

However communication is the key to a happy and successful marriage. If you’re not giving him a reason why, or a timeline for when, you may inadvertently be playing into an insecurity. And if he’s sensing a reluctance when you do say yes, he may be convincing himself more on that insecurity if he’s picking up on it. If it’s a you reason, make that clear.

If no is a whole sentence why does she need to "communicate" a reason or give a time when she will be willing to have sex?

Nessastats · 08/02/2025 09:42

notanotherdad · 08/02/2025 01:13

Oh men are the worst, wanting to be intimate with his wife. What a bad guy, I'm with all the other women who deny their husbands any intimacy. How dare they wish for any of that. When sex is only for kids and pre marriage!!

But I'll ask you this, If you don't want to have sex with your husband, would you consider letting him having sex with other people? That way it takes that task away from you and he might even be less grumpy.

If not, why don't you just let him free and he can find someone that wants to sleep with him? Why waste years of your life and his, because if you feel this way about sex with your husband, there must be other things you are not happy with. So save everyone's time and just end the relationship.

If you don't want to do that because you like your lifestyle and other areas are met, let him sleep with someone who wants to. But that won't happen, because you may lose the control in the relationship and possibly deep down you enjoy saying no, to what some may consider a key part of a relationship.

Pleas tell me how I'm wrong and men need to do more housework or try harder. Yet deep down you know that you are not being honest. He could do all the housework and met all your other needs, but you just don't feel like sex anymore. It could be self confidence, you may not fancy him anymore or you have more fun on your own. But be honest, stop wasting your life and his being in a sexless or near sexless relationship.

Oh god yeah , grumpy men are just SUCH a turn on. Op, how come you're not falling over yourself to worship his mighty cock?

Newfoundzestforlife · 08/02/2025 09:44

My partner used to be the same, he used to sulk like a toddler who didn't get sweets if I didn't want it!
Now he's reached his mid 40s and his testosterone levels have plummeted so I get left alone.

notanotherdad · 08/02/2025 09:50

Roguefemale
"A lot of men deeply fear and avoid intimacy. Sexual intercourse isn't intimacy. It can just be a cold hard fuck.

Most women want and yearn for intimacy. Real emotional intimacy and closeness. But if they don't get it from their partner, it may end up turning them off sexually.

Everything you say suggests that you don't understand this basic truth."

There is some truth in men fearing talking to their partners about being intimate, that's because they have been told no that often. This in turn eats away at their self esteem and when it gets to the point and they try to raise the subject, they are judged as being rude or only after sex. Understandably some men may raise this topic in a poor fashion.

I completely understand that women are craving intimacy and closeness, but how many women push their husbands away when they try and cuddle you when you're doing something? If they do do you respond with "get off" or "you're only after one thing"
If so once again you are reinforcing that you do not want him to touch you. Then when you feel that the time is right and you'd like to cuddle or hold hands, you are shocked when he will not initiate.

On mumsnet, I find that men are the enemy and only after one thing, but women are not challenged on their own behaviours towards their husbands.
Same as before, honestly think back to all the times your DH has tried to touch you (not just sexually) and you've pushed him away. Has this made him more or less likely to approach you with a loving embrace or holding your hand?

It's simply behaviour training, if you are constantly saying "do not touch" you train him to avoid you, because he knows that if he tries he maybe met with anger and frustration. Ultimately leading to your resentment that he is not giving you the intimacy you want.

Naunet · 08/02/2025 10:07

thicklysettled · 08/02/2025 02:05

My goodness, I agree either with EVERY SINGLE WORD of this.

Show quote history

OP please ignore these disgusting males who see nothing wrong with coercing a woman into sex.

Naunet · 08/02/2025 10:12

notanotherdad · 08/02/2025 09:50

Roguefemale
"A lot of men deeply fear and avoid intimacy. Sexual intercourse isn't intimacy. It can just be a cold hard fuck.

Most women want and yearn for intimacy. Real emotional intimacy and closeness. But if they don't get it from their partner, it may end up turning them off sexually.

Everything you say suggests that you don't understand this basic truth."

There is some truth in men fearing talking to their partners about being intimate, that's because they have been told no that often. This in turn eats away at their self esteem and when it gets to the point and they try to raise the subject, they are judged as being rude or only after sex. Understandably some men may raise this topic in a poor fashion.

