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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For stopping a man taking his daughter in swimming pool changing room?

931 replies

Anotsolittlemermaid · 06/02/2025 23:58

I am a regular user but changed name for this as I’ve spoken to a few people about it so it could be outing. I apologise it’s quite a long post but couldn’t cut it much shorter as context is needed.

I have a monthly subscription to a gym with a swimming pool that’s part of a hotel, on a Wednesday there is women’s aqua aerobics from 7-8 then adult only time from 8pm till 10pm.

Yesterday evening I got to the pool at about 8.15 after aqua aerobics and there was a man who was just arriving at the pool with his young daughter who was about 4/5.

He was being quite annoying letting her disrupt people by jumping in where people were swimming, getting in the path of other swimmers, throwing floats used for aqua across the pool and he was picking her up and throwing her.
The little girl was shrieking and screaming and a few people gave annoyed looks over at him but he carried on getting in everyone’s way.

In the end after about 20 minutes a member of staff came over and asked the man to leave the pool as children’s hours had finished, he argued a bit saying he was trying to tire his daughter out so she would sleep but the staff member was firm and said there had been two sessions of children’s hours for 2 hours at a time earlier in the day that he had been welcome to use but people who wanted to swim properly deliberately avoided them and came later.

The women’s changing room was still busy after aqua and it was mostly women swimming in the pool who had stayed after aqua to continue swimming. The changing rooms are right next to the pool so you can hear when people are in them. The men’s seemed empty but the man and his daughter were also hotel guests so he could have wrapped a towel around her and gone back to the room. He had towels and a hotel robe for himself with him.

When he got out of the pool he put the robe on but took his daughter by the hand and walked towards the women’s changing room obviously intending to go in.

The changing room is open plan with only one cubicle, it had 8 showers, 4 are in cubicles but the other 4 are open, when I had undressed before swimming the changing room had been busy with lots of women using the showers and changing after aqua, there were obviously a few women still in there as I could hear chatting and the hairdryer going.

I had been swimming lengths at the edge of the pool opposite the changing room entrance so when I saw him heading to the women’s I called out to him “sorry but that’s the ladies and it’s busy, you can take your daughter to the men’s I’m sure it’s empty or can you not just put your towel around her and go to your room?”

The man glared at me and said he wasn’t taking his daughter into a room where men might be undressing and he had taken her into changing rooms before where no one had ever had a problem.

I said it was more likely they did have a problem but didn’t feel comfortable saying so, I was getting angry at this point so I said I’d go and get the member of staff to see what he said.

The man obviously knew the staff member wasn’t going to approve this and started ranting about how awful it was that first his daughter had been asked to leave the pool and now he couldn’t even get her dry and dressed again because of busy bodies sticking their oar in. Another women who was swimming and had overheard backed me up that it was completely inappropriate and no one over 8 is allowed in the opposite sex changing room. The man wasn’t happy but wrapped his daughter in the towel and took her his hotel room as I’d suggested. As he was wearing the robe I have no idea if he had planned to use the women’s changing room to shower and get changed himself or not.

I hate confrontation but the other women thanked me for saying something, I spoke to the staff member when I’d finished my swim and he agreed that the man should have used the men’s changing room where there was a free cubicle. He said he’d been cheeky enough bringing his daughter during adult hours when he’d been told earlier he wouldn’t be allowed when he’d asked about it.

I assumed most people would agree with me but my friend said I was completely out of order, she said the little girl was the one who was important and it was much safer and more appropriate for her to get changed in the ladies, she said most mums would be understanding about a father bringing his daughter in and could have got changed under a towel, when I mentioned he had also been in the pool and was possibly planning on getting undressed himself she said “well no one has to look if they don’t want to”
I didn’t want to keep discussing it with her as we had argued before years ago about her bringing her 11 year old son and nephews into ladies changing rooms and I realised she was the wrong person to mention it to.

