I just don't want to have sex tonight

[avm]

EuGH my Husband is going to come and make it clear he wants sex tonight and I'm dreading it already.

I just don't want to. He'll spend ages trying to convince me to and possibly get annoyed if I don't do it.

We've been having sex once a week and I think it should be fine to say no without all the hassle ?

I'm so sick of the hassle that saying no causes.

Also he's a grumpy bastard anyway. Sometimes I do it, to see if he'll be less grumpy, but he's still grumpy.

Not wanting to is valid enough. She doesn’t want to nothing else matters

This is the reason I left my last boyfriend. I couldn't be arsed with sex due to menopause and basically ended up just doing it anyway to keep the peace.

Eventually I thought no I'm not up for this ant more it's uncomfortable and I'm not in the mood, told him and got the grumps from him. Pathetic.

Who needs an entitled man telling them what they expect from you. That their 'needs' trump your wishes in this matter. Pathetic men and their pathetic sausages.

I feel a lot better single!

Fair and right to say NO.

Husband should accept it and say that he is disappointed and sad, without being grumpy towards you.

If you are saying NO a lot over many weeks and your sex life is not good it might be time to focus on why?
Do you cherish a healthy intimate realtionship with your husband long term?
Do you need to spend more quality time with your husband?
Do you need more time to yourself to recharge your energy and delight in life?

A good enjoyable sex life should be sustainable. It is important that you both prioritise time and energy for sex for a long term happy marriage.
It is also more important that you treat each other with respect - respectful language, listening, touch and communication.

Why are you together?

As Paloma Faith said recently (when asked what turned her on):

"People that understand that foreplay is more about what you talk about in a whole day and how you treat each other in a whole day."

She’s 💯 correct!!

Of course no one should have sex they don't want.
It is also valid to ask why don't you want to have sex?
What is going on in the relationship? Sex is a normal and healthy part of most relationships and if one person isn't feeling it, then that deserves exploring. And not when either person is feeling grumpy from refusal or grumpy from feeling put upon.

I once had an ex like your husband i couldnt stand it in the end and kicked him out.
I think when sex becomes a chore its not sex its just another job on the list i dont want to do.
Tbh id rather clean up than do it.
Thankfully im single and its staying that way.

The current situation sounds horribly off putting and borderline coercive so I don’t blame you for shuddering at the thought.

But are you attracted to him? Did you enjoy sex with him in the past?

"I don't want to" is a completely valid reason. Sometimes you just don't fucking want to, man or woman, married or single, young or old "I don't want to" needs absolutely no further explanation.

Do you like him? Do you enjoy being married to him?

I agree.
Is this a one off OP? Is it a phase? Do you think your feelings towards your husband have changed completely?
It’s a valid question that she needs to really consider.

No is a valid answer but why not is a valid question?

Cant be asked? Too tired? Dont fancy him anymore? All valid reasons

If a woman came on here and said my husband said no to having sex without a reason then the first thing that everyone here assumes is hes having an affair.

Sounds like a totally shit relationship.

I think @valid8me is trying to understand if there are other maritial issues going on causing it, I dont think its very fair the way other posters are reacting. It sounds like OP doesn't want to at all and even once a week is too much which in respect of OP that is of course her choice. But has it always been like this? Has something changed if he was not as grumpy and perhaps did something that makes her happy and gives her joy would she be then more inclined? Sex is only one part of a relationship but it sounds as though there are wider issues. Of course sex should never be a chore and you should never feel as though you have to do it just to please a partner but its always important to look at the bigger picture to see why perhaps OP isnt sounding happy in her relationship with this grumpy man.

Sometimes I can't be arsed having sex. I'm tired and want to sleep.

Doesn't mean to say I don't fancy my husband. I don't understand this expectation that you should always want sex. Sometimes I'd rather sleep. Is that so bad?

My exH was the same. For years. Never helped with anything around the house or child related, was messy and grumpy, and expected me to want to have sex with him every evening he was at home (he worked away in the week). If I didn’t want to or spent too long sorting things out before going to bed, he would be livid: silent treatment and foul tempered the next day. He ruined trips away because I didn’t want to spend the day in bed with him. He made my skin crawl and he was right, I didn’t want to sleep with him.

I’ve realised since leaving him that it is a horrible form of control and he will never change. What you’re dealing with is not okay. You have a choice. Mine said it’s literally the husband’s right to have sex with his wife when he wants (and that you can’t rape your own wife but that’s another story!). Life is so much better without him! Good luck

Agreed. I suspect sex is far from the only issue in this relationship.

I’m not defending the husband because he clearly shouldn’t be getting angry if he doesn’t get sex or trying to coerce the OP into it. He sounds vile.

But this is clearly way more than than mismatched libidos and it’s a valid and important question to ask why the OP is so completely repulsed at the mere thought of sex with her husband. This level of revulsion is clearly not just a case of a lower sex drive than her partner; there’s something much deeper going on.

Of course. That’s normal.

But the whole tone and wording of the OP’s post doesn’t really point to a ‘Sorry love, just a bit knackered tonight’ situation. She sounds frightened at the very thought that he might suggest it and says he’ll be angry if she says no. There’s a lot going on.

TheJinxMinx thank you, that's exactly what I was trying to get at - clearly not very well.

Most people will want to have sex with their partners SOME of the time, not ALL.

If you are in a loving relationship, you might say yes, when you're a little unsure but know you'll get into it or perhaps you say no and your partner understands. Maybe another day. Your relationship and sense of closeness ebbs and flows but is broadly consistent over time. You are both working together and respectful.

Being in a grumpy coercive relationship will make it impossible to find a middle ground. There will be no give and take, no working together. Every proposition has huge consequences whether you agree or not. Physical or emotional discomfort, perhaps both follows. The stakes are high and you'd rather not play the game at all but you have to decide which is worst in that moment and peace is temporary before it starts again.

Just be glad you both still have the opportunity. Life can take.a cruel turn and this will never be an option again for me and my partner. You don't know what you had until it has gone.

Oh wow a sulky and grumpy man is soooooo attractive OP, how could you possibly keep your hands off him? Good grief, that behaviour would make my vagina clamp shut forever. Coercing someone into sex is bordering on rape imo. YADNBU.

She’s probably repulsed because he’s coercive, controlling, sulky and grumpy. All of those are pretty repulsive in my book.

This.

I was in a relationship where it was easier to just let him than say no and not be allowed to sleep as he would shout and swear, slam doors, turn on all of the lights, take my duvet away, wake the baby.

It wasn't until I did the freedom programme that I had the light bulb moment of this is coercive and actually assault and is not normal or right behaviour xx

Grumpy men give me the ick, it’s such a massive turn off.