Aibu to want men to walk in front

[walkthiswayornot]

Hello,

So to cut a long story short, I spend lots of time walking in various rural secluded places with my dog.

I often come across other people walking obviously. Which is clearly fine.

A few times I have felt uncomfortable as a lone woman when I have had men walking behind me. I realise that's my issue and they are entitled to walk and are probably totally innocent but still my heart always skips a beat.

For example this morning very early, just as the sun came up so fairly dark, I was walking in the woods and heard a stick snap behind. Turned around and a man was walking quite close behind me. I made an awkward attempt to move aside saying something about taking a slow walk. However he waited behind so I had to carry on. Eventually I left the path. As it happens I came across two other men at different points but they were in front of me going the opposite way, which felt much safer. I'm sure all 3 men were minding their own business and just living their own lives but I can't help but feel uneasy in certain situations. I wish I was more assertive so I could ask them to please walk in front, it feels less intimidating when they are walking ahead.

Are men conscious that this is an issue? Would you as a man step aside? As a woman would you be able to ask that? Aibu to ask that once I get a back bone?

Well, that was my point. Women are very aware of being bodies in space shared by other people, whether that’s sharing an armrest or a lane at the swimming pool, being told to smile by a stranger on the street, or potentially being subject to an attack. Men generally don’t have to have anywhere near that kind of awareness.

I think (shockingly) that many men have no idea how scary it is for women when they do that. They should know by now, but I continue to meet men who are just clueless about womens experiences of the world.

Actually I have been followed by two men in late in the evening who took great amusement in repeatedly crossing the road to stay behind me, and kept talking in really loud voices about "she thinks we're up to something"

I have had men pass me saying "I'm not up to anything, love" or similar in quite a pointed fashion

I did have a man say "I'm not comfortable with you following me either" I had to point out I wasn't going to be following him, I was just going about my business

Over the course of 30 odd years walking by myself yes I have come across these men

I genuinely don't worry about these things at all. I don't know if this is a good or bad thing?

Not wishing to derail, but can you take some comfort/reassurance from the fact you have your dog with you?

Any man with an ounce of decency or respect would recognise this situation. If I’m walking in the dark and I’m behind a woman or a man I will, if I can, cross over to the other side or overtake them quickly giving a wide berth. There can be nothing worse than having to worry about who’s behind you. I’m 6ft + and sturdy so I don’t worry but others seeing my shadow might. It’s all about thinking about others - it’s not hard.

I'm aware of this. I'm a woman but a big stompy one and so I avoid walking behind other women - or say something if I want to pass so they can tell by my voice.

I've discussed with my brother and my DP, and male friends, before. They're all aware that their presence might make a lone woman feel uneasy in certain locations, but aren't always sure of the right thing to do in that situation. For instance, my brother says that while sometimes it's really easy just to pass by naturally, sometimes it can mean speeding up in quite an obvious way as he walks behind her in order to overtake, and how is the woman then going to know that he's speeding up to pass her, rather than to get close enough to her to grab her?

If someone is in front of you, you can see them: see what they are up to, how they are carrying themselves. If they are behind you can't. Of course it is normal for a woman to prefer a male stranger to be ahead of her not behind her in a dark or isolated place. It's easier to assess and react to danger if you can spot it.

I was walking in a wooded area I visited regularly when a man coming towards me stopped me and asked me if I realised there was another man following me. I was not even sure if I should be suspicious of the man who was alerting me to the one supposedly following me (who i did catch a glimpse of behind me).

It was very disorientating and I don't know what the answer is. I never went back after that and it was a beautiful quiet spot that I loved.

DH says he crosses over, so he can overtake on the other side. Or says something like: Excuse me! Don't mean to startle you. I'm in a hurry - just going to overtake, if that's okay.'

A couple of times I have had men say in a friendly voice - 'just crossing over the road as I don't want to scare you by walking behind you' or similar. It always makes me feel reassured when they do.

Years ago, I was walking back to my flat at around 2-3am after getting off a night bus when I lived in London. There was a young man walking behind me, quite close, nobody else about.

I crossed the road and carried on walking. He shouted out 'Oh for fuck's sake, what do you think I'm going to do?' I said 'I just need to be on this side of the road' and he said 'Who'd want to rape you anyway?'

I hadn't actually been worried about rape in the first place; I'd been thinking more of mugging. But there you go.

Please don't tarnish what I've posted by suggesting I, or others, are man-hating. That's offensive.

I don't hate men. I just fear what they could be/do. There's a massive difference.

I have a male friend who says out loud "hi, I'm behind you, I'm just going to speed up a bit and pass you so you can see me".

Then he does exactly that, without stopping and turning/expecting a "thank you".

It's a lovely way of not expecting the woman to come up with the solution or pretend to tie shoelaces and it is showing his awareness that as a man he could be seen as a threat. He does a lot of hiking and walking and has been thanked many times by women who say it has made them feel tlreally relieved and safe.

I was once out on a deserted heathland with young DC and stopped by a woman who looked alarmed, and said 'There's a very weird-looking man back there who is hanging around and keeps staring at you and your children. I've been keeping an eye on him for you but I really thought you should know.'

The weird man was DH who had stopped to look at a rare bird and was trying to catch our attention so we would come back and see it, without shouting to disturb the bird!

That's fine if you're walking on a road. Doesn't work if you're walking along a narrow footpath or by a canal or something where there is nowhere to cross over to.

I don't blame you for not liking that. I always stand to the side with my back to a wall or whatever is there, and watch them walk by.

What type of dog do you have? I have a German Shepherd and she hates anyone behind us too, so that helps to make sure they go past.

With my older son the conversation did indeed focus on him being in a city and him being in the situation, with my younger son it's more about how he should behave when he's in the situation. He's not roaming around at night.

I do this as a runner and fast walker when I'm approaching anyone from behind.
It's about not making anyone jump, especially if they have a dog. It's just polite.

I think this is unfair, seems pretty reasonable that it might not occur to an innocent, law abiding man that walking behind someone could cause distress. In particular, it is unreasonable to expect them to somehow take evasive action to avoid ever being behind someone. What would like look like exactly? I’m thinking the OP might be a rather slow walker if this is a regular problem for her.

I’m a very fast walker and usually end up being the one behind other people. There’s always an awkward few minutes as I approach them and wonder how to navigate it on a narrow path. Obviously the bloke in the OP should have just passed the OP when she suggested it, however it sounds like the OP was not clear about what she wanted. Perhaps the guy though he was being polite by letting the OP go first or something.

I imagine if the OP had stepped well to the side, said please go on I’m taking it slow today, and then simply waited until he passed her, it would have been fine. Just be decisive.

I always stop and pretend I need to sort something out until they’ve walked passed me

There is no way I'd be walking alone in woods at anytime of day or night regardless of having a dog with me or not.

That’s fine when there is the space to move into or roads to cross, but it doesn’t really work on the kind of narrow woodland paths that I’m imagining the OP is on. If there isn’t enough room for two people to pass comfortably, I think the onus is on the person in front to move aside when there’s an opportunity, otherwise I think a move like the one you describe could come across as rather aggressive.

I wasn't suggesting your were, but I was predicting suggesting that others would be.

The issue is that men don't know how intimidating they can be - even when they're not doing anything. I think the majority of men would do what they could to put us at ease if they understood, but they don't, and can't.