I also mentioned it to DP and he said that I was right to stop the man going in the ladies but he equally feels uncomfortable when men bring their daughters in, he also swims and said the previous week a little girl had been running naked round the changing room whilst her dad was looking at his phone and he would never allow his daughter to do that as you just don’t know what other men are thinking.

There are no family changing rooms as it’s not really a kids pool with it being attached to a gym and it’s mainly set up for members comfort. The majority of people who bring kids are hotel guests who have rooms.

I don’t feel IABU really but after hearing my friend and DP’s opinion I just wondered what others thought about it. Was I wrong to suggest the man takes his daughter into the men’s changing room? On this occasion a cubicle was free but if it hadn’t been then do some people really think that women should be expected to get showered and undressed in front of a man when he could take her into the mens changing room?
I’m just interested in others thoughts.

There is also a disabled changing room but only one and in my opinion it’s wrong to take that over if you don’t have a disability.

OP posts:
NovemberMorn · 07/02/2025 17:05

A disabled changing room is for the disabled, but personally it would not bother me if a man nipped in to change his daughter, providing there was no one else waiting and he was very quick.
I am registered disabled by the way.

Icanttakethisanymore · 07/02/2025 17:08

OverpricedCupcake · 07/02/2025 16:07

Correct, no reasonable adult male would...

Show quote history

I am just imagining a situation where my DP (or any other man I know for that matter) would think it's ok to swan into the female changing room.....I can absolutely guarantee that would never happen in a million years!

Samcro · 07/02/2025 17:10

NovemberMorn · 07/02/2025 17:05

A disabled changing room is for the disabled, but personally it would not bother me if a man nipped in to change his daughter, providing there was no one else waiting and he was very quick.
I am registered disabled by the way.

It would bother me if my disabled dc had to get cold waiting for an able bodied person.
there are normally only one disabled changing room. Able bodied people already have some where to change.

OverpricedCupcake · 07/02/2025 17:11

NovemberMorn · 07/02/2025 17:05

A disabled changing room is for the disabled, but personally it would not bother me if a man nipped in to change his daughter, providing there was no one else waiting and he was very quick.
I am registered disabled by the way.

I do mind and consent is not transferable.

NovemberMorn · 07/02/2025 17:13

OverpricedCupcake · 07/02/2025 17:11

I do mind and consent is not transferable.

Show quote history

I am just giving my opinion, as you are giving yours.

Tapofthemorning · 07/02/2025 17:16

NovemberMorn · 07/02/2025 17:05

A disabled changing room is for the disabled, but personally it would not bother me if a man nipped in to change his daughter, providing there was no one else waiting and he was very quick.
I am registered disabled by the way.

That's fair that it wouldn't bother you, and I respect your opinion. But the choices of so many people to "just use the disabled XXX" infuriates me. Disabled people are - on balance - treated terribly. SEN provisions are poor, unemployment is disproportionately high, benefits (already low) are going to be slashed further. There's a rhetoric perpetuated - and brought into - that disabled people are lazy. So "just nipping into" their hard won facilities is diluting their rights further. It might seem small, but you've got to fight.

NovemberMorn · 07/02/2025 17:22

Tapofthemorning · 07/02/2025 17:16

That's fair that it wouldn't bother you, and I respect your opinion. But the choices of so many people to "just use the disabled XXX" infuriates me. Disabled people are - on balance - treated terribly. SEN provisions are poor, unemployment is disproportionately high, benefits (already low) are going to be slashed further. There's a rhetoric perpetuated - and brought into - that disabled people are lazy. So "just nipping into" their hard won facilities is diluting their rights further. It might seem small, but you've got to fight.

Show quote history

I get as irritated as the next person when an able bodied person glibly uses disabled spaces, car park spaces, disabled toilets etc...but when (in this case) it's a dad with a young child, and his choices are very limited, if there is no one waiting for the disabled changing room, I think it would be the sensible thing to do.

I understand that some would not agree, and I see their side of the argument too.

