Aibu to want men to walk in front

[walkthiswayornot]

Hello,

So to cut a long story short, I spend lots of time walking in various rural secluded places with my dog.

I often come across other people walking obviously. Which is clearly fine.

A few times I have felt uncomfortable as a lone woman when I have had men walking behind me. I realise that's my issue and they are entitled to walk and are probably totally innocent but still my heart always skips a beat.

For example this morning very early, just as the sun came up so fairly dark, I was walking in the woods and heard a stick snap behind. Turned around and a man was walking quite close behind me. I made an awkward attempt to move aside saying something about taking a slow walk. However he waited behind so I had to carry on. Eventually I left the path. As it happens I came across two other men at different points but they were in front of me going the opposite way, which felt much safer. I'm sure all 3 men were minding their own business and just living their own lives but I can't help but feel uneasy in certain situations. I wish I was more assertive so I could ask them to please walk in front, it feels less intimidating when they are walking ahead.

Are men conscious that this is an issue? Would you as a man step aside? As a woman would you be able to ask that? Aibu to ask that once I get a back bone?

There's a lot of 'not my Nigel' on this thread

Isn't there just? We know NAMALT. But enough of them are to make us nervous on certain scenarios.

Yes men are far more likely to be attacked outside the home than women. Men who are not predators are all keeping tabs on the threat to them- other men such that they don’t really pay attention to women around them.

I prefer isolated, dark spots with no people in them. It’s people who are the danger and they tend to be in cities and well lighted, popular areas.

That sounds really odd.
You're saying a man will walk or run behind you until they are so close they have to swerve to get past you, rather than see someone ahead and gradually move to the side to pass? Is the path really narrow? Is the park really dark?

I have given a "not my Nigel" response in response to those saying "men don't understand".

NAMALT works both ways.

I also hate hearing footsteps behind me, even in town in broad daylight, but I've got good reason to feel like that (I'll spare you the details). Interesting that so many women who have never been attacked feel the same. What a sad world we live in.

I am yes. That’s what I’m saying. I can feel the breeze of them running by as I plod along. No the path isn’t narrow. Yes the park is dark but not so dark they can’t see me.

He doesn't need to fear being attacked by a woman though, does he? It's not man-hating to be cognisant and aware of the increased risks that women face.

I have occassionally made people (usually women) jump if I go round a corner quickly when I'm running. If it's dark I normally try to allow space if I'm passing someone, I might even say, I'm just passing on your left etc, if it's a lone woman.

However once running along a main ish (lit) road that I rarely meet anyone along. I saw a man ahead and I was getting closer but feeling a bit nervous about passing them (the path is narrow with a farm on one side and no pavement on opposite side of the road)
Once I was close I saw it was a tween/teen boy - similar age to my own DS at the time, and felt a lot less uneasy, I think I probably scared him more.

Walk faster on the other side of the path making it clear that you are moving around and onwards.
I've noticed a few men in my town actually crossing the road if they end up behind me. We both still end up in Asda, but it's just an extremely thoughtful thing to do, I find.

I guess it depends how wide the woodland pathways are. It should be up to him though to gather speed, or even say excuse me, just passing.
I agree, any man that slows behind to the same speed will appear creepy!

To answer your original post OP, yes we're aware of the issue, or at least most of us are I think.

Part of my walk home from work involves walking down a dark path. I've mentioned on other threads before about steps I'll try and take to indicate I'm not a threat. I'll take a different route if I can to avoid following, or cross the road before passing. I make sure I smile and say Hello to women coming the other way. If none of the above is an option and I'm still a distance from them then I'll sometimes wait and bugger about on my phone for 5 minutes so that they can get some distance. I've even "phoned my DP" to let her know I'll be there in 5 minutes, because hopefully that gives an indication that I'm not just following you.

The situation you've described is quite an awkward one OP. Generally my inclination would be to hang back, but I'm quite a fast walker so would likely end up catching up anyway. So I'd probably end up getting fairly close and asking if I could pass you. That's made people jump though in the past. The fact that the guy you mentioned didn't take the opportunity to pass you when you stopped does seem odd though..

I've always found it annoying when people do that. I kind of assumed they thought you were listening to their conversations or thought you wanted to overtake.

When people step aside expecting you to walk ahead of them it looks like they think you are being impolite and if I ever thought they didn't think that I've thought they were being impolite.

