Aibu to want men to walk in front

[walkthiswayornot]

Hello,

So to cut a long story short, I spend lots of time walking in various rural secluded places with my dog.

I often come across other people walking obviously. Which is clearly fine.

A few times I have felt uncomfortable as a lone woman when I have had men walking behind me. I realise that's my issue and they are entitled to walk and are probably totally innocent but still my heart always skips a beat.

For example this morning very early, just as the sun came up so fairly dark, I was walking in the woods and heard a stick snap behind. Turned around and a man was walking quite close behind me. I made an awkward attempt to move aside saying something about taking a slow walk. However he waited behind so I had to carry on. Eventually I left the path. As it happens I came across two other men at different points but they were in front of me going the opposite way, which felt much safer. I'm sure all 3 men were minding their own business and just living their own lives but I can't help but feel uneasy in certain situations. I wish I was more assertive so I could ask them to please walk in front, it feels less intimidating when they are walking ahead.

Are men conscious that this is an issue? Would you as a man step aside? As a woman would you be able to ask that? Aibu to ask that once I get a back bone?

That's rather a broad brush you're painting all men with.

Maybe you mean "some men don't know" and "some men don't understand" and "some men can't understand". Most men are not stupid. Walking through life believing all men can't understand why they might make women nervous must be exhausting.

Does he blame the women for their fear or the minority of men who cause that fear? Maybe you didn't mean to sound like you're blaming the women but that's how it comes across.

I always feel like an anomaly on these threads as I spend about 5/6 hours a day alone outdoors and often come across random men - it's never occurred to me to be worried about any of them!

My sons and husband are aware and do their best to not intimidate women. However they also don't have to apologise for their existence and compromise their own safety or activities because some men are a risk. I told them this as I was concerned they were too aware and careful. If they happen to leave after you, they may be behind you. Let them overtake if you're worried. A man who doesn't just continue about their walk and waits to stay behind is more concerning though.

Or any isolated area & yes it's sad I think like that. Predators & opportunists hang out in isolated places ether to attack or steal even in 'nice' areas where a bag or phone is often worth more to them. It's better to be safe than sorry & stick to well lit areas where there are always other people around.

I take it you don't live in a village then. I'd rarely be able to leave my home if I only felt safe in well lit areas with other people around.

Are they not statistically more likely to be attacked?

I do this when walking alone, particular at night on the path through the woods. I’m not scared, but just realistic and sensible.

Simply stop to the side and let them overtake.
I don’t try and hide it, and maybe subconsciously I want them to realise what I am doing so they understand.

I think most Men are oblivious, not taking much notice of who is around them (because they can afford to be). Once pointed out, decent men understand.

For those asking about the dog. She is a soft as butter golden. She is about as scary as a soft toy and an absolutely useless guard dog

It’s more complicated than that. Women are far more likely to be the victims of violent crime, domestic abuse, stalking, harassment, and sexual assault. Men are more likely to be victims of assault by a perpetrator who isn’t known to them.

Are they not statistically more likely to be attacked?

Maybe, statistically, there's less awareness of dangers/different risk assessment in men especially young men which is part of the reason for that.

He did apologise, and overtook, but why he was literally walking in my footsteps is beyond me.

This has happened to me often enough that I now firmly believe they do it on purpose.

They can't be that socially clueless that they think it's normal to walk closely behind a line woman in woods / other isolated places.

And you can bet they don't do it to men!

This happened to me. I am 5.10 and was wearing jeans and sneakers and walk fast, ended up behind a young woman in an underpass, could see she was trying to see "out of the corner of her eye" who was behind her. I realised she was afraid and coughed, she then did look back with an absolute look of total relief. If I realised from her body language, any guy would too.

Years ago some friends and I commented about having our house key between our clenched fist, ready to slash some guys face who was walking behind us if he tried anything, late in the dark. One of the males there was very surprised. So we just said, ask your mother, your sisters, your daughter, they won´t be surprised.

How do you expect people to always go past you? should every man who see a woman ahead and sprint to pass her by, which could be alarming also.

The impact, though, is ultimately that a young man with recent experience of himself or a friend being a victim of a random mugging or phone snatching - incredibly common in cities at the moment - is understandably going to be far more preoccupied with, and have more at the forefront of his mind, his own safety and belongings than the feelings of the random woman a hundred metres in front of him of him, and is probably going to be less responsive to preempting her feelings in terms of e.g. crossing over onto the other, shadowy, side of the street. Police advice to avoid muggings and phone snatching is, unfortunately, sometimes at direct odds with how many women would prefer men to behave when walking in the streets, which is another tricky layer.

A couple of times I've turned into my road, long fence, not well lit and suddenly been aware, of a shadow of, or a man behind and it makes me uneasy if it's dark. I slow down and let them go ahead . The other day it was a neighbour who I know. I think he could probably have recognised me from behind, (easier than I could recognise him from a shadow!) If he'd said hi, it would have been a lot less unnerving!

The other day I collected teen DS from an activity. I parked in a carpark which has a hedge along 2 sides. I parked in the middle of the carpark, next to another car, under a light. DS couldn't understand why I didn't park by the hedge where there were loads more spaces. DH was surprised too, and hadn't thought why I might park where I did!

I really don't worry- and have got to the age of 70 without encountering the problems so many women have. I live in a village and have always walked my dogs in the fields and woods - it never occurs to me to be afraid of the men I encounter.

Lots of men are aware not to walk behind women, but it sounds like the place you walk makes it hard for this to happen?

Even as a woman I wouldn't walk closely behind anyone in a rural area, especially when we're bundled up in coats, hats, it's hard to tell men from women in low light.

Judging by the men who walk or run up really close behind me before swerving only at the last second to pass me on my (dark at this time of year) walk through the park home, making me jump out of my skin sometimes, I’d say not many.

I jumped out of my skin when walking my dog in the dark. A man came round a sharp corner toward me. I hadn't expected anyone to be there, and l jumped and made a noise. He laughed at me! I think this demonstrates the different ways women and men move around the world.

As a teenager I had a male friend that told me he always crossed the road if he saw a lone woman ahead which really struck me as kind.

Maybe something to suggest to your sons if you have one? It’s a small thing but it does make a difference.

Christ, are you really saying a man out for a walk is the same as manspreading?

If you're that scared of men I don't know how you function in the world 🙄

Men are afraid that women will think badly of them.

Women are afraid that men will kill them.

For what it's worth, amidst all the man-hating stereotyping that will no doubt arise on this thread, my DF is afraid to walk near women due to his own fear of being accused or thought of being intimidating.

It’s about bloody time that men thought about other people around them! And it’s about bloody time they realised that every single one of them has a role to play in keeping women safe and feeling safe. I’m sorry but I can only muster the tiniest of violins for that “fear”.

The idea that a man walking in front is any less of a threat than a man walking behind is completely irrational.

How do you think ambushes operate? The attacker walks ahead, he lies in wait and then he pounces. There’s that man up north that was just convicted for dozens of sexual assaults- he would hide in an underpass along a foot path then jump out, tackle and sexually assault young women and school girls as they went by.

I understand you feel fear and want to feel safe- but demanding men to walk ahead of you when it objectively doesn’t make you any safer, is as good as making the hand signal to ward off the evil eye or tossing a handful of salt over your shoulder.

Too by making an issue of it to their face as some have naively suggested might piss them off enough to think about attacking you or maybe doing a jump scare to teach you a lesson for implying they were stalking you.