For stopping a man taking his daughter in swimming pool changing room?

[Anotsolittlemermaid]

I am a regular user but changed name for this as I’ve spoken to a few people about it so it could be outing. I apologise it’s quite a long post but couldn’t cut it much shorter as context is needed.

I have a monthly subscription to a gym with a swimming pool that’s part of a hotel, on a Wednesday there is women’s aqua aerobics from 7-8 then adult only time from 8pm till 10pm.

Yesterday evening I got to the pool at about 8.15 after aqua aerobics and there was a man who was just arriving at the pool with his young daughter who was about 4/5.

He was being quite annoying letting her disrupt people by jumping in where people were swimming, getting in the path of other swimmers, throwing floats used for aqua across the pool and he was picking her up and throwing her.
The little girl was shrieking and screaming and a few people gave annoyed looks over at him but he carried on getting in everyone’s way.

In the end after about 20 minutes a member of staff came over and asked the man to leave the pool as children’s hours had finished, he argued a bit saying he was trying to tire his daughter out so she would sleep but the staff member was firm and said there had been two sessions of children’s hours for 2 hours at a time earlier in the day that he had been welcome to use but people who wanted to swim properly deliberately avoided them and came later.

The women’s changing room was still busy after aqua and it was mostly women swimming in the pool who had stayed after aqua to continue swimming. The changing rooms are right next to the pool so you can hear when people are in them. The men’s seemed empty but the man and his daughter were also hotel guests so he could have wrapped a towel around her and gone back to the room. He had towels and a hotel robe for himself with him.

When he got out of the pool he put the robe on but took his daughter by the hand and walked towards the women’s changing room obviously intending to go in.

The changing room is open plan with only one cubicle, it had 8 showers, 4 are in cubicles but the other 4 are open, when I had undressed before swimming the changing room had been busy with lots of women using the showers and changing after aqua, there were obviously a few women still in there as I could hear chatting and the hairdryer going.

I had been swimming lengths at the edge of the pool opposite the changing room entrance so when I saw him heading to the women’s I called out to him “sorry but that’s the ladies and it’s busy, you can take your daughter to the men’s I’m sure it’s empty or can you not just put your towel around her and go to your room?”

The man glared at me and said he wasn’t taking his daughter into a room where men might be undressing and he had taken her into changing rooms before where no one had ever had a problem.

I said it was more likely they did have a problem but didn’t feel comfortable saying so, I was getting angry at this point so I said I’d go and get the member of staff to see what he said.

The man obviously knew the staff member wasn’t going to approve this and started ranting about how awful it was that first his daughter had been asked to leave the pool and now he couldn’t even get her dry and dressed again because of busy bodies sticking their oar in. Another women who was swimming and had overheard backed me up that it was completely inappropriate and no one over 8 is allowed in the opposite sex changing room. The man wasn’t happy but wrapped his daughter in the towel and took her his hotel room as I’d suggested. As he was wearing the robe I have no idea if he had planned to use the women’s changing room to shower and get changed himself or not.

I hate confrontation but the other women thanked me for saying something, I spoke to the staff member when I’d finished my swim and he agreed that the man should have used the men’s changing room where there was a free cubicle. He said he’d been cheeky enough bringing his daughter during adult hours when he’d been told earlier he wouldn’t be allowed when he’d asked about it.

I assumed most people would agree with me but my friend said I was completely out of order, she said the little girl was the one who was important and it was much safer and more appropriate for her to get changed in the ladies, she said most mums would be understanding about a father bringing his daughter in and could have got changed under a towel, when I mentioned he had also been in the pool and was possibly planning on getting undressed himself she said “well no one has to look if they don’t want to”
I didn’t want to keep discussing it with her as we had argued before years ago about her bringing her 11 year old son and nephews into ladies changing rooms and I realised she was the wrong person to mention it to.

I also mentioned it to DP and he said that I was right to stop the man going in the ladies but he equally feels uncomfortable when men bring their daughters in, he also swims and said the previous week a little girl had been running naked round the changing room whilst her dad was looking at his phone and he would never allow his daughter to do that as you just don’t know what other men are thinking.

There are no family changing rooms as it’s not really a kids pool with it being attached to a gym and it’s mainly set up for members comfort. The majority of people who bring kids are hotel guests who have rooms.

I don’t feel IABU really but after hearing my friend and DP’s opinion I just wondered what others thought about it. Was I wrong to suggest the man takes his daughter into the men’s changing room? On this occasion a cubicle was free but if it hadn’t been then do some people really think that women should be expected to get showered and undressed in front of a man when he could take her into the mens changing room?
I’m just interested in others thoughts.

There is also a disabled changing room but only one and in my opinion it’s wrong to take that over if you don’t have a disability.