Just walk people

If I'm walking slowly I don't expect people behind to match my speed. I don't hog the pathway, they can then overtake without nipping my heels.

This is a really good point. I am uncomfortable with men walking behind me (especially when I want to zone out or listen to music on a walk) and always let them pass.

However, I’m quite tall myself so I would avoid walking close behind another woman too as it’s not always easy to see who people are when bundled up on dark winter days.

Maybe men just don’t realise - but I think most women instinctively feel uneasy

No wonder you feel spooked. I have only ever had such a thing when they haven't seen me. I have also never done that as a fast walker and a runner. It would slow my pace for starters.

Some of the defensive responses on this thread really are sad. Of course it's not ALL men, but it's almost alWAYS men. Statistically women just do not commit violent crime at the same rate or pose the same threat as men do. Of course it isn't all men, but how are women supposed to know whether a man approaching from behind is one of the safe men or one of the predatory ones? It is basic common sense to be wary, and common sense to want to keep a potential threat in front of you where you can see it.

Yes men are at greater risk of violence than women. From whom though? That's right, other men. Aggressive predatory men are a threat to both men and women. Decent men, rather than feeling resentment towards women for being wary of them, should perhaps direct their ire towards other men. More men calling out thwir peers for misogynistic attitudes towards women is something that would have a huge impact.

It is interesting that several comments on this thread have been from men saying they completely understand why women might feel unsafe at night and that they always try to be considerate and put women at ease. A lot of the 'you're all unreasonable man haters' comments have been from women.

I often wonder if some women's insistence that men are not a danger and that we are all paranoid is a form of denial; it is scary to admit that it's something that can happen to any woman, that there is very little any woman can do to control or prevent it, so easier to convince themselves we're all just paranoid. No-one is suggesting you live your life terrified and never leaving your house, but the fact is women are at risk from men and that an awareness of your surroundings and potential dangers could end up saving your life. If you are lucky enough to never have had an unpleasant encounter with a man you are the exception not the rule.

When people step aside expecting you to walk ahead of them it looks like they think you are being impolite and if I ever thought they didn't think that I've thought they were being impolite.

Eh? The second 1/2 of this sentence doesn't make sense to me.
I wouldn't regard someone stepping aside as impolite. Rather it's the courteous thing to let faster people past. Of course if they huff and puff and pin themselves to the wall or something then that's different.

I often wonder if some women's insistence that men are not a danger and that we are all paranoid is a form of denial

I don't think anyone has insisted that no men are a danger, but that they have weighed up the risk and made an informed decision on how they are going to go about their lives.

I often wonder if some women's insistence that men are not a danger and that we are all paranoid is a form of denial

Except nobody has said "men are not a danger".

What people are saying is that they don't generally feel worried or concerned when they meet a man out and about.

I run a lot in the woods and would say that if someone didn’t pass you when you stopped then you are right to be concerned . I would personally vary my routine for a while .

Slightly beside the point, but I had a dodgy encounter with a guy who walked past me and then slowed down so I ended up having to interact with him. You can't win.

Oh, won't someone think of the menzzz!!!

Why can't we have a discussion about how certain issues impact men?

Is it really wrong to discuss the issue from a man's point of view and to discuss what decent (ie most) men should do in situations where women feel vulnerable?

Imagine discussing this issue in a group of people (men and women).
Your "won't someone think of the menzzz" is akin to a man saying "yes, I'm aware that me just walking down the road minding my own business can make some women nervous" and you yelling Shut Up at him as if he has no right to say anything or even an opinion because he can't possibly understand.

My DF is 85, has cancer, walks with a stick, weighs about 8 stone, and is from an era when men could and would step in to defend women without fear or censure from women themselves. Men like him are now made to feel not only useless, but part of the problem. He's a vulnerable old man, and I think you'd feel just as vulnerable walking alone if you were him.

Many years ago, ,I worked in a now defunct prison for unaccompanied male asylum seekers. There was a slightly intimidating feel about the place as a lot of the male prison workers were as verbally and occasionally as violent in their behaviour as the prison inmates. Outside of work, I joined a mixed martial arts club. I learnt a useful range of things to do if I felt intimidated (or was actually attacked) whilst at work. I never needed to use this knowledge, but it gave me the confidence to feel able to work there.