I completely understand that women are craving intimacy and closeness, but how many women push their husbands away when they try and cuddle you when you're doing something? If they do do you respond with "get off" or "you're only after one thing"
If so once again you are reinforcing that you do not want him to touch you. Then when you feel that the time is right and you'd like to cuddle or hold hands, you are shocked when he will not initiate.

On mumsnet, I find that men are the enemy and only after one thing, but women are not challenged on their own behaviours towards their husbands.
Same as before, honestly think back to all the times your DH has tried to touch you (not just sexually) and you've pushed him away. Has this made him more or less likely to approach you with a loving embrace or holding your hand?

It's simply behaviour training, if you are constantly saying "do not touch" you train him to avoid you, because he knows that if he tries he maybe met with anger and frustration. Ultimately leading to your resentment that he is not giving you the intimacy you want.

Coercive sex is NOT OK and will kill any woman's sex drive. How dare act as if his behavior is OK here? A wife is not a service bot for your dick.

Original poster
avm · 08/02/2025 10:14

Does a husband own a wife's body ?

OP posts:
notanotherdad · 08/02/2025 10:14

Naunet
"OP please ignore these disgusting males who see nothing wrong with coercing a woman into sex."

In what way is it coercing a woman into sex?
We all understand that there are days where you just don't feel like it, but if the idea of sex with your DH is so repulsive, stop holding onto a relationship you don't want to be in.

Haroldwilson · 08/02/2025 10:16

Why is it tonight in particular
Why is it once a week
What is the hassle if you say no

It sounds like you don't communicate very well or have much rapport. Very transactional. Of course you shouldn't have sex you don't want, but the problems are probably not limited to that.

Original poster
avm · 08/02/2025 10:18

I was recently talking to my H about being on a fitness journey/ wanting to do some tweakments, as I think if I felt better about my body, I would be more inclined to be more up for things. Since having kids, I've struggled a lot.

His answer was that I better put out and he should be the one to enjoy more time with me and not other men, otherwise- what's the point of trying to better myself.

This comment really pissed me off. Like he has ownership of my body somehow.

I'm not doing it for other men. I'm doing it FOR ME. I'm not even doing it for my husband. I just want to feel more comfortable in my own skin again. A positive side effect MIGHT be that sex might be more enjoyable for me.

OP posts:
Naunet · 08/02/2025 10:22

notanotherdad · 08/02/2025 10:14

Naunet
"OP please ignore these disgusting males who see nothing wrong with coercing a woman into sex."

In what way is it coercing a woman into sex?
We all understand that there are days where you just don't feel like it, but if the idea of sex with your DH is so repulsive, stop holding onto a relationship you don't want to be in.

Right so you don't even understand what coercion is, but you think you can lecture us on sex? Jesus christ.

Naunet · 08/02/2025 10:25

avm · 08/02/2025 10:18

I was recently talking to my H about being on a fitness journey/ wanting to do some tweakments, as I think if I felt better about my body, I would be more inclined to be more up for things. Since having kids, I've struggled a lot.

His answer was that I better put out and he should be the one to enjoy more time with me and not other men, otherwise- what's the point of trying to better myself.

This comment really pissed me off. Like he has ownership of my body somehow.

I'm not doing it for other men. I'm doing it FOR ME. I'm not even doing it for my husband. I just want to feel more comfortable in my own skin again. A positive side effect MIGHT be that sex might be more enjoyable for me.

Yeah he has an absolutely repulsive view of sex and an entitlement to you. Do you really want to be with this man? He's not treating you with love and care and respect, but like an appliance that exists to service him.

Original poster
avm · 08/02/2025 10:31

@Naunet glad it wasn't just me who didn't enjoy that comment at all.

OP posts:
curious79 · 08/02/2025 10:32

you need to be open about the fact his grumpiness is a major turn off and that if he wants sex tonight he needs to look after the few days leading up to it

TenerifeElevenerife · 08/02/2025 10:35

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

couchparsnip · 08/02/2025 10:37

Your latest update actually pissed me off too! That's an awful point of view. He feels entitled to sex with you and tells you 'you better put out'. That sounds like a threat. Have you ever been able to say no and have him listen? What would happen if you said no and meant it?

He needs a major attitude adjustment.