You were right to call him out; well done OP. Your friend is an idiot btw.

Get his young daughter naked in a changing room full of naked men?

As opposed forcing an entire changing room full of women to get naked in front of a man?

I don’t know. This is a Victorian pool in inner London so probably not enough room to have individual unisex cubicles as you describe. None of the local council ones near me have those - all communal single sex, with a small family changing room if there’s space.

I still don’t see why women should end up self excluding because of an entitled man.

He takes her to the men's changing room, obviously.

She is there with a male supervising her so she will be fine there.

Thank you for speaking up for all of us!

Exactly this. And girls. He can't know if there are children in there or not so he's happy to put other people's daughters into the same situation he is avoiding putting his own daughter into!

Definitely wrong for an adult man to enter the women's changing rooms

He should have taken her into the gents and you would hope that any decent man getting dressed in there would try to be discreet and not be flashing his bits everywhere.

I remember going into the men's changing rooms with my dad when I was little- going into the ladies wouldn't even have been a consideration!

Given the general gist on Mumsnet is that a girl seeing a naked man in a changing room (need to add, if it's on an terfy thread, it will always be 'a hairy arsed' man) will be intrinsically traumatising, the starting point is never to take a child (of either sex?) into a male changing space. Therefore, YABU if there's no family change.

In my pool there are no cubicles so everyone just showers and changes naked. I would not want a bloke in there.

In the cubicle in the mens or in their room (which makes more sense as he could then get her ready for bed - which was the point of the swimming)

I have 2 sons, I'm female. Under about 8 they went in the women's (in a cubicle) if there's no family changing. After that they sorted themselves out.

No he should not have used the disabled facilities unless he was disabled. And no one being in there doesn’t make it OK - what if a disabled person needed the loo while he was in there?

Men thinking they are entitled to women’s things is not a fuss over nothing.

It isn’t. She doesn’t have more rights to privacy than 10 women. Or 10 other little girls who may be in the women’s changing room. Where they’re supposed to be.

Well no woman should have a man walk in on them when they are naked. He should have gone to the disabled room or to his room.

Of course YANBU. Why do women always have to accommodate these entitled men?? Thank you for speaking out. I know lots of women would be too scared to. We all need to.

Why is it wholly inadequate? Little girls have been doing this for decades when swimming with their dad

Would you take a little boy to get changed in the men’s?

What with this and all the rows over trans people and also my own preference for privacy, I really think public changing rooms and toilets need to move to a model of unisex lockable single units with an attendant and/or security cameras in the access area to ensure safety for everyone.

Father to a 7 year old girl, it's never crossed my mind to try and bring her in to a women's changing room or toilet, no idea how anyone would think that's appropriate. In the same way I wouldn't expect a woman to stride in to the men's with their young son.

Of course he shouldn’t have been going in the female changing rooms. What’s so hard about waiting for her?

@Anotsolittlemermaid I understand your reticence about able bodied people taking over disabled changing rooms but where there are only single sexed changing rooms this was the most appropriate option…or the man could have used his big boy words and asked the men present in the changing room if they would mind covering up whilst he brought his daughter in , not presuming women are the ones who should make the compromise.

No fucking way should an adult man being entering a women’s changing room. That’s it.

I dunno I mean when I was a little girl we always went to the men’s changing room with my dad when we went swimming. Men are parents too I think it’s ridiculous to think that men can’t bring their children into a swimming pool changing room. It’s actually quite sexist thinking that children can only get changed in a women’s changing room. The dad will be there to protect and watch over the little girl in the changing room.

It is really disheartening to see so many posts casually flinging out that he should have used the disabled. No matter how quick you intend to be is not the point it is a protected space exactly the same as the changing facilities they are so rightly protective over.
Obvious answer is he should have used the hotel room.

I am a dad of 2x boys so simply take the lads to the Men’s changing.

Our baths have Women’s, Men’s and family changing all with their own cubicles and separate showers with doors (It is a council facility) We are incredibly lucky to have such a great facility and can’t believe some of the setups on here.

What I do see is same sexed child parent couples using the family changing as its bigger cubicles with a Son and Dad or Daughter and Mum, when they could easily like me use the same sexed changing rooms leaving the family free for mixed sexed chid and parents which is just selfish.

I do get a bit narked when Dads use the Men’s with daughters then give you daggers when my boys both under 8 pop out for a wee whist getting changed or come out of the shower naked when the dads could easily have waited for a family changing room but can’t be bothered.

Men in the Women’s changing in this scenario is bat shit crazy that any women or man would think that is acceptable. In all my years of swimming have never seen a woman in the Men’s changing its just the epitome of male entitlement and I am glad you stood up for yourself and all the other woman.

So you’d be happy for strange men to see you naked?