For stopping a man taking his daughter in swimming pool changing room?

[Anotsolittlemermaid]

I am a regular user but changed name for this as I’ve spoken to a few people about it so it could be outing. I apologise it’s quite a long post but couldn’t cut it much shorter as context is needed.

I have a monthly subscription to a gym with a swimming pool that’s part of a hotel, on a Wednesday there is women’s aqua aerobics from 7-8 then adult only time from 8pm till 10pm.

Yesterday evening I got to the pool at about 8.15 after aqua aerobics and there was a man who was just arriving at the pool with his young daughter who was about 4/5.

He was being quite annoying letting her disrupt people by jumping in where people were swimming, getting in the path of other swimmers, throwing floats used for aqua across the pool and he was picking her up and throwing her.
The little girl was shrieking and screaming and a few people gave annoyed looks over at him but he carried on getting in everyone’s way.

In the end after about 20 minutes a member of staff came over and asked the man to leave the pool as children’s hours had finished, he argued a bit saying he was trying to tire his daughter out so she would sleep but the staff member was firm and said there had been two sessions of children’s hours for 2 hours at a time earlier in the day that he had been welcome to use but people who wanted to swim properly deliberately avoided them and came later.

The women’s changing room was still busy after aqua and it was mostly women swimming in the pool who had stayed after aqua to continue swimming. The changing rooms are right next to the pool so you can hear when people are in them. The men’s seemed empty but the man and his daughter were also hotel guests so he could have wrapped a towel around her and gone back to the room. He had towels and a hotel robe for himself with him.

When he got out of the pool he put the robe on but took his daughter by the hand and walked towards the women’s changing room obviously intending to go in.

The changing room is open plan with only one cubicle, it had 8 showers, 4 are in cubicles but the other 4 are open, when I had undressed before swimming the changing room had been busy with lots of women using the showers and changing after aqua, there were obviously a few women still in there as I could hear chatting and the hairdryer going.

I had been swimming lengths at the edge of the pool opposite the changing room entrance so when I saw him heading to the women’s I called out to him “sorry but that’s the ladies and it’s busy, you can take your daughter to the men’s I’m sure it’s empty or can you not just put your towel around her and go to your room?”

The man glared at me and said he wasn’t taking his daughter into a room where men might be undressing and he had taken her into changing rooms before where no one had ever had a problem.

I said it was more likely they did have a problem but didn’t feel comfortable saying so, I was getting angry at this point so I said I’d go and get the member of staff to see what he said.

The man obviously knew the staff member wasn’t going to approve this and started ranting about how awful it was that first his daughter had been asked to leave the pool and now he couldn’t even get her dry and dressed again because of busy bodies sticking their oar in. Another women who was swimming and had overheard backed me up that it was completely inappropriate and no one over 8 is allowed in the opposite sex changing room. The man wasn’t happy but wrapped his daughter in the towel and took her his hotel room as I’d suggested. As he was wearing the robe I have no idea if he had planned to use the women’s changing room to shower and get changed himself or not.

I hate confrontation but the other women thanked me for saying something, I spoke to the staff member when I’d finished my swim and he agreed that the man should have used the men’s changing room where there was a free cubicle. He said he’d been cheeky enough bringing his daughter during adult hours when he’d been told earlier he wouldn’t be allowed when he’d asked about it.

I assumed most people would agree with me but my friend said I was completely out of order, she said the little girl was the one who was important and it was much safer and more appropriate for her to get changed in the ladies, she said most mums would be understanding about a father bringing his daughter in and could have got changed under a towel, when I mentioned he had also been in the pool and was possibly planning on getting undressed himself she said “well no one has to look if they don’t want to”
I didn’t want to keep discussing it with her as we had argued before years ago about her bringing her 11 year old son and nephews into ladies changing rooms and I realised she was the wrong person to mention it to.

I also mentioned it to DP and he said that I was right to stop the man going in the ladies but he equally feels uncomfortable when men bring their daughters in, he also swims and said the previous week a little girl had been running naked round the changing room whilst her dad was looking at his phone and he would never allow his daughter to do that as you just don’t know what other men are thinking.

There are no family changing rooms as it’s not really a kids pool with it being attached to a gym and it’s mainly set up for members comfort. The majority of people who bring kids are hotel guests who have rooms.

I don’t feel IABU really but after hearing my friend and DP’s opinion I just wondered what others thought about it. Was I wrong to suggest the man takes his daughter into the men’s changing room? On this occasion a cubicle was free but if it hadn’t been then do some people really think that women should be expected to get showered and undressed in front of a man when he could take her into the mens changing room?
I’m just interested in others thoughts.

There is also a disabled changing room but only one and in my opinion it’s wrong to take that over if you don’t have a disability.

The likelihood of there being a person present who gets a kick out of either glimpsing the girl as she changes or ‘accidentally’ exposing himself in some way is I think going to be higher in the men’s changing room vs the women’s.

the OP said the ladies changing facilities were all open plan. If that was the same in the men then I don’t think a young girl should be going in never mind going in to get changed.

it’s a difficult one. I think the disabled changing rooms are the only option.

its the same problem with baby change although at least there are cubicles. Railways stations etc only have baby change in the ladies quite often unless you have a disabled toilet key. My husband was spoken to by an angry lady once for taking my daughter to the toilet in the ladies to change her nappy. There was no other option as there are no facilities in gents. It’s never happened again but it will happen one day and I hope he takes her to the ladies.

personally I hate open plan changing.

The pool I use regularly (NOT a hotel) regularly has boys over 8 in the women's changing room with their mum's.

There are no family changing rooms. There are only 2 cublicles in the female room. Everythign else is open plan (benches / lockers)

I complain regularly. as the rules state over 8s should be using the correct changing room. .

Nothing has changed.

I suspect you have the same risk of accidental exposure in both men's and women's changing rooms. Most people either cover up or don't. A child present is not going up impact on that. Although I suspect men might actually be more likely to cover up in the presence of a child of the opposite sex as they are aware that men are more likely to be seen as predatory.

Wrt to being in the presence of a male getting a kick out of seeing a girl, if you're concerned about that, you really shouldn't bring your child swimming at all as the perverty men are likely to see more of the child in the pool or on deck.

Generally though, you can't control what people think or feel. You are also not affected in any way by what they think or feel so long as there is no articulation of those thoughts or feelings.

My husband would never dream of walking into a women’s changing room with our daughters.

If he has taken them swimming he would have checked to make sure that there was a family changing room or asked where is suitable. Our local pool didn’t so he didn’t take them there.

As a father he wouldn’t want his girls to also have a man in the female changing rooms - now they are old enough to sort themselves out he would like to think they are safe.

Im shocked by the amount of people saying they wouldn’t want their daughter in a room with naked man but the alternative is having a man in the female changing room ?

Also if it is at a time of swimming lesson the male changing room will basically be all boys. Not sure why anyone would think 9 and 11 year old boys can't change around other boys.

Some of the boys will have had their dads changing them but they aren't going to be a risk in that context.

When I put ‘accidental’ in inverted commas I meant an intentional exposure pretending to be accidental, sorry I wasn’t clear. Ie like a flasher. Men are occasionally known to do this for sexual gratification, women less so I think.

I actually agree that genuine accidental exposure probably is more likely in the ladies, and maybe to an innocent child there isn’t much difference between the two. But obviously in my head it would be a big deal.

I think there is a significant difference between a girl in a swimsuit and a girl actually naked. Both to look at but also from her own sense of privacy. Appreciate I haven’t perfected the whole changing under a towel technique so maybe that would change things.

You are right 100% op, I wouldn't want a man in the changing rooms of any place I was in let alone one where I'm likely to be fully naked. He was obviously a self absorbed idiot. In that situation I would definitely just take my child back to the room to get dried and dressed. I can't see how anyone can possibly think it's ok for him to enter a woman's only space where they are in a vulnerable situation.

No tickets involved. The man was a guest at the hotel where the pool was so had free use of the pool. He had already been told earlier in the day that he would not be allowed to take his daughter into the pool in the adult only times but he did it anyway.

not all open plan, there is one cubical. Presumably it’s the same in the men’s.

Yes but you have no idea, particularly if you are a child, whether the exposure is deliberate or not. So in terms of effect, there is no difference.

If you haven't perfected the art of changing your dc under a towel, get a hooded one. They're great. They're also great for dc getting themselves changed if they are self-conscious.

I suspect that gratification from naked vs swimsuit would depend on the predilections of the individual pervert. But again, the child would have no idea of what is going on in others' heads.

I confess I didn't read it all and stopped at the point I read what your friend said. She's ridiculous. I'm all for children being protected but I'm more about adult women being able to shower and dress without an adult male watching them. No one can convince me that a man who acts as he did would not be perving in naked women.

I got that. I was referring to your response to the other poster, the point that you have missed. I don't agree with your opinion but, in any case, in the scenario we are actually discussing, the dad had the option to take his daughter to their own private room to change so his behaviour in trying to barge into a female changing room was even more inappropriate.

I wouldn’t be putting my daughter in a room full of naked men on a presumption. Disabled sounds like the only suitable place

but no way would I want my 5 year old daughter to be naked in front of men or see grown men naked

Would you be happy changing your 5 year old daughter in a changing room if there was a man there?

If you don't want her in the changing room with naked men, then daddy doesn't take her swimming by himself.

The daughter is likely to see many naked men in the mens changing rooms, whereas there are never naked women in the womens as they have cubicles. So better for them to go in the womens.

Pisses me off that several posters have said to use the disabled changing. I have two disabled DS now aged 11 and 9. I would never take them into the women's changing room with me as rightly they are for women Ad young children. But according to some posters it's ok for non disabled people to use what if often the only space we can use.

So I should take my hypothetical little son to the mens changing rooms becasue I dont' want him to see naked ladies?

Sorry but he should be in the mens, the girl can dress herself in the ladies. My kids were dressing themselves at her age.

He did know his daughter wasn’t allowed in the pool. He had asked earlier and been told no. He took her in anyway.

I don't understand how this can happen. You have to sign in as a hotel guest to use the pool. It's a health and safety requirement. You can't just walk in to these places.

I used to belong to a gym/health club which was in a hotel and there were endless problems with guests bringing children in after 8 pm, or whenever, when it was explicitly stated on signs at reception, pool entry etc etc that the pool was adults only after that time.

Unfortunately at that place the staff were absolute wimps about saying no to guests with the result that the entitled parents just got even more so. The club closed down due to falling membership.

I'm not disputing that a naked bloke wandering around is weird, but why - once again - do disabled people come last? This isn't the solution, please don't make it the solution.

Absolutely. It shows how little regard people have for disabled people. Don't worry, I hear you and feel you.

You've completely misinterpreted why I mentioned the staring. Obviously there's nothing threatening about it. But that doesn't make it pleasant.

No as that's for disabled people.

Unfortunately I would need to speak up about this, as it's for DISABLED people.