Aibu to want men to walk in front

[walkthiswayornot]

Hello,

So to cut a long story short, I spend lots of time walking in various rural secluded places with my dog.

I often come across other people walking obviously. Which is clearly fine.

A few times I have felt uncomfortable as a lone woman when I have had men walking behind me. I realise that's my issue and they are entitled to walk and are probably totally innocent but still my heart always skips a beat.

For example this morning very early, just as the sun came up so fairly dark, I was walking in the woods and heard a stick snap behind. Turned around and a man was walking quite close behind me. I made an awkward attempt to move aside saying something about taking a slow walk. However he waited behind so I had to carry on. Eventually I left the path. As it happens I came across two other men at different points but they were in front of me going the opposite way, which felt much safer. I'm sure all 3 men were minding their own business and just living their own lives but I can't help but feel uneasy in certain situations. I wish I was more assertive so I could ask them to please walk in front, it feels less intimidating when they are walking ahead.

Are men conscious that this is an issue? Would you as a man step aside? As a woman would you be able to ask that? Aibu to ask that once I get a back bone?

I've always hated people (anyone) walking behind me so I've stopped walking so they have had to walk on.

PS in parks, outside I mean

I suppose they can’t help being behind you on the path if that’s the direction you’re all going in and they set out later than you did. Usually I’d just step aside myself and let them walk on ahead, if it bothers me.

If a stranger is stopping when you stop to do that and refusing to walk on by, then that’s weird: that’s the sort of behaviour that you need to report to the police.

I often stop and let men pass if they're walking behind me. Pretend to tie your lace, use your phone, play with your dog and let them go in front.

You might find the Hollieguard app reassuring.

Yes, this. And no need to pretend to tie your shoelace or anything, just stand aside and wait for them to pass. Some men are blithely ignorant of being perceived as a potential thread. It’s like manspreading or hogging a shared armrest — a completely failure to consider what their physical being might be doing to impact on others.

Thank you that app looks good

You don't need to engage with them, just stop and wait for them to pass. If I'm walking somewhere with a narrow path I make sure there is nobody behind me before I go up there and keep looking around so that it's unlikely someone can innocentely sneak up on me. It's better to be proactive about my own safety rather than put the onus on men to magically know what I'm thinking and feeling.

People might say "why should I have to modify my behaviour to feel safe" which is fair enough, but a man could reasonable respond to that by saying why should he have to modify his behaviour to second guess what someone else is thinking and feeling. Most men in most situations aren't actively on the lookout for a woman to attack, they're just going about their normal lives.

The thing to remember is, the men who are out to attack us are not going to care about our feelings. Saying "I'd be more comfortable if you went in front" to such a man would just embolden him.

I can't even tolerate my DP walking behind me, let alone a stranger.
I was walking my dogs through some woods recently, with wide tracks, and a man appeared as if by magic, almost on my heels, made me jump! He was so quiet, even the dogs didn't hear him.
I'm always trying to be aware of other people when I'm dog walking, one dog is prone to chasing other dogs, and the other makes a pest of himself jumping up at people, so I put them on the leads whenever I see someone.
He did apologise, and overtook, but why he was literally walking in my footsteps is beyond me.

It's tricky when you're out walking and start catching up to a lone woman.

Approaching and overtaking can be seen as threatening, especially as you are catching up. But hanging back and staying behind them is equally threatening

However, if they stop to let you past, then not going past is extremely creepy.

I don't think that's fair at all.

I wouldn't walk in the countryside anymore without my dog (he's big).

Nearly all men are self-aware enough to know that walking behind a woman can be seen as intimidating. Some however enjoy that feeling; some seem to be bloody-minded "I'm not a predator, so why are you treating me as such" (the very fact you approach this with a confrontational mindset makes you a dick); and some will give you a half smile or a hello, go past and be normal.

How many men, do we think, have any idea that women worry about this? All the time?

I took my car into the garage this morning, and walked home at around 8.45 am (so light, people around walking past, 2 schools to walk past, and near two busy roads). But I still had to cross over as there was a bloke walking behind me, very close and it just made me feel so uncomfortable.

I doubt, very much, that anything was going to happen, given the circumstances described above - but I just think it's hard-wired to be supersensitive to the situation around us.

I just stop, pretend to be looking at my phone, let them get past, and carry on. No drama, no fuss.

I’ve known men cross the road in that situation rather than risk a woman being scared. Obviously not always possible.

op is take issue with you saying it’s a „you thing“ it’s not it’s a legitimate fear. If men didn’t attack women you wouldn’t have the fear.

Unless they are being an obstruction or actually barging into people, nobody needs to consider "what their physical being might be doing to impact on others", when they go for a walk.

It's all imaginary anyway. Going in front or behind offers no protection from a real attacker, but getting paranoid every time you come across one of 50% of the population just going about their own business will impact your mental health.

Quite a few that I know are very aware. My husband who must look not dodgy was once asked by a woman to walk with her as she had a man walking behind her who she felt uncomfortable about.

it’s why I’m always curious when men want to „be“ women. What you want to have a constant low level fear that you are going to be assaulted. And I know it’s more complex than that of course.

I think some men are aware - I've had a few nen pass me, sometimes saying, "It's OK, love. I'm not following you". It's not said nastily, far from it. I think if you hear footsteps and turn to see who it is, they will also try to pass you so you're not worried.

I do when it's possible, but out walking in the countryside on paths it's not an option

There's no way of completely removing the perception of threat and discomfort/fear that women feel when out walking. All blokes can do is try to minimise it.

I think most men know to be cautious about walking too close to women after dark, but I wouldn’t expect many men to preempt that walking in a busy built up area at 8:45 in the morning could also be threatening. In the same way that when I’m out running in the park I’m not actively thinking about whether every person I come up behind might be blind or deaf or disabled or a PTSD sufferer and whether they’re feeling panicked or likely to be surprised or startled or thrown off balance by me thundering up behind them on the path like the four horsemen of the apocalypse - though it has happened.

I took my car into the garage this morning, and walked home at around 8.45 am (so light, people around walking past, 2 schools to walk past, and near two busy roads). But I still had to cross over as there was a bloke walking behind me, very close and it just made me feel so uncomfortable.

No man should have to be second guessing whether they should be walking behind a woman in broad daylight with loads of other people around. That's an entirely unreasonable expectation.

If anyone is behind me I always step over to the side and let them pass as I don't like anyone walking behind me, man or woman.

"I'm not a predator, so why are you treating me as such" - Do people actually say this to you, or is it just what you think they're thinking.

I hate this
Men exist in the world
Sometimes they will be behind you, they can't always just walk past. And if they suddenly sped up to walk past you then they'd get accused of trying to scare you by walking too close/making you think they were charging you etc.

It's not a fear all women have. It's not hard wired into us.

If anything I'd rather he was behind where I could hear him tha in front where he could duck into a doorway or something and then grab me...

but I wouldn’t expect many men to preempt that walking in a busy built up area at 8:45 in the morning could also be threatening

Indeed, @ComtesseDeSpair. But my point was that this kind of heightened perception seems to be hard-wired into us. I have never (touch wood!) been attacked by a man, day or night, yet I still have this instinct. And I think it is an instinct for women.

Of course not @saraclara

It was a point about me, not the bloke behind me.

It sounds like they're not the only one with a confrontational mindset