BottomWibblyWob · 07/02/2025 17:24

NovemberMorn · 07/02/2025 17:22

I get as irritated as the next person when an able bodied person glibly uses disabled spaces, car park spaces, disabled toilets etc...but when (in this case) it's a dad with a young child, and his choices are very limited, if there is no one waiting for the disabled changing room, I think it would be the sensible thing to do.

I understand that some would not agree, and I see their side of the argument too.

Show quote history

But his choices aren’t limited. There’s an actual choice. It even has a little picture on the door to indicate it’s his choice. Why would he go somewhere else?

Also able bodied people need to stay the fuck out of disabled toilets and changing areas

NovemberMorn · 07/02/2025 17:26

BottomWibblyWob · 07/02/2025 17:24

But his choices aren’t limited. There’s an actual choice. It even has a little picture on the door to indicate it’s his choice. Why would he go somewhere else?

Also able bodied people need to stay the fuck out of disabled toilets and changing areas

Show quote history

OK.

Nanny0gg · 07/02/2025 17:29

NovemberMorn · 07/02/2025 13:11

What is your answer?

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He takes her back to their room. Showers her and puts her to bed

NovemberMorn · 07/02/2025 17:33

Nanny0gg · 07/02/2025 17:29

He takes her back to their room. Showers her and puts her to bed

Show quote history

That's one answer.

Maybe he should have thought more about the care of her afterwards, before he actually took her.

ProfessionalPirate · 07/02/2025 17:35

Tapofthemorning · 07/02/2025 17:16

That's fair that it wouldn't bother you, and I respect your opinion. But the choices of so many people to "just use the disabled XXX" infuriates me. Disabled people are - on balance - treated terribly. SEN provisions are poor, unemployment is disproportionately high, benefits (already low) are going to be slashed further. There's a rhetoric perpetuated - and brought into - that disabled people are lazy. So "just nipping into" their hard won facilities is diluting their rights further. It might seem small, but you've got to fight.

Show quote history

I do sympathise, and if it were a case of, say, some entitled fuck using the disabled changing room because the usual ones are busy and they can’t be arsed to wait, I’d say no way! But in the case of a father wanting to change his daughter and there being no appropriate alternative, and assuming that it’s quiet and the disabled room has been lying empty for some time, it seems a bit…unnecessary? To stop them.

My own gym has a combined disabled and family changing room - so arguably we families all do what the pp is suggesting, except the gym has officially sanctioned it.

Admittedly I’m not disabled though, so I’m not entitled to a vote, and it’s not something I would do myself.

selffellatingouroborosofhate · 07/02/2025 17:38

TheignT · 07/02/2025 12:18

The adult men might have been uncomfortable with a curious little girl studying their bodies.

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Yeah, but there's zero chance of her raping them because of her being four and female and with her dad, so a little discomfort at "daddy, why do you and the other men have pipes between your legs?" is the worst thing the adult men face.

NovemberMorn · 07/02/2025 17:47

Would everyone in a changing room filled with bare arsed men be happy if a woman barged in to change her son?
Even if she could stomach it, I doubt many men would be happy.

Ooral · 07/02/2025 17:55

Utter tool of a man, and I am one. No one, male or female with any sense is going to disagree op

Emptyandsad · 07/02/2025 18:01

There are no situations in which it is appropriate for an adult man to go into a female changing room.

As a father, I took my daughter happily into men's changing rooms until she was old enough to go into the women's changing rooms by herself. I was with her and so didn't need to worry about random paedophiles trying to interfere with her or leer at her. She was never bothered by there being naked men around because she was a young child and didn't really notice. If you don't make a fuss about nudity, then kids don't either - until they're old enough to go and change on their own

I was once in the men's changing rooms (on my own) getting changed after a swim when a woman appeared at the door; she sent her son, of around 8 or 9, into the men's changing room and then stood in the doorway, holding the door open and watching anxiously as men in various states of undress wandered around. I wasn't overly bothered because, as a man, I obviously dont feel threatened in the way that a woman might but, nevertheless, that's a bit weird. Adults need to be in their own sex's changing rooms

NovemberMorn · 07/02/2025 18:05

Emptyandsad · 07/02/2025 18:01

There are no situations in which it is appropriate for an adult man to go into a female changing room.

As a father, I took my daughter happily into men's changing rooms until she was old enough to go into the women's changing rooms by herself. I was with her and so didn't need to worry about random paedophiles trying to interfere with her or leer at her. She was never bothered by there being naked men around because she was a young child and didn't really notice. If you don't make a fuss about nudity, then kids don't either - until they're old enough to go and change on their own

I was once in the men's changing rooms (on my own) getting changed after a swim when a woman appeared at the door; she sent her son, of around 8 or 9, into the men's changing room and then stood in the doorway, holding the door open and watching anxiously as men in various states of undress wandered around. I wasn't overly bothered because, as a man, I obviously dont feel threatened in the way that a woman might but, nevertheless, that's a bit weird. Adults need to be in their own sex's changing rooms

She sounds as entitled as the man in the OP's posts.

bythere · 07/02/2025 18:56

@InveterateWineDrinker So in that situation where the child's sex change room was used there could be both a man with his young DD in the female change room and a woman with her DD in there as well? But it was only the small children getting changed and never adults I would assume?

ButterCrackers · 07/02/2025 19:01

Where did this man put his and is dd clothes? In the lockers in the women’s changing rooms or in the men’s?

Emptyandsad · 07/02/2025 19:13

NovemberMorn · 07/02/2025 18:05

She sounds as entitled as the man in the OP's posts.

Show quote history

I was taken aback, I have to say. I was naked and drying myself with a towel while she was maybe 3 metres away and staring straight at me. She did look uncomfortable, but she didn't leave and close the door, nor even say anything to me to explain her behaviour. But I was damned if I was going to act like the one in the wrong and scuttle off somewhere; there tend to be naked bodies in changing rooms because their function expects it.

blackandwhitefur · 07/02/2025 19:20

@coolkatt For reference

blackandwhitefur
Where is he supposed to get his daughter changed then?

To all who have responded to this sent very early on in the thread yesterday, my response was to immediately think of the little girl in question. In hindsight I have reflected having seen a lot of great debate on this since. I fully appreciate the argument against it and agree he should think more carefully. Thought I'd say in case anyone else feels the need to respond there is no need - I get the message.

LemonPeonies · 07/02/2025 19:35

selffellatingouroborosofhate · 07/02/2025 17:38

Yeah, but there's zero chance of her raping them because of her being four and female and with her dad, so a little discomfort at "daddy, why do you and the other men have pipes between your legs?" is the worst thing the adult men face.

Show quote history

You honestly think he's just gonna stroll in their with his daughter in tow and rape a room full of women? All the comments about "the dad can protect the daughter ", yeah surely a load of grown women can protect themselves/ their daughters then. Bonkers.

BottomWibblyWob · 07/02/2025 19:44

LemonPeonies · 07/02/2025 19:35

You honestly think he's just gonna stroll in their with his daughter in tow and rape a room full of women? All the comments about "the dad can protect the daughter ", yeah surely a load of grown women can protect themselves/ their daughters then. Bonkers.

Show quote history

So we have to be getting raped before we stand up for our safe spaces?

How many times: That room is not for him. He has his own place to go. What is so difficult to understand?

BottomWibblyWob · 07/02/2025 19:46

blackandwhitefur · 07/02/2025 19:20

@coolkatt For reference

blackandwhitefur
Where is he supposed to get his daughter changed then?

To all who have responded to this sent very early on in the thread yesterday, my response was to immediately think of the little girl in question. In hindsight I have reflected having seen a lot of great debate on this since. I fully appreciate the argument against it and agree he should think more carefully. Thought I'd say in case anyone else feels the need to respond there is no need - I get the message.

Good for you @blackandwhitefur its nice when people learn from a thread!

LemonPeonies · 07/02/2025 19:54

BottomWibblyWob · 07/02/2025 19:46

Good for you @blackandwhitefur its nice when people learn from a thread!

Show quote history

I only started talking about rape in response to the posters comment I was responding